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Vice President Cheney,
This is your final warning: any more use of the United States Military for personal reasons and you will be impeached. The following are only a few of the many examples of your abuse of power in the last four months.
On Halloween night, you had the Secret Service guard your home from vandals. Your "shoot to kill" instruction resulted in the deaths of six teenage boys "armed" with toilet paper and eggs. Additionally, you captured a mailbox smasher and tortured him until he "surrendered the names of his co-conspirators and their future targets."
When you were not invited to a neighborhood Labor Day barbeque, you called in the 181st Airborne Division to airlift two hamburgers and a hotdog. Thinking the paratroopers were part of their game, a group of children began shooting the soldiers with water guns. The Mission Report states that the paratroopers returned fire with over 4,000 rounds of armor piercing bullets, killing all 14 children. Collateral damage included 90% of Mrs. Brown's famous potato salad and 100% of a golden retriever.
Finally, the CIA has admitted to rigging school board elections in your district. Apparently, they've installed a friendly regime that will fire the high school principal who suspended your grandson for throwing water balloons at black students.