Recently, a chain letter circulated online claiming to have the magical power to force Facebook to stop sharing your videos and pictures for their own nefarious use provided you simply post it on your wall.
This silly and entirely fake copyright notice claims to give users exclusive power over their own images and videos, completely ignoring the fact that this is a power all Facebook users already have.
"Take that, Mark Zuckerfuck."
But that got us to thinking -- if there's a chain letter out there that can magically stop Facebook from doing something, why stop at protecting your pictures and videos? Why not apply that same mystical status update magic to the vast catalog of other annoying Facebookisms and banish them forever? Where are the sternly worded letters protecting us from things like ...
#5. Getting Spontaneously Invited to Events
Just because three of your 678 friends are attending Dr. Alistair's Third Annual Free Vasectomy Picnic at the Mulberry Farm Animal Petting Zoo doesn't mean Facebook's wondrous algorithms should suggest that you go. Besides, you know the whole thing is just a setup to prevent human/animal cross-breeding, and supporting such a cause would cripple your social life.
#4. Ever Having to Deal With Profile Redesigns
Every few years, the folks over at Facebook get bored and attempt to fuck with the natural flow of our eyes across a profile page, probably because after they created status updates and slapped up some games, the only thing Facebook designers could do was continuously redesign profile pages to make Zuckerberg think they were actually doing work as he walked by their desks. This chain letter would magically erase all hints of a redesign, leaving you with something that looks more like a GeoCities Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan site from 2002, except with more Dragon City requests.
"What the fuck is a Lifestream and why is it violating my wall?"
#3. Being Added to Groups Against Your Will
When Facebook gave us the ability to create a group and automatically add anyone to it that we wanted, it turned us all into Nigerian-prince-style spammers. We find some bullshit we want to cram into people's ears, and then we wrangle up some digital avatars and scream our opinions and favorite links at them. All the while, the people in the group are confused, as they wonder why someone's preaching about African people with dysentery. With this chain letter, never again will you have to find a new way to say "WTF is this and why am I here? Who are you? Goddammit."
"At least you lucky bastards don't have Facebook to deal with."
#2. Reading or Seeing Anything About Whoever You Want
There are some people on your Facebook friend list who you never delete because it's better to keep your enemies within sight, rather than let them squirm away into the ether of the Internet. But that doesn't mean you ever want to hear them mentioned in any way. With this chain letter spell, all references to the person or people you choose from a list -- whether they be mentioned in a status update or tagged in a photo -- never show up in your timeline. At all. You can check up on their big stupid faces to make sure their faces are still, indeed, big and stupid, but their big and stupid faces will never accidentally slip past the "hide all posts from [insert your enemy's name here]" filter.
#1. Having to Read Pathetic Fan Page Status Updates
Just because you got hammered and drunk-liked Velveeta Shells and Cheese doesn't mean you have to live with their tragically pathetic status updates, which are run by the lowliest saps on the Velveeta Shells and Cheese totem pole. By reposting this set of magically enchanted, legally binding words, you will put an official end to a box of uncooked pasta with a packet of goopy cheese sludge asking if your vacation plans include a congealed bowl of starchy orange paste.