This week, a general theme of insanity emerged whether we wanted it to or not. It seemed like every time we turned around, one of our dedicated, on-the-scene journalists was reporting on some eBay seller asking for obscene amounts of money for some piece of crap, or some rich person paying obscene amounts of money to drink something that used to be a piece of crap.
Here at Cracked, it is our job to point out just who is acting like a lunatic so that you, the reader, can join us in laughing at their questionable antics. Enjoy!
EBAY IS CRAZY!
The 12 Most Awesomely Ridiculous eBay Auctions
You can go ahead and think these items are pointless all you want, but we're gonna be laughing all the way to the bank. The Invisible Bank, that is, because we'll be invisible as soon as our invisibility manual is digitally sent to us.
Also, we have a giant Sea Nut now.
Notable Comment: Glise says "I'm the one that bought those particular Playboys, as collector items. I couldn't believe when I read that, what a coincidence. I also collect old books and autographed books." We feel you, buddy. We've been "collecting" Playboys for years now. Fight the good fight, brother!
TORI AMOS IS CRAZY!
Six Musicians With Pasts They Hope Youâ€™ll Forget
It's amazing how Alanis went from being a 16-year-old pseudo-rapper to a full-grown angry-bitch-rocker, but never once decided to not sound like a shrieking bat when she opens her mouth.
Notable Comment: Rocky says "What about Michael Bolton? Did a few 80's metal albums before going soft-pop." See, you're missing the point: Bolton should be getting the public to forget about his current career and focus on his material that doesn't immediately highlight what a total wuss he is.
DIRT MCGIRT IS CRAZY!
Hulk Hogan Pasta to Shaq Fu: The 11 Most Pointless Celebrity Products
On the plus side, this article will direct your attention to the greatest video game starring a former US President's cat that you're likely to find this week.
Notable Comment: Mrgator189 says "What about the Larry Holmes Grillmaster Xl?
What? We love shameless self-promotion. If you don't like it, go check out some other site.
LOST IS CRAZY!
5 Lost Questions the Writers Probably Won't Answer
Prepare to be disappointed by one of the few shows left that still has new episodes.
Notable Comment: DrFreakazoid has his own theory regarding the mysterious four-toed statue and, unfortunately, we guarantee it makes more sense than whatever the writers come up with will: "The producers said to a set designer 'Here's some money. Create the foot of a huge ancient sculpture.' Then when it was done, 'Kee-rist! It's only got four toes! You idiot! You spent all our money on this retarded piece of crap! Sigh. Oh well. Maybe we can work it in as another mystery. The viewers won't know the difference.'"
1950'S ADVERTISERS ARE CRAZY!
5 Retro Commercials Companies Would Prefer to Forget
Looking for reasons to be offended AND smoke Winston's smooth cigarettes? Look no further!
Notable Comment: PhoenixUltra puts a whole lot of cultural historians out of work by summing up the '60s more succinctly than anyone else ever will: "Man, being a kid in the '60s must have ruled. Kill people with a motherfucking tommy gun, then go home and smoke a cool, refreshing Winston with the Flintstones and make fun of the Chinese after telling your mom to "get back in the kitchen and make me a half-decent cup of coffee this time." Too bad about the asbestos-induced mesothelioma, though - but then, you probably wouldn't care given the lung cancer." And there it was. An entire decade in one, poignant paragraph.
RICH PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!
Pimp My Plate - The Most (Retardedly) Expensive 5 Course Meal
Want to know what rich people are wasting their money on? The answer may disgust you.
Notable Comment: PBalla says "Damn, why does this website attract so many know-it-alls?"
...Really? You've...Have you seen the Anchorman guys? Or all those people that post "first?"
Next Year's Oscar Nominees (If the Strike Doesn't End)
Come check out the results of our first ever Photoshop Contest or, put your own retarded Photoshop skills to the test in this week's contest.
|The News on Cracked|
"Hang on Bruce, and let me let me fix your pants we don't want you looking stupid up
Anti-fur protesters about to throw red paint slowly lowered their buckets. Somehow this
Obama tried to court the youth vote, while Clinton appealed to mostly old chicks.
"Hurry up! We only have about 10 more minutes for our break before we have to get back
to Andy Dick's hallucination."
"I can't believe you guys forgot your gloves. NEWS FLASH! STORM TROOPERS WEAR GLOVES!
God dammit. Now we look ridiculous."
The Boxer Rebellion
Probably the LAST thing Ted wanted to hear at this point: "That's not mud."
San Fransisco legalizes cock fighting.
How the hell did Cracked get into my hard drive?
"I would like to move my house to the top of a mountain."
"We can't do that, sir."
"Well what CAN you do?"
Dung Beetles have evolved a little bit too much.
It was illegal, it was widely regarded as abominable, and it would earn them both a
lifetime of hardship, but dammit, it was love.
"This puppet smells strangely...like...chlora...chlor...a ..."