When mankind mastered 3D printing technology, it was a definitive sign that the Future had arrived. Finally, we could realize our dreams. We could make anything, in any shape, at the merest press of a button. We could almost ... be gods.
Well, that was the idea, anyway. Instead, we're using the hottest thing technology has to offer on stupid crap like ...
Give a man an apple and he'll carve a bong out of it. But give a man a brand new, potentially world-changing technology and he'll use it to create all the goddamn bongs.
Really, it says a lot about human nature that our first instinct at the dawn of groundbreaking sci-fi gadgetry is How can this help me to get high?
"Follow-up question: When will I be able to print drugs with it?"
#3. Fetus Paperweights
All parents think their baby is the cutest thing in the world. Still, there are times during a child's development that are best left to imagination and blurry ultrasound images. We're talking about fetus time here -- ain't no one wants to see that shit in detail.
Or so you'd think! Japan has taken the 3D printer and created a booming business from scanning your unborn child and printing a copy of it inside a transparent plastic cube. You can use your freshly acquired ghoulish fetal apparition as a bookend, paperweight, or (most likely) the reason your children will stop talking to you by the time they're 10.
#2. Fucking Firearms
The 3D printing community is no different. This manifests in the form of Defense Distributed, a group of loons attempting to create functional firearms parts with the magic of advanced printing technology. While the only pieces they're actually printing are relatively small parts- the lower receiver, that piece is the part of a weapon that holds all the bits most crucial to shooting and actually counts as a firearm under the law. At the moment, their products are still fragile, relatively harmless things. Still, it's chilling to realize that some people, when given the opportunity to create anything, will instantly choose the gunniest part of a gun possible.
#1. Dicks, Dicks, Dicks (ed. note: Links are mostly NSFW)
Don't say you didn't see this coming.
From prehistoric art to Chatroulette, human progress always winds up revolving around boners. Why would the technology that actually enables us to create realistic 3D objects be any different?
3D printing is all about the johnson. Male members can be -- and are -- printed in all variations: Your own dong, your partner's dong, and even Dr. Manhattan's dong can be replicated.
Progress looks like a huge blue cock. Somehow, we aren't surprised.
And of course it goes beyond mere penises. 3D printers can churn out all sorts of sex toys, from basic dildos and butt plugs to Justin Bieber vibrator sleeves and the Freaky Freud, a bust of Sigmund Freud inexplicably meant for masturbatory purposes.
Still, despite all the horrible crap 3D printers are being used for, we refuse to believe they are a bad thing. At the end of the day, a technology with so much potential for awesomeness can only overcome its obstacles and become the shining star it was always destined to ...
... oh, goddammit.