Taxidermy has been around in some form or another since mankind's hunter-gatherer days. From the mangy dioramas at the natural history museum to the unfortunate duck on your uncle's wall, the craft is practiced by both the fishhook-in-the-baseball-cap segment of society and highfalutin purveyors of high fashion. It requires expertise in a variety of areas to get it right. A working knowledge of sculpture and painting, as well as tanning and anatomy, are a must. Otherwise, this happens:
It's pretty clear that something went horribly awry along the road that led to you looking at the above photo right now. Be it a flaw in the taxidermy process or a flaw in the DNA process, there was a glitch in the system somewhere, and the unfortunate result is a couple of stuffed animals that look like they should be the animal sidekicks in a reboot of the Toxic Avenger franchise.
But hey, those are probably just the result of an accident. Sometimes, people embark upon a new taxidermy project with the ridiculous-looking result in mind the entire time.
Here are five things you won't believe they're doing with taxidermy these days ...
#5. The "Doe Bell"
Do you long to make all of your friends hate you but don't care to bother with all of that face to face interaction? Make your ill will meet them at the door with the Doe Bell. Half deer, half doorbell, all awful. If you happen to have $295.99 lying around (which is the "sale" price), there are people who will actually sell you one of these. It's a working doorbell, and it's "available with male or female orifices" for the discerning collector who prefers to have a complete set of crazy.
#4. Horse Shoes
No, silly, not "horseshoes" as in "those U-shaped pieces of metal that protect the horse's hooves from wear and tear." Those would be ludicrously difficult to stuff. They're solid metal, weirdo!
No, we're talking about the kind where you amputate the horse's lower legs and wear them as boots!
A German designer named Iris Shieferstein is responsible for these, but it's not just animal limb shoes that she's peddling. If you're looking, she's also got a little bit of inspiration to sell you in the form of this quote from her website ...
"The earlier you die, the longer you are dead."
Also ... the earlier the time on the clock, the earlier the time of day.
Think about it, bro.
#3. Loved to Death
Loved to Death is a business that specializes in jewelry crafted from the finest of dismembered wildlife carcasses. The guillotined parakeet necklace here is pretty crass, but in terms of sheer wearability, we'd give it solid marks. Don't buy it for the functionality, though. Buy it because nothing says "Of course I didn't decapitate my bird and make a trophy out of its head!" quite like decapitating your bird and making a trophy out of its head.
#2. Coyote Hitchhiker
Southern taxidermist Kyle Guillotte made this to, we're not sure, create traffic accidents? It's not a stuffed dog, like one might immediately think, but a less-than-wily coyote.
At the very least, isn't this going to attract actual coyotes who might think their compadre has located some delicious treats in the back of your truck? What are they going to do when they find out that there are no treats at all, unless they count their dead friend strapped to the back of your truck like some kind of Yosemite Sam mudflap for serial killers?
#1. Goat Bagpipes
Out of context, this image is completely baffling. Is that man just being overly affectionate to his pet goat? Is he inflating it? Out of all the scenarios that immediately come to mind, the reality is much worse. As if funerals weren't already uncomfortable enough, Risto Todoroski from Sydney, Australia, turns goats into these droning instruments of the Scots.
And now, you get to watch a video of a man "playing" a goat ...
It's really hard not to love the Internet at moments like these.