Boy, this week flew by. It seems like only a few days ago that the Patriots suffered a devastatingly embarrassing loss to the Giants. What? It was just a few days ago? Wow. Well if you're looking for something to laugh at besides the Patriots' severely bruised egos and general incompetence, check out the best Cracked has to offer this week.
"Week," you know, that sounds like "weak." "Weak" like the Patriots offense last week. Sorry, we shouldn't just sit here and trash the Patriots (who lost). They had a terrific season and they won a bunch of games. Not the Super Bowl, but still a bunch of games, and that's very impressive in a Not-as-Impressive-as-Winning-the-Super-Bowl sort of way. Anyway, let's move on to some of the articles.
Tom Brady sucks.
You know how you're always hearing people talk about a "blog?" Maybe it's around your water cooler, or maybe your favorite local bar but, whatever the place, the "Cracked Blog" is just the talk of the town. Are you tired of feeling out of the loop when people share their blog-related inspirational stories? Well, cowboy, we have the answer: This is the blog everyone's been talking about. Reference some of the gold that pours out of this club and then just watch your popularity rise. Don't thank us, just read the blog. And send us money. And thank us.
Anyway, this week in blogging: Ross uncovers the worst YouTube video of all time, Gladstone posts about the god damned Spice Girls again, and Mike Swaim certainly does not have any pictures of Maggie Gyllenhaal in a lesbian orgy.
The 10 Lamest Super Bowl XLII Ads
Sure, there's about 400,000 websites who published rundowns of the Super Bowl commercials, but did any of those other websites feature not one, but two professional Cracked bloggers? We're guessing they probably didn't.
Notable Comment: Hailslaanesh says "Ross, Michael, those were some seriously shitty ads. But I laughed my arse off at you double blogging. I know you guys are used to going at it solo but after reading this article I highly recommend you have twosomes more often. Having a partner rocks and you will create many memorable moments together." Twosomes? Partners? Going at it? Balls? We smell another set of terrible fan fiction brewing...
LIES, LIES, LIES!
7 Viral Videos You Didn't Know Were Staged, (and How They Did It)
Turns out, Pauly Shore didn't get punched in his stupid face. We apologize for killing your dreams, Everyone on the Planet.
Notable Comment: Fortey says: "The worst kind of stools are those ones that feel like plate glass windows. Once your ass starts bleeding, the rest of the day is shot. You can't sit there at dinner and fully concentrate on conversations with loved ones when you feel that small pond of shit-speckled ass blood pooling at the bottom of your pants, and every time you shift it smears itself about like the most nefarious finger painting of all time, creating an ominous ass Rorschach." No, that doesn't technically have anything to do with the article at hand. Don't judge. Do you know frigging difficult it is to fit "ass Rorschach" into an article? You probably don't, but we'll tell you: Very. It's very difficult to fit "ass Rorschach" into an article, and when an opportunity presents itself, we just can't pass it up.
CHRISTOPHER CROSS SUCKS!
The 7 Most Unforgivable Grammy Award Snubs of All Time
You know, based on a look at some of the winners in this article, we at Cracked actually stand a fairly good chance of winning a Grammy this year. Our latest album, (Lex Friedman Reads Dick Jokes for 12 Tracks), though critically despised and commercially unsuccessful, has got to be at least as good as whatever the hell A Taste of Honey recorded.
Notable Comment: Kingmonkey says "If there were an award for best mullets, then maybe Metallica would've won a Granny." That was either a typo or some kind of joke, but we'd still like to play dumb and pretend there's actually some kind of Granny Awards where winners receive stolen grandmas. Probably won't last as long as a little statue, but think of all the hard candy you could snack on.
EVERYTHING YOU LOVE CAN KILL YOU!
The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You
You should probably just go ahead and murder anything cute, just to be on the safe side.
Hernandez says "This article was good, but it has left me with an unhealthy craving to witness a fight between Steven Seagal and a pack of chimps." OK, who leaked our screenplay, (Under Siege 3: Chimp Territory)? Seriously, that's not cool.
SHAKESPEARE INVENTED THE WORLD!
10 Words and Phrases You Won't Believe Shakespeare Invented
Honestly, what the hell would we be doing if Shakespeare didn't invent the whole friggin' language?
Notable Comment: All we actually learned from the comments section is that the Cracked readers love the word "Chompapottamus" and the Snorg T-shirt models. Can we get a shirt that reads "Chompapottamus," or what, Snorg? Let's scratch each other's backs, here.
YOU YOU YOU!
If Banner Ads Were Forced to be Truthful ...
Somebody Photoshopped a bunch of pictures about fat people, herpes and problem childhoods, and we gave them a bunch of money. Would you like to be that guy? Check out this week's photoshop contest about inappropriate children's book and you just might be.
Exactly one minute after the discovery of Blowjob Island.
"Guys... listen up - we've discovered more ocean."
"Dude, this catnip is amazing. I can totally see this little tiny knight riding a flaming horse! Where'd you get this stuff?"
Which is worse: Appearing to be sucking off a giant rat, or knowing that the rat's thinking of someone else while you're doing it?
"No man, I swear, I've got him. Just put your ear to his chest and you can hear his heartbeat. It's amazing! No, you got to get right in there. Closer... Closer... Now boy! Kill! KILL!!!"
Like most of the universe, Yoda had bet heavily on the Patriots..."
"Long time love you I will."
Winter had come and the football fans had failed to find shelter. Most likely they will die out in about a week. It seems cruel, but such is nature's way.
Just some Patriots fans showing off their breast implants.
"Up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A.
HOLY SHIT IT WORKED!!"
"110%? No, I've never really had to give 110%."
A poor performance review often resulted in getting stuck with protecting the Emperor's nephew, Todd.
Capt. Moustache knew his tiny toilet bowl would protect him from all this foolishness.