CHRISTOPHER CROSS SUCKS!
The 7 Most Unforgivable Grammy Award Snubs of All Time
You know, based on a look at some of the winners in this article, we at Cracked actually stand a fairly good chance of winning a Grammy this year. Our latest album, (Lex Friedman Reads Dick Jokes for 12 Tracks), though critically despised and commercially unsuccessful, has got to be at least as good as whatever the hell A Taste of Honey recorded.
Notable Comment: Kingmonkey says "If there were an award for best mullets, then maybe Metallica would've won a Granny." That was either a typo or some kind of joke, but we'd still like to play dumb and pretend there's actually some kind of Granny Awards where winners receive stolen grandmas. Probably won't last as long as a little statue, but think of all the hard candy you could snack on.
EVERYTHING YOU LOVE CAN KILL YOU!
The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You
You should probably just go ahead and murder anything cute, just to be on the safe side.
Hernandez says "This article was good, but it has left me with an unhealthy craving to witness a fight between Steven Seagal and a pack of chimps." OK, who leaked our screenplay, (Under Siege 3: Chimp Territory)? Seriously, that's not cool.
SHAKESPEARE INVENTED THE WORLD!
10 Words and Phrases You Won't Believe Shakespeare Invented
Honestly, what the hell would we be doing if Shakespeare didn't invent the whole friggin' language?
Notable Comment: All we actually learned from the comments section is that the Cracked readers love the word "Chompapottamus" and the Snorg T-shirt models. Can we get a shirt that reads "Chompapottamus," or what, Snorg? Let's scratch each other's backs, here.
YOU YOU YOU!
If Banner Ads Were Forced to be Truthful ...
Somebody Photoshopped a bunch of pictures about fat people, herpes and problem childhoods, and we gave them a bunch of money. Would you like to be that guy? Check out this week's photoshop contest about inappropriate children's book and you just might be.
the Patriots' pathetic and embarrassing loss. Also, look, it's Kirk Filch and he's in a giant ant hill for no reason. Finally, we've got the week in douchebaggery. It's the news, idiot.
Exactly one minute after the discovery of Blowjob Island.
"Guys... listen up - we've discovered more ocean."
"Dude, this catnip is amazing. I can totally see this little tiny knight riding a flaming horse! Where'd you get this stuff?"
Which is worse: Appearing to be sucking off a giant rat, or knowing that the rat's thinking of someone else while you're doing it?
"No man, I swear, I've got him. Just put your ear to his chest and you can hear his heartbeat. It's amazing! No, you got to get right in there. Closer... Closer... Now boy! Kill! KILL!!!"
Like most of the universe, Yoda had bet heavily on the Patriots..."
"Long time love you I will."
Winter had come and the football fans had failed to find shelter. Most likely they will die out in about a week. It seems cruel, but such is nature's way.
Just some Patriots fans showing off their breast implants.
"Up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A.
HOLY SHIT IT WORKED!!"
"110%? No, I've never really had to give 110%."
A poor performance review often resulted in getting stuck with protecting the Emperor's nephew, Todd.
Capt. Moustache knew his tiny toilet bowl would protect him from all this foolishness.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
- By Mark Hill
- March 15, 2019
All commercials are a least a little weird.
- By Mark Hill
- March 14, 2019
Here are some recent
- By Eamon Lahiri
- March 20, 2019
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.