All the men (and most women) I know have one thing in common: They have a zombie contingency plan. If the zombies arise tomorrow, everybody has at least a hazy outline of what, exactly, they would do to survive the coming onslaught. It’s the single best part about the zombie mythos: planning your strategy. So I asked everybody I could think of to submit their own zombie contingency plans, and this is but a small sample of what I received:
By Robert Brockway
Since I’m planning on criticizing the plans submitted, it’s only fair that I go first. My zombie contingency plan:
I live in the inner city, so I’m pretty well fucked. But I also live in Oregon, which is somewhat sparsely populated outside of the cities. The only way to survive is to get out as fast as possible. To that end, I’ve looked around and I know that I live within a few blocks of three important things. First is the Gun Room, the scariest fucking gun shop in America. If you want to kill something, the Gun Room not only has the supplies to do it, but they’d probably do it for you at a reasonable fee (caution: “reasonable fees” as dictated by the insane may vary greatly in their definition of “reasonable”). One block away from the Gun Room is the fur supplier/taxidermist. Apart from having warm, tough, weatherproof hides aplenty, they also have complete hunting/survival materials and several items that could make great melee weapons, from old decorative lumberjacking gear to a giant stuffed moose head (come on, what it lacks in practicality it more than makes up for in style). Two blocks away from the Gun Room is the Post Office, and the Post Office has a lot of fully-fueled, well-maintained, simple, rugged vehicles in their high-fenced back lot. They have the keys on premises, and all vehicles have very few windows, but a lot of storage space for supplies. Some of the newer ones do not have driver’s side doors, but the older ones have pure steel driver’s side doors with old school bolt-locks. They get fair gas mileage, are unlikely to break down and can handle rugged conditions.
I know the backroads to get through to these areas, and I would not leave my transport until I reached them. I would load up on guns, ammo and hunting/outdoor supplies, then grab a Post Office truck and take those same backroads out east where civilization thins out a bit. Once there, I would raid one of the many towns along the off-routes that have populations among the dozens, if that. A small pharmacy, a feed market and a grocery store are all you need now that you’re supplied with gear and out of the city. There are plenty of those around, so I wouldn’t waste time grabbing anything in a danger zone as hot as the city. Even a roadside gas station has first aid kits, batteries, flashlights and packaged food. I would pick my way back to Central Oregon around the Indian reservations where there is fertile ground and high, flat plateaus in the middle of otherwise even plains. High ground to defend, structures already built, out of the way and you can see anybody coming from literally miles away. In the winter it gets cold enough to freeze, but no blizzards or white out conditions exist. I would wait for the winter and see where to go from there–move north and hope for more permanent settlement or just wait out the worst of it until control is restored.
Pros: It is awesome.
Cons: I once ran face-first into a sliding glass door. I am not competent enough to do any of this. I would probably trip over my own feet and stumble slapstick-style into an undead group hug.
By Meagan (my girlfriend)
When the zombies appear and start messing with everything, I’m going to rely on you to have planned everything related to our survival. I’ll steal a pair of Wheelies to wear so I can glide away when I need to make a speedy exit, but I’ll still have good traction when running. I’m also going to pack up our nice sheets because I’m sure you never thought about what linens we would be sleeping on while we’re on the run. Before the Internet goes down, I’ll get right on making our Zombie Mix CD. Can we have Fiber One yogurt in the zombie apocalypse? Being constipated wouldn’t help our cause out any…
Pros: It is adorable.
Cons: You will be dead within minutes.
By Jennifer Bonesteel
Well, I workout everyday so that I can be faster than a slowly moving shuffle. I also try to hang out with at least one person who is slower than me (obese or elderly) so that when the zombies attack I can leave them to be eaten. I’ll miss my grandma, but a zombie apocalypse is no laughing matter.
Pros: Check the byline, again.That’s her real name. Jennifer. Fucking. BONESTEEL. I have no doubt she will not only survive the apocalypse intact, but quite possibly will do so in a silver rhinestone tanktop, and eventually end up running a methane fueled trading post with a mentally handicapped giant and a little person.
Cons: Lacks detail. Sure you’re going to feed them old people, but where are you going to feed them those old people, and which old people go first? Details are important. Not like old people.
Start of the outbreak.
Destroy the steps to my front porch, and barricade the first floor windows of my house. Wait for the shit to hit the fan, get as many friends and loved ones over to safety.
Few days later.
After the mass panic has resided a bit, mainly due to more people being infected and dying, scavenge as many supplies as possible. I live in a large fraternity house, so staying put may not be such a bad idea. Load up on food, guns, ammo and supplies. If the outlook for the house is bleak, attempt to clear out and move in to one of the large freshman dorms that were fallout shelters during the cold war.
Weeks later.
Start a small farming operation on the roof of the building, or the court yard of the house, depending on the location.
Months later.
If still alive, attempt to lower the zombie population–i.e. kill the fuck out of them–and look for survivors.
Years later.
Start over? kill as many zombies as possible.
Pros: Low expectations. There is no grand scheming here to distract from the day to day survival, and the simpler a plan of action is, the less there is to go wrong.
Cons: You are stuck with frat guys forever. “James Bro-lin, that sounds like a sausage party! Who brought the chicks?” “It’s the zombie apocalypse, Broseph Stalin, no reason we can’t have a kegger!” And so on. You will last two days before the madness takes you.
By Davis Fyke
Basically using my access to multiple arms and my connections with the chief of police, I would hunker down in the armory with my guns and crack. All I really need anyways.
Pros: Guns.
Cons: Crack.
By Sarah
Luckily there is a retirement home/community only a few blocks from my house. Plenty of applesauce and boardgames for me; plenty of slow and senile people for the zombies.
Pros: Another plan that relies heavily on feeding old people to the undead. It is nice to see that practicality is taking front seat here, with such concerns as “love” or “morality” in the back. Way Back. Like in a trailer. At the gas station. Twenty-two miles ago. Which is now covered in zombies.
Cons: Again, lacking in details. It seems like everybody planning on using the elderly as zombie chaff have little else to go off of. What happens when the elderly run out? Much like feeding wild animals, you have taught the zombies to rely on your location to provide free food. The difference here being that when you show up without food for the pigeons, their revolt does little but soil your suit, whereas if you show up empty handed to a zombie feeding, you end up being that which they soil their suits with.
Alright my plan is actually overall very simple, but is broken down into several steps so that they can be altered based on a few factors: the type of outbreak, heavily infested areas which would be to dangerous to attempt at passing, survivor error or random events out of our control.
Step 1: Determine the type of outbreak.
Is this an airborne strain? Is it necromancy? Is it passed mainly through bites or can in be transferred by clawing or open wounds? Is this the fault of a biological weapons facility under the guise of a pharmaceutical company? This also applies to what type of zombies are we dealing with? Are they fast? Are they smart? Can they climb? Have there been odd mutations in the strain causing almost superhuman alterations in some of the victims? Once all these factors are determined, THEN and only then may you proceed, because if you just run out of your house waving a machete in hopes that you’ll make it, you’ll be deader than Liam Neeson’s wife. (Too soon?)
(Editor’s Note: Yes, yes it is. But fear not, there will be little room for political correctness in the zombie apocalypse. Zombies are a notoriously “blue crowd.” Get it? There’s always time for a zinger!)
Step 2: Gather your team.
We’ve all thought about it. If you’re reading these plans right now, you’ve thought about it. If there is an outbreak, who will you take, and who will you leave behind? Sadly enough this usually means leaving your parents and siblings behind unless they have some sort of useful skill. That is all what it boils down to. Do they have a useful skill? It’s a good idea to bring a wide range of skilled persons with you. Bring the strong, the intelligent and even bring yourself a couple of slow moving people to put a bit of meat between you and the horde of ravenous bastards. It’s important, though, to not bog your team down with too many useless members. You may still have some shred of humanity left in you that makes you want to save that child, but he’s just going to slow you down. Try to keep your team tight and essential.
Step 3: Get some supplies.
Unless you plan on eating canned cranberry sauce for years and beating the infected away with rocks, chances are you’re going to need some supplies. The smart zombie survivor already has at least a bladed weapon and a bit of food at the ready, but it won’t last you very long. After your team is together you should head towards a large department store such as Super Target, Wal-Mart or Costco but be sure to scope it out first. Big store means a lot of customers which means a lot of infected. Remember your goal is to survive not be reckless. Now places like Wal-Mart all have an outdoor survival section and this should be your first stop. Grab axes, machetes, saws and everything that might be an essential. Next grab tools and medical supplies and then finally grab food. You’re looking for food that will last a long time, canned food, cereal etc.
Step 4: Move to safety.
Now the common tactic for zombie safety is to find a military base or a heavily fortified area nearby. That’s not enough. With the amount of people who will turn infected you’ll quickly find yourself overrun by the horde. The safest option is to steal a puddlejumper aircraft (or befriend some one who can fly a plane) and get to either Hawaii or Alaska. I’m going with Hawaii on this one. One of the small islands is best. Being disconnected from the mainland, there is a good chance that the infection hasn’t spread that far, and if it HAS then with a smaller population to deal with it will be easier to hold back the horde. Yes it is very important when on the island to locate a heavily fortified structure and build up your defenses but it is equally important to locate a supply of food, and tools.
Step 5: Stay smart and stay safe.
Now it is a matter of waiting it out. No doubt you will lose some allies. This comes with the territory. The important part is that you stay alive. Keep your base of operations organized and send out for supplies only when needed. Clear the corpses from the base and always keep someone awake to look out. And always keep your weapons on the up and up. Like Three Dog says “Never forget the importance of periodic weapon maintenance; rifle, pistol, police baton, I don’t care which. If your weapon is falling apart, the only wasteland asshole it’s going to kill is you. So be smart. Salvage those parts and make repairs whenever you can.”
Pros: Comprehensive, complete and largely lacking in any of that pesky mercy or distracting human sentiment.
Cons: Largely lacking in human sentiment means you are unlikely to “befriend” anybody, much less a puddlejumper pilot, who will, regardless, have nowhere near enough fuel to get to Hawaii. You will die together 1/4 of the way there, silently despising one another as you sink into the ocean.
By Chris Butler
So I go to school in Maine, and I’m right on the coast. I have a couple of family members who live further up the coast of Maine on an island that’s pretty much 95 percent redneck hicks, and five percent deer. The plan is essentially this: When the zombie outbreak finally does occur, my cousins are going to hijack the ferry used to shuttle cars from the mainland to the island. They’re going to float her down the coast until they get to my school. Myself, and any other unsullied survivors will swim out to the ferry, where we will begin the trip back to the island where we will make our stand. The amount of guns, alcohol and pissed-off lobster men will ensure a small amount of relative safety until winter, when the zombies freeze. Resupply missions will then be sent out to look for survivors and other food. Sadly, or perhaps fortunately, I have discussed this plan in great length with my cousins.
Pros: The ferry transport is a great idea for an organized evacuation.
Cons: Unless you know some ferry captains, you’re probably not getting out of the docks. Survivors swimming to boat could be infected. Lobster men are notoriously unreliable folk, unless you’re referring to the new roster of the Crash Test Dummies. Those guys are fucking solid.
By Jeff Shock
Technically I have two zombie plans: fast zombie (a la 28 Days Later) or slow zombies (like Shaun of the Dead). The fast zombie is pretty simple: First, get food and supplies such as Spaghetti-o’s, canned foods, Twinkies, etc. Then procure a nice bank vault and a shotgun.
The slow zombie is a bit more in-depth: Walk (briskly) to a mountainous area that’s hard to climb. I seriously doubt I’ll need to run. Also, it might be preferable to go to a mountain in Alaska as the cold temperatures added to their already low body temps could turn them to corpse-sicles
Pros: Multiple plans for multiple scenarios. Too often we fall victim to the arrogant assumption that we know what the zombie apocalypse will be like.
Cons: Bank vault = low on oxygen, low on supplies and hard to gain access to. Alaskan mountain = also hard to gain access to… unless you live on an Alaskan mountain. In which case, you’re most likely there precisely because of the fear of something like a zombie apocalypse, and so probably also have your stores, weapons and hermit-like persona at the ready. You have made your plan and are living it, so congratulations! (P.S. Sweet beard and flannel shirt, Alaskan native! You totally don’t look psycho or nothin’!)
Step 1: Gather “homies” and attempt to keep said “homies” to a decent boy/girl ratio.
Step 2: Gather weapons. We were going to do this by getting my friend’s husband to donate all his crazy-ass hunting equipment, so we would have the guns themselves, in addition to the ammo and the ability to make more ammo (’cause most drunken hunters make their own ammo.)
(Editor’s Note: This is a terrifying factoid.)
Step 3: Invade a grocery store, preferably one that is bigger then a local grocery store, but not as big as a Wal-Mart. The reason being that Wal-Marts usually have an insane number of entrances/exits, while the smaller ones don’t have enough food to sustain said “homies.” Also, attempt to find a grocery store that has a liquor license, because let’s be honest, what’s more fun then blowing the heads of the undead while drunk off your ass?
Then it’s pretty much just barricading the doors with a heavy object (we figured the ice machine would be heavy enough to block the doors, and big enough to cover the whole door. If your ice machine isn’t big enough, then proceed to blow the fuck out of any zombies that try to get in, then use their rotting bodies as a natural barricade; the smell will be annoying at first, but not as annoying as being eaten alive by your dead grandmother). Finally, use the phone to contact others that perhaps have more guns.
NOTE: If no one is reachable by phone, then hook a music playing device to the overhead speakers and blast some heavy ass death metal, because not only is it fun to kill things while listening to death metal, its also a great way for passersby of an un-zombified nature to know that there are other non-zombies occupying the structure.
Pros: It’s always good to know a drunken, mentally unstable ammunition maker. Your plan, from the corpse-barricade to the simple aside that it is “always fun to kill things while listening to death metal,” terrifies me.
Cons: Grocery stores use display windows as basic marketing tools. The front of nearly every grocery store, regardless of size, is made up of large glass planes to show off the merchandise. It’s the same logic that put those windows there in the first place that is going to screw you: It’s there to put food on display.
By Tanya Silander
Authors note:
I am writing this from a fully and completely realistic point of view, I add none of the frivolous magical properties of a ghoul or zombie, and disregard the illogical completely. The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks, takes the first part of the book explaining the virus “Solanum,” and I am going to work off of that idea, using the same name. It is that concept alone that I am working with; that it is a virus. All other concepts are completely scientifically based and we will explore the possibility that a virus such as Solanum exists in nature and that it has the ability to infect a hosts brain cells (neurons), first by entering the circulatory system via bodily fluid interaction of an infected individual and an uninfected individual, and finally making its way to the neuronal cells and manipulating said cells. I will disregard the communicability of 100 percent used in the book in favor of a more realistic number, 99.4 percent as used in The Stand by Stephen King for a man-made virus (given that that is the most likely scenario for the creation of this virus). Critics may say that this is not a “zombie” contingency plan, and to them I say nay, it depends on your definition of “zombie.” Plus, I find the idea of realism much more horrifying than fiction. Fiction you can brush off as being something implausible… The following may be fiction, but it is very plausible.
Skip this if you don’t give a fuck about biology:
In order to realistically write a zombie contingency plan, one must have knowledge of how a zombie functions in order to exploit their weaknesses and predict their attacks. I am telling everybody right fucking now, the anatomy of the zombies outlined in The Zombie Survival Guide is impossible. The zombies would disintegrate, with cells lysing on a scale so grand that there is no way they could eat you/pass on the virus before turning into a pile of mush, let alone have the capacity of movement. Therefore, I am about to discredit any possibility in the known world for a human body to function without the proper systems in place. A virus is considered “pseudoliving” which means that it is not technically alive by the standards of science. Without the host cells machinery, a virus cannot grow or replicate. Thus, a virus must take control of the host cells machinery and use that machinery to create its own DNA and subsequent proteins. This hinges on one very important point, the cell must function as it has always functioned. It needs glucose, fat or protein to begin the aerobic respiration that uses oxygen as a final electron acceptor in the path to making ATP (energy) to run the metabolic processes of the cell.
The implications of this are great, the zombie has to have working lungs to bring oxygen into the system, working circulatory system to transfer said oxygen along with nutrients and wastes, and systems which can eliminate said wastes. This brings into light the very real weaknesses of the zombie. It must be “living” for all intents and purposes, but that does not mean it will be easy to kill. Here’s the kicker: The virus can manipulate the cells. The neuronal cells that stop replicating in adult humans are once again capable of regeneration, a virus can lie dormant in a cell for very long periods of time (as evidenced by HIV, which progresses into AIDs once the virus decides to lyse the cells releasing the virus into the system) and make the cell replicate with viral DNA in the nucleus creating hundreds of cells with viral DNA in them. This means the virus will make the neuronal cells replicate, creating millions of new neurons each with viral DNA in them, each with the ability to control more of the processes of the human brain. One may also imply that the zombie is much smarter than your average human being, with a larger number of neuronal cells capable of propagating larger numbers of signals at a faster speed. I contest the idea that zombies are stumbling creatures with an off-kilter gate and little hand-eye coordination.
I believe that this hypothetical virus would create extremely intelligent humans which it would have full control over, by producing the proteins and enzymes of its own DNA rather than that of the original cell, it would be fully plausible that the human infected with this virus would be controlled by the desires of the virus, which would be to infect new hosts. Also, the infected individual would not be the same person they were in their lives with everything from memories to basic wants and desires being manipulated and changed by the virus. The zombie would also have a heightened set of sensory systems, and it’s plausible that the neural signals from their external body are blocked by the virus in the CNS, reducing and possibly eliminating the effects of pain or touch sensation. Furthermore, they may act with a hive mentality, working towards a common goal (and remember, they’re smart), and their circulatory system may be routed in order to increase the amount of blood to the muscles, increasing their strength and agility. The most horrific realization: They may look completely normal. The virus does not necessarily impact their vocal chords, and they would look like a regular human being. Their behavior would be notably different, but they could pass the virus on before the realization of what has happened is fully recognized.
Contingency Plan
With this knowledge in place, we can begin to determine what will and what will not work. Quarantines will be key in containing the virus to large areas (in the range of regions to complete countries). Given our inability to distinguish the zombies from the humans, large quarantine areas will be key. All air and sea ports should be shut down, and control of the army and air bases is essential. A 99.4 percent communicable virus can most likely become airborne, especially since viral particles are pseudoliving and can enter a dormant stage if not active in a cell (such is the case when they are housed within a water molecule, such as on a humid day). Dry climates are best due to such conditions, especially since a zombie lacks any other desire than to pass on its virus and thus does not drink, dehydration would be a good way to defeat them. Other ways to kill the zombies via natural causes would be to expose them to harsh environmental conditions, such as the extreme hot or cold, high saline, low/high pH and anoxic environments all fit the bill. Thus, the best areas to flee to would be the deserts, the higher and lower altitudes and the poles. The worst places would be the mountains, valleys, jungles and tropics.
Also, since they are human we can kill them if it comes down to that. We would want to see them coming given that a more intelligent being would outsmart us in a terrain war using the mountains or valleys. The plains and deserts are ideal for such a situation. Saskatchewan, where you can watch your dog run away for three days, is a good place to be for a zombie apocalypse. This is where the plan gets sleazy and corrupt. We need to get rid of these zombies before they kill us all, and we have to do it in a way that causes the least amount of damage, least bloodshed (especially into the water systems; I’ll say it again, viruses are pseudoliving, they can live in the soil and water forever until it attaches to a host cell whose machinery it can manipulate) and the most successful. Thus we will need two plans, one for “the bait” and one for “the survivors.” You’re reading the survivors guide. The bait will be those that believe a virus can evoke a stage of being “undead” in which these things cannot be killed and the mountains and valleys should be used to hide from and trick them.
The survivors guide is for those that know these fuckers are smarter than us, and would kick our ass in a terrain based war of wit. Trust me, this is necessary. Think of the people we could get to follow the bait guide? Bush, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, etc. Man, I’m beginning to WELCOME the zombie apocalypse. Anyways, we can lure the zombies into the valleys and mountains, from there dams can be taken out and landslides created provided we still have control of the army bases (I thank you Wright brothers). Meanwhile, safe zones can be created and established in areas where the weather would kill any remaining zombies in a disposable manner (such as through freezing, and might I add that if you freeze a zombie it would be much like freezing a human, where the plasma and extra/intracellular fluid freezes into crystals which would tear the cells apart resulting in death). Due to the high communicability, the zombie bodies will have to be destroyed, I’m thinking a controlled nuclear blast in the areas the zombies were lured to. Fire is a good way to kill a virus, since even the pseudoliving cannot deny the destructive powers of heat to proteins which make up their outer coat. Thus, to the areas where any remaining zombies fled to and eventually died due to extreme environmental conditions, let the forest fires reign.
Note: this plan is kind of geared toward North and South America following the quarantine, it can be applied to Europe as well. Japan, if they got hit with this virus, they’re kind of screwed. Britain, you’re screwed. Australia… well you guys have all that poisonous stuff, so I’m pretty sure the zombies are afraid of you. China, fucking nuke them if this happens, because with that high of a population they are fucked. Canada, Russia and the Scandinavian countries will pull through nicely, and the US, if you guys don’t go all batshit on me, you’ll be alright (I’m talking to you Utah, you and your Mormons, lol.)
Pros: Holy shit. Easily the most well thought out, well reasoned response received. Logical, intelligent and practical.
Cons: You’re no fun. You ruined zombies! You ruined everything and I don’t like this game anymore and I’m going home.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under zombies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
[...] plan! here is some reading for a good laugh (or is it?!?!).. do you have a zombie plan??? What’s Your Zombie Contingency Plan? 11 Practical Strategies | Cracked.com and more importantly.. 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen | Cracked.com [...]
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Where would you go if zombies walked the earth? (COMIC):
http://www.gregdietzenbach.com/little-fish-big-pond/2009/10/23/strip-48-zombies.html
October 7th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
have to agree with rose here tanya doesnt seam to know as much about the human brain as she makes herself to sound
September 27th, 2009 at 9:56 am
The last plan is the one closest to my own, but however I would like to contest the claim that zombies would have super-human intelligence due to regeneration of active neurons in the brain. Not only is this part of the plan ultimately flawed, (zombies who are smarter than us, yet will fall prey to natural conditions like turkeys staring up at the sky while their mouths fill with rainwater? Not gonna happen.) it is scientifically unsound. Brain size alone doesn’t make a person any smarter, nor does the number of neurons they have. A person is born with all the neurons they will ever have; since a newborn has more brain cells than anyone reading this, does that mean they are smarter than you?
As for the size of the brain: Einstein’s brain was actually somewhat smaller than what is considered average for a grown man, but the anatomical reason for his intelligence is because the neurons in his brain - probably less than you or I have - were exceptionally well-connected. Intelligence lies in the number of active synapses (connections between neurons) and the electrical activity in the brain.
In fact, most of the connections in a zombie’s brain have been severed or broken down due to the parts of the brain that control anything besides the urge to pass on the virus being shut down. They would only need the brain stem for that, not the cortex. The cortex is the part of the brain that controls sensory perception and higher thinking. The brain stem controls the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for involuntary actions of the body: breathing, digestion, heart rate, etc. A person in the final stages of the infection would have the approximate processing ability of somebody in a coma. They can keep breathing and taking in food, but not much else.
September 26th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
I’m lucky enough to live in a very rural area. With only 2 houses visible from mine, we’ve only got about five neighbors to worry about, and the nearest town – 2 miles away – has a population of 145. My sister lives about 20 miles from town, with 3 other houses in sight – all of them extended family. About 30 miles away down a virtually deserted road is a town with a population of less than 300, with a small medical clinic and a veterinary clinic right on the border, away from most of the population.
My mom knows how to can food at home, and since at least my parents, my sister, and my sister’s in-laws each have their own garden, and since at least 1 person in every household in our family can hunt – and half our family runs cattle ranches – obtaining food won’t be much of an issue. Everyone in our family hunts. My parents own at least 3 rifles, 2 shotguns, and 2 handguns, plus a reloader so we can make our own bullets. Every other household owns at least 1 or 2.
My mom also happens to be a nurse, so all but the worst injuries could be handled easily. With 1 likely uneventful trip to the town 30 miles away, we could carefully sneak up to the veterinary and medical clinics and take whatever medical supplies we need (I know from personal experience that many veterinary tools can be used interchangeably with human medical tools).
It’s likely that at this point everyone would gather at my sister’s or one of the other family’s houses. We would probably go to my sister’s, since our house is very close to the road and has such zombie-friendly features at an enormous living room window and a flimsy sliding-glass door. Our half-ton pickup and 30 foot stock trailer would be more than capable of hauling all our supplies; likely my dad and I would do the loading while my mom would watch for zombies. She’s a gun enthusiast in her own right, and would have no trouble taking down a few zombies with our 30.30.
Once the whole family was gathered, it would then be very easy to hold down a stable defense. We’d even have a lot of old and slow people everyone seems to be so keen to throw to the zombies, as well as some annoying cousins. Not even a whole lot of kids to deal with, either; a two-year-old, a three-year-old, and the youngest after them is 13. All we’d be worried about then is my other sister’s family (totaling 6, including the aforementioned three-year-old) in a small town about 90 miles away, and my sister and extended family wanting to bring in friends, girlfriends, etc.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Well since im canadian, the whole raid a gun store plan and just owning a gun in general is pretty hopeless so in that case i’d be fucked. However I live in Ottawa home of the rideau canal which just happens to be the biggest freaking skateable ice surface in the world, so I’d pretty much get on the ice and just keep moving, if any zombies tried to eat me, they’d probably slip in a horribly funny manner like cartoons will i skated away, and in the summer there’s a nuclear fallout bunker nearby so i could stock up in the winter and hide their for the summer.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:26 am
* 2 females just proof read
September 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I’ve got a plan and a kit already set. I own a gun and have plenty of ammo, also I have a multi-tool ave/ crowbar. hammer that I would bring. I’d drive to this grocery warehouse about 10minues from my house and lock down the place. The bonus to all this is one of my really good frinds and fellow zombie apocalypse group member will meet up with me and we would begin to fortify and take inventory. In total the zombie party consists of 5 adults (3 male and one Female) and one small child (boy). from there we would be able to survive there for upto 6 months, there is a generator and a gas station right next door, down the street less than a block there is a hunting and outdoors shop where we would re-arm and stock up ammo, the best part of all this is there is roof access anf with a few long boards the roofs can be linked or unlinked at our descretion. If no resuce came within 6 months we would need to move and have a plan for that aswell. which I may post later…
September 14th, 2009 at 8:17 am
i want to be on you
September 10th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Tanya’s is stunningly simmilar to my plan… except without death metal and high octane nightmare fuel.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:23 am
With my .35 Remington handy, I will take my loved ones north, through canada, in a convoy of 3 cars: A scout car with me and my .35 remington in it with the driver and an extra few gallons of gas. The main car is a RV which carries supplies and drags a 1000 gallon tank of gasoline. The last car is a truck carrying a 500 gallon tank of gasoline and 100 gallons of drinking water. It will also carry a hijacked m60 facing rear. We head north from MA and follow the coast to mid canada. Then we head west, through the wilderness and oil fields to alaska. we then steal a boat and head to russia, and pick up supplies their. Then we head to the philipine sea and find an uninhabited island
September 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Nice plan, burntoshreds. however, have you taken into account the fact that the zombies may sever the rope trying to get to you?
August 30th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I would get a metal bat for a weapon, some food and water, First Aid and other minimum essentials and fit them into a backpack. I would then try and drive to a Lowes of Home Depot to get rope, a cordless power drill, and a box of screws (or have the hardware on hand before the apocalypse).
I would drive to the nearest multi-story office building (like 7-or-so stories high). and proceed to go the second floor using the stairs. I would then break apart the cubicle walls and use them to barricade the stairwells and elevators, using the drill and screws to secure them. Even use multiple layers of cubicle board if necessary.
Then I would scavenge the break rooms for any other food or supplies. Going back down to the second floor, I begin to tie the rope into climbable knots. Finding something for it to hold on would be difficult. I’d break open a second-story window, and climb down the rope to the ground.
Gathering food and other essentials is first on my list. Stuffing the food into my backpack, I go back to the office building and back up the rope. After eating, I’d disconnect computer monitors and build an SOS on the roof with them. I’d still leave one connected, though, as to maintain access to the Internet and outside world if there’s still power, and maybe even send out a distress message. I’d wait for a few days until my next supply run, as I’d possibly have water available in the bathrooms and break rooms until the utilities start to shut down.
I’d start winging it then, looking for other survivors and just trying to survive in general.
August 30th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Tanya is a total buzzkill, don’t invite her to anymore parties.
August 29th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Step 1: bring my friends.
I mean seriously, if you’re alone, there’s really no point of being alive, right? also, one of my friends has a father that was in WW@ or SOMETHING, and has a big-ass arsenal.
Step 2: get to the shopping center.
Our shopping center has the following:
A sporting store. (weapons, clothing, barricades, guns, entertainment)
A pet store. (food, entertainment)
A grocery. (food, drinks)
A video gaming store. (entertainment)
A Gottshalks or however you spell it. (clothing)
A car rental. (transportation)
A drugstore. (general supplies)
A pharmacy. (medical supplies)
We can use these to survive a good long time, and there are several shopping centers with the same general layout in our city.
Step 3: set up a base.
We need a designated base of operations. our most likely prospects are either the grocery or the sporting store. once we have settled in, we will make guidelines:
Always travel in groups of two or more.
Always carry at least one weapon.
NEVER go out alone.
Never go out at night.
Check defense every night.
Leave only a couple entrances, and guards them at all times.
Never relax your guard.
If a zombie bites someone, kill them without hesitation.
If someone gets lost, don’t try and find them. You’ll get killed.
If a large group of people get lost DURING THE DAY, search for them for three hours, then call it quits and try again some other time.
If you see a zombie that you used to know, DO NOT HESITATE TO KILL.
Step 4: fortification.
make sure that all entrances are guarded. establish routes between buildings. our group should be large enough that we can guard all buildings. any building unguarded will be sealed from the outside, only accessible through intelligent, non-zombie means. entertainment times will be limited, but not nonexistent, to keep morale up. all zombie bodies will be burned. we will isolate an area for growing food, using unique climates in large pet store displays. we will make sure that the animals in the pet store mate, to have a steady supply of meat. we will set traps obvious enough that any non-zombie can avoid them.
Step 5: Sex.
Sex is a step. we will have a ratio of 1 consenting female for every 3 males.
Step 6: World domination.
After all the zombies are dead, if that happens, we will rise up and rule whatever population is left.
August 28th, 2009 at 9:07 am
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August 27th, 2009 at 11:09 am
“All other concepts are completely scientifically based and we will explore the possibility that a virus such as Solanum exists in nature and that it has the ability to infect a hosts brain cells (neurons), first by entering the circulatory system via bodily fluid interaction of an infected individual and an uninfected individual, and finally making its way to the neuronal cells and manipulating said cells.”
So there has to be an exchange of bodily fluis? Does that mean that if you’re able to kill a zombie on a close-combat, or in a way you don’t destroy it completely, you can actually eat their skin to survive as long as you’re wearing gas masks and stuff to prevent transmission via any other ways? If you’re really careful for not touching any fluids. Are there any parts in the body without fluid?
And that actually is the best thought-out evacuation plan ever. Althoough you can never know who’s infected and who isn’t.WOuld it actually be that bad, considering it’s not a death, it’s just being taken over? Those zombies sound more attractive than the regular stumbling, drooling zombies everyone talks about. I actually think it wouldn’t be that much of a drama if intelligent zombies would take over, maybe we wouldn’t even notice it. Anyway, I’m glad I read this.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Fabian…
Hey thanks. Just what I need to have to think about. Was looking around for info on Thursday and came across your blog post . Don’t have time to really comment today, will come back later on. Thanks again….
August 26th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
and for all of those with who talk of the .45 hand gun and the .22 rifle, the .17is lighter, smaller, and travels higher fps. kicks like a BB gun and can actually kill from somewhat of a distance
August 26th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
the survival guide is great… if you love zombies like i do, head down to your local book store (boarders is best since they carry more) and check out ALL books published by permuted press. And borders is only best because i found John Dies At The End a month ago, published by permuted press for 16.99!!!!
August 25th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Anyone here read the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks? Great book you guys should really read it and be prepared when shit hits the fucking fan.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Lets face it.. Britain is fine. British people simply wouldnt put up with zombies. And us Irish people, we’d DEFINITELY figure out a zombie drinking game and invite them to join in.. before engaging them in a large bar brawl.. The best way to drop a zombie is whack it on the head with a Magners bottle after 12 Guinness. End Of.
August 24th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Firstly, I’m a Brit, and I’m sure we’re not totally screwed. Our geography is unique, and can play to our advantage (more to follow). Anyone in London,Birmingham,manchester etc is royally done for, no chance there guys, sorry, there’s just too many people. I can see many avenues for survival, but I have to admit I’m envious of Liam, being in a Fireteam in the corps sounds hardcore. It’s true, we’re nowhere near as well armed as our American buds, but we do have have plenty of guns to keep us going. This i’ll get to in a bit, first though is the exit strategy. In order to understand how britain will fare, we have to look at the country as a whole. America has been very generous with it’s depiction of us. Luckily, only a minority of the population is intelligent. Only a minority is in good shape ( a la Bond-esque levels). We are fast approaching a country of uneducated obese useless individuals who wouldn’t notice if their nearest and dearest had fallen foul of a zombie related illness. These people will be the first to fall, and shall provide great cannon fodder. We are heavily populated, so this is clearly an issue.So now, my plan: I live in a big city (Brighton), I’m in a flat (apartment) within a block of 4, all neighboring buildings on either side. I’m ground floor with a pussy back door made of glass mainly. The front has a lot of windows. BUT I’m trained in 3 martial arts and am shit hot with melee weapons. Firstly, get out of the flat, it’s shit. My girl Jane MUST come with me. I’ve trained her well, and at 5′6 117lbs I’ve seen her drop 2 guys at 6′3 210lbs each with one spinning kick when they tried to take her bag. plus I love her. Anyone else and I’ll feed them to the frenzied. I’d take the pitchfork, spade, and tape knives to my escrima sticks. on to the car, taking a sensible amount of water with us. Stop for fuel if necessary ( All stations release the pumps internally, know this and know how to do it). Next is the DIY store, it will provide a great deal of supplies for weapons, but no guns/bows. You can get everything you need for explosives here too. Store’s big, but brits are thick, most won’t think this is a good place to go. Either way, be on guard. Always look out for new transport - My choice? - L200 , Hilux, Navarro, Ford F150 -350. Ideally. The most dangerous element in a heavily populated area is other people, not just the zombies. If you can’t kill a man who just wants to survive then guess what? You won’t survive. have you seen the chav scum when the bar runs out of stella? luckily, they can’t run. Choose life? - Choose your priorities. Mine’s getting my girl to safety, then my survival. That’s it. (We’re in the process of moving in the next year, She likes my idea for the “Zombie Case in the garage”, including pro body armour etc!). Too many plans have too many people. In the Uk the best bet is Wales or Scotland with just those around at the time of the outbreak. Anywhere else is too dense with people. If it’s airborne, we’re all doomed, so forget that. If hospitable conditions apply, then Wales and Scotland in their peaks are the best choice. It can be very cold, but accessible via a good 4×4. Long term? i agree with the original, grab food on the way from small outlets, it’s not that important in the UK (if cross species contamination doesn’t occur) hunting opps are huge, grab vits and mins, you’ll be ok. In terms of growing produce i grow my veg etc at the mo, and I can tell you if it weren’t for shops selling the stuff as well I’d starve. I make good money, am very fit and know how to ” work the land” and the shit still dies/gets eaten by bugs etc. you can base your survival on it. In times when people did, a lot of them died. I don’t mean to offend any yanks out there but what you went through in the depression, we wrote the book on it. Many times over. I’m sure our ancestors would have lovingly shared that info, but we didn’t have your fax number. So, where was I? remote location, on the way there are military bases, most notably in wiltshire if you’re headed to Wales. Guns.Lots of Guns. Know how to use them? I do. If not learn. IT’S NOT LIKE THE MOVIES. Don’t let skinny dudes fire the big ones. Know how to maintain them too. Then? Find a base on high ground, rotate watches. Keep training. Train everyone else. Thank you america for your help in WW2, contrary to popular belief, it was noted, appreciated, but not needed. no offense. ( We back you up recently didn’t we?). We can hold our own better than anyone when it comes to adversity. My job now is to train people. Sometimes to look the best, but most of the time to be the best, to be our soldiers. Despite the brilliant resources given to the americans, our boys tear yours apart in hand to hand environments. hence the rules: Don’t drink with the Brits, Don’t gamble with the Brits and DON’T FIGHT WITH THE BRITS. If we work together we will win. If we don’t, fuck it, doesn’t matter anyway. I intend that out of most populations we will fight the hardest, since historically we have fought and won more wars. the dumb slow fat stupid members of society will provide suitable fodder. i think that’s the basics, the key element to survival is a bit of chance, a desire to win and having the necessary killer appetite. Personally, I can’t wait. if the real I AM LEGEND outcome occurs though, shouldn’t we join them? No more AIDS, Cancer, Pig flu etc? And they don’t seem to want to start wars? now I’m really digressing. Back to planning the Zombie Case.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Benny…
Don’t quite get what it is about your blog post. English not my first language…anyway have a nice Sunday :)…
August 22nd, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Tanya apparently misread the question. This is about surviving an zombie apocalypse, not surviving some realistic virus pandemic.
The whole point of using the word “zombie” is that one is talking about the walking dead fromthe popular movies.
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:55 pm
AWESOME DeadStawker
Just some things you forgot:
Remember to bring the hot chicks, not to populate the world, but to have a good time till your old and u die
And… ALWAYS be aware that for the standard type of zombie, a well barricaded place will be more than enough to hold WAVES of zombies
But after making a well enough Zombie-Proof shelter, the first thing you gotta look after is for survivors or psycos in panic trying to look for a safe place, or just to kill some people for the heck of it before shooting himself
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Plan: -Find yourself a gun, a fire axe and a well trained zombie killing dude that enjoys saving the world while listening to Rock/Metal can kill up to 10,000 zombies in one day ASUMING its the stantard slow and stupid zombie (DEAD RISING)
-Go to Canada or some cold, plain and low populated place
-Look for USEFUL survivors
-Settle up in the highest flat part of a mount, field or valley
-Gather as many food, water and good clothes as we can
-Plant our own food crops and farms
-TRAIN the survivors and let them know why to enjoy killing zombies
-Spread as soon as you train teams, and erradicate the zombies.
Cool, now just live happy and die, dont bother on keeping human race alive; they’ll just do it again…
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 am
Ummm, that last one seems to have kinda missed the point of a Zombie. Y’know? Undead? Not a fucking army of Wolverine’s minus the claws? If it heals, has sharp senses, is a great killing machine and isn’t dead it’s not a zombie, it’s Hugh Jackman.
August 22nd, 2009 at 2:17 am
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August 21st, 2009 at 12:04 am
The thing about China nuking the fuck outta everything is, because the population density is so high, everyone will likely be infected overnight, because you can infect someone, turn around, and you’d see someone else you can infect. Thus, who the heck is left to nuke the shit out of everything?????
Plus if the virus is airborne, then any safehouse plan will be ruined, as they all require ventilation, and the virus can easily infiltrate through that and infect you all.
Just find people named Zoey, Bill, Francis, and Louis, grab SMGs, Shotguns, first aid kits, and a pistol with infinite ammo. Then either head to the docks, to a random farmhouse, to the hospital or to the airport =P
August 20th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
So the last plan, it’s description of a zombie is pretty much a super human trying to turn you into a super human and NOT kill you? why not just let them?
August 20th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
man, i’d just go to the bottom of the grand canyon, plant some vegetables on the fertile parts, raise some goats and shit. you wouldn’t even need weapons once you got there, the zombies don’t have the motor coordination to scale them mile deep cliffs.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
More neurons may actually make “stumbling creatures with an off-kilter gate and little hand-eye coordination.”, as just making more neurons won’t make a brain work any better, just as throwing a few more parts at random under your car’s hood won’t make it run better.
The brain needs very specific wiring, PLUS, having more neurons needs more space, so either:
a)The zombies would look like The Brain; or
b)The brain would suffer due to lack of proper blood supply, pressure to neurons from the enclosed space or incorrect/broken neural pathways.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I live next to the mall from Dawn of the Dead. That is my zombie plan.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
“Australia… well you guys have all that poisonous stuff, so I’m pretty sure the zombies are afraid of you”
Hahahhaa
August 20th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
My plan is to try to attract the zombies into a tight space littered with highly unstable explosives, pull the pins on a couple of hand grenades and blow the shit out of their brain munching asses “I am Legend” style. Cuz I figure if it happens most of us are fucked anyway so might as well go out in style and bring a couple of them along for the ride. Hopefully one zombie would survive and be thinking “dude, what a dick move.”
August 20th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Based on Tanya’s scenario…smarter, stronger, doesn’t feel pain, looks totally normal, and, as per the usual zombie scenario, will most likely win. Fuck it, my contingency plan is to deliberately infect myself!
August 20th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Wow, that last one was brilliant… Tanya even knew that Utah’s mormons would be zombie fodder.
August 20th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
The actual zombies should be the least pof your worries should a Zombie Apocalyse arrive. It’s our fellow humans, stripped of their morality and under no rule of law, once again reverted to their natural, savage state, that should worry you the most. To prove my point, just check out the Governor in the Walking Dead series. No zombie will ever be scarier than him.
August 20th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
To Brett, your fallout 3 reference made my fucking week.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Interesting ideas, theories, designs…crackpot & otherwise (you know who you are). Is it me or as zombie pop-culture gotten really f’ing big really f’ing fast? Somewhere, right now, Romero is going, “Wtf happened?! All I wanted was a Pepsi…”
Okay, presuming the chiched rotting, anatomically impossible variety most identify with:
-None will rise from the grave; 6ft of packed dirt, a concrete vault, lack of a hex key for the casket and bla bla bla. Not gonna’ happen. The older pine boxed ones will be too decrepit and wouldn’t be able to budge from such tight quarters. Ironically, cemetaries are some of the best places to seek refuge; lots of hardened cover (stonework everywhere), many fenced in, some better than others, devoid of living…which brings up the bigger threat.
-The living; your BIGGEST threat isn’t a zombie, it’s the smarter, faster, more desperate folks that want your supply of ammo, canned food, (wo)men, fuel, etc. And they will come, trust me. 1stly, the mass panic is gonna’ cause all manner of rioting, looting, etc before final truth gets out. Right there, mass fires, constant 1-upping, hoarding, etc will put us worse off than most of these scenarios stipulate cuz’ they’re only dealing w/ the zombies, not your neighbor who is suddenly well aware of the provisions you have…and he doesn’t. Cue ill-conceived greed-based violence. This keeps us from the main priority as we degrade into “Me Too!” mentality. Unwilling to acknowledge the collective in a survival mentality, we will succumb to the 1st real instinct of self-preservation. Limited resources, atmosFear, time a huge factor = catastrophic urban decay on an exponential scale. Rural areas fare better (less ppl to compete with). Inner city areas, ghettos particularly, will become Zero Zones (0% in, 0% out). If you don’t get nipped and ultimately thrown to the wolves once the contagion’s vector is realized, you get robbed (likely killed if you protest) -> no remaining defenses = death.
Most initially flee to stock up @ Wal-Marts & the like…err, wrong. Everyone has the same idea; ensuing panic, traffic, infighting etc fucks up a simple plan (too many cooks spoil the soup). You’ve seen how stupid and wreckless ppl get over concert venues, let alone terrorist attacks. Amplify that fear 10-fold, add in ignorance, greed & social apathy…yeah, it’s bad.
If you’re not prepared ahead of time, try another recourse. The only way would be if you had inside info (1st small outbreaks, no real media coverage) prior to loading up @ a super store, but when others (see above) see you stocking up enmass, like panicked sheep, they will follow suit and start a chain reaction, call/text everyone, etc. Snowballs quickly.
Unless it was organized w/ armed officials, it turns to shit double quick. All those cops, national guard, etc, they would be mustering elsewhere; namely bridges, ports, rail x-ings, any place where the plague is likely to spread worse. This means, ultimately, you can only keep what you can take, likely by force of arms as the fear mounts. Cue gangbangers, ill-prepared gun enthusiasts, etc…they will likely take to fighting each other instead of forming militias (what they should be doing but are too stupid and undisciplined to do).
Eventually, armed bands fend off the rest @ these stores and try and hoard it for themselves. Won’t work, too many ppl will be no embittered, too stupid to look elsewhere, too many points of access to defend, too populated an area (more zombies), etc. It can’t work well against the zombies, it will work less against desperate ppl that know how to circumnavigate the crude defenses. Inability to negotiate, barter, or think ahead leads to this. Ironically, once the herd has thinned a bit, zombies have moved to pursue fleeing refugees, a good many resources will remain, though it will take great tenacity and stealth to get them later, when it’s safe-ish.
Best bet are food commissaries few know about, not simple info (War-Mart, Meijer, Target) that the whole public (your competition) is privy to. A Kroger’s warehouse, fish hatchery, some place obscure and unassuming with limited access points, lots of non-perishables (dry goods, canned food is best), and the means to take them away quickly (you will be unable to stay here and “wait it out” indefinetly).
Fleeing to hospitals & police stations are about as bad as the above. Again, everyone has the same idea, some are likely infected and will conceal this fact or are ignorant, etc. Again, breeding an atmosphere of limited resources w/ too many mouths to feed induces competition. Competition mixed w/ life & death consequences induces (even more) panic…bla bla bla. Ppl begin to kill each other quickly, loot what they can, fostering defense/reprisals (more deaths), etc. All this activity, massed bodies, etc will entice more zombies. It’s a trap essentially.
Any place w/ massed resources (firearms, food, fuel, even camping supplies) will become a very bad place to be in the beginning (when it counts) and likely result in wound that will leave you worse off than before, a potential re-animated threat later, etc.
Prisons, like in the Walking Dead, are actually good places to make your stand by virtue of their designs. A good houseboat (corpses aren’t buoyant) perhaps. Really, you just have to keep moving in most scenarios cuz’, here’s the irony, they won’t be stationary themselves.
Mobility, like in warfare, is the key. Sun Tzu knew this a long time ago and not much has changed…just more ppl in the equation (more problems really). He who moves fastest & quietest, typically by virtue of intel (planning ahead), is most likely to survive. It’s just like National Geographic basically, except we’re the gazelles and the lions are a Hell of a lot more prolific, never get tired, and are everywhere.
-A touring bike w/ excellent mileage and cargo room (roads will be choked w/ cars) in addition to a very reliable mountain bike is best. Inevitably, fuel will become a concern. A pump is essential as siphoning is measured in seconds till you’re dead. Further out from the cities, a solid off-road vehicle w/ a ton of cargo space and good mileage (a contradiction, really). Realistically, the car you can get fastest to get away from everyone else is the vehicle for you. You’ll be trading up later likely. Extraneous crap = dead weight, the emphasis on dead.
A slim jim is golden. Anything to speed your egress. Better yet, an accountable/competent mechanic. Just like these days, every family needs a solid doctor, lawyer, and mechanic in the pocket. Well, the lawyers will be the 1st to die (few practical survival skills). So, yeah…
-If you can fashion your crew w/ the Dr. & the mechanic, you’re off to a good start. But not out of the woods. Everyone has to pull some weight, if not, they are a detriment which reduces % of survival to the whole collective. This means, once you get to a safe(r) stopping point, you have to begin to indoctrinate and x-train the shit out of everyone. Like an Army unit, you want to distribute resources, and in this case, know-how, evenly, so if that key figure dies, is sick, lost, etc., the whole collective isn’t slagged because of it. You take up the slack more readily.
-Someplace remote, hopefully pre-stocked, obscure, and free of lots of ppl, is where you’re going. Ideally, it will be self-sustainable; grow own crops/livestock, plenty of firewood, clean water, etc. Trick is making it look like nothing/inhospitable as others will come a’ callin’ one day and they won’t be in a very friendly mood. Funny how running for you life does that. Here’s the hard part; if they have meaningful skills to contribute, can pull some weight, cool, but they can’t be trusted (they’ll have others that they’ll want to bring in [dead weight]) for a long time. If they’ve lasted this long, that’s good, but likely, they’ll want to share your little secret w/ others that will only burden you and ruin it for everyone (everyone will die).
You have to kill them pre-emptively once true motives are established, which, as mercenary as it sounds, is really the only sure fire solution to protect you & your’s. Turn them away, they’ll just come back, albeit more prepared (armed, more #’s). Too inhumane? Consider keeping them in captivity? So, you gotta’ take someone out of circulation to guard them constantly, feed them, and so forth. The additional strain can/will break your commune.
Think of that old Aesop’s Fable…which critter was prepared for the Winter? Bla bla bla. You’ve heard it all before. Once of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Something we always seem to screw up despite our alleged infallibility (credit crisis, terror attacks, etc. anyone?)
There’s a wealth of resources for these impossible theoretics and entertainment on the web alone (here we are…). So, indulge, have fun.
I highly recommend:
-World War ‘Z’ & The Zombie Survival Guide (Max Brooks). The prior is a brilliant insight on modern sociology and the unforeseen variables. Best seller too. The latter is like an army field guide, anarchist’s cookbook, and Poor Richard’s Almanac all rolled into one.
-The Walking Dead (graphic novel). Basically, typical Z day format; microcosm of ppl trekking across Georgia mostly, trying to survive, hunkering down where they can, etc. Very adult, realistic and graphic as Hell.
-“Cemetary Man”, Romero’s first 3 zombie movies, “Re-Animator”, “28 Days/Weeks…”, “Quarantine” (actually not that bad), etc., all gold.
-All Flesh Must be Eaten, role-playing game. Kick ass, no-nonsense. ResEvil 4 is good, 5, not so much. Dead Space is outstanding, zombie-esque I suppose, very horrifying.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:51 am
“The zombie would also have a heightened set of sensory systems, and it’s plausible that the neural signals from their external body are blocked by the virus in the CNS, reducing and possibly eliminating the effects of pain or touch sensation.” Huh?
“Dry climates are best due to such conditions, especially since a zombie lacks any other desire than to pass on its virus and thus does not drink, dehydration would be a good way to defeat them.”
A superintelligent zombie would no doubt know that dying of dehydration would make them much less effective spreaders.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Thank you Jeremiah… lots of neurons does not equal intelligence.. if it were to develop more neurons in the body it would certainly screw with the “circuitry” of the body/brain but the idea that it would make them super intelligent is ridiculous.. but then again this is an article on zombies hah
August 20th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Well, I kinda live out in the country, so that equals not a lot of zombies. I also live next to a shooting range, and although I have to hear “BANG!” and “BOOM!” every few days a week, it’s still good, because of course they’re have guns and such. I also live like 15 minutes away from the biggest military base in the U.S., which is good, so I’ll just go next door, hopefully grab me some guns, and head off towards Fort Hood.
There’s a Wal-Mart on the way there. Also, I live in a city with a lots of hills, so another plus
August 20th, 2009 at 9:10 am
She said neurons would (re)generate well past the normal stage. kids learn stuff fast cuz their brains are growing. adults don’t learn stuff fast. imagine if you could learn languages like a little kid does when you’re 50. So, basically, I’m saying multi-lingual zombie polymaths will ruin us
August 20th, 2009 at 7:36 am
The last plan, while wordy and (seemingly) thought out, is based on a faulty premise.
Just because neurons may fire more doesn’t necessitate super intelligence in the zombies, especially if they’re taking their orders from the virus itself. Wouldn’t that mean that the virus would have to be intelligent?
August 20th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Does the last entry make anyone else think of Prototype? Survival my ass, I’m going to welcome the infection and then go all Alex Mercer on some zombie asses.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Gary…
…
August 13th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I love the last entry in all this. My plan’s nice ‘n simple: basically, I plan to join the Marines out of high-school- you know, enlist. I’m not sure if I’ll go career or not, but whatever. Anywho, if there’re zombies, it might happen during my time in the Corps (preferably during a time when I’m a fireteam leader- that way, I’ve already got three good men that I can trust with me), so I’d be set with weapons, armor, a vehicle (probably-hopefully!), heavy fire support and medical aid.
So, here’s a possible scenario: my battalion’s sent to the US to help quell “rioting,” though we’ve been issued with MOPP-4 gear; our sergeant’s not sure why, and the lieutenant’s being tight-lipped, but we know it’s bad. My platoon’s sent into the city aboard a number of Bradleys, or Mowab Piranhas (a type of IFV, or Infantry Fighting Vehicle), or Strykers, or something- maybe Humvees; most likely Humvees, actually. Anywho, my fireteam’s sent to a house to investigate what sounds like domestic voilence. When the person who answers the door gets tackled by a zombie from behind, we all open fire as it eats the person. Once we determine body shots are useless (probably after firing at least 60 rounds into the bastard’s torso), we turn its head into confetti with at least a dozen bullets. We report in ,find out everyone’s in the same straits, and we go about, looking for survivors and supplies. We stock up, maintaining comms with our unit, and when we get orders to pull back (or ‘if,’ really), I hightail it out of there, back to base.
To further show you my survival potential, let’s discuss what’s available to a single fireteam:
1. The Fireteam Leader: Me (hopefully). First of all, the Leader carries an M16A4 assault rifle or M4 carbine with an underslung M203 grenade launcher, plus regular grenades and I believe a more powerful radio. Quite heavily armed, as you can see, and I get an ACOG scope with it (the ACOG’s standard-issue).
2. The Automatic Rifleman. This guy provides our heavy fire support, hefting the powerful M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, which is essentially like the M16’s big brother. He carries multiple box magazines of about 200 rounds, and can share ammo with the entire fireteam. Very good at defending areas, I’d imagine, and can fire for a while before needing to reload.
3&4. The Riflemen. The last two memebers of the fireteam are plain riflemen with M16’s. Aside from more firepower, I’m not sure what these two do, really. I’d imagien that at least one will be carrying a rocket launcher or soemthing, which would come in andy sooner or later.
On top of that, we can call in fire support to help us escape, and coordinate with other units to improve our chances of survival. If we get into too much trouble, we just need to find a building, barricade the windows up, and hold the place until we can find an escape route, and so on.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I’m sorry. Gather friends. Go to Super Wal-Mart. They have guns and dry food. You take the dog food and stack that shit up in front of EVERY FUCKING DOOR POSSIBLE. You have roof access for the one black guy that wants to communicate with other roof goers (Dawn of the Dead remake), and you have PLENTY OF TOYS, which in my mind are fucking vital to zombie survival. You’ve got to keep yourself entertained as well, right?
August 11th, 2009 at 9:05 am
hmm… very interesting
August 10th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
fuck it, arguable the most useful skill is PARKOUR! fuck you cracked, you said parkour is for pussies. the ability to climb buildings and get access to roof tops is vital, since the streets will likely be offlimits for some reason. parkour works well in nature too, if you go to the mountains then parkour is easily adapted from walls and roofs, to ledges and boulders.
August 9th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
My best choice are the highways, on foot, after a few days of the infection when the cars are backed up, they will serve as barriers, as do the high grounds and large walls/fences,there are only two ways out, unless you have a
grappling hook. The plan is not to keep moving but to stay in a specific area, for the supplies, they may need to take a couple of trips, and also, im talking about highway bidges.
My equipment::
t-shirt (2-3)
Jeans(1-2)
Belt
Sweatshirt with hood
Gas mask or half face resperaitor (to deal with the smell)
Sunglasses
Beanie
Boots or tight shoes
Socks (1-3)
Gloves
Boxers(2-4)
RIO grande 45 quart digi camo backpack
headlamp
duffle bag
Beretta 9mm (200RD)
Saiga 7.62(500RD)
supressors for both(hopefully)
KaBar
grappling hook(s?)
binoculars
these are just my needs however I will be traveling in a group and we will have different jobs, here are what they need to carry.
MEDIC
Medical supplies including:
hydrogen peroxide(1)
Band aids LARGE(3 boxes)
Band aids Medium(3 boxes)
Band aids small(2 boxes)
Gauze rolls(2-3)
scissors(1)
22. rifle, (200RD)
aspirin,(1-2 BOT)
cough meds(1BOT)
flu meds(1-2BOT)
Brita water filter(3 Filters)
——————————————————————————–
Demolition/breacher
Shotgun(150-250RD)
45.(100-200RD)
crowbar
needs to know how to make explosives
lighter
——————————————————————————–
CHEF
small compact campfire stove
carrys the food
best at cooking
cooks(obviously)
can opener
bottle opener
45. (200RD)
——————————————————————————–
SCOUT
Binoculars OR spotter
9mm (100-350RD)
lightest clothes
AGILE
watches for zeds
fingerless gloves
——————————————————————————–
scavenger
AR 15,(200-300RD)
suppressor
must be quiet
searches for food, medical supplies, water, ammo, etc.
9mm(100RD)
suppressor
——————————————————————————–
MULE
Carrys everyones crap
propane(2-4 cans)for camping stove
gun cleaning kit
Water (25 BOT)
extra medicine
5 hour energy(16 BOT) in case of night attack
water purification tablets(3 boxes)
2-3 books
radio(compact)
shotgun(100-200RD)
22. pistol (100-150RD)
IN ADDITION! all group members must have walkie talkies with extra batteries
….Message if you would like to survive
note: this is just theory hopefully i can pull this off when it comes down to it, however some of the supplies may have to be gathered overtime
August 9th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
In Australia we have a company called Modern that makes shutters that double as security, as well as a range of wire and security doors that can’t be torn open.
When we build our house, every window will have the shutters, as well as using that glass that takes mutliple impacts to break.
Every door will have a security door as well, and have strong locks. Also, we will use solar power, and all power will be linked to that, as well as mains power. ALso, we will aim for lights, showers and taps to be energy efficient to enable longevity in our power sources.
We will also have a dedicated supplies cupboard filled with long life foods, and bottle of water. I may also consider investing into on of those water coolers that make water from air. ALl water will be boiled before drining in case of contamination.
At risk of mockery from my ‘more sensible’ friends, I will inform everyone close to me that my house is zombie proof.
Meanwhile, my sister plans to do up a bus with bars, etc., and we will have a radio to communicate. She can do deliveries when supplies run short.
Then, as I am in Australia, I’ll wait for “all that poisonous stuff” to kill off the zombies. My fences will be topped with barb wire, and as guns aren’t as readily available (as far as I know) I’ll have an armoury of nail guns and electric tools (battery operated).
However, this will all never come into play, because I do live in Australia, so nothing that exciting will ever happen, as displayed with our lack of disaster movies.
August 8th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
it would be frickin hilarious if we caught girl zombies and put them in stripper outfits and ditract all the male zombies till they die haha.
zombie boner!
August 8th, 2009 at 12:59 am
if this does occur. And I’m batshit positive it will. I live right by many a stores. About a block away is a gun store. So first of course I would hop my happy ass in my car break into the fun shop and load my ass up on guns and ammo. And melée weapons. Duh. Then i’d go fill up on gas and leave the change. I’d steal guns but not gas. How stupid. Ps gas is a block away from guns. Around the corner I have amesium sized general store, mmm food. I’d load up on as many canned foods as possible along with aid, liquor(for cuts) and anything else that will last a long time. After this I call friends to tell them my location of hiding. About two mrs away from my house is a home built partially above ground with the rest underground. Haha perfect right? Oh yeah I’d also grab flash grenades to lure these fuckers away from me. Duh. Again. This underground home also has sunpowered panels. How lucky is that? I’d shoot the owners of the home so I could have it. Survival of the fittest right? I’d board up all the windows, keep a battery powered radio. Oh yeah I’d also grab all the batteries and flashlights I could find. Even electrical ones. During the day I would blare loud music to attract these beast so I could kill them off more easily. And at night it’s lights off night vision goggles on. Yeah the gun shop has these. If not befre I leave for the safe house a mile up the road is a Walmart. They have everything. I’d start a grow room for veggietables and such. I already own an indoor plant thingy. I like me some okra and tomatoes. Well I guess we would just chill out until some kindof control is in order. With all these zombie bodies, what is one to do? Once a week during light we will gather the bodies and burn them. With some form of mask on. Once we are more settled we will find steal for the windows so make it more safe. It will be me and 5 other people. We are all serious about this. If my mother and brother come it is up to them. I love them both and I don’t want them to die. They would prolly stay with me the whole time. I’d leave the stepdad behind though
August 4th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I created a simplified Martial art geared towards decapitating a rotting(or weakened) human neck as the first step in my plan. After that I plan on surviving long enough to create resistance groups inside my community. Think of the pastor in Half-life 2.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
@Michael: zombies don’t die of natural causes
they can’t die of anything except trauma to the brain
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:01 pm
alternately, gain many levels in cleric and learn “turn undead”
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
My plan:
1:gather food, guns,etc.
2:Set up base on tallest tower possible
3:take out stairs,add ladders.
4:set up solar panels, windmills, small farm.
5:set up Xbox,TV, kill time until zombies die of natural causes.
August 1st, 2009 at 7:15 pm
my plan? Gather my friends and family, take control of the nearby national guard base and blow the fucking hordes to hell. It seems to work for both fast and slow zombies cause of the rapid-response vehicles, they have tank treads, gas mileage like a smartcar, and move as fast as hell and most of them have mounted guns on them. That and most bases have an armory, razor wire fences, shelter, and enough food to live out the zombie apocalypse.
July 19th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
My ace in the hole is catching an ass load of zombies early on and letting one bite me just once before i release it back into the wild. Then, in the time before i change i gather as many friends as i can and let the remaining zombies loose. Shortly thereafter I’ll be able to eat people and not be judged by the elitest few.
July 19th, 2009 at 10:42 am
i have read the zombie survival guide. it makes sense. when you are dealing with zombie plans, you should always remember “this plan is for romero rules zombies only. if fast zombies happen, i am dead”
this is because if fast zombies ever happen…….WE ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Get a vehicle and haul ass to Cabela’s. Get guns, food, and supplies and haul more ass to some po-dunk town in Kansas. Plenty of farmland and you can see for miles. All I have to worry about is tornadoes. No plan is perfect
July 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I would use my magic to make a counter virus, making all the zombies come under my control, then make them do a lemming leap into the ocean, to make zombie sharks.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:59 am
My plan is simple, at the first sign of an outbreak, I gather the 7 people I am bringing with me. 2 of them are strong, 3 of them are fast 1 is good with guns and ammo and the other can drive well and is good with directions. First, we get into the drivers mini-van (its her moms). Then we head to Save-A-Lot, to buy canned goods. Then we head to a gun store on Woodward. After this, we go over one of their houses to get a sledge hammer and saws. Then we go to an abandoned office building that is for sale on Woodward and destroy the first 5 steps (or more if we need to). Then the rest is simple. Wait until it blows over.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Smarter than us, yet don’t drink and thus die through dehydration. Smarter than us, yet will blindly follow the “bait” population while ignoring the “survivors.” Mmmm hmmmm.
July 11th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
To any of the plans that involved staying on boats, or islands…
ZOMBIES DON’T NEED AIR TO SURVIVE! They can walk along the seabed indefinitely and just wander the depths of the ocean. They WILL eventually, and inevitably find you! They have some sort of 6th sense for human flesh… trust me on this.
For those of you on the boats! Rotting flesh produces gases… gases which eventually bloat up a zombie chillin’ out under water. Yes, that means eventually, and inevitably, they will float to the surface like floating zombie balloons, and unless you brought a LOT of supplies for gun lubrication and maintenance out with you on your boat, your guns will be too rusty to blow those sum-bitches up with.
July 11th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
ps. don’t bitch about my spelling/punctuation. this the internet get fuckin’ used to it
July 11th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
as u’ve all probably figured by my name i live in australia. and i basicly set out 2 possible plans depending on how quick i realise the shit is going down
there are a few things ive assumed for many reasons
i have ruled out necromancy in my plans because c’mon fuck magic. (this is a science only zone)
that while zombies may get inhanced sences they wont be able to sence over insane distances.(i.e not resident evil where just being in one place draws them all to you)
at some time the zombies should starve like in 28 days later (if they dont just add cure reaserch to my plan)
they wont be really intellegent i.e they have little to no comunication skills or plan making abillity
the disease isn’t airbourne (plans go out the window there)
if i catch it fairly early on ill grab wat ever i can from the house (guns, food, camping supplys) pile it into my 4×4 pick up my girlfriend from down the road + any other competent people i can find and haul ass out into the central australia dessert (stoping along the way at any places of importance ie gun store, supermarket,hunting store,seed store ect. IF there arn’t to many zombies around these locations already) along the way trying to determine the type of infection (way of transmition, effects on infected,ways to kill them, and possible weaknesses) once in the dessert we will set up water gathering devices, plant dry surviving plants, set animal traps and set up tents. after that we will wait it out with a few armed sentrys posted around our camp at all times to kill any zombies who find us (im assuming not many because the dessert in the day is brutal with no shade and the nights go below freezing)
pros. it should work fine
cons. if a load of zombies rush us we’re probably screwed
and alot is based on assumtions that can go wrong badly
if i catch it late im just bunkering down in my house with the weapons and supplys i have and pray that my makeshift defences and supplys last out long enough for me to make it
(and maybe plant a garden on the roof)
pros. its easy..doesnt require as many of the assumtions
cons im probably screwed unless these zombies die of really quickly..this is more of the save one bullet plan
July 9th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
I have always wanted to make one of these plans. From seeing so many zombie movies I can say that 28 days/weeks is the most realistic. Anyway I choose this scenario for my plan- zombies can run and if you get infected blood/spit in your mouth, eyes, or open wound your fucked. I figure that zombies arent ones to shop for winter coats, so my first stop is Northern Canada. I live in Massachussetts so thats a better option than Alaska. My means of transportation will be a car that i will spraypaint black (I plan on only driving in the night) that has no headlights and instead a night vision periscope. Oh, wait, did i say periscope? Fuck yeah I said periscope. Now I have to do research for where I can steal a helicopter. I choose a helicopter because if you tilt that fucker forward the rotors are a zombie decapitator. This worked in 28 weeks and in Grindhouse: Planet Terror. I’ll make my way up to Canada in the frozen mountains making pit stops along the way at small town airports to refuel. Before all of this I will no doubt stock up on a shit-ton of guns and probably replace my leg with a machine gun (Planet terror is so underrated). Once in the mountains I’ll find some dudes log cabin and just live there. Canada is known for many mooses (meese?) and caribou to eat for the rest of my zombie free life. I just made that up at the top of my head and i am very proud.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:32 pm
My plan is actually made out with Google maps. you heard me.
I live in a place called Grand Junction, Colorado. That is where Colorado becomes Utah. there aren’t more than about a half a dozen places that sell guns there. I would walk down the street about 2 miles or so to my local pawn shop, stopping at the REI on the way there to grab a knife. At the pawn shop, I would grab a gun (no more than a small- caliber pistol) and an assload of ammo, and go west to my local Sporting Goods store to get a rifle. the rifle is vitally important as it effectively triples my range. another assload of ammo is also important. I’d also get some (at least semi-portable) fishing supplies to keep the food coming (an edible plants manual for my region would also be nice). I would then go to a more hunter- (and therefore ammo-) friendly town in the mountains. Whoever wrote the last plan discounted the fact that the virus would probably be transmitted via bodily fluids, like AIDS, but with zombies (extreme dementia, minor lethargy, almost complete lack of motor skills, etc.,) and would not raise the dead.
Viruses rarely change modes of transmission like that if the one it has now works worth a damn. It is, however, possible that it could just not use things like the liver, and stabbing the holy fuck out of the abdomen would not make a wet shit of a difference.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 am
Im not exactly sure the quote that britain is screwed is really backed up by knowledge of britain in any way by the last writer there. ok we dont have guns falling out of our asses like the guys in the US. (if we did we’d all be dead before a zombie apocolypse actually happens) but hell in case you havnt heard there is a distinct love of knives/stabbing shit in our countries. base that on the fact that knives/bladed weapons/cricket bats (shaun of the dead ftw) dont run out of ammo were pretty set for the long term weapon wise. then theres location. were an island. unless the virus is airborne (were all fucked unless we live on a space station anyway) or like in 28 days later some hippy fuckhats release the virus in london then i dont see any zombies swimming the chanel/ getting through customs (even snoop dogg cant manage that) then theres the fact that all things considered were not a very big island which means you dont actually have far to travel to get to an easy defendable position. Read: big ass manor houses, old castles, mountain cottages, big old farmhouses in the middle of nowhere etc. self defense wise while we wont really have guns unless you know a farmer/drug dealer just head over to your nearest museum (you wont have to worry about zombies in there fuck all people go there anyway) and sort yourself out some medievil shit. full metal suit of amour and your choice of fucking boss looking medievil weapons later your pretty damn zombie proof.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:35 am
As much fun as it is giving people nightmares about plausible zombie happenings, I find much more pleasure in pointing out flaws in said happenings. Much better than those stupid logic puzzles where you have ten people and ten things to match them to and five clues that do jack shit to help you figure out who matches what. But I digress.
I’m going to attack Tanya’s plan because it’s the most likely to give me nightmares, although I realize most of you have done the same thing and my rantings are meaningless.
First and foremost: debunking your zombies. Viruses kill. HIV, AIDS, etc. they all kill. They take over cells, replicate and devour the host until it’s dead. Dead I tell you dead. Totally throws your whole zombies being alive thing.
Furthermore: You contradict yourself several times in explaining how zombies are cooler than humans. You say they’ll have heightened senses but won’t be able to feel anything. You say they’ll be super intelligent but have a hive mentality and follow basic needs controlled by the virus.
As for your contingency plan, out the fucking window with that. With the virus being airborne there’s not a goddamn thing anybody can do to stop it, except kill it’s food: us (and you too). However, ignoring that fact, there are still flaws.
If these zombies are super intelligent, how in the hell are we supposed to bait and trap them? They’ll see any trap coming from miles away and know enough to stay out of harsh environments or protect themselves better than we do and still kill us.
Also, nukes = dumb. There’s no such thing as a ‘controlled nuclear blast’ because the whole concept of a nuclear bomb is a chain reaction of unstable molecules ever expanding until the fuel is gone. So you control the fuel you say? That’s fine and dandy, but you still have to worry about radiation. That’ll get us worse than any zombie ever could, and it would be our own doing. Your plan mentioned no shelters at all, which would be CRITICAL in surviving if the nukes or virus hit. We’re talking underground reinforced concrete facilities with their own air and water filtration systems, food stores/production, not to mention things to keep you sane while you wait out the nuclear winds. (Sorry, you picked realism as your weapon. I’ve got my dad’s experience as mine: he used to work security for a nuclear weapons lab. Their main training: mass fucking paranoia.)
On that note, I love your kill it with fire mentality and using stupid people for bait. Living in Utah, I know there’s plenty of bait everywhere ripe for the pickings.
Also, if you’re wondering about my plan to tear it to pieces (and if you’ve read this far) don’t worry too much about it, I already know I’m boned. Big city, lots of people, lots of stupid people in fact that are guaranteed to panic and cause more harm than anything else. Major hospitals local. Practically no defensible positions. I thought of my dorm tower, but the more you think about it, the less attractive it becomes. With eleven floors and only two elevators and stairs leading up, you think ‘trap the elevators on a higher floor and demolish or block the stairs after moving everything you need up’. But then you think ‘how will I get food and water, the water companies won’t supply it.’ I haven’t the answers. I thought about childish answers like ziplines, but what’s to stop the zombies from destroying these or climbing them? Sneaking out can only lead zombies back to your hideout and that’s nothing but trouble. If you can get out of your barricades zombies can get in.
As for the military base up the street, everybody and their dad is going to head straight there, after hitting wal-mart, home depot, smith’s and sam’s club (all the obvious local stores). So unless I start stock piling now and move, I’m very much screwed.
July 1st, 2009 at 2:15 am
I don’t quite understand… did that last chick say that zombies have to having living cells in order to exist. This seems oxymoron to me…
July 1st, 2009 at 12:52 am
dude…… and sean c84 have got a point.
would regular mosquito repellent work on zombie mosquitos??
June 29th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Incidentally, my plan in a regular zombie outbreak would be to get a ladder, and a tent and other assorted camping gear, and set up on the top of one of those things at gas stations to keep the people out of the rain while they fill their cars. Raid the gas station when more supplies are needed, and zombies are not around, and find another station when I’ve taken all the supplies.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
What about a mosquito-borne/Airborne zombie virus? Like zombie malaria or zombie influenza? We’d all be screwed. (I know malaria’s not a virus btw)
June 29th, 2009 at 10:46 am
As to the final idea, why would the zombies be highly intelligent? If they are being controlled by the virus, and the virus (being a virus) has next to no mental capacity whatsoever, then all zombies would be nothing more than the slow-shuffling idiots that we recognise today. Even if they did have some ‘hand-eye coordination’, there’s no chance they’d actually recognise threats or targets.
My plan? I’m British, so I’ll be spending the apocalypse whacking zombies over the head repeatedly with snooker cues whilst listening to ‘Don’t Stop me Now’ by Queen. I’ve also got some kids scooters in my garage, so I’ll probably use those in order to make a quick escape and, worst case scenario, as weapons. I live on the London greenbelt, so I’ve got a reasonably sized town full of supplies and empty countryside in one direction whilst all the zombies head to the city. Seeing as the zombies are unlikely to be able to tell the difference between the living and the living dead, I might as well pretend to be one of them (all I need is the right-smelling substances and a halloween costume shop), in order to survive large mobs of zombies. Worst case scenario, I’ll try and take down the lot of them in as cool a manner as possible, hoping that the same laws of fiction that have raised the dead also apply to situations where the ‘Inverse Ninjitsu Rule’ or ‘Cool=successful Rule’ apply.
June 27th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
guys ive been thinking about this for a while, and ive been
wondering…..can insects be zombies?? if so, we’re all
screwed so we might as well blast ourselves in the head
at the start of the zombie apocalypse…..
June 27th, 2009 at 6:51 am
I plan to fucking eat the zombies befoe they eat my precious cat.
June 24th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
hahaha i would totally blast some heavy death metal, thats just epic. Disturbed would be first on the playlist, simply because their badass lyrics go great with Resident Evil 4, which would be very similar to this situation, although hopefully you wouldn’t have a dumb bitch called ashley following you around and yelling “help me, leon!” all the time. of course, in this instance you could just throw her at the zombies without dying yourself. sweet….
June 24th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
My current plan will be to become an expert in the feild of medicine and Machine operating. I am currently looking for a house with an underground missle silo (thankyou cold war) where i will hide out should a Zombie Apocalypse start up.
if im forced to stay in missouri, i will gather up guns and a boat, to stay on the mississippi river. Solar power will be the key part of all my plans, everything electronic i use will be solar powered or battery powered. ( i will modify a car to make it solar powered, like a hummer H1).
I will also aquire sveral people for when either A) during the apocalypse we need a “sexy party” or B) when the zombies have all died out, we will need to “repopulate” the earth
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
i saw a few ppl are thinking fire is the way to go but i ask you this… Whats worse than undead chasing you with the intent of eating your flesh? undead chasing you with the intent of eating your flesh while on fire
June 20th, 2009 at 7:15 am
[...] What’s Your Zombie Contingency Plan? 11 Practical Strategies … It’s the single best part about the zombie mythos: planning your strategy. So I asked everybody I could think of to submit their own zombie contingency plans, and this is but a small sample of what I received: … [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
and to add to my previous post, I won’t have to worry about running low on ammo since the gun store gets shipments very rarely, and there are just stockpiles of ammo of all kinds in the back including grenades, tripwire mines, and enough weapons to start a third world country geurilla war (yes, I asked the guy running the place, and he joined our zombie survival group)
June 17th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I live in Western Washington in a Seattle suburb. The high population means that I’m most liekly screwed. But I do have friends who are just as paranoid as me about this and we have desgined a plan.
First, we would take our small group of selected survivors (including, but not limited to; a token black man, a large football player, a charasmatic leader, an extremely paranoid conspiracy expert, and a gun wielding trigger happy maniac). Second, we would make a caravan of large, tough trucks as we move through the zombie hoarde into downtown. We would then proceed to got to the army surplus store, the gunstore, and hold up inside of a Target store we will barricade. Luckily, all of these places are fairly close together in our town. We would seal off the place and stay on the roof, only going inside for nesecary supplies. If our Target supplies ran low, we would get back in the caravan and head to the convienient Costco across town, which I have inspected and only has one large open entrance. We would use radios we got from the army surplus to moniter the national situation (if the news weren’t already zombies) and hold out until this all blew over or possibly winter when the zombies would freeze (we would have packed our parkas). If that won’t work, load up the trucks with supplies and ammo and head out to Eastern Washington, collecting supplies as we go. Since Eastern Washington is sparsly populated, but populated enough for rescue, and practically a desert, that would make for good zombie holding ground.
As you can see, I have put a lot of thought into this. Because I am sure that it will happen within my lifetime.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
i live in upstate new york in a rural mountain town of maybe 500 peopl tops so if it does happen i will be best off for a few resons low population meens not many zombies also being in the sticks meens everyone in town has at least one gun and most people have many many more so there is a good chance of lots of survivors and few zombies
1.the first thing i would do in case of a zombie outbreak i would put all of my gun lockers and ammo in the back of my truck
2. grab all survivors i see running or shooting zombies
3. head to my school the reson being my school has a wood shop and a metal shop so there are plenty of tools and supllys for baracades also there is a large amount of non perishable food at the school and to top it all of in the basment of my school there is a huge system of tunels and a bomb shelter
4. i and the survivors i found will then proced to baracae the school starting in the basement and eventualy cuting off alll entrances except the back door to the band room reson being the band room has a huge window in it that looks over the entire valley so i can see anything coming i will use this room as a base of operations and the basment will be living quarters
5. tear out the seats in the school buses to use them for makeing trips to nearby towns for suplies and search parties (the school also has its own gas pump along with every farm around so gas isnt a problem)
6.make the school noticeable from far away my step dad was in the coast gaurd so we have flares strobe lights and all kinds of signals that i can hang off the roof at night
and dujring the day i will burn a few tires on the roof to let the thick black smoke rise into the sky and be seen for miles
7. begin useing the bus radio to contact other survivors and arange meetings and form a small colonie in the saftey of the school or if there is better shelter at that location
8.if the need to move dose arise either due to infection of the curent location or the notification of a better location i and a scout group will go to investigate takeing the pickup truck with as little suplies as needed for the trip
9.if the new location is a false we will return to the school with the suplies and survivors we found along the way
10.if the new location is indeed better that our current location we will head back to the school take all the suplies and survivors and load them into the school busses that we took the seats from and continue to our new location
June 16th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Why does no one ever think they will be one of the infected ones? Someone has to be. The zombie infection will not ask who wants to be one of “them” it just takes you. One person out there will start it…… it could be you.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Proper planning for the Zombie Apocalypse…
While tongue in cheek, this article reminded me of the prope ……
June 12th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Oh, also, Talon: Eventually, your shit is going to run out. Unless you have a magical cold-fusion reactor perpetual machine (i.e. generates power for electrolysis, to convert water into oxygen and hydrogen, and uses hydrogen to generate more power) that also shits out bullets and/or vegetables, you’re going to die of something long before you normally would’ve.
Most likely scurvy. I’ve yet to meet someone who can grow cabbage in fucking Antarctica.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:24 am
On the biology-based one: Holy shit
One problem that doesn’t impact your plan at all but I still give a shit about: Virus = much larger than a water molecule. How the FUCK do you stick a virus inside a water molecule that isn’t even one hundredth the size of one of the proteins in the outer coat?
June 7th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
In ref to the Human Produce one. Zombies will also hear the music and be attracted. Also, If i was a survivor I wouldn’t check out the noise unless I needed to raid the store, because someone could have been playing that and then infected. Now, if you have it set so it repeatedly randomly changes songs. It would be better. I may however assume its broken.
June 7th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Why do you say the Zombie Survival Guide zombies are not realistic, when basically every other zombie depicted is unrealistic? (The Infected from 28 Days are just that: Infected. They’re not undead, thus they’re not zombies.)
A post on Zombie Defense Wiki:
“No. see just stop. All this “Solanum is impossible because viruses only work on living tissue” are getting something very basic, very very wrong.
When they say dead, THEY DO NOT MEAN CLINICAL DEATH. The infected person appears to die. But it will be more akin to hibernation. Slowed respiration and heartbeat to such a degree that the difference is undetectable.
As for the long long post that said cells need oxygen. No they don’t. They need RESPIRATION. That aching you get in your muscles when you do something strenous for a long time? Anaerobic respiration. Literally, respiration WITHOUT oxygen. It is possible, but the byproducts are not pleasant. And the reason you breathe harder and faster after exercise is because you are taking that byproduct, and converting/expelling it from your body.
So if it is possible for respiration to take place without oxygen, then a virus can still use all the mechanics. Furthermore, if the virus takes 24 hours in the infected host to make changes to how the body operates, then the “death” state does not mean the virus would also die. Merely that it has multiple stages.”
-PedroAsani
So since I consider Solanum zombies to be the “real” zombies (my opinion, don’t try to debunk it cause you won’t) I’d probably go to Antarctica. I have the airplane, I have the supplies, and I have the weapons. I have the equipment to make a proper shelter there. I’d never have to worry about refugees or bandits, and zombies straying that south are 1 in 35 million.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Right. We take petes car, we drive over to mums, we go in, take care of phillip. Then we grab mum, go over to lizzes place, hold up, have a cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.
Now hows that for a slice of fried gold?
But seriously, that last one is kind of stupid. A virus is more likely to shut down neural pathways and, though not go to an undead state, create slower stumbling humans. A more likely scenario is if rabies were to mutate and become more communicable then the brain would be slowly “eaten” from the inside destroy areas of the brain reserved for the senses. This would create the GAR “zombies.” Saying that a virus would activate stem cells is just… well… irresponsible.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Great.
I’m from China.
May 31st, 2009 at 6:35 am
here’s my plan.
1) gather my friends, all of them (except them ones who have no useful skills, Butter this means you)
2) gather weapons of any kind (swords, gus, AK’s, sniper rifles, etc.)
3) find a very big mountain to climb (a problem here in texas) or hole up in a penthouse of a skyscraper of some rich guy (not a problem here in texas)
4) find alcohol to use for moltov cocktails, if there’s anything i’ve learned from Left 4 Dead, it’s that zombies hate fire
5) once the coast if clear, break into some random apartment, steal the residents’ keys, and boost their car
6) drive to the border (of mexico) and crash the fence, pray the soldiers haven’t been affected, but if they are, see step #4
7) drive to Cancun, Mexico and comandeer a cruise ship
May 31st, 2009 at 2:25 am
I’m practicing setting my farts on fire as we speak. I will become a walking instrument of survival. DERPA DERPA DOO! PHLUSHY DA TOILETTY! YAPPA CUM CUM TIT POOP!
May 30th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Several of the people above have forgotten that Old folks are fucking terrifying. Go watch homebodies and rethink your strategies.
Hmm. Zombies. I don’t have a car, There is nowhere in my vicinity where I could get guns (we don’t even have a police station). I live in the suburb of a major city and even if I get a car, all the roads will be blocked.
1) Barricade myself into my student flat (there are three locked doors between me and the zombies, unless someone’s been a douche while trying to escape). Organize my house mates and dispose of the ones that have been infected. More people will offer more targets when I make my escape.
2) After packing supplies and dressing in several layers to protect me from bites, take my club and crew and head 14 floors down the fire escape. It’s glass all the way, so we’ll be able to see everything coming. Make our way to the firehouse, 3 minutes from home.
3) Commandeer a fire ax and one of the vans on the premises. Take the back roads to a nearby town (10 minutes).
4) Here is where it gets risky. It’s a harbor town, so there are always a lot of boats. We’re counting on the fact that a bunch of people got zombified and thus didn’t escape in their boats. Or alternatively that there are some people on the water, that we can lure back with the flare gun we found at the firehouse.
If that fails, we’re pretty much screwed.
5) If it works, we’ll make our way to the nearby fortified island (it’s really there, I’m not making this shit up). Averagely it’s only populated by two people and a dog, so even if they’re infected, we can handle it.
6) Use our boat to do supply runs on the mainland and wait it out.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Also, Malligant, you have free access to a motherfucking castle? Know that you will always in life will be more badass than I will.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I happen to work on a small-to-medium-sized cruise ship, and have sufficient knowledge to drive and maintain it, so my plan is basically the “I’m on a Boat” stratagem minus the con. The major catch is finding supplies.
May 28th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Ok, well, I’m 11, but i’m a little more physically ready than most 11-13 year olds. But, i also have many many many zombie plans. The first one is if im at school.
Step 1: Go Home. Stock up on weapons/Meds/Food/Vehicles.
Step 2: Take some friends for a team. This will probably be my friends and family. We will call everyone elses family and tell them to meet at BiMart.
Step 3: Since i live really close to albertsons and winco, stop by there and stock up on food.
Step 4: Ride on scooter/bicycle/skateboard to BiMart.
Step 5: Barricade the doors. Grab weapons, grab food, and go to the gun area.
Step 6: Wait it out untill Military/Army shows up.
Pros: Good weapons/food.
Cons: So far away. Military/Army could take many years.
May 28th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Well, Im a Brit, and allthough we have no guns, I am the key holder for a large privately owned border castle that has recently been renovated. So when it comes, Im over there,.. and it will be drawbridge up, portcullis down and two fingers up to the rampaging zombies, ’cause I’m sure a castle buit to keep out screaming psycho scottsmen will have no problem with dermatologically challenged cannibals with bad eating habits.
Hell, its even got its own fresh water spring, deisel generator, and prison area to quarantine possible survivors and a private dock to the cove and the sea. These medieval fixtures now coexist with modern fittings such as central heating, a plasma screen television, surround sound system and internet access.
If im lucky I might actually get a bunch of the survivalists that do their re-enactment nearby for added manpower in resisting the verminous zombie filth!
May 26th, 2009 at 5:58 am
Don’t try and recreate Dawn Of The Dead and go to a “mall” whatever you do. On the off chance that it DOES happen (which I severely doubt it will, but I like to theorise) everyone will first rush to these areas for food and water an supplies. Then one gets infected. He bites five, they bite 5 more each, so that’s 25 on the third level of infection. 125 on the fourth. 525 on the fifth, 1025 (roughly) on the sixth, 5125 on the seventh. It wouldn’t take that long for those areas to be gone. Same goes for hospitals, churches, police stations and any transportation areas (airports, harbours, railway stations etc.)
May 25th, 2009 at 5:26 am
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May 24th, 2009 at 6:50 am
For every post where I see “Go get food/ammo/water/etc.” in the event of a zompocalypse I know there will just be one more walking corpse for me to have to take out. How’s about prepping for a disaster, I don’t know, BEFORE everyone else makes a panicky beeline for Sam’s Club? Just a thought…
May 21st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
I wrote an entire novel based on what I’d do to survive. If this was 260 pages long, I’d cut and paste…haha…but, yeah, in short I would get a katana or a couple of them and do whatever I could do to get to the freezing point of a mountainous region because the zombies would most likely freeze trying to get to me. My only guns needed would be for hunting whatever game wasn’t infected.
By my estimations, only one man could properly lead the human revolt to save us all from the zombies. That man’s name…..Ted Nugent.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:30 am
For the last one. Wrong, okay? Most viruses cannot survive outside of the body for very long even if they do have water. The vicious ones like flu can, but only for a few hours.
Bacteria on the other hand can, but they don’t reproduce like viruses and don’t invade cells.
To be honest, when it comes to zombies you’re more likely to be dealing with some sort of parasite that’s a little more complicated than a virus. That’s more likely as well, seeing as there are already parasites out there that can control their victims minds.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Screw contingency plans! I plan to die in the first wave of zombies. Screw preparing ahead of time, your mind preoccupied with survival all your life until the lucky day comes. I hope Ground Zero is my head!
May 19th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I live in the country down in Arkansas…I have a bunch of guns and ammunition, machetes, knives, blunt objects (which can pretty much be anything in your house). I have a few buddies who also have many guns and other weapons, most of them also have 4×4 pickups, which is helpful for mowing down large numbers of zombies and for going off road if the need arises. We can hunt and grow food. One of my buddies lives in a big house about a mile from mine, we’ll all meet up there. His house sits in the middle of 100 acers of land. We’ll hole up, sniping zombies with rifles and drinking beer. Now, usually I don’t drink, but hey, it’s the zombie apocalyps…unfortunatly, I live in a dry county. The closest liquor store is about 45 minutes away, so we’d have to do with what we have on hand, which will probably be around ten 30 packs between all of my buddies…that won’t last one night…crap…
May 19th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
wow, tanya, will you marry me?
May 19th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
If there really was a zombie apocalypse, I’d be living my life to the fullest. You know, doing stuff I love and the stuff I’ve never done.
Of course, I’m talking about stuff that I could do before I get killed by the zombies, of course.
Which would probably be pretty soon; I live right by a highway and a Wal*Mart. (Lucky me)
I’ve never been one to plan; I’m more of a ‘make it up as you go’ kind of person. So yeah, I’m pretty much screwed.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Okay…so i am reading along and more than mildly amused by all this and then……………….. human hamster ball!?! Seriously, THX man I needed a belly laugh today!!!!Loves it!!!
May 19th, 2009 at 6:19 am
“Of course, the majority of your long-term zombie apocalypse plans aren’t going to matter once the reactors at all the nuclear power plants meltdown because no one’s attending them, causing radioactive fallout.”
I would like to point out that if a nuclear power plant is left unattended for three days, they automaticly shut themselfs off, making it very unlikly that any would.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
First- I would barricade the two front doors to the first floor of my house i figure there is enough wood in the basement to do so
Second- my father hunts ALOT so he has a large variety of fun weapons that i would use on the advancing hordes of zombies, he has 2 crossbows, 5 pistols of different ammo size including 2 .44 mags, not completly sure but around 7 hunting rifles including 2 .308’s and a .50 cal BMG which is used for grizzly hunting, he also has 4 target shooting carbines including a AR-15 that is just a few and there is plenty of ammo for every one of them
Third- since he hunts he tends to shop through outdoors magazines and in doing so he has purchased a large amount of MRE’s from the magazine also there is plenty of bottled water in my house
fourth- i would stay in my house and just pick them off until i either run out of ammo or its over
May 18th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
FOR SLOW ZOMBIES
STEP 1: once I heard of the attack I would book my ass down to The Mall (who knew)
STEP 2: Head to Barnes and Nobles (yes sadly our mall has no gun stores) I would head here because of the large sturdy books they have.
STEP 3: Barricade the doors well enough to hold off zombies.
STEP 4: chill in the cafe and kill zombies
STEP 5: when food gets low got to Kobe’s Japanese (God I love their chicken.)
FOR FAST ZOMBIES
STEP 1: stack up on guns from gander mountain or dicks and also stack up on food
STEP 2: go to a place with a looooooooong hallway
STEP 3: survive
Yea I know that 1 sucks
May 18th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
you would all be fucking dead in an hour…and so would I
May 16th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I’m british so we have no guns, so we may have a big problem there, but my plan is:
go to local block of flats (or apartments, whatever) and camp there. it is in close proximity to an asda (wal-mart) and police station, with the river nearby too. I’d set up an abseling rope down the side of the flats , and if they invaded id ecape down the rope, otherwise id use the lift (elevator) as zombies arent smart enough to operate the buttons. i would have a boat near the flats and escape on that, or use many of the cars that are located nearby. a building store, and police station are only a short walk away, so either ones of them could be useful. as for the actual killing of the zompies, blunt objects, such as the trusty ol’ cricket bat could be useful, but so could everyday objects such as peices of wood, or bricks. nevertheless it is more then likely that the miliatry would get involved at some point, so i would steal a gun from one of the dead soldiers, or riot gear from a policeman. i can also make petrol bombs.
or if all else fails remember the old saying: “if you cant beat, em eat em”
May 15th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
My plan is already in effect. Live in the woods outside of the main citys in alaska, have guns an food plus access to fish an other huntable game. Woodstove for the -30 winters. My main task once the outbreak started would be to make sure the main bridges leading into my area of the state an into the state itself where destroyed. Theres already plans in place threw the alaska national guard for there destruction in the event of a national catastrophe but one would want to make sure this was carried out. As a alaskan I wish to apologize to my fellow humans for sacrafising you to the zombie hordes. In my own defense I will point out that 80% of the plans say something about getting to alaska.
May 15th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Part 1: Fill upstairs bathtub with water and grab some food and the handgun.
Part 2: Destroy stairs to upper level with axe…if I can. If not, I’m screwed skip to Part 4.
Part 3: Wait and hope that smarter people (Military/Government/Scientists/Tanya Silander) kill off the zombies before food and water run out.
Part 4: In the event that food runs out or zombies find a way to me, attempt suicide via overdose on the pills and shit in my medicine cabinet, if all else fails shoot myself in the head.
Pretty simple really, I don’t really care much for the “try to escape route” as I’m not competent enough or in good enough shape to pull it off. Also, I don’t fancy being made into some sort of sex slave via “28 Days Later” should I seek shelter with the wrong group of survivors.
My friends and family are the type to make a run for it, so It’s a good thing I’m well stocked on books. I prefer fiction anyway.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
It seems to me that all of these blog posts have one thing in common: They do not account for the absolute worst case scenario. You have some scientist chick talking about securing army and air bases and a bunch of rednecks talking about getting guns. Here’s what would actually happen.
(Note: The way I see the “Zombie Apocalypse” is really just a metaphor for any large-scale national disaster that the government and military cannot completely protect me from, such as in the likely event of bioterrorism. This may be in the form of viral outbreaks, airborne neurotoxins, nerve agents, or any number of new technologies for which we are not prepared.)
1. Best case scenario: I happen to be driving cross-country for some reason and I end up in the desert or on top of a mountain or in whatever my location of choice may be when the Zombie Apocalypse occurs. Sure, it would be nice to be conveniently on an island or in Alaska, but odds are, if your American, you’ll be sitting on your ass somewhere, possibly blogging about this very thing.
2. Most likely scenario: I am sitting at home. This is ideal to me because I keep my apartment on the third floor and my door reinforced. Unless zombies can operate ladders I’ll be ok, and if they can get up it shouldn’t be too hard to hold my little apartment down. I would try to hold my position until help came or until I absolutely had to leave (say a fire broke out… Here’s another case where you have to be prepared for the worst). If I had to leave the apartment, I would gather my shotgun, my .45, all of my ammo, my gas mask, any extra filters, baseball bat, and machete. Also, in a backpack, I would have first aid supplies and any food I could gather, along with bottled water, batteries, any legal explosives such as firecrackers, poppers, or flammable liquids, and various other essentials. Hopefully I would have time to call my very select group of contingency partners, so that we could arrange to meet up. After clearing out as many zombies as possible off the balcony or out the window, I would use the shotgun to blast my way out to the car, strategically grouping zombies to save ammo. This doesn’t have to kill them necessarily. USING YOUR FIREARM TO EVADE ZOMBIES MAY WELL PROVE MORE EFFECTIVE IF YOU AIM FOR THEIR LEGS AND FEET, ESPECIALLY IN THE CASE OF “FAST” ZOMBIES. This should slow them down a bit more, especially if you are using a long-range weapon like a shotty (everyone should have at least one).
3. Worst-case scenario: You are in a public place. Hopefully, you saw the early warning signs of an impending disaster and got your ass home. But if you found yourself at the grocery store or the park at the time, would you still be ready then? First and foremost, America, get off your lazy asses and go for a run every once-in-awhile. I like to pretend zombies are chasing me when I workout. That way if it ever happens I can simply outrun them. Run to a car that has the keys in it and LOCK THE DOORS!!
Being in the car now raises more concerns. Firstly, unless you are a hermit living alone in the wilderness, you are going to see traffic unlike anything you’ve ever seen. In the likely case of a regional quarantine, the army and national guard will be everywhere, forcing you to take specific routes. It is WAY too optimistic to believe you will be able to drive anywhere. Rather, I have a place in both towns that I live in (Austin and San Antonio) which are always ready for the occasion. First I would drive through traffic until I could progress no further. Then get out and head for my location on foot. Ideally I will have at least two USEFUL people with me already so we can work together to make our way through the city, making necessary stops for supplies along the way. It is likely that all the gun shops and grocery stores have already been completely looted by this time, so in that case, skip the gun and ammo trips and simply pick up blunt weapons and KEEP MOVING! I know this sounds intense, but statistically we have a better chance of surviving on the move. (I tend to disagree with the last entry’s opinion that zombies will be super-smart and fast. Rather, in more realistic events, especially those terroristic in nature, I believe the infected are likely to be slow and uncoordinated with little organizational capacity or long-term memory due to damage of the cortex. They may be able to communicate, but will probably not be sophisticated enough to conspire together or plan, unless of course, they were mind-control zombies, which would suck.) By now, most of the people who were in their cars are dead. We then have to move through the city GTA style, jacking cars and going as far as we can, driving into storefronts and the like to gather supplies along the way. It may take several days to get to our actual location, but is important to find various good shelters along the way and stop to rest and plan our next move.
AVOID OTHER SURVIVORS AT ALL COSTS! I actually like the idea of using them as bait. It’s the motherfuckin zombie apocalypse. Trust no one.
The checkpoint here is getting to my location, probably in Austin at my old house. There are burglar bars on the window and I’m pretty sure there are still supplies from the Y2K scare. I also know how to get there from anywhere in the city, which is very important. We immediately secure the premises and then get to the roof to put up a banner (“Alive Inside” is a good one from a movie that says it all). Get down to the ground floor and seal off roof access. Sit back and relax. Hope we picked up some alcohol and lots of weed. It’s nothing but drinking and sniping off zombies outside from here on out.
Eventually, if help didn’t arrive and we ran out of supplies (say a week or longer), it would be time to accept the world as a total loss and try to reorganize to go someplace exotic and make our own best case scenario. This would most definitely involve mass murdering of zombies and infected people along on the way, so hopefully there isn’t an anti-virus that can turn zombies into humans again (although that would make a great movie twist). I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to think a more extensive plan through, all boarded up in the house.
This is not fiction. It’s the fucking Zombie Apocalypse. I dream about this all the time, as if my brain is trying to work out all possible scenarios, and yet each time I fail to survive. Then I wake up with a feeling in my gut like it’s gonna happen tomorrow. I’ve seen some odd sides to the government and have a good idea of what these scientist are capable of doing to the world. I think it’s time to start stockpiling on ammo, not because of gun laws, but because every day that we go without a Zombie Apocalypse is a lucky day. I figure something horrible will probably happen sometime in my life which requires use of the contingency plan, and I have a feeling that horrible event is not too far off. The people on this website need to stop clowning and come up with a real plan. Go to beready.org to read up on the government’s advice in the event of a national disaster. There’s even a kid’s section with Sesame Street characters to explain it to pre-schoolers. Obviously the government thinks that having a contingency plan is a good idea, and that adds a lot to my worries.
Yes I’ve thought about this way too much, and I’m a little embarrassed that I spent all that time writing it just now, but it is good to lay out plans on paper. Statistically, people who watch a lot of scary movies or have a well-thought out contigency plan are MUCH more likely to survive an extreme event of any sort. I didn’t want to post this at first because I think in the Zombie Apocalypse, it’s every man or woman for his or herself. I figure if people don’t already have a contingency plan, then they are doomed to become zombies. Only a select handful of people will actually survive and they will all have similar contingency plans (whatever that may be) depending on the particular situation. To be a survivor is in your blood. You are either the sheep or the wolves. When you look at things this way, it’s really not so bad, I mean, all the dumb people that make this world suck are now dead. See it as Natural Selection at an ultimate level.
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE MOTHERFUCKER!!! THE END IS NEAR…
LOL
May 14th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Of course, the majority of your long-term zombie apocalypse plans aren’t going to matter once the reactors at all the nuclear power plants meltdown because no one’s attending them, causing radioactive fallout.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
lol… megan’s plan is pretty much the same as mine - as mine is to just rely on my husband & his plan to keep me alive…
May 13th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Ok Everyone there is a safe place to go. It is called Stelle Illinois, and you can find info on it from either their own personal website, or on Wikipedia… (http://www.stellecommunity.com/) Basically, Stelle is a neighborhood in the middle of a corn field in Illinois. Back in the day, some guy started a cult and told everyone the world would end. He then recruited “specialists” such as doctors and electricians to be in his neighborhood cult. As a result, Stelle has it’s own water system (which is not in use anymore, but that isn’t the point…it COULD be in use if say, all other water is infected by zombie viruses) has solar power, their own phone systems and a garden for food…(all listed under the self sufficency section on the Stelle Website.) Plus there is a community house with vending machines and a pool and hot tub. I would gather some guns and some loved ones and head out that direction. The zobies will NEVER move fast enough to get you there…your children’s children could be in danger though. And NO I am not a stelle native…but I did date a guy that lived there….
May 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Incidentally, my plan is to carve a swath to my car using fire and mops (there’s a janitor’s closet just down the hall chock-full of hazardous chemicals, and I have enough blunt instruments in my room to reach that point). If this becomes impossible (i.e. closet door is locked), then I can still reach my car. Once there, I can switch to 4-wheel drive and plow my way to Wal-mart to stock up on guns, food, and machetes. Sure, the store may be infested, but with society crumbling to ruin, I don’t think I’ll get in much trouble if I drive right into the building. The doors are glass, and they’re wide enough. The concrete cylinders are fortunately not placed in the way.
Once suitably armed, I would try to establish contact with my friends, who have contingency plans of their own, and together we would flee the city and go north to Canada. Once far enough away from civilization, we would just have to wait out the plague until the zombies withered away. And pray that none of the zombies get eaten by bears or wolves, which would be much scarier and more difficult to evade.
This plan relies on the zombies being slow. If they’re fast, I think I’ll just content myself with starving to death while I reread my manga and Discworld books.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Tanya, there is a flaw in your proposal of how to deal with the zombies. You suggest that they will be smarter than us, yet you also suggest that they can be killed through dehydration because they will be driven to simply continue spreading the virus. Even insects know enough to drink when they’re thirsty; humans know to drink enough fluids even if they don’t feel thirsty. Wouldn’t a race of hyper-intelligent people (and I say ‘race’ because, with a 99.4% communicability, we would witness the emergence of a new race, contingency plan or not) know that going into the desrt without water would be tantamount to suicide? The virus wants to survive, so wouldn’t it make the super-intelligent hosts bring a canteen or two?
May 13th, 2009 at 5:48 am
You should post the commercials for the gun room. You know, the ones where they shoot out the Os.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I’m waiting for some weird human rabies epidemic.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
My contingency plan is simple !
Just use a very tight semidark grossy focalized blue jeans with the rear pocket facing like a skull and the zombies one time see that terrorifical face will gone fast and return where they came.. haha
May 9th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I have few neighbors.
if I break down all my staircases(all of witch simple and wooden, most of them being outside), then the living part of my house has no axecess. It has wood heating so we don’t need to hunt for oil.
my problem is food, and guns. my plan is to trade for this, we have quite the supply of achochol, and if we need to, we can offer that to trade for guns and ammo, and maybe pick some one who cam fight well in exchange for board.
entertaining us shouldn’t be hard, we have instroments, and board games, and dnd, and books.
as far as weapons go, an assult rife (med range, large vovl of fire), a high calliber handgun (effect at close range, and hold ups), and a shovel (longer range then a corbar, can be used to barry dead)
my only problem is I don’t have any useful skills other then running. witch makes me stuck on scavinaging missions.
so I’ll DM the dnd game. because then, how will they know where the adventure goes!
May 9th, 2009 at 8:55 am
kingpin44’s plan is all well and good cept for a few MAJOR things.
Do you even know how to drive or operate a tank? If so, good.
How accurate is a tank at hitting a human sized target with it’s artillery cannon? Pretty crappy. Running them over would be ok, but what happens when you run out of fuel? You’ll be surrounded and given the wonderful option of attempting to make a run for it, which in all likely hood will result in you being eaten alive now that so many G’s are around you. Or you can remain safe and starve to death inside your giant metal coffin. Have fun with that.
May 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I like the fact that I live in Wasilla, Alaska. Not a whole lot of people, lots of wide open spaces, so you can see the zombies coming, Not to mention the Sportsman’s Warehouse behind my nieghborhood. That place has one way in, lots of guns, knives, MRE(Meals Ready to Eat) type food and hunting/camping gear, and clothes, and boots and winter survival equipment. Basically everything you could ever need in order to survive any type of Zombie/Robot uprising. and it’s right next to the Liquor store!
May 6th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Hey Tanya,
Congratulations on your efforts to come up with something smart.
Still, I would like to remind you your plan has a fatal flaw.
Human brain cells DO replicate, right till the moment of one’s death.
Given both human and zombie brain cells do replicate and zombies are under the influence of a behavior affecting virus, it is logical to conclude their ability to reason will be affected and they will be in fact a lot dumber than us.
Thus, luring people into valleys and using them as zombie bait is an overkill.
Still, nuking China and Japan is ALWAYS justified, zombies or no zombies. I would add to the “to nuke” list Russia, India, Korea, Asia, Africa and Latin America. Canada would also do, in case there is nothing left to nuke in the above mentioned places, since they are stupid French speakers.
May 5th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Thats sweet I live in Oregon Too! But I would have to head up to Mount Bachelor and camp out in the resort. (right after hitting up my local wallmart for guns an supplies of course)
Right After that I would hit up the Corvette store cuz this apocalypse is happenen in style. (also pick up fancy suits and bitches[not dogs]) o.k. maybe dogs too……
Camp out the apocalypse and then hit up tillamook. cuz I probably havent had any ice cream in a while.(also grab a tourbus)
After grabbing a zombcow for substanence(at tillamook) I would head out to the coast and take some nets fo’ fishin and grab a fuckin awesome ass boat. (and possibly more bitches, I cannot stress how important bitches are) also have a speargun cuz spearguns are cool.
then sum mo’ bitches(do zombitches count as bitches?)
Note to self- Zombjobs probably really hurt the dick. And having a zombdick is worse than aids.
also a question: if a zombie bites another zombie does that make a human?
Answer: Fuck yeah.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:49 am
one word: microbes.
Culture a metric f-ck ton of bacteria and spray the county using crop dusters, wait for the G to decompose.
May 4th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Also, http://www.twitter.com/T_Sila there, you may harass me on twitter, especially if you have some sort of urgent zombie crisis and just cannot handle it.
To the rabies people, you’re not alone. I guess it would result in the behavioural effects, yes. However, it doesn’t explain all of the zombie like symptoms that I gave, because I wanted a virus that would result in as close to a zombie as I could get, so it’s completely fictional. Plus, I don’t know a damn thing about rabies, beyond the basic, it’s spread by bites and the symptoms are irrational thinking and foaming at the mouth. If I’m not mistaken, the idea of zombies originates from our ancestors who saw people with rabies and mistook them for the walking dead trying to kill them. I figure, if zombies are to come from anywhere, it will be from an evolved/manipulated form of rabies.
May 4th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
I am Tanya, there is too much to clarify. Some basics that seem to have people really tripped up:
Lysogenic and lytic cycles: if the virus enters the lysogenic cycle, its DNA is integrated into the host cell’s DNA, that cell divides exponentially with said viral DNA. Once a certain point is reached all cells lyse with the virus babies and the virus is unleashed, havoc of the body ensues. If the virus is contained in the brain and these cells lyse, it would kill the host. Or in the case of malaria, result in large fevers, sickness, etc.
The Zombie Survival Guide: I saw a lot of comments saying “I read the Zombie Survival Guide, the last plan has it all wrong”, you clearly did not READ my plan, and that is understandable since it’s long, but please don’t comment in regards to it if you didn’t read it. I mean, I even said in the plan that I was discrediting the guide, come on, stay with me here. I do agree with the other commenters though, it’s a very good book. I just wanted to point out some things
The intelligence thing, that got to a lot of people. Really it did. This was first posted on Roberts site, http://www.ifightrobots.com in which I had to defend that one a lot there too. Can I point out that it was a suggestion that I kind of ran with? I went with the idea that the virus could have the capability of turning the neuronal cell DNA back on allowing it to replicate… because that would be the ultimate goal of a lysogenic cycle and it was the only way I could make a virus work for this model of zombie. Yes, the commenters are right, that would not necessarily make the zombie smarter, given that intelligence stems from neuronal pathways, not the number of neurons you have. So technically, this would only increase the number of neurons propagating a signal along already established pathways, making them more sensitive. If you want, scratch the “more intelligent” thing, make them the same level of intelligence, but change their behaviour to a rabid state and heighten their senses. It’s all a matter of perception
Anyways, I’ll read through the other 400+ comments when it isn’t 1:30am and I’ll get to responding to those too. I apologize for being very late in the game at defending my position, but it was final exam season, so I should be excused from that one.
May 3rd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
[...] prepared are you for the zombiepocalypse? As prepared as these guys? I’m a fan of the “It’s Even Fireproof Because Fire Needs Oxygen to Thrive” Stratagem [...]
April 30th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I loved Max Brooks: Zombie Survival Guide, also liked the sequel to it World War Z
April 30th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Ok first off, grab a truck. Then raid a Casco and then the Home Depo next door. Grab all the guns i can from my house. Drive all the way back to my high school, I live in Port Orchard, WA. Concrete all the first floor doors and windos, besides the onle leading to the football feild, lock the fence around the Football field and track. Park my truck and any other vehicles i come across in the school garage. Lock myself in with some friends and start farming operations in the football field right away. Bar the second story windows
April 30th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
fly to the moon.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
i have to say alot of you people look like your going to get shafted hardcore if zombies over run the world. i feel reasonably safe because i happen to be only 20min from one of the largest military bases in north america.
army=tank
tank+me=annihilation of anything that looks even remotly alive
April 29th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Well, your plan would be awesome if the viruses could control hosts body. Viruses are simple beings, they can take control over the host cell and make it their new virus factory by changing the DNA inside it. After the host cell becomes full with viruses, it exploes and the new viruses spread. On their way they can mutate, but no way that they could become something as smart as taking control of our bodies and improving it. In best case, they spread through air and take over the body, then explode it to spread again. Thats all.
omgwoot?
April 29th, 2009 at 5:57 am
I live in Alabama…..Fuck Zombies. We would just start a new hunting season.
April 28th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Step 1: Procure a high-caliber rifle, some ammo, a crowbar, a machete and a backpack full of food. Also find somebody else who you’d trust with a gun.
Step 2: Head to the most defensible area available. Big lighthouses are perfect, but churches in rural areas could be used if you live inland. Seal all secondary entrances and make barricades and trenches if possible. If you’re near the coast, do NOT connect trenches or moats to the ocean, you’ll risk spreading the infection overseas.
Step 3: Scavenge the area for food and ammo. If you can find a radio, call for help every few days. Also look for solar panels and gasoline for generators.
This will keep you safe until you run out of food. Seriously.
April 28th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
First of all, round up friends, steal a large vehicle, and add some general zombie killing mods, and collect tires (cause the last thing we need is a flat)
Then, whenever I feel my group and I are in good shape to run, make drive to nearest Costco. Costco provides enormous amounts of food, entertainment, and extra supplies such as the odd blunt object. The building is usually constructed of thick concrete with only one large entrance. All other entrance/exits would be easy to block off, making this an amazing fortress.
When they start to die of starvation, fill truck and drive to the country, best case scenario, one with a lake near by. (Note to self, let friends drink that water first in case it carries infection)
April 28th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
my plan…
-Surround my house with mannequins
-watch the confused zombies try to eat them
-laugh.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Couple thoughts here:
1) One thing to remember about the human body is that it is capable of a lot of strong and fast things. For example, a person can run at around 40 mph. He just can’t do it for very long, because of exhaustion and muscle pain. But if these things are not considerations - and being a zombie would remove these things - then it is conceivable that your car better be moving pretty damn fast to escape.
2) It would seem that being in a very hot or very cold place would be effective, whether it is the “scientific” zombie or the mystical kind. Even if said zombie is under the “science doesn’t apply” variety, it still has oxygen and waer in it, which science does apply to. Hence, environmental extremes would be effective to damage them sufficiently to shoot them in the brain.
April 27th, 2009 at 7:34 am
A lot of the posts talk about barricading yourself inside for months and years. I am not completely certain this is neccessary. Mainly because of the ‘rule of threes’. Three minutes without air you die, three days without water you die, three weeks without food you die.
I figure everyone will agree that Zombies are shown to have only one interest and thats eating. This will be their downfall. Without water the organs begin to fail, this includes the brain which is 70% water. And its been established that Zombies need their brains to continue functioning. So quite possibly within a week many of the Zombies will die from dehydration, and organ failure.
So quite possibly you’d only need to shore up for about a week or two before its safe.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:17 am
mr.title@y, you make me sad. Why would you do that sir? Why????
April 26th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
mr.title@y, that’s just fucking depressing.
April 26th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Well, after reading some of these posts and the fact that this will most never happen, i would want a gun like the gravity gun from half life 2 except, instead of picking things up and being able to throw them, it would immediately change the temperature of whatever i was aiming at to -247 C (freezing point of oxygen) therefore snap-freezing the zombies body causing them to shatter. Checkmate .
April 26th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Live in Canada. nuff said.
April 26th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Zurvival.
Your $5,000,000 survivalist mansion with massive brick walls, generator, and 10 year food supply will be overrun by by the dead when greedy, desperate humans blow a hole in your wall and try to raid your sanctuary.
Your attempt to kill the 40 zombies outside your wall with guns will result in 400 more being attracted to the sound.
Your 80 lbs of canned food are gonna get unappetizing real quick when your trying to carry it while running from 1,000 stiffs.
Your 10,000 rounds of ammunition are going to result in 10,000 dead (for real) zombies encircled around your base, bringing rot, flies, disease, and unbreathable air. Their decay will poison the earth around your base. The stench will make you vomit every 2 hours. Soon another 10,000 will take their place, these will climb over their dead breatheren like a staircase and land in your front yard.
The rural town you head to for safety will be bordered by the corpses of the other thousands of refugees who had the same idea. The local sheriff will authorize all intruders killed, so as to reduce the attention to the undead, and preserve their limited supplies. The isolated, small time farmers will not accept you with open arms like Steve Guttenberg from, “The Day After.” They will shoot, rape, rob and fart in your general direction. As you head away from the city to a secluded mid west town, the dead will follow.
Your escape by any road will be halted by roadblocks both active and abbandonned, deserted cars, fallen trees, broken glass, and booby traps laid by scavengers. Gas stations will be dry, or without sufficient power to work the pumps, or will be manned by local militias or gangs, who will demand some form of payment to use their supplies.
Everyone will run to walmart for supplies. Those things will follow. Your car will get stuck in the parking lot with 500 others trying to desperately get in, not allowing anyone to get out. The employees will have already taken all the good stuff.
Internet connections will be severed by the gov’t to reduce the likelyhood of the people organising on their own. Rescue stations for civilians will be set up far away from whereever vital military and political personnel are being brought to for safety. Once the ‘important’ people are safe, all military units will be called to protect the gov’t safe houses, abandonning the civilian rescue stations.
Your german shepard/putbull/great mastiff will bark near their presence, warning you, but also warning them as well. If it’s not well trained, abandon it.
Your skyrise/penthouse apt. fully loaded with years of food wil become a death trap when a fire on the first floor breaks out. All oily rags, poorly stored flamable liquids, and propane tanks will become time bombs in the presence of the clumsy and curious undead. Random power surges and even lightning will cause electrical fires.
Millions will head to cold climates. Soon the food will run out. people will turn on each other. Hundreds of thousands will die of cold related disease and either turn to a zombie, or rot into the ground and air. Those who have already established fortified residences in these cold areas will probly be heavily armed, and won’t be looking for roomates.
Bright flashlights will attract as many as a gunshot. Use as subtle a light as possible, and point it downwards.
If your on a small island, you better hope those things can’t swim or walk under water. The smaller the island, the less places you have to run.
Nuclear weapons will create as many new walking corses as it will kill present ones. Nuclear winter, fallout, poisoned water and food supplies will kil loff any nearby survivors, making more of them. Those zombies in the outer blast areas will be unaffected by the radiation or extreme heat. Many will lose most of their skin, but still retain enough muscle to be a threat. Better hope the radiation doesnt mutate them.
Without running water, they’ll be no functioning bathrooms. Your not gonna waste what water you have on flushing a turd. Your gonna have to find somewhere to put it all, and without being seen.
You may engineer your home to be zombie proof, but when your neighboors house catches fire, so will yours.
Your best options: portability, speed, silence, scavenging, and small numbers. Stay in the urban and suburban areas. You’ll be needing bottled water above all else, and there wont be an unlimited supply of this in rural communities. Prepackaged food will need to be continuosly collected. No one will be growing food anymore. Should a safehold in an urban environment become comprimised, you don’t have to travel too far to find another. No place place will provide you with safety for long. Lack of water, roving gangs/bandits, and especially fires will put you into a near nomadic lifestyle. There will be more of them in high population areas, but these areas will also provide more cover. When 1,000 zombies are chasing you through a field, you don’t have alot of choices as to where to go. In a developed area, once you round a corner they all lose sight of you. Did you go inside, climb a structure, turn left, hide, or go under a manhole? They won’t know. Large numbers of the undead will protect you from the local gangs, and roving militias. Both will be looking to rob you of food, guns and women.
You will need to carry limited, light weight supplies. You wont have room for many guns, and they won’t be very effective anyway. Body armor will slow you down unless your in peak physical cardio vascular shape. Maintaining large muscle mass will not be practicle as your food will be limited. Stay lean, and focus on endurance and speed. Shadow boxing as opposed to push ups are an exercise of choice. Pull ups as well, since when cornered your only option will probly be to climb. An axe or hammer will take to much room to use, stick with short baseball bats and spears/knives. When in the open, move at night. When inside, moving from house to house, or apt. to apt. you’ll need to utilise the daylight. Distraction causing items such as flare guns, firecrackers, noisy toys, or radio controlled cars will be put to use more then guns, cars, or grenades. Cut your hair short, wear sneakers, and forget about hording alcohol. Stay in contact with other groups, but don’t reveal your location. Leave notes behind for those who come after you and mention loosely where you are headed. If your group collects people along the way and becomes too large, split in 2 and remain in contact via notes, smoke signals, radio, or color coded signals/grafitti. Wait as long as possible before trying to make contact with any gov’t. Keep the existance of any women in your group a secret. Avoid extended travel by car. Cover your tracks. Don’t even bother with gun stores, pharmacies, liquor stores or hardware stores. They’re all death traps. Sleep on your stomach so you don’t snore. Keep track of your caloric and vitamin intake. Find a cute chic so you don’t go crazy.
April 25th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I want a castle in the middle of a large clearing of trees, first of all. The inner courtyard is where I and any survivors with me will tend our produce, with an attachment somewhere for livestock, probably goats, they eat just about anything, and can be used for dairy.
Working inward from the open “warning distance”, ring the perimiter with barbed wire, to tangle and slow the zombies down. Inside that, a mine field. Closer still, tiger-pit-style traps filled with sharp sticks.
Even closer, a flaming barricade. Fire is a so-so defense, since any zombies that don’t drop due to immolation are now walking torches. But, I have a contingency for this, as well. This should be closer to the castle, because a smaller ring will be easier to maintain, even though keeping it going (in the event of a breach) will be problematic.
Finally, before the castle, a giant moat filled with pirahnas. If it moves, and falls in the water, pirahnas WILL eat it, I have no doubts about this. This is the hardest part to work out, but I’m not really grounding this in reality, anyway. It IS the zombie apocalypse, afterall.
At the castle, We’ll have the general defences, battlements with guns, hot oil (why not?), and such. If all these things fail me, I will have a fully-fueled helicopter, and its key. Ideally, I will be with a group small enough for this to carry with some degree of fuel-efficiency, and a small group is easier to support with limited space for crops/livestock.
April 25th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
1. Join the zombies.
2. Impress other zombies with a variety of skills and charisma.
3. Be elected King Zombie.
4. Lead legion of zombies to victory over humans.
5. Live in zombie mansion surrounded by scantily clad zombie women serving zombie beer.
April 25th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I live in the middle of nowhere, one word, sharksuit. melee weapon of the gods
April 25th, 2009 at 7:18 am
My house is on a river, which connects to my farm. I will gather up my most useful guns, ammo, and my machete. Then I will either take a boat to my farm with my dogs and family, dogs for emergency food, or take my Land Rover Defender which is very large a rugged. I will continue to pick off any zombies I can at my farm and live off the land, due to the crops and boutiful wildlife.
April 25th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Some really great plans (?)
I live in Las Vegas. So, I’m fucked too. However, we have had zombies for years (see my myspace page there are zombies in las vegas). So I have actually given this lots of thought.
1. Gather husband and cat and race to the Stratosphere. (Huge free standing tower, largest on west coast with elegant revolving restaurant and lots of scary rides on top. Google it.)
2. Drag a view video poker machines into elevator.
3. Get all food from buffet, and raid all surrounding pawn shops for guns, dvds. Take all close circuit stuff too.
4. Go up to tower and turn off elevators, block stairways.
5. Tell husband to stop screaming.
6. Set up the most kick ass survilence system ever. I will be able to watch all entrances, plus up and down the strip.
7. OK, so that’s as far as I’ve gotten. But, it’s pretty good right??
April 24th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Also what about weed?? Im just giving up if I dont have weed,,,,,,no point
April 24th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Man there is no end as to how much I have thought about this (I have kinemortophobia) but basically getting your troopz together and heading for the hills seems like the best idea to me.
But think about it. All these plans are based on the assumption that you will be in your house, office or school when Z-day comes. But what if the first sign of an outbreak you get is when your strolling out of a public toilet in the middle of town, you come up the stairs and you are face to (half eaten) face with one of the undead?? What happens then?
I heard somewhere that their brains (cause theyre all fucked up) react badly to high frequency noise levels and this can knock them out so maybe carrying a rape alarm could stall them for long enough for you to get out of there but this may not be the case, i dont know.
Also I live in Scotland so were fucked for the guns thing, the best we have is pointy sticks and reasoning.
I have to say though that the medium sized supermarket would be the next best thing to the highlands cause, yes they have bay windows but these all have shutters over them (in Scotland anyway) and would have most of the supplies you need. I would choose one that is locked and break into it though cause that means there is probably no infected in it.
Anyhoo Im off to pray this never happens
Peace!
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
Ok the person who thought of smart zombies with a hive mind. That’s just stupid. It’s just someone who’s a biology major or took a class trying to sound smarter than everyone here. It’s a hypothetical/fictitious virus that doesn’t follow conventional science as we know it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:43 am
I’d think the first thing would be to not call other people douches because you don’t agree with their plans…
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Sadly, tanya just described the zombie apocalypse as nothing more than a less lethal form of rabies; this doesn’t mean they’ll be hyper-intelligent. More likely, as with rabies, they would become feral due to viral control (virii aren’t the intelligent cognitive beings she described). in such a case, putting them down from a well-fortified position would be like mowing down an army of wild dogs (except slower, and much larger targets), and require more of the above methods than those she put forth (which fail when one remembers that this is the zombie Apocalypse, NOT just an outbreak; the number of survivors in one place necessary to combat this scenario would be incredible.)
Also, steer clear of walmart; one stop shopping for food and guns is nice, but everyone’s going to try going there, people will try holing up in there, and if you think they’ll think twice before shooting you in the head, you’re wrong. even if you hole up in there, someone’ll drive through a wall and destroy your base to get your gear. hit a dicks and a small time grocery store or two and keep moving.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Fortuitously, I am in the process of building a new home in the forests near the Olympic Peninsula. All of these practical suggestions for surviving the zombie holocaust and spurred me to design an impregnable zombie-proof shelter-home-fortress. I’ll have gun turrets allowing for cross fires. I will stockpile top quality slingshots and scores of thousands of ball bearings, for when the ammunition and gunpowder run out. I’ll have a designated quarantine area for supposedly “uncontaminated” survivors who find their way to our refuge. We’re not going to survive the initial onslaught only to have some infected refugee turn on us when we’re least expecting it. After a few months we will hold elections and I’ll be chosen to lead whatever survives of the nation. (This is okay, because I’m a native born American, and eligible for election to the presidency.) I will mint rudimentary coins featuring my likeness so that other pockets of survivors will know I am their sovereign as society begins to rebuild itself.
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
[...] Zombies, right now, are really really hot, and it’s hard for a discerning zombie enthusiast to find the exceptional material out there. Even Time magazine is writing about them! Yet, when you won’t be able to buy an RC Zombie any more, and Zombie walks aren’t as cool, and eventually people become as ashamed of them as Hammer Pants, I’ll still be thinking of that sweet, sweet zombie apocalypse. [...]
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I’m going with the grocery store one, because it reminds me of Stephen King’s The Mist. That movie was damn awesome, so I think it’d work. Also, the ones where you feed old people to the zombies is wrong. You’ve gotta feed them the babies so they think they’re eating enough, but they’re really being cheated out of their pudding-filled old people.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
cut off hand, atach chainsaw like in evil dead2, go kill everymotherfucker. if not use the guide
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:03 am
sprinkle salt on the floor, all trad zombies were created by voodoo powders, which can be ended by salt. Its the film folks who made up the virus. Walk salt to know whther you are being persued by a real zombie or an irate film extra. that then join the mormons, so its dead zombies or live mormons…. Knew they’d have the last laugh!
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:00 am
just sprinkle salt around, all this film stuff is misleading real zombies are created by voodoo powderss, salt breaks the cycle.Then you’ll know whether you ae being persued by an irate extra from a horror movie or the real thing…failing that join the mormons, prevoius thread showed how they are already prepared, so its die surrounded by zombies or live surounded by mormons, hmmmm.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Holy s*** tanya!
My plan personally would just be to take my boat and move to an island in one of the various and sundry lakes near where I live, bring all my guns (all 23) as well as my reloading equipment and them proceed to just survive on the island until the whole thing was over. And any zombies on shore that I see can expect a bullet right through their derrenged head.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Ok, I’m with you (tanya) up until when you said that the new neurons would make them more intelligent. if neurons are lysing in the brain this will cause sever probles (as most connections are made in children and the only real area of new cell development in the brain is the olfactory bulb and the hippocampus). What this would tell you, is that over a given time the zombie would learn, but they would cripple themselves by destroying neurons. Most everything else you mentioned I agree with, but just thought you should know that braincells lysing would disrupt almost every system, especially movement.
April 21st, 2009 at 7:33 am
I read the zombie survival guide, the last girlo posted knows crap about zombies. They are NOT smart, fast, or working collectively. They are almost unaware to other zombies, and often bump into other zombies making no attempt to walk around like they would a wall. The blood is coagulated (spelling), and a the fastest “recorded” zombie took one step every 1.5 seconds. They exhibit NO superhuman abillity, NO strength speed or intellegance that was superior to their human form. Zombies are still seemingly powerful, they feel no pain and will bang on a door untill their fist breaks into dust. Zombies look very different from a human, with yellow discolouration in they eyes, and a greyish skin colour. Any zombie was either bitten, or died of the sickness, which logically says they didnt look normal at death. Best weapon to combat zombies is a m4A1 carbine, it shares bullets with a 9mm pistol. Hand to hand weapon being a crowbar, as it can break a skull or pierce the brain. FROZEN ZOMBIES DONT DIE, zombies have been thawed and attacked, they have spent years underwater to eventually re-surface. Read the guide, dont believe that douche
April 21st, 2009 at 2:09 am
If you like zombie flicks, check out “Battle Of The Bone”, a few guys in Belfast made it for pennies (and it shows!) but its got some funny as hell fighting scenes, a heavy metal soundtrack and some good gory shit goin down.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
I guess my contingency plan is it won’t happen.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:44 am
[...] (anders rukt het rechts wat lastig) om je een weg te banen door de zombiehorde, zorg dat je een Zombie Contingency Plan (ZCP) hebt. Een gewaarschuwd mens telt voor twee en je kunt niet snel genoeg beginnen met je voor te [...]
April 20th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Hmmm.
1. Retreat to home. I have stockpile of non-perishable food (about 2 months worth) at home. Also firearms. Since I am a decent cook as well as a competitive shooter (rifle and pistol), these items would come in handy at some point. Also a decent stock of medical supplies (trained as an EMT in the past). I would grab all of this as well as my gas masks, axe, machete (for clearing trail, not zombie), and other tools that I usually use when camping. I would also grab my water bottles (lots) filters, iodine, and other related gear.
2. Gather any survivors I can find, starting with my friends, many of whom share my skill sets. If they are acting like asses, they will get left behind with a knife and a granola bar.
3. Obtain/maintain equipment. I would start practicing my lockpicking skills again, as well as my electronics ( I keep print materials of such at home).
4. Head out for the hills, monitoring my radios the entire time. I would try to find out if anyone is setting up medical/defense stations in the area. I would try to find them. If that did not look to practical, Im pretty sure I would find a nice bit of forest to hole up in. I spend alot of my time hiking/kayaking, I know a few good spots with lots of game and very hare to access.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Oh, crap…I guess I’m going to be zombie bait.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
My Plan:
1:Prepare beforehand.
Don’t wait until it’s too late; stock up on supplies now. Stock up on water; non-perishables, gasoline, blankets, Ham radios, walkie talkies, flashlights, firearms, ammunition, and medical supplies (including gas masks).
2: Get the hell out!
You’ll want to avoid any large cities in the event of a last-ditch protocol ending with a B-52 dropping a nuke on your house. Get out in the country or forest or something. Once at a secure location, organize yourself and your companions into a sort of semi-special-ops squad, shown here.
3. Communications: Have someone who knows morse code and prefferably several languages. They should know how to fix radios and communications equipment.
Weapons: A must have, go-to-guy. This guy stands watch with his suppressed M21 looking down the highway. He maintains a wide variety of weapons, and he knows how to clean and use them.
Computer Whiz/Techie: Someone who can establish an internet connection anywhere he goes, who knows how to get past a computer system, and, if necessary, set up a digital camera defense network around your perimiter.
Thief: Basically just a guy who knows how to pick locks, provided he’s trusted enough to not steal all of your shit.
Leader: The guy in charge
4: Get on a roof.
If immediate help will not be available for some time, get to an isolated spot. If available, get on a boat and sail out to the oil rigs. But not all of us live by the coast. Get on a roof where the only access is by ladder. Once on top, take the ladder off of the side of the building, and bring it up top. At this point, you can set up defenses.
5: Have an escape plan.
In case something goes wrong, which probably will happen, you should always have an idea of how to fix it. Or, you could just run the fuck away. For instance, you and your buds are on a roof, when a massive horde of undead mindfucks bursts through your perimiter. Some could say try to fight it out, but what if you run out of ammunition? Have a vehicle closeby, with the keys in the ignition. This is just an example, but that could work.
6: If travel is required, stay silent and move in a convoy.
No shouting. No unneccessary gunshots. Stay together, and stay in your vehicle at all times. Keep gas available inside the car. No music. Make it as hard as possible for a zombie to find you.
7: Wait it out until help arrives.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
instead of going to a grocery store, try a bulk store, like BJ’s or Sam’s Club. i can’t be sure of them all, but the one’s nearest me have very few windows, more room than a Wal-Mart, and tons of food and entertainment (like tv’s and game consoles).
April 19th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Ah, the zombie apocalypse . . . my friends and I have talked about this quite a bit. Not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing, but there it is.
As to my own plan:
1) Immediately gather the useful friends and family. Luckily, this includes most of my friends, who have extensive experience with guns and bladed weapons. The party would probably end up being less than 20 people for survival reasons. It would also hopefully include one friend’s brother-in-law, who is an honest-to-God ninja (black belt in ninjitsu), weapons expert, and all-around badass.
2) Supplies. Food supplies would have to be gathered by my friends who live in the city, because the only grocery store within viable range of me is tiny and probably not helpful. I can trust them to do this, however, because they are practical and have planned for the zombie apocalypse as well. Water is also highly important, but in case of emergency, water cleansing supplies should also be gathered.
3) This is where my plan becomes awesomely viable. I. Live. In. Montana. Fuck yes. What this means:
…a) Survivalist equipment is just around the corner, no matter where you are. Water purifiers, portable cookstoves, climbing equipment, various portable and strong shelters, camouflage, heavy-duty winter clothing . . . anything you care to name. You want to disappear into the wilderness, you can do so with ease.
…b) GUNS. There are more guns in Montana than people. A lot more, actually. Montana’s gun laws require NO permits for anything except carrying a concealed weapon, and even that only inside city limits. Therefore, absolutely everyone has a gun of some kind, and most have several. And then there are the gun nuts. We’re talking storerooms containing literally hundreds of guns, all belonging to one family. I happen to be good friends with one of these people, who has been big game hunting in Africa and thus has the sort of weapons most survivalists only dream about.
…c) Sparse population. Only about a million people in all of Montana, and it’s the 4th largest state in the union geographically. Even better, a good portion of that population is concentrated in a few (not huge, but decent-sized) cities. Then there is Eastern Montana, full of absolutely nothing.
…d) I have access to the following:
……i) Friends who, to a man, have undergone at least basic survivalist training.
……ii) Friends who all know how to use and happen to own a gun.
……iii) Friends trained in wilderness firefighting (this will become important later).
……iv) Extensive highway systems stretching across the state.
…e) Given the insanity of a good number of the people who live in Montana and their penchant for weaponry, the survival rate will likely be higher here than in other places. Less zombies to contend with.
4) Now that we’ve gone over the significant advantages my location gives me, let’s assume I utilize each of them. Survival equipment and a fuckton of guns and bladed weapons are procured. Friends with useful skills (all of them! Yay!) are gathered at my house, given that I live 15 minutes’ drive outside the nearest town, in a rural area with low population density and way more crazy gun nuts who are likely to survive at least a week blasting zombies with their extensive weaponry while shouting “Get off my goddamned yard!”
5) My home is not, however, completely secure. Still too many people around and too little defensible land. Thus, after a brief inventory and strategy session, we would utilize the highways and take off for North-Eastern Montana. There is a gas station literally 1/4 mile from my house, which we would thoroughly pillage in order to have enough start-up fuel in case of not being able to stop later.
6) Assuming we get to North-Eastern Montana (a logical assumption, given the good condition of the highways and Montanans’ ability to drive at ridiculous speeds for long periods of time), we hole up in one of those towns with a population of 20 or so people, but several bars and gas stations.
7) This begins what I like to call the “Fire and Ice” stage of my plan. First, tactical advantages imparted by our new location:
…a) It’s flat. You can see things coming from miles away.
…b) Population density is almost nil. We’re talking the part of Montana that borders North Dakota and Saskatchewan. THERE ARE NO PEOPLE.
…c) Those people who do manage to exist are crazy as fuck, with ridiculous amounts of weapons and stored food due to the harsh conditions. Note: Liberal leanings of the survivors must be concealed AT ALL COSTS.
…a) Fall/Winter: It’s North-East Montana. Sit in the ridiculously well-insulated houses and let the fuckers freeze to death (or at least be buried under massive amounts of snow.
…b) Spring: A little trickier . . . there will be some waiting and sniping involved. Hopefully the massive geographical distance between us and any major population centers will keep us safe for a while. But even if they make it near us, I know people who just got three feet of snow, so again, let ‘em freeze.
…c) Summer: Utilize those of my friends trained in wilderness firefighting (a goodly number) to fortify the town, then subvert all the years of Smokey the Bear’s teaching and torch the surrounding area. As evinced by the yearly wildfires touched off by single lightning strikes, in the absence of organized firefighting efforts, the flames should consume most of Montana, Wyoming, and North Dakota and burn for months. The zombies should be sufficiently crispified. By the time others can make it from outside the burn zone, it will be winter again. Mwahaha.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:32 am
My contingency plan?
I live in the hills & valleys of southern Spain (on top of a hill to be exact, with high walls covering much of the large property). There are some areas that don’t have the required 10+ ft of wall, which will be my first task once I have suspicion that a zombie outbreak is being covered up somewhere by the media/government.
Second, I’ll need to steal a boat (possibly swim out to one of the boats anchored off the coastline and murder the crew), or just rent one.. Go to Morocco, and load the boat with guns & ammo. Get back to Spain.
Several mountain bikes along with an emergency vehicle parked in the garage with enough fuel to power a diesel generator for an extended period of time if an emergency arises. For common purposes, electric generator powered by a stationary bike in the cellar (also providing exercise).
Library with everything needed to survive on the bottom floor.
Garrison of up to 10 people. All with varied skills and crosstrained over time in case an expert is lost.
Two shifts of 12 hours. 5 people per shift. Raiders will be the biggest problem for the first few years to a heavily defended compound, as we would be the prime staging area for future raids.
No cattle. No animals. Keep noise to a minimum. Radio, communication equipment on the top floor.
Build a greenhouse. Plant vegetables, fruit, etc.
Hunker down. Wait out as long as possible before sending small excursions to look for survivors, other compounds. Study their habits before making contact. Establish trade routes, and rebuild.
April 19th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Michael Glashower,
A few oversights on your part:
1. Using the logic of the ZSG, animals have the natural instinct to run from zombies and would never, under any circumstance, try to eat their dead, decaying flesh (which is essentially what a zombie is made out of). The sharks will be busy running from the Zombies just like the humans.
2. Armor is useless unless you have a full body armor, which would likely enhance the affects of fatigue. Full plate armor? Your basically the zombies equal of canned food. Want armor? Use chain mail. REAL chain mail. Not the replicas you would find in medieval stores.
3. Impale? You need to destroy the brain. Nothing else will do short of decapitation.
4. Once a moan escapes a zombies mouth, a gunshot, or a fire is ignited, every zombie within earshot, eyesight, or smell will be drawn to you.
The odds are not 9:1. The zombies could outnumber you anywhere from 2:1 to hundreds to 1 depending on different factors.. including going fucking nuts and killing everything in sight trying to attract more zombies.
April 19th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Natnie’s Zombie Plan
Chances are it would originate in Sydney, and would thusly take a couple of days to reach my area. Nevertheless, the first I hear of the zombies, I would grab pocket knife, matches and car keys. I would get into my car and drive straight to my weekend workplace, which happens to be the largest supermarket in the area. If it is still trading, then great. If not, then I know all the doors and so would be able to get in via the front, which is glass (smash!), and if I encountered a zombie could then potentially make it out through another exit. Supplies would be the name of the game. Canned food and vitamins, along with as much water as I could get, however boiling tap water would be sufficient to kill a zombie virus, I hope. So, once I’ve stocked the car up (inclusive of fuel - enough for an extra tank) I would go home again where I would get my family. They’d need to sit on one another, with how full I envision the car, but what can ya do? In the meantime my family will have cobbled together some basics such as blankets, warm clothing and first aid supplies.
Australia has very few guns, so wits would be the way to survive a zombie apocalypse. One thing we have is a huge, vast amount of nothing in which to disappear. We have rainforests, deserts, remote islands, and bush. Lots and lots of bush populated by nothing but trees and wildlife. It wouldn’t be impossible to set up camp near a creek or river where we can boil some water and try and catch fish (did I mention the fishing supplies I’d have?). There would be a decent amount of hiking involved in order to get to such a remote environment, but once there we could wait it out for as long as the supplies last.
So basically, my plan would be to drive south-west. That will be the quickest way to take me to a deserted part of the state. Then, pull off the road where I can and conceal the car amongst the trees. This point would be around 2-10km east of a river (depicted in my street directory), and me and my family would walk west to the river, and set up camp, making sure to be in higher ground in the case of flooding.
I don’t know how long it would be before we’d feel safe to go back, but obviously once the supplies ran out we’d need to go to a town and see what we could loot. We could spend our time wittling boomerangs and try to hunt kangaroos like the aborigines. It’d take a little practice, but…
Should a zombie actually find us in the middle of nowhere, then they deserve to eat us.
April 19th, 2009 at 6:52 am
“ever hear of scurvy?”
If you had a decent stock of vitamins then it wouldn’t be a problem. Scurvy comes from Vitamin C deficiency.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Tanya! It’s not just our poisonous stuff! We have vast empty deserts, too.
April 19th, 2009 at 2:57 am
Well I live in Australia, Tasmania in fact. So there are only 400 000 people here, many of which would get into boats and flee, zombies, being those fun loving blood covered creatures, that try to swim afterwards would get eaten by the incredible number of man eating sharks, goodbye to any that try following those humans. So assuming 50, 000 escape that way (which is plausible with the number of boats here) that leaves you with 350 000. Of those - in the mayhem of killing and panic that follows initial infection large numbers of people and zombies will be killed, as Tasmanians are tough so and so’s meaning they will take zombies down with them.
Enter new stats - 180 000 zombies and 20 000 human survivors - by this time the human survivors (and in Tasmania most of these are sulf sufficient anyways) would be holding out in various locations with masses of dead wandering around looking for them. These zombies outnumber us 9 to 1.
That is the overall situation. Here is my plan.
Most zombies are supposably created when infection is passed on through bites or scratches (some by virus - in which case a medical mask or scuba tank is a possibility) Why does no one think of wearing armour????? There is a medieval store I would raid, gather my armour, my hand to hand weaponry (a warhammer is best as it does not stick in the soon to be re-dead) or a spear as one can hide behind bars and impale the stupid b*stards as they approach while at a safe distance. The most you contend with is that stupid moaning before you end their miserable existance.
So you are now equipped with armour - so those zombies merely break their teeth and go have a good cry and moan about it while you bash their heads in with a warhammer.
Of course you also raid places for canned and preservable food, lots of crops in tasmania too so can forage. Plus there is always Skippy and his friends to hunt.
So you are well supplied, bunkered in your house and have fighting equipment - as mentioned there is only a nine to one ratio of zombie to human. Enter the fighting - from the convenience of a narrow doorway you can kill over and above nine zombies without breaking a sweat and then you pile the SOBs up and burn them (again wearing masks) as the undead wander by to find you, you treat them the same and add them to the fire, this is a viable alternative to the wood heating in the state anyways, a bit smelly but hey, it is an apocalypse.
So you can slowly join up with fellow survivors, get them some good gear, go zombie hunting until the remaining affected died of decomposition while still vainly trying to eat you.
Within a year the state is back to being zombie free with the new police force carrying medieval AND modern weaponry. YEAH! Woot! crisis over.
April 19th, 2009 at 2:48 am
My best bet would have to be on the last plan. It is scientific, it is completely and absolutely logical, and it is very feasible given the absolutely logical circumstances of the entire thing. Sure, zombies may not be fun anymore, but… be dead or be bored of zombies? It’s your choice.
April 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
[...] vacation, at school, etc. Stocking your home is not a bad idea, but no guarantee for success. Cracked Magazine has a great article on 11 Plans for Success. Are you [...]
April 18th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Well, this kind of plans always get the best part. Considering all strategies have some kind of flaw, and since all the military bases, hospitals (along with their doctors, etc) and government buildings will probably be promptly overtaken, and also counting the people who can fit in a bunker cannot be able to retake the fucking world, the most plausible answer to a zombie outbreak would be to nuke the fucking hell out of the world and start over again. And since we do not have access to nuclear shelters and at best the radiation would kill us before the zombies, a good plan would be simply blowing our brains out and at least spare the suffering
April 18th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I haven’t read all the strategies or comments, which just proves that I’ll be dead within 5 minutes. I was disappointed that my strategy of saying, “fuck it, I’m not afraid to die, just take me,” was not included. Had I known you were doing a call for plans, I would’ve submitted my plan. I am sure it would’ve been listed and that the comments would be:
Pros: realistic as fuck.
Cons: none. it’s a zombie fucking apocalypse. why go on living?
April 18th, 2009 at 8:41 am
You never know where you’ll be when catastrophe hits. I carry a pocket utility knife and a lighter on me at all times. It’s light and easy to carry these things, and they have many practical uses aside from some infantile fantasy of a zombie apocalypse.
A knife and a lighter are inexpensive, easy to conceal, legal to have, and useful to own. A utility knife that has multiple functional tools on it, like pliers, can opener, and screwdriver is highly recommended. I also recommend a nice leather jacket. It’ll keep you warm and fairly protected from minor scratches and can even ward off some bites. I recommend a sturdy pair of comfortable boots. You’re gonna be doing a lot of walking and running. A nice pair of blue jeans is a good idea too as it will protect your legs if you’re running through the woods, or from any light leg damage that occurs from exposed legs. Also, jeans will help keep you warm as well.
Most people don’t like wearing leather jackets, boots and blue jeans year round, but hey, its survival not a fashion statement (even though, thats the way I dress….hmmmm…..).
All I know is, if I was a zombie and had a choice between some 180 lb fighting condition 25 year old male in a leather jacket ready to give me one hell of a fight, or some fat pasty computer nerd wearing a t-shirt and flip flops….that’s like choosing between a burnt bagel or a plate full of pan cakes covered in syrup. And you know those pancakes are all you can eat.
A plan to survive is useless, you need to start surviving every day, zombies or no — stay calm, think things through, act quickly, survive. Most people’s contingency plans involve concepts of “home”. Wherever you live, if something as ridiculous and insane as a zombie apocalypse were to actually occur, you’d have to understand that your entire life and your conceptions of stability and safety will be entirely compromised. Chaos and insanity will ensue in your personal life and in society. The walls of reality will come crashing down — and when that happens, people feel fear, and when people are afraid, they become irrational and dangerous.
Friends turn on friends. Brother against brother. This has happened before in real life (think of natural disaster looters and scavengers).
It’s not the zombies you have to fear, its the panickers, the people with stock piled weapons and supplies, the murderers — you have to fear the HUMANS. When facing a zombie, whether fast or slow, you know what THEY want. They want to eat you, no if’s ands or buts. Humans are much more deceptive, and any one of them could turn on you at any second if it meant they would profit from it.
People often associate situations like this with “survival of the fittest”, but thats because the term has become grossly mis understood and inaccurately used. Survival of the fittest really means “survival for those who best adapt”. This doesn’t include murdering and betraying your friends or loved ones, but most people do that shit when panicked anyway. How many of you admitted that you would hang out with “fat people” and people that “run slower” than you? It just shows your true colors. You really are a piece of shit.
People who make plans based upon what they think would happen during a Zombie outbreak are forming their plans on the assumption they will (1) Be in a certain area when it occurs (2) It will occur quickly and unexpectedly (3) They have a safe place with supplies to ensure survival
People say “loot wal mart” or the “grocery” store, but it’s exactly that mind set that will get you killed — you are attempting to return to the very places you used to frequent before things went to hell. Most people don’t need a virus — they already are zombies.
April 18th, 2009 at 7:13 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/whats-your-zombie-contingency-plan-11-practical-strategies/ [...]
April 18th, 2009 at 6:11 am
MY ZOMBIE CONTINGENCY PLAN:
As pre-arranged a number of survivors will be joining me and my family in our home after the hype has finished, the survivors being at least 2 other families of about 3-4 people. My own family is 8 people. So the plan is to take care of everybody.
First few days:
Barricade the front windows of my house as they are the only weakness of the place as it’s not covered by the high fence that surrounds the rest of the house.
I can use my parents bed for one window and two couches for the other, but I think first I’ll close the curtains, and defiantly lock the front door.
There is a nice choke point between the front of the house and the rest of the house so I will form a back up barricade at this point, to fall back to incase they come through the front of the house at some point.
I’ll draw all the curtains and stay inside in the back rooms with my family for the first few days while the hype is occurring.
Check food stores, use gas stoves from the shed for hot food when the gas and power runs out and candles for light, but not at night.
Fill every sink, the bath tub and some of the pots and pans with water.
All of us sleep in the same room with one person guarding.
Put the pets in the back room furtherest from the undead – we don’t want any squeaking, barking or meowing to let the zombies know we are there and no we are not going to kill them.
Locate all usable weapons such as cricket bats, kitchen knives, 2 by 4s and my katana.
Wastes in the garden.
Decrease the amount of noise as much as possible.
Wear tight clothing just in case there is a break in to help decrease the chances of a zombie getting a good grip on you. Everybody in the house has short hair already, even the girls.
After a week:
Eradicate any zombies that have taken residence in my backyard, barricade side gate and cover it with a black sheet to prevent them seeing through the cracks of the panels – the rest of the fence is steel and then there’s a garage with a metal door which is impenetrable.
Check food situation, and decide if more supplies are needed.
If supplies are needed, some of us will go the others will defend and be lookouts, well armed or as well armed as possible and raid the next door neighbour’s house – nobody stays behind.
Check water supply – ponds in the backyard and the water tank can be used if necessary.
Start an exercise program to stay fit or to ensure some form of activity – ½ hour each day preferably, ensure that people practice with their weapons and with a secondary weapon.
Pull out the collection of books and games to read and play to ensure we avoid getting bored, keep entertained.
Begin making a suitable area for a garden, ready for use when the food begins to decrease. Plan for vegetables that will grow in the poorest soil.
When the gas for the gas stoves has run out swap to camper stoves that only need kindling then move onto open fire cooking but only at night.
If any survivors are found in the raids then they are welcome to join us, but if they endanger my family in anyway, they will have to go.
After the 2nd week:
Go on a raid to collect more food from the neighbouring houses and go to the pet and garden store down the road to acquire some seeds and seedlings for the garden.
Check food and water levels.
Remain entertained and skilled in the use of the chosen weapon.
After an on-going amount of infestation of the undead, the resources of the home may have been used up and it would be wise to move to a new area.
First though 2 people will have to go out and find a new location:
Must have at least one water source (non-polluted), wood for cooking, be defendable, able to hold a number of people, area for a garden to be established, has an escape route, must be reachable in one day, etc.
Pack appropriate and necessary equipment into back packs:
Equipment = food, water in containers, rope, weapons, vegetables and seeds from the garden, touches and/or candles, matches, sleeping gear, spare clothes, spare shoes, first aid kit, books on gardening/farming/hunting/construction/engineering, games and toys for entertainment.
The pets will have to stay behind, so prepare a good amount of food and water for them to use until you can return later on to give them more.
Using the bicycles in the backyard, transport everyone to the new area, preferably in 2 small groups rather then 1 large group as it is more stealthily.
Set up camp before dark, and avoid making any sound for the first night, with at least three people on look out and sleep in one area.
Begin residence in the new area, until we have to move to another area.
Long term plan:
Head out into the country and journey to my Aunt’s farm, which has a supply of food (being she’s a sheep farmer) and dams on her property.
She lives 2 hours out of Perth so about 4 traveling by bike or foot.
The land surrounding her farm is cleared so we have good visibility and most of it is fenced with waist high barbed wire which should help protect us.
She also has chickens which can give us eggs, and horses for transport into town for supplies if necessary.
When we get there, we should assess food and water supplies, find an escape route and begin hiding, until we can be rescued.
With traveling to my Aunt’s farm we will be moving as a group, as quickly and quietly as possible and will be monitoring the amount of zombie activity in the area.
My aunt’s farm also provides us with new weapons such as rifles and harvesting trucks (which can clear out a group of zombies easily I think).
We can live on the farm for some time without serious problems, unless of course we get over run.
: ) that’s my plan!
April 18th, 2009 at 3:49 am
you guys are freaking psycho! but i love the plans, mine’s not the greatest but i’ve got my group of survivors organised. let me know if any of you ever need somebody with a battle ready katana and i’ll take a some heads off for you, cos i am not staying holed up in one spot for 5 years waiting for the undead to die (again) without going out to kill some.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
well, I have well made bladed weapons… and i mean for those who don’t collect katanas or anything, just pound some railroad spikes into a baseball bat wrapped in duct tape and yer good for the hittin… guns are good shotguns especially. though if you are in a place they can’t get you in… takin a .308 hunting rifle and just sittin back pickin em off is good too… though a .22 might be more effective due to that caliber’s well known “brain scrambling” effect being able to pierce the skull once, but not to go through the other side round tumbles and essencially mulches yer brains like a blender in your head. but that’s only the killing bits. if you have alotta friends with guns who are also prepared for this eventuality it helps. also being able to pilot large container ships and or millitary vessels is a plus (I know some people)… also living on an island is a plus provided it either didn’t start there or spread there before anyone noticed it or before it caused enough chaos to shut it off from the rest of the world… yeah
April 17th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Nave: Thinking something is impossible implies that you at least have some inkling of what that something is supposed to be. A person from three hundred years ago would have no basis of comparison regarding touch-screens, and therefore no concept of what you were talking about. You would be treated with a blank look and would, probably, be dismissed as a madman.
That concept is just a prevalent in today’s society. Pointing at all the complex beauties of this world and shouting ‘God did it!’ is just as arrogant and limiting as someone claiming that because they have ‘Science!’ on their side, they know everything there is to know about the universe. The thing is, we’re all infants crawling in the dark; bumbling bags of snot that have barely begun to suspect the possibilities. For now, at least, the truth about God, and life, and the very nature of the universe is doubtless something far stranger and more wondrous than we can understand.
Oh, uh… yeah. Zombies. I live in Alaska, so I’ll just board the windows, grab one of the three guns they give you when you become a resident, open up a can of beer and tin of salmon, and wait for the zombies to freeze to death.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I think some people miss a very important point in here: there are slow zombies, and fast zombies. How come? The most easy and comprehensive answer relies in that wonderful human mechanism that is the Rigor Mortis. Maybe they would not run like frantic assholes like in 28 days later, but they would still be able to keep a good pace. Based in that supposition, my plan would be:
1: Since I live near an armory and hunting store, the first logical step would be get near there, and buy a handgun, and probably a rifle. If the store is open and the clerk is resisting to sell a weapon to a handsome 21-year-old man, just call the emergency lines (which will be down, probably) or pick up a radio, and make him realize the seriousness of the situation. He will probably cooperate. If not, well, I will rely on broomsticks (maybe sharpened broomsticks, though) for my survival.
2: Once armored up, the second logical step would be stock up with food. The supermarkets would not be a clever idea, though, since there would be probably riots, human avalanches and the only-two-exits design of these places could make difficult to get out of there once the fast-moving zombies arrive, so I will rely on the food stored in my house, which I suppose is more than enough. Pick up the gear, and get out of there.
3: I live in Andorra, a small country between Spain and France, and the whole thing is as big as a small-medium city, with relatively small populations connected by roads. Car transportation and phone would be down for sure, so I would head for my workplace (a hotel) see if my friend’s there, and walk to the upper villages (the fucking country is uphill) via small trekking paved tracks otherwise known as “rec”s, one on the front, the other on the back, checking for possible zombies.
4: get to the upper villages avoiding roads and get (if he’s still alive) my other bud. Unlikely, since he lives practically with no food or common sense stored so I may skip this point.
5: Get to one of the top isolated villages, raid a supply store, and get to a mountain refuge, usually located on plains, in the middle of the mountain, marked on maps, helicopter accessible, with lots of firewood and maybe with an electric generator (on some of them, at least). Since in Andorra is cold even in summer on the middle of the mountains, the temperature would help the fuckers to stiff up, making them easy to spot. And the refuges have steel bolted doors, barred windows and let’s face it, it’s difficult to have more than 5 of them around in the middle of a mountain
6: Since these places are near a lake or forest, try to hunt or fish for food, and lumberjack for firewood. Raid occasionally the nearest village for gas, supplies and lights, and try to make a watchtower on top of the hut. And of course, hope for the winter to slow down the zombies. When supplies are off on the nearest village, consider moving to another one, moving the wrecked cars off the road, looking for survivors and maybe a chick (important point)
There is a B-plan, consisting in barricading the hotel and trying to survive there, but considering it’s in the middle of the largest village, with some crowded areas (shopping malls, essentially, and the village square plus a Pizza Hut) that will probably be swarming with zombies once the outbreak starts. Plus, it’s a 5-story building, with 15 rooms on each, kitchen, and bar, and two glass doors, which would be easy to break. Still, it’s better than being eaten alive, so…
And remember, Brockway: Zombie outbreak = packed roads. Forget the truck thing
April 17th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
It’s great you’re backing up God. Right on, brother.
However, zombies exist in the Bible. Hell, (no pun intended) Jesus was a zombie.
“Their people will become like walking corpses, thier flesh rotting away. Their eyes will shrivel in their sockets, and their tongues will decay in their mouths. On that day they will be terrified, stricken by the Lord with great panic. They will fight against each other in hand-to-hand combat” Zechariah 14:12
In any case, half of you go back to commenting on Youtube. This is satire. Enjoy it for what it is. God damn.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
You’re right, the last one did suck the fun out of the game a bit. But this was properly awesome, even though all anyone would want to do when the zombie apocolypse comes is stay in bed and pull the sheets over your head.
Hey, works for boogey men and rapists.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
NAVE: I have a simple request of you: Prove any of what you have said. Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You can’t, because “GOD!!!!!!!!” as you would most likely put it (due to your obsession with caps lock and exclamation points) is not a being of logic, but of faith.
Simply put, shut the fuck up. People like you make me wish for the end of the world.
April 17th, 2009 at 11:27 am
For the last one:
How do plants go up and stay up without falling down?
GOD
How does gravity exist?
GOD
Where do atoms come from?
GOD
How does evolution occur without mutations?
GOD
SO DONT GIVE ME YOUR SCIENTIFIC BULLSHIT ASSHOLE!
I MEAN WE CREATED TOUCHSCREEN AND DISCOVERED ELECTRICITY WHICH EVERYONE THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE 300 YEARS AGO!!!!!!
SO IF ELECTRICITY AND TOUCHSCREEN WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE AND WE HAVE IT RIGHT NOW!, HOW DOES ZOMBIE CELLS NOT FIT IN THIS CATEGORY OF POSSIBILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nice plan though………….X1
April 17th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Any one who knows who three dog is will know how to survive this…..We raid an enclave outpost and loot a case of DeathClaw mind control thingy’s then we rendezvous at the death claw sanctuary…the rest should be obvious.
Or, if you are going to insist that this all be rooted strictly in reality…..and follow the preceding advice - semi accurately reproduced from a carnival freak show stupid levels eighth grade science memories – then….
Every freaking documentary I have ever seen on zombies makes it very clear that anyone that gets close enough to zombies, even the slow moving kind, to “melee weapon” them gets bitten eventually. The only one that ever lives is the hot chick with a GUN, aren’t you all even paying attention?
So first, try to be a hot chick, who knows guns, when the whole thing follows from there.
The argument for guns is iron clad, a lot like the argument for religion. If you can not figure how to work guns you will be a zombie. Therefore it is obvious that by not being a zombie you are designed competent to use guns for zombie killing and by logical extension they are then obviously the chosen zombie killing weapon. Seriously, centuries of this kind of circular logic and you still can’t follow it?
All this is clearly laid out in the apocrypha…but the Catholic’s had most of that stuff burned centuries ago so you are probably screwed by now – I mean other than by priests this time.
To continue with the grounded practical stuff, you need to treat the whole thing like a reverse business plan. You have to figure out how to NOT attract customers and to be a disservice to those you do stumble across….you know the ones who brainlessly shamble in without knowing any better. Banks, that’s it, use a bank business plan! No need to continually reinvent the wheel. They even have hording and treating other humans indifferently sections. I mean, you will probably have to adapt some stuff as you go. I mean we already know that derivatives attract mindless zombies so skip that part.
Have we established from authoritative sources yet if the zombie virus can infect animals? Holly crap! If that is how it works the guy with the guard dog idea is so screwed. This just gets scarier and scarier…..the thought of zombie rabbits is giving me the hebijeebees.
Collect food. Farming will not work as the zombies will find you when you are weeding. I’ve seen a thousand movies where the housewife was killed while weeding and never even saw it coming. And cans are too heavy, carry non biodegradable food, you know, like pop tarts, or what ever that white crap is that vegetarians eat, I’m pretty sure bacteria won’t eat that crap either.
As to the rest of the details, if the deathclaw thing doesn’t look feasible…..don’t share your plan “B” with the rest of the pre zombie morons! There will only be so many pop tarts and bullets available and sharing the hot chick is not as much fun as those movies make it look.
Eblis.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Two Words: Bigfoot Suit. You never see any zombies chasing animals. Or perhaps if I could get a friend to help, we could get into one of those horse costumes…
April 17th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Why not go down in a blaze of glory? Sure your going to kill 10-20 depending on how good you are are at killing slow ass zombies sure you might turn in to one but they will lose 20 zombies and gain 1. Good plan? In the north of england its not that populated theres enough food for the zombies to eat (chavs) and enough time for me to hop the fence in the country.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site http://Tallconnect.com ,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.
i am wrong.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:55 am
My plan is simple - when i get my own house, i’m going to have an underground “bomb shelter” built. It’s going to be stocked full of nonperishable food items, blankets, water, flashlights, batteries etc. I’ll have a radio and televison. If, somehow, the zombie assholes get down under my house and past my steel-reinforced door, i will shoot myself in the head and die.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:10 am
speaking from experience, a postal vehicle is the very last thing you’ll ever, ever want to drive in case of any kind of emergency. You’d be better off in a golf cart.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:50 am
I live in england.
my plan involves getting useful people AND WEAPONS i can gather holed up in asda’s(to you americans,that’d be something like wal-mart) until things have died down a bit then we’d take as much food and as many supplies as possible and head for the isle of skye( an island off the scottish mainland) and have fun repopulating it…
or failing that, build a bomb,attract the z’s using my freshly slaughtered dog as bait and then take as many of the motherfuckers with me to hell as i can…KABLAMMMMMO!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
My zombie contingency plan? A bullet to the brain.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I live in the south US on the east coast which is dotted with jillions of barrier islands. There is one nearby known as Monkey Island, because a crazy, rich plantation owner decided he would set a couple of rhesus monkeys lose on this island. Now there is a population of 3500 odd monkeys. I wouldn’t recommend colonizing Monkey Island (monkeys, almost as bad as zombies,) its just an example to show that some of these currently uninhabited islands can support a make-shift civilization.
You’d need to keep some fire arms to patrol your manageable sized border just in case a zombie washed up on some drift wood (I’m assuming zombies aren’t intelligent/coordinated enough to get an engine started/steer a boat.) You’d also need to make ballistic “runs to the mainland”, but that’d probably be fun.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Viruses can’t alter the way you think; they can alter some of your cognitive inputs and responses, and thus alter your behaviour, but your personality remains intact. Also, neurons are incapable of reproducing, so zombies would not be smarter than they were while human, thus before infection.
A virus does have the capacity to alter the DNA of it’s host, but the result of that in a bacterium is lysis; the host cell dies, and in many cases, a different strain of the same bacterium is created (transduction).
In more complicated (multicellular) organisms, a virus that alters the DNA of it’s host results in cancer (worst case scenario).
99.4% of the human population suddenly becoming homodically aggressive is a fucken scary thought, but with altered cognotive inputs and responses, their co-ordination and intelligence is dubious, at best. Thus, each zombie would be easier to kill than a pre infection human.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Hang out with slow people. There is one basic fact of life I am counting on. The slow and weak get eaten. Old or young doesn’t matter to a zombie. It’s size that matters. One big fat guy will feed a lot of Zombies while you get away. Stay close to big fat guys (or gals) and choose an escape route with a lot of obstacles.
Keep the basics with you at all times and remain mobile. Make a lot of very fat slow friends and keep them close. Promise them anything but keep them close. When the day comes you only have to outrun them, not the zombies.
I keep a gun, drugs and water with me constantly as well as Ding Dongs to attract fat people, since you never know when the Zombies are going to appear. I am vigilent and advise others to do the same.
When the zombies show up, text all of your creditors and tell them the safest place to go is where you think the highest concentration of zombies is. You may as well get some benefit other than exercise from the ordeal.
Never ever go to the Super Dome to avoid Zombies thinking the government will protect you. Really really a bad idea.
BTW They have so many Post Office vehicles because they are constantly breaking down. You may want to rethink the transportation thing. The only thing I have never seen broken down on the side of the road is a tow truck. Heavy duty,well maintained and very versatile. Terrible gas mileage, so some put extra fuel tanks on them. Scope one out. Only get an armoured car if the Zombies are shooting at you and since I’ve never seen a zombie capable of aiming a gun avoid anything, like an armoured car, that is useless off-road.
Chicken/egg where is that first zombie going to come from? Figure that out and move immediately away from the area. Early planning is essential.
Every zombie I have ever seen was rambling around in a random pattern until focusing in for a kill. If we could get state and federal legislators to form a smorgusborg (sp) line away from us it would serve multiple beneficial functions. It is always nice to know which way the zombies are going and the legislators would be pretty much the same before and after the attacks except they would make better decisions afterwards.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
My survival plan is relatively simple given my location. Living in the Midwest gives a variety of option. Spring & Summer it can get hot enough to dehydrate the zombies, and in Winter they’ll freeze. Plus the terrain is mainly flat so good visability. And let’s face it the state I live in a 20 minute drive in any direction from the capitol and your in rural area. 10-20 extra minutes and you’ve reached farmland. So densly populated areas isn’t an issue. Plus if its anything like the movies then the entire US Midwest will likely be spared. (Honestly can you even name 5 Horror movies that took place in the Midwest?) So we’d just close the state border and let NY, LA, Texas, and Las Vegas deal with the problem. (After all thats where this stuff always seems to occur.)
April 16th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
My plan would be to continue going to work, shopping for dinner, and hanging out with friends, because zombies are not real.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I would put on a bullet proof helmet and get bitten by a zombie and then come after you and you wouldn’t be able to stop me because the only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head
April 16th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
just read the zombie survival guide.
stay in your basement for 3 days untill the mass salughter is over, tkae as much food and supplies as you can fit in a vechcal, preferribly an armoured car like banks use. or beleive it or not, a dirt bike if youre on your own. get a machete and some sort of gun, a m1 garand or a silenced pistol is best. then drive, literally to the ass end of the earth, the part with no people, no roads, and no chance to be found. stay there for 15 years. by then everyone else will be eaten, and the zombie corpses will of mostly rotted away, and the rag tag renegade mad max style gangs will of fallen apart. never again go into a city, or any town will more than a few hundred residences for atleast 20 years after Z-day
i myself live just outside vancouver, so all i have to do is drive north for 2 days untill i reach the canadian sheild. sucks to be anyone who lives in a city, you have almsot no chance of survival.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Should the zombies be caused by some sort of virus, we are screwed. The zombie would decompose, and feed some plants. Zombie plants. Then wildlife eats the zombie plants. Next thing you know everything’s a zombie and because of peer pressure you will eventually cave and join them.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Dear Tanya.
Although I respect your integrity, I believe you have some ill-knowledge of biology.
So, let’s stick with virus, and not bacteria, salts, etc.
Viruses are pseudoliving, which is correct. This does not mean they cannot die. in fact, many things that kill humans kill viruses. You see, protein can do this beautiful thing called denature. This is why men’s testes hang out, because the proteins within will denature if kept at body temperature, rather than just under.
There’s no evidence saying that they’d be any smarter. You stated yourself: viruses don’t give a shit about the host, or anything. All they care about is infecting, lysing and spreading on. Considering this (and considering the fact that the more intelligent a creature becomes the more sentient (self-aware) it will become and thusly the organism is more likely to try to reject the virus). Looking at Toxoplasmosis, most natural mind control devices make the victim less intelligent, usually due to brain deterioration in order to make itself a brain.
I like your quarantine idea, but here’s a problem: how do you know that this is happening?
They’re not going to block off world affairs without some heavy evidence, and by then it’s too late.
Hate to say it, Zombies aren’t exactly a threat in my opinion. Zombies are ridiculous.
You know what’s just as scary? A bunch of angry people… oh wait, did I mean a mob?
I’ve seen mobs taken down by high pressure water. Please, how embarrassing.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
You would have to include some sort of industry to support all the killing that would need to happen. I might be inclined to carry a re- loader kit. Also, have your team all carry the same weapon. I choose something that will shoot a 5.56×45mm cartridge. Lots of good semi autos, including several easy to purchase civilian brands, shoot this cartridge. I’d want to conserve my ammo and have someone catching my brass and watching my ass. You’d be smart to roll in teams of 7 to 15, your gonna need some backs if your to remain mobile. It would be nice if government military remains viable. Claymores? Also, the military could build a large reinforced bunker over an old landfill. Use the methane gas to power the fort and to fuel the automated flamethrower defenses. It might be a good idea to save some prostitutes. Only prostitutes.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
For the win:
1) My Significant Other is a brilliant cook and gardener;
2) My neighbour is a hunter who makes his own bullets;
3) The girlfriend is a Canadian Ranger and hunter;
4) I’m an electrician and locksmith. Supplies on the other side of that door? Need a quick and easy alarm system set up so you can sleep? Want solar panels set up for refrigerating food so it lasts through the year? Abandoned car you need started? No problem.
Keeping the dogs is going to be handy: think Tanya’s “real zombies” won’t smell different? Bet you they will…
Added bonus: the world getting repopulated by Canadians and Finns. Socialism WILL dominate the globe, suckers!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Dude, everyone is so happy to keep the old people around for zombie fodder, but what do old people DO? They DIE. What happens when grandma has a heart attack and suddenly the old bird is chewing on your ankle, hmm?
Keep children at hand, people! Younger the better. That way, when you need to distract some of the zombies, just toss a baby over your shoulder. They’ll think it’s hors d’oeuvres hour at the flesh bar! They’ll be so excited fighting over who gets the tasty baby(I hear they’re tasty, and that people could just “eat them right up”, though I cannot confirm if this is true) that they’ll just forget all about you!
Also, if your thighs rub together, nix the leather pants. They look awesome, sure, but chafing takes away the running effeciency.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
One problem with the idea of raiding the gun shop during a zombie apocalypse. If there’s one shop, one building in the entire town, where the people inside are not likely to be killed by zombies, it’s going to be the place that’s full to the brim with weapons. If you want a gun, you’re going to have to pay for it. And if the guy who runs the shop doesn’t want to share, well, looks like you need a new plan.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Hmm interesting, you all assume that zombies would be effected by frostbite as if pain or cold would stop them. Plus boat plans are out for two reasons 1- Zombies aren’t stopped by water, they can’t drown and 2 - you can’t survive off of the sea forever. ever hear of scurvy? you have to make landfall sooner or later and coastal areas usually have high concentrations of humans which now mean high populations of zombies.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Canada wins at zombie apocalype. Uber-cold up north and Saskatchewan. Yay.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Wait, if the virus replicated neurons, wouldn’t it work on other cells too? The brain swelling from all the new growth would swell against the inside of the skull. So they wouldn’t be super-smart. They’d be spazing out, falling over, and all sorts of wierd neurological reactons.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
i dont understand why the fuck he says alaskan mountains.
i mean seriously, you live in the U.S, so baisically you plan on hiking across canada to get to alaska, even though there are perfectly fine mountains right there in canada? just makes no sense.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I have a simple 3 part plan:
Step one: Shit pants
Step two: cry like a little girl (if there’s time, shit my pants again)
Step 3: Find a less painful way to die then being eaten alive and execute it upon myself.
I hope I have time to masturbate one last time with all the shitting and crying I’ll be doing!
April 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I started preparing a few months ago:
http://plan-zed.blogspot.com/2009/01/zed.html
April 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
The last one was by far the best. Obviously the only person who actually thought about what would happen during a zombie apocalypse.
Tanya, when the zombies hit, feel free to join my group. We could use someone like you. The rest of you can fuck off. Good luck with those old people.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Excuse me, I meant “if you have HER (not your) email or phone number…”
April 16th, 2009 at 11:30 am
So, we’re all agreed? Brockway, we demand you amend the article to include an epilogue condemning Tanya as the uppity freshman idiot that she is. Also, if you have your email address or phone number, please include that, too. Lots of us hate her and I fear she will never fully appreciate this fact lest we ensure she is alerted directly.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:46 am
First off, chainsaws are a terrible idea. It’s pretty much gambling with death from the moment the zombies hear you to the moment the gas tank runs out. Second, I suggest investing in handheld weapons (Swords, knives, sledgehammers, et cetera) over guns because as V so plainly put it, “What you have are bullets and the hope that when your guns are empty, I’m no longer standing…” Mind you, guns are nice, but as soon as the zombies get within biting range, martial artists will have the advantage over militants. Also, if the martial artists happen to be hundred year old KI masters then they could pretty much “Hadoken” their way out of any situation.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:58 am
i have an advantage being in the south.
First, procure a weapon. This isn’t too hard since there are usually at least two loaded firearms in my car.
Second, swing by the munitions factory several minutes from my apartment.
Third, grab the girlfriend and head to my uncles isolated, 90% self-sufficient farm. It’s all backroads and i could probably hijack a tanker truck of gasoline for longevity.
Fourth, after the rest of my trigger happy family arrives, shoot anyone that comes within a mile of the place.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Once all the basic procedures have been carried out…
I say build portable makeshift flamethrowers, bring an entire truckstopworth of petrol, and find a high security prison. Systematically torch everything that moves inside. Either they’re a zombie or a killer - ‘high’ security, remember. Don’t want to go torching a bunch of tax evaders now.
Bring everything you’d need for a self reliant community. The eating area (mess hall? Forgive me, I’m not aquainted with prison terminology :P) would be great for your farmland, a nice open area. With prisons of course, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. I guess you’d have to knock up some thermite and blow open the locks, but once you’re in, you’ve just got the one entrance, which you can barricade with all the heavy-duty shit a prison has.
The cells would make perfect sleeping quarters and quarantine areas, not to mention a little zombie experimentation if you get that far down the line (”poke it, does that work!? Damn…poke it again!”)
Of course all this would be much much easier if there’s just one warden left alive in there who knows how to work the place. Though his keys would be a reasonable substitute.
That’s all I can add right now :]
April 16th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Zombies can’t be fast, or dextrous, or have any properly coordinated movement of any kind. Becuase if we are talking about the dead zombies, where you die and then rise three days later to feast on human flesh, then the frontal lobe of the brain dies first, this controls all sophisticated, coordinated, precise movements. This means that in only hours, they will be completely unable to do things such as talk, run, climb, properly grip things, (guns, for example) or stand up after you knock one down.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:10 am
You guys should go here!!!! Zombie Plans YourZombiePlan.com
April 16th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Not to sound too existential but there already has been a zombie apocalypse - and they’ve won.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I love the Three Dog reference. He is awesome!
April 16th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com___,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.
i am wrong.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:16 am
We have a Target store in Eugene that looks very defensible. There’s really only the front entrance to worry about.
Oh, and there are no fast zombies. I hate movies with fast zombies. They make a mockery of the whole genre. Real zombies wouldn’t do that.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Reading these comments makes me realized there are a lot of “city folk” that are going to be in over their heads. Get out of the city and do a little hiking, look around. Most everyone you have listed as strategies is terribly difficult to do under extreme stress, if at all.
And seperate outhouses, what are you a prude? I shit in the woods happily.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:20 am
I have my own idea.
Go to a military airbase, take the nukes, and nuke everywhere that your not standing. Sure, the world will probably explode or break in half or some crazy shit like that, but it would be the best way to end the world. Cause com on, zombies could kill everyone and make Earth a very unhappy place.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Whats your Zombie Plan?
yourzombieplan.com
April 16th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Share your Zombie Plan!
April 16th, 2009 at 6:54 am
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new addictive flash game!
April 16th, 2009 at 6:52 am
LOL I love how everyone assumes they will be a survivor.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:43 am
So the first person who hears the news sends out a text to alert the other people in my group. Ryan and Kevin go to a smaller gun store less likely to be overrun by people with the same idea. Joe and Joe take their trucks over to the supermarket to load up on food and drink. Dave and Bill immediately go to the Catholic school where we work and start to fortify the first floor and all of the entrances and clear the building to make sure their are no zombies already in there. Joey and I are in charge of taking the big truck the school has and picking up our girl friends.
Joe, VJ and Vinnie are in charge of stealing some trucks. Preferably a snapple or coke delivery truck and my freind Chris has keys to a UPS truck. These will be backed up to the harder to defend entrances to the school to better fortify them and possibly for getting more supplies or escape in the future. Everyone is in charge of bringing sleeping bags, blankets, and pillows for themselves.
We all get back to the school and finish fortifying everything on the bottom floor. We set ourselves up on the top floor. There are 4 stairwells in the school and we rig two with explosives we will make from your everyday cleaning supplies. There are two full kitchens on the bottom floor and several fridges and feezers. We move the fridges and freezers upstairs in case we loose the bottom floor. One kitchen is connected to a stairwell and is easy to block off from the rest of the bottom floor. We will start a garden and rain collection system on the roof not knowing how long we will be there. The school already is stocked with plenty of food for a few months.
We have back up generators for when the power goes out and will fill all the containers we have with water before we loose the plumbing. We hold up there as long as we can and see how the zombie takeover goes. Based on weather there is a reachable safe point we hear about we will decide what our next move is.
I’m sure i left out stuff we’ve discussed at work but I will spread this link around and my friends my add in. And yes I have many friends named Joe, its not just one guy doing tons of stuff.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:09 am
1. Once the zombie outbreak has started, get a few supplies, like guns, blunt objects, and canned food. Get out of the house (do it quickly, because the zombie crowd will quickly spread) and travel to a friend or relative’s house.
2. Weed out the useless from the useful. Take a few people with you who can fend off zombies, repair things, etc. If you happen to be friends with a pro wrestler, that is an added bonus. I suggest taking 1 to 2 slow people to distract zombies in a pinch. Babies work well, because they are slow, stupid, and they make noise.
3. Steal a boat. By this time, zombies are probably 80% of your town’s population, and your survival chances are slim if you stay there. Stealing the boat will be easy, if you followed Step #2 or if you can do it yourself. Travel to an open area, where there is at least 40 feet of water between you and zombies, but you can still be reached by survivors if need be.
4. Stay alive. It should be fairly easy to do, now that you have your own little island. If the need arises to get supplies, just throw a few babies into the zombie hoard, to deter them long enough to run to the nearest store. If some of the “friends” you brought onto the boat whisper of mutiny, kill them. If anyone of them tries to be a hero, you’re all screwed.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Living in Australia i can tell you, if not the poisonous everything the fact we are one of the driest continents around will help, we can all just go inland with our water bottle for a while =). Also, Canada is apparently quite nice in Summer.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:45 am
The largest problem of a zombie attack would be the hysteria of the masses. People WILL kill if it means they will survive. People WILL try to get into your safe place (presuming it isn’t already inhabited by a zombified you) even if it means tearing down the very things that made it a safe place.
Also, if there are fast-moving zombies (I assume there will be unless hindered by chewing which lead to their demise or rigor mortis has set in [only viable if they are actually dead, if they're still alive a la rabies, etc. that will be a problem]) Don’t kid yourself, unless you’re already in a backwater area or at least out of largely populated areas, you are going to die, plain and simple.
To put it into a simple example. (I hate to use a game as an example but stay with me here) Note how fast the ‘zombies’ [infected] close the distance between you and them in Left 4 Dead. Also, chances are they’re going to knock you off your feet if they get to you with that momentum or at the very least knock you off balance (as long as you’re built like a brick house).
Also, if this is based on adapted rabies, increased aggressiveness, etc. there is no reason that the zombies couldn’t do anything as simple as actually grabbing something. That will go a long way in tearing down fortifications and climbing.
And holy moly I wrote a lot and I didn’t even say my plan. I don’t have one.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:42 am
What strike me as silly as that a couple people have pointed out how difficult it is to use firearms and a lot of common people who don’t have experience with them would end up hurting themselves. I agree. And hey, I don’t have experience with firearms. That’s why I wouldn’t use them; I’d take them if available but I wouldn’t go out of my way and risk my safety for something I’m unsure on using. Another thing is silly is that no one has pointed out that many people have just said: grow food. Do you have any idea how to grow “food”? What’s a shame is that a lot of people think that if presented with a tough scenario they could just wing it and be fine. No, you can’t just throw shit in the ground and have it pop up. And no, I’m not a farmer. I have no idea how to grow “food” either, I’m just saying that the same comment about using firearms is applicable to growing food as well. With that out of the way, my strategy is: (I’m going to jump past the whole, find out it’s a real threat and not Halloween thing)
1. Secure current location. Long distance blunt objects are always helpful (lamp poles if you have standing lamps keep you at a solid distance while offering you the blunt force needed to bash a zombie brain in.) Usually your location will be work, home, school or someone’s home. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to be playing football when the zombie apocalypse begins. And even then, I doubt it’ll just be a hey, zombies are everywhere! There’s probably going to be some kinda prelude.
2. After securing current location, if anyone else is with you, be sure all party members are unharmed. Harmed people are inspected and if believed to be infected, told to leave. If refuse, leave them behind anyway. Gather whatever available supplies at your location into bags, whatever is available. The typical non-perishable food items and survival items.
3. Location secured. Check. Supplies gathered. Check. All of this should take you about ten to twenty minutes, unless you’re a zombie freak and prepared, then it’s about 1 minute to find your “bag”. Find a reliable source of transportation. Your own vehicle is your best option. Times like these are going to be when you really kick yourself for all your empty bottles and trash on floor, prohibiting easy movement and access to your supplies. Tip: keep a clean car if you really worry about zombies. Stepping on a Gatorade bottle while trying to fire your weapon lead to something bad.
4. Everyone and everything in the vehicle? Check. Now ask yourselves, “Where would I go?” I know where I would go. Honestly a lot of people were pro-Walmart, some were against it. A couple people pointed out that they have too many entrances/exits and that grocery stores have large display windows. The grocery store thing is true. But I have a Super-Walmart only ten minutes from my house with only two front entrances and only two rear entrances. Granted, the two front ones are the typical glass sliding doors. Not easy to defend. However, Walmart is the best option because it offers the most items essential to your survival. No, not the Hello Kitty stuff. Unless you’re into that, but in which case you already put that in your survival bag in step 2, but then if you already have it, you shouldn’t be looking for more. Freak.
5. After picking a location and arriving at the location, you’re probably going to notice that you’re first choice was fucking stupid. Why? How many other people do you think are going to go the damn Walmart? A shitload. And there are probably already at least 100 people there. And at least half of them are probably already zombies. So I’m going to give you a better location.
5a. Everyone is going to go to a Walmart/Target/Cosco, some humongous retail store that is going to offer a lot of shit key to their survival. And you know what? A good percentage of the people who are going to go there will be zombies. Anyone going to these places will find them too difficult to secure quickly and maintain a zombie free population from the beginning. So let everyone go there and die. You’re smarter. You’re going to go to the best place in the world. You’re local Pharmacy store. Why? Who the hell would go there first in the case of a zombie apocalypse? Not many people, because it’s small, there isn’t a lot of food and there’s a lot of waste in there.
However, if you ever walk around a CVS/Walgreens or whatnot, you’d notice that there’s actually a decent bit of food in there. Enough to last 3-4 people about two weeks. No, there will not be weapons there for you. It’s the only downside. But you’ll have all the first aid, chemicals and food you will need for a good while. And if you’re lucky, you may have a friend who is efficient with, and owns, a firearm.
The other reason for the pharmacy is because it’s easier to defend than most large stores. Yes, they still usually have the typical glass sliding doors, but they are much smaller and easier to block. 3-4 people could easily take a few vending machines and block the doors pretty successfully. And I don’t know about you, but my CVS does not have display windows. It has a line of windows about twelve feet up the outer walls, but they are no more than a few feet wide and only about two feet tall. That’s just my CVS though, it may not be the same for yours.
6. After your two week period in the pharmacy, you’re going to learn a few things. First, almost everyone in your town who is going to get zombified, already has. Chances are, most of the zombies have moved on. I doubt they’ll perform very detailed “sweeps” of stores and homes and I doubt they’ll leave behind a group to ensure no uprisings occur. Good news, you basically waited out the worst part. And yes, I imagine a dozen or so zombies will attempt to enter the CVS because they will “remember it” as the movies will lead us to believe. Your long blunt objects will be enough to suffice if you simply hold the front door behind the vending machines. The rate at which zombies can enter won’t exceed your ability to smack their heads in with a lamp pole. Tip: invest in batting gloves.
7. After your 1-2 week period is over, basically after no zombies try to come in for at least a day or two, try to spot a new vehicle to procure, or hopefully yours has survived the zombie horde. I mean, would they really break a car for no reason? And odds are, people wouldn’t break the windows because they would hopefully realize the zombies could get in, too.
8. Spotted your old vehicle? Check. Kept your keys? Check. Renew your supplies, empty your pharmacy store of all needed medicines, vitamins, nutrients, etc. Keeping yourself healthy and strong is key. Wait for dawn and move to your vehicle. You probably won’t encounter much resistance. This is where things get tricky and dicey. You’re going to need firearms, paying no regards as to whether or not you can efficiently use them. Most towns have at least one gun store, or at least one within a few town area. I have one about five minutes from my home. Go to whatever gun store you know. You probably won’t see very many zombies, but then again, we don’t really know what they’d do if they can’t keep finding people to eat. Do they just, hang out? Do they move away? Do they…go home? No idea. I would guess that they would somewhat explore to satisfy their hunger. So after they can’t find food in your town (cause they got everyone already) they’ll start to spread outward and you’ll be open to move. Hit the gun store. Bash any zombies you see, probably no more than five or six. Grab as many firearms and as much ammunition as possible and throw it into the car.
9. Next stop. It’s a stupid one. But if you’re really going to learn to survive and recreate the world, hit up a Barnes and Noble. Seriously. Because no zombie is going to go to a bookstore and it could help you to grab some books on farming, technology and hell, firearms operation and repair. Point is, there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about that you use everyday and you’re going to need to recreate some of it.
10. Got your guns, got your food, got your books to learn how to use your guns and make new food. If you know any farmers, go to where they live. If they are alive, make a pact with them that you will help defend his land for shelter and food. If he’s a zombie, kill him and take his land. Secure his home. And I imagine he already has some crops in the works, hell, he’s a farmer, he should. That’s your fallback for the new season. Food runs will be necessary and dangerous, but they are not your first priority. First and foremost, you need to secure your new land.
11. Hardware store. Home Depot, here we come. You’re building a fort. Wide enough so that you can grow your crops and protect your home. The farmer who you are made a pact with or killed will most likely have a flatbed truck. Only the driver in the truck and the other people in the bed of the truck, weapons ready. Get to the Home Depot, again, facing probably little resistance as the zombies won’t be at Home Depot, 2 weeks after taking over the town. You need plenty of wood, steel, hammers, nails, etc. You’re building a big ass wooden fence around your new farmland with steel backing. It’s going to be twelve feet tall. Yes, this is going to take at least a month or two to build with the 3-6 people you still have with you. So in the meantime, you need to secure the house. So your first trip to Home Depot, the day that you take over the house, you need a shit load of 2×4’s to barricade the windows and reinforce the doors. You should still have enough food with whatever is in the home of the farmer. It will probably be about a week before you need to perform your first food run.
12. There will be zombie attacks on your land. Zombies probably will be roaming in random droves each morning. They should be in groups of 3-5. Easy for you to handle with firearms, a farmer and more blunt objects and axes on a farm than you can hold. Keep your survival secret until your fort is complete.
13. Month or so later, when your fence is complete and your home is secured, you’re going to need to build outpost tower just to be able to look out from your land. It’s also going to be a good spot to put a light so you can defend from night raids. Thankfully, Steel > Zombie fingers. The more outpost towers you build, the better. So don’t think you can only build one. But don’t risk your life unnecessarily to get the needed wood.
14. So you have a fort, with a tower and it’s been about 3 months since the start. You have a food supply (farm), adequate antibiotics and medicines, vitamins and supplements from the pharmacy. You have weapons from the gun store, books you have read so you now know how to use, clean and repair said guns. Vegetables and fruits that any farmer would have. And maybe even some livestock too. A couple cows would be incredible to have as a source of liquid. Because hey, that’s the next thing on the list. People just think running water will hang out after the world goes to shit. And what if it doesn’t rain for a week? A month? You can’t just live on bottled water from food runs forever.
But really, that’s about where everything ends. You’ll probably live out your lives on the farm but there’s no hope for successful, clean procreation. Unless you or your friend is a doctor. But that would be really lucky and again, very difficult. There will be other survivors, and your only bet would be to find a way to broadcast yourself over the radio. But going on a “broadcast run” would be pretty dangerous and risky and provide very little benefit. Best bet? Steal some birth control from that pharmacy and pray you have a 1:1 male:female ratio and call partners. Fuck, farm, shoot, sleep and eat to your hearts content. Oh and also, an outhouse would be a wise investment. Preferably one per sex…That may kill the…sex drive of the women.
But now that I’ve given away my plan of hitting the pharmacy first, I’m going to have to come up with a new one in case people go there now. Or maybe I just came up with all this in the hopes that a few less people come to my Walmart. Bwahahaha.
Seriously though. Separate outhouses. That’s just nasty enough as it is.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:39 am
How come everybody decides that running & hiding is the way to go?
I say build a team and take the fight to the monsters! “Get your zombie fadge out of my house!!”
April 16th, 2009 at 4:58 am
If zombies were smarter than us… wouldn’t you want to become a zombie?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Alright, so having a bigger brain (I’m going to use dumbass terms) doesn’t neccisarily mean that they would become bad ass war machines. You still have to learn things before you can put them into action. They would definetly be quicker and more on their game when it comes to freak out situations, but they would stand no chance unless already trained in hunting and war.
If an 11 year old gets three times more intellegent, but becomes obsessed with one goal. He may be crafty but wouldn’t know how to take out a Marine or even someone halfway skilled at shooting or camo. Silly Rabbit.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:21 am
commenting on last one. if zombies were intelligent then they wouldnt walk threw he snow or desert. they’d take a car or a zombie cammel( super human animal) as it would be quicker also they wouldnt just throw themselves at you to be shot.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Heres my plan: get a knife, an axe, a chainsaw, a car, a couple shotguns and dont worry about food and water. use the knife to cut your wrists, or alternately, use the car to carbon monoxide yourself.At any rate, just get dead somehow, then turn into a zombie with 2 shotguns and a chainsaw and a car. you’ll be the king of the zombies.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:16 am
I think its ironic reading the comments. The same people calling guns useless, because most people does’nt know how to use them tend to praise melee weapons and chainsaws. Have you ever used a chainsaw? Its not a very fast way to kill someone, and you have to stand VERY close. And if its something you don’t want to do - its being anywhere NEAR a zombie. Melee weapons are messy, and you’re right in the way of the splatter. Good luck as a zombie.
And using melee weapons are usually quite exhausting…
April 16th, 2009 at 4:00 am
if you go with the idea that zombies were done by nanobots trying to survive like an another article. all you’d have to do is emp the zombies and then all little robots malfunction and zombies go bye bye.
as for transfered by bite, ya go to a inbred town where no one has teeth so if get zombiafied they cant bite you.
and for all zombie apocalypeses get a suit of armor so that ya cant be bit
April 16th, 2009 at 2:07 am
That last one sounds like a gr8 movie idea… try going to hollywood with it… they’re running out of fresh ideas anyway xD
April 16th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Tanya says that zombies would be super-intelligent.
Tanya also talks about the virus “lycing” cells.
Wait a minute…
IT’S A TRAP! SHE’S ONE OF THEM!
Seriously, the effects of the Solanum virus as she envisions it aren’t radically different from the behavior altering pathologies of Dicrocoelium dendriticum, Hymenoepimecis argyraphaga, and (especially) the various species of genus Glyptapanteles. I doubt that the host would remain very intelligent, though.
(Of course, that’s just what we want you to think.)
April 16th, 2009 at 1:45 am
I’m just gonna steal Space Ship One and some cookies and wait it out in orbit.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Nice, man. Now in the case of a zombie apocalypse, Hawaii’s smallest island will be overrun with desperate survivors. I know what I island I’m heading to, but I ain’t talking about it.
As for that last one… if it’s a .6% of people weren’t zombies, then they wouldn’t be survivors, they’d be ‘non-zombie freaks’, and since the zombies are faster, smarter, stronger versions of people intent on making more faster, smarter, stronger people… why are we trying to stop them? Screw my memories and personality, zombify me, baby.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Step 1: Get a bus and “help” old people / the hospital evacuate to a ’safe area’ (aka a town far away). Now build a fence around the area, with locks on the outside of the gates…yes. the out-side (stay tuned for why!)
Step 2: Zombies like darkness, so get a Monty Burns style Sun Blocker and cover the town now filled with the elderly and ill. (take that Shelbyville!) The zombies will love it! Darkness and a high food source!!!
Step 3: once all the zombies are inside the town, and they will be, Lock the gates from the outside, get to some high ground and start shooting the caged zombies until your heart’s content!
Step 4: Chill back at your town miles away from the Zombie Graveyard (can you actually have a Zombie Graveyard?) and let the targets respawn.
Step 5: Repeat Steps 3 through 4 untill solution for Zombies are found / never find a cure and just charge other survivors money to shoot at the Zombies.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:21 am
My zombie contingency plan, said in second person.
*step 1a:
Google “bomb-making for dummies”. The FBI shouldn’t really be all in your face in said Zombie crisis, so it’s all good.
*step1b:
If you’ve got grenades lying around, all the better.
*step 1c:
Throw all you’re furniture down the stairs (chair, table, piano, etc).
*Step 2:
Trick out you’re 5-story apartment building with trip-wires.
*Step 3:
Cover yourself in honey-mustard
*Step 4:
Head to your roof, and wiggle around like a retarded monkey-bear while scream-singing a Miley Cyrus song.
*Step 5:
As the zombies begin to burst down the barricaded apartment building entrance, hop over a few roofs to the next apartment building, and rush to the basement (which used to be a fallout shelter). Witness your very own 4th of July celebration.
*Step 6:
Head to the sewers.
I’ll end here. Telling the rest of my plan to cracked readers would surely jeopardize my relationship with the molemen.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Superman should save us if there was an outbreak. So long as he doesnt land, ever. If he were to turn into a zombie we would be F***** x10000000
April 16th, 2009 at 12:16 am
hahah thumbs up
April 16th, 2009 at 12:04 am
tl;dr - You Are Not Gordon Freeman.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
You need to be prepared in advanced. I have an AR-15, 3 Pistols, and a couple shotguns with a few thousand round to go with them. I live in the city so I have routes of egress planed to a few different sites. I have contacts with a friend that works a a nearby oil refinery (he also has weapons). He will steal a fuel truck or 10 full of diesel fuel. One of my friends sells explosives to tacinite mines - he has lost of explosives. I work in the military so I have knowledge of ammunition depots throughout the states, This ammunition is compatible with my AR-15. With diesel fuel, ammunition, and weapons I will be able to get what any other supplies I need may by either force or barter.
I also live in Minnesota, which hopefully means that the zombies will freeze in the winter.
Note zombie action plans are also applicable with some minor tweaking to other situations ie: Red Dawn event, super virus, government breakdown, government seizing power away from the people, Canada trying to attack, Nuclear War, Mad Max situation.
Most societies throughout history have failed, hopefully it won’t happen in the US — if it does I will bet you will want to be my friend.
And as far as being in shape. If you are a fat ass how will you be able to hike 20-40 miles a day carrying large loads (100lb+) when you fuel runs out. It will not happen. Unless you are currently in a fortified remote location you will become zombie food. Your sci-fi movies are not going to help you out, you need real training and be able to make decisions quickly under life or death circumstances.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
>> drunken hunters make their own ammunition
So do most competition shooters, and a lot of other shooters. Handloads are more accurate than factory loads when made by someone who knows what they’re doing. Not to mention factory ammo is expensive, and keeps getting more so.
Also, ignorant comments about rednecks with guns are just part of the reason why I smile grimly when I see that almost every plan up there has a step marked “get guns”. Do you have any idea how to aim and fire accurately under pressure without damaging yourself with a rifle or limp-wristing a handgun and jamming it? Can you make snap shots? Do you know how to control a firearm in recoil, and bring it back to aiming point again? How quickly can you reload while preserving magazines? And now try it under pressure.
Worse yet, can you actually maintain a firearm? What are you going to do when a firing pin breaks? Extractor snaps? Fouling jams the action? Will you be able to tell you’ve got a squib load lodged in the barrel before you blow your gun (and optionally several body parts) to pieces?
Guns don’t help if you know nothing about them. Your smug dismissal of them and the people who are proficient with them will lead to your demise.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Okay, I have a plan that doesn’t involve fucking over the young, the fat and the elderly.
Stage one: Upon seeing signs of an impending zombie apocalypse, warn everybody that might believe me and inform them of the plan, load my truck with my survival gear, food, a bicycle and numerous weapons and head to the fire department in town. (A reasonably defensible structure.)
Stage 2: Empty the water from our tanker truck and wait for drivers to take the tanker, the brush truck, the ambulance and the engine. (These things are virtually tanks, also the deck gun on the engine would work well for holding back zombies)
Stage 3: Take the rigs to the auto shop in town and armor the vulnerable points (i.e windows and doors) and install brush guards on anything that doesn’t already have one.
Stage 4: Send the tanker to the gas station to appropriate fuel, send the engine to defend the tanker. Send the brush truck to the school to appropriate the 2 buses then repeat stage 3
Stage 5: search for survivors and supplies, every survivor gets a full physical and if they have so much as a paper cut, they get quarantined on one of the buses and put under observation.
Stage 6: Go north to the hood canal bridge and take the barges there. Take said barges and convoy of rigs south to Hoodsport taking any tankers, buses or other useful vehicles along the way. Armored fire trucks in front, tankers behind them, then personal vehicles and finally the buses.
Stage 7: Use pier at Hoodsport to load tankers, buses, 2 engines, people and supplies onto the barges.
Stage 8: Go to the Bangor Naval base and/or the Bremerton ship yard.
Stage 9: Hook up with the Navy or if they’ve jumped ship so to speak, take an aircraft carrier and a sub and find all the navy and ex-navy people you can (the sub is to tow the carrier when it runs out of fuel)
Stage 10: follow the coast north to Alaska, picking up survivors and supplies along the way.
Stage 11: Establish a “safe zone” in the Aleutians and prepare to counter-attack.
Stage 12: Spread the word of the “Safe zone” via radio broadcast, other on-line communications, scouting parties, and “tagging.”
Stage 13: Once sufficient numbers of personnel and supplies are available retake the pacific coast and gradually work eastward
Stage 14: ??!?!?!?!?
Stage 15: Profit!
April 15th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I’m so glad that I’m not the unique interior decorating for your bathroom and tipsonly person who has spent more than 5 minutes thinking about zombie attacks!
April 15th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
My plan would be have as much sex with pretty girls before they turn then blow my brains out with a gun. Who want to be in a world in which the most inteligent conversation with someone would be “aaaahhhhhh……eat yourrrr braaaaiiiinnnnn”. Unless i can team up with Mila Jovovich to kick some undead ass.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I would say a downside to feeding the elderly to the dead is having to spend 24 hours a day around at least one elderly or fat person. (…zing?)
April 15th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Not that I’m any kind of biology expert but the way I learned it is that cells corrupted by a virus serve no purpose other than to corrupt more cells until it is either defeated by natural immunities or messes stuff up enough to be fatal. For what you described to be, as you say it, “plausible” the virus would have to be sentient and also biologically capable of mind control (both of these are just as retardedly impossible as they sound.) There is almost certainly no parasite, virus or otherwise that has any influence over its own spreading outside of the body it already inhabits. While I can’t attest to anything in the guide being wrong having, like the majority of cracked readers, never gone through a zombie apocalypse that really doesn’t matter considering that the virus you described makes no fucking sense. Your little biology lesson at the beginning does not hide that you clearly have no scientiffic basis for the virus
April 15th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I never liked Max Brook’s take on zombies, and his ’survival manual’ depended too heavily on ideas that he declared as fact. With this in mind, I’m disregarding Tanya’s plan on the grounds of being founded on Brook’s close-minded logic.
That, and the fact that it’s two AM and I am not reading through that appallingly undivided block of text.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
My plan is:
Pre-stage.
Be aware. When walking, keep my eyes off the ground. So many people walk around watching the sidewalk. They’re food. While in class, keep an eye out for anyone who looks sick or wounded. If they pass out, leave and begin stage one.
Maintain a bail bag. The bail bag has food, vitamins, water, a machete, rope, lighters, binoculars, first-aid kit, map, compass, and a small pot (for boiling water). Forget guns, they’re loud and ammo is heavy. Practice running with the bag.
Stage one.
At first sign of anything fishy, run to my house. Go to the weight room and grab a barbell. Put a five pound weight on one end, using clamps to keep it near the end. With that skull crusher in tow, gather as much food from the kitchen as I can and lock myself in my room. I’m on the second story with a window that leads to the roof. The transition over to the roof is a little tricky, so I doubt I can be followed. Stay in my room until the door starts knocking, bashing, breaking. Transfer to the roof and use my rope to set up an escape route.
Stage two.
Climb down from the roof and head towards the mountains. Avoid roads. Use the map and compass to head for a small mountain town with a tiny population. I’ve used googlearth to scout ahead, so I know where I’m going. At night, climb a tree to sleep in. Once I reach said town, use binoculars to spy. If everything seems calm, sneak in and replenish supplies. Continue to raid small mountain towns for supplies and continue camping.
Stage three.
Eventually I will find a defensible position, where I will set up a permanent hermit home. Grow food, set up water traps, talk to squirrels. Grow old and die.
Stage four.
Stay dead.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Tanya’s making too many biological assumptions.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Here’s my zombie plan:
1) Make sure the threat is real. I don’t want to go through this whole plan because I forgot it was October 31st
2) Once I am sure the zombie threat is real, wait for a competent leader to take the lead. I am a good leader, but I rarely know what I am doing. Besides, most of the competent leaders I know have access to fireamrs and supplies.
3) Assuming I have a leader, do what he (or she) says. If we have no leader, shoot myself in the head. I might be able to survive on my own, but it would be a major pain in the ass and I would rather not bother.
Max Brooks (some of famous director Mel Brooks) actually wrote 2 books on this. “The Zombie Survival Guide” and “World War Z” Both are funny (dark humor) and informative.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Tanya, wtf? If their human we can kill it. Isn’t that the same as “If it bleeds you can kill it?” I call foul, we’re having a zombie discussion, you can’t use the Predator logic here.
Oh, and everyone knows the zombie apocalypse will occur when Zombie Jesus magically rises from the grave and turns all the other Christians into mindless zombie followers. The key is trying to distinguish whether or not this has happened already….
April 15th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Well…. my Zombie contingency plan is i would flee to the oil fields in Saudi Arabia , and just turn the wells into giant constant flame throwers, since they say there is enough gas/oil in the ground to last us for quite awhile.
The only problem would be the maintenance of the constant flames, and trying to get over there being in Canada. Than i would try and set everything on fire, hopeing it would kill the zombies since i would hope it would kill the zombie invasion.
Plus if you build a base there and have refineries you would have fuel to run vehicles. Than from there you would just wait it out and hope you would be safe. Gas powered electric stations for power.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Folks like Jennifer Bonesteel make me laugh. They think that working out is going to save them, (just run away like Forrest Gump). Unfortunately, the truth is they aren’t usually that bright. So when the the zombie apocalypse breaks out their first response is “what’s going on?” while all those obese (who live off sci-fi/horror films/books) and elderly (who’ve lived through a few wars) go “fuck this” and get the fuck out of dodge. Even if they get away, their lack of body fat and low skillset just means a quick death for them anyway. Truth be told if I was walking down the street with this chick and zombies came around the corner, I’d grab her by her slim and well toned ass and toss her at the fucking zombies. In the time I haven’t wasted “working out” I know how to, hot wire a car, pick locks, identify edible plant from a poisonous ones, make transmiters and receivers from basic electronic parts, fire a gun, make projectiles weapons, make explosives from common items and about a million other things that are probably fairly useless until you need them. I won’t just be shuffling my chubby ass to survival, I’ll own the fucking shit hole that’s left of this world.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
I once held a sword to Max Brooks’ neck. No joke. He asked me to help demonstrate during his presentation at my campus after I introduced him to the crowd. It was awesome.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Hey, I knew a Micheal Bonesteel growing up. Any chance you’re related to a Micheal, Jennifer?
April 15th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
And what’s all this about a zombie virus? Everybody knows the problem is no more room in hell.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
What, no Redeker Plan?
April 15th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
*applauds madhater*
Seriously, Tanya. We’ve all taken biology. Take your long-winded, holier-than-thou lectures on the realism of zombies elsewhere.
Also, word to the wise, it’s easier to seem intelligent and mature when you don’t use words like “anyways.” Next time you try to show up a bunch of people on a comedy website, try not to bastardize the english language in the process.
Nitpicking? Perhaps, but adding that little s annoys me to no end.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
those of you who think you just need to find some firearms and point and shoot your way to safety, there are a few problems. as far as your concerned if you have never used a gun before you will be screwed, there is more to it than just pointing it at the beasties and shooting, trust me, I’ve had years of experience with firearms and this morning I used a pistol-grip shotgun for the first time and it busted my lip.
Many of the guns your redneck friends have are sport and hunting weapons, each round has to be loaded individually into the magazine, and they are not designed to be fired rapidly. This means that after 3-4 shotgun or 5-6 rifle shots you will have to basically turn the gun over or hold it awkwardly while carefully loading each round into the magazine to be sure it doesn’t jam.
If you have a pistol with a clip, you’re a little better off, but after you’ve used the 2-3 clips you have for it (and you will use them quickly because you have no idea what you’re doing), you will be stuck trying to reload rounds into the clips so you can load them into the pistol and keep you brains undigested.
I’m partial to heavy melee weapons, an important supply stop should be a tractor supply type store. Large cast iron rods, heavy pointy implements (axes, shovels, pickaxes), and the holy grail of survivor weapons chainsaws, plus many of them are located in rural areas away from population centers, and usually aren’t very busy, so they are unlikely to be packed with the walking dead
just my 2 cents
April 15th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
why is everybody’s contingency plan exclusive to the united states? evacuate… to Alaska! WTF? There’s an entire country in between? The outbreak can’t cross borders? Canada is immune!!!! yay
April 15th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Jack a boat and sail to a low populated area with essentials (food, hunting gears, guns [if you want], females [or guys], etc. etc.), which preferably has a jungle and plenty of animals to hunt and natural fruit. You can have monthly scouting trips back to the mainland to raid for supplies.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
While Tanya has an interesting thesis, and presents a few good points, I have to disagree with her ending conclusion.
I’m with you that zombies will require most if not all of the bare essentials that humans need. But I’m going to need more hard evidence before you convince me that zombies will develop communication and super intelligence.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Tanya’s theory on the efficiency of the virus in taking complete control of and invigorating our thought processes is completely ridiculous. To assume that the first virus advanced enough to take any degree of control over the human body would be able to accomplish this feat flawlessly overlooks the basic principles of evolution. As the first virus able to take control of our brains it would naturally lack the ability to do so without causing severe damage to our bodies and in the end could only gain partial control of our brains as such a change in our mental function could only be accomplished by forfeiting other facilities of the brain ultimately delivering the traditional uncoordinated, lumbering zombies or fast but stupid zombies at best
April 15th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
as long as they are not “rage virus” Zombies i think it would be no prob
April 15th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
@themadhater, you said it better than I ever could have hoped to. Nice.
My plan includes grabbing a fishing rod and making a bee line for the coast, not wasting any time fighting other survivors for supplies or risking getting eaten. Once at the coast, I’ll hi-jack boat and live at sea. If somehow the zombies find me out there, I think I’ll just subscribe to the “if you can’t beat em, join em” mentality. Brains could be tasty afterall.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Tanya, seriously, eat a dick.
no, no, no, you misheard me. i said eat a dick. if you can’t find a dick, settle for something that will get lodged in throat and lead to asphyxiation (if it gives you a hard on, you can explain how the lack of oxygen shuts down oxidative phosphorylation and hence stops the citric acid/krebs cycle, leading to anaerobic glycolysis and the production of ethanol via allosteric inhibition.)
we get it. you have procured a motherfucking biology text/reference book. congratu-fucking-lations. just because you showed up some people on cracked does not make you smart. if you think it does, maybe you should challenge the blind to sharp shooting. i know as a biology student, you are expected to use bigger words and enjoy an eternal stick up the ass, but proclaiming to be a goddam zombie expert based upon 15 bio credits and reading a book is plain dicktarded. the “you’re no fun” translates to you’re not funny. fail, on both counts of attempted humor and attempted intelligence.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
BEST….. CRACKED…… ARTICLE………….. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 15th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Tanya, seriously, eat a dick.
no, no, no, you misheard me. i said eat a dick. if you can’t find a dick, settle for something that will get lodged in throat and lead to asphyxiation (if it gives you a hard on, you can explain how the lack of oxygen shuts down oxidative phosphorylation and hence stops the citric acid/krebs cycle, leading to anaerobic glycolysis and the production of ethanol via allosteric inhibition.)
we get it. you have procured a motherfucking biology text/reference book. congratu-fucking-lations. just because you showed up some people on cracked does not make you smart. if you think it does, maybe you should challenge the blind to sharp shooting. i know as a biology student, you are expected to use bigger words and enjoy an eternal stick up the ass, but proclaiming to be a goddam zombie expert based upon 15 bio credits and reading a book is plain dicktarded. the “your no fun”
April 15th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
If the virus in the last plan makes you smarter, faster, and stronger, and you can still pass off as a human, why is that a bad thing? It seems we would be better off if we were those zombies.
My fantasy plan is to colonize a cruise ship and purge small islands of zombies setting up settlements until we could rebuild society.
More realistically, I hold out till shit gets too intense and kill myself.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
To tanya’s plan: TL;DR.
I liked the boat plan, but why not just leave it at the boat? I think it’s a safe assumption that zombie cannot swim. But even if they could swim, think this: most of the Earth is covered in water. The ocean’s a fucking barren place when it comes to humans, amirite? If zombies want a food supply, they sure as hell aren’t gonna look in the ocean (unless they like sushi). Plus, I live in California, where the ocean is only an hour’s drive away. My group can rent/steal a houseboat, prepare an onboard garden, and learn to fish.
My only concern? Zombie sharks and whales. o_o
April 15th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
So, Here is my plan well thought out for the most part, I think.
George A. Romero, the God father of zombie laid to rest the idea of fast crack zombies in his film diary of the dead, but I still have a small contingency for that as well.
Step 1 Be prepared.
I have spent the last nearly 8 years working on what I believe to be the best plan ever. Its not a matter of if, but when right right. I have selected 3 rifles and two hand guns. SKS, chrome barrel that you can shoot the shit out of and not worry about it being shot out, or if ammo is corrosive or not. This is my light 20 shot get you from here to there rifle, in a fairly urban or wide open space. The shotgun is a box mag fed SAS-12 not the spas 12 although that shotgun is sweet and makes me hard, but I digress, Shotguns are kick ass for close encounters (remeber Hicks from Aliens) it is semi-auto for faster shooting, but can also be rigged to pump by hand. My final rifle is a Polish M-44 the shortened version of a mosin nagant. Has a very effective firing range, albeit a slow reload time. I have 1911 commander model and a 357 mag.
Now why is that rant about guns so important? Because the ammo is ungodly cheap, or at least it was until gun nuts, far beyond what I am, bought up all the ammo and reloading supplies because a Democrat got into office, but I digress again. Cheap surplus ammo all of these weapons, minus the 357, are used, have been used by militaries around the world, thus the ammo is mass produced and cheap. When I bought my SKS ($78) ammo was $50 for 500 rounds. That made it easy to stock up on the most essential part of the weapons plan having ammo. 12 gauge is the most abundant shotgun in the US. Oh and I am working on buying a Kel-Tec SU-16 that accepts m16 mags so i can just go pick up ammo from, well dead soldier zombies.
I store all of my camping supplies and hunting supplies in plastic bins that can be easily loaded into either one of my Jeeps. I live close to a couple of colleges, so there are buildings and food stores available. I can stave off the Holocaust for probably one to two months in my house, vast quantities of Ramen noodles and a deep freeze with a half a cow and multiple deer. I have smoked deer, beef, and salmon that will last forever. A generator that works on natural gas, or gas, or propane.
I figure the best way to survive would be to wait it out a bit, find survivors, then move into a rec/caffeteria arear at a college with a high balcony and an open quad area then barrier the area off with my new found survivor friends. Were at a college so there is no lack of materials or equiptment, or knowledge so we can learn to do things that are needed.
Once the area is secure, start moving out little by little, until the undead are pacified or blocked out. Then comes the really scarry part: What to do when others who want what you have start coming around and wanting to run your area, town, county, state.
Now that is what the real question should be here.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Glad I’m not in China.
The smell would be the worst part,……. yes I mean the zombies. lol
April 15th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
This is possibly my favorite article I’ve ever read on Cracked. That and the “How Not To Write A Cracked Article”. Robert, you are the man!
April 15th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
My zombie plan
It has taken some time to think up but its going to work out for the best.
I also live in Australia to take that into consideration.
I work in the media so i will know when the break out occurs. I will drive home realy fast and furious, contact my American team who play wow with me, get them all organized. Get on the last flight to over to America before the airports are shutdown. Meet the team at LAX, hotwire a car, barracade it up with a .50 cal ontop. It also happened that there were a bunch of hot models on the plane from Australia so they came with. We find our way to the shuttle launching place that takes those rockets to outer space. Load up the girls in the space rocket, it just happens that while doing this our ratio of guys/chicks fell alot so in the end it will get to 1:4, we then find the launch button and chill in the International Space Station for a couple of years until the infection dies out.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
FUCK YEAH A zombie film I worked on called RISEN was shown in one of the pictures up there. I worked my ass off on that film.
And Cracked using it in a zombie article?
did I say FUCK YEAH
April 15th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Please tell me you weren’t trying to be ironic with the Crash Test Dummies reference.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
If I’m going down in this, I’m going down in horror movie style. I have some friends who have guns (This is Australia, so thats slightly more difficult) and access to plenty of blunt weapons. Also I know where there is an abandoned Scout Camp, pretty much the creepist place I’ve ever been. It has gas and fresh water and atmosphere. All I need.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
[...] read more | digg story Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Do you have a Zombie Survival Plan?Salt Lake City: Beware the coming zombie attackThe Zombie ApocalypseChina-India Naval Duel? Not Quite [...]
April 15th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Ha… I live in rural western nebraska (sparsely populated with rugged terrain including mesas out the wazoo). Zombies don’t pose a threat where there are more cows than people and a strong belief in the 2nd. America, f*** yeah!
April 15th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
My zombie strategy basically involves an underground shelter, sun lamps, generators, plant seeds, as much ammunition as I can gather (I’ve already started) and the hope that zombies are edible.
Hey, it’s them or me. I’m a biter.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Well… I live in Texas. If you believe all the jokes about Texans then we all have guns and have no reservations about execution so we have no problem with killing off even our own family members if they get bitten. The only hard part will be coming up with plans to rescue the rest of you.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I like from reading the sheer number of articles all the large groups who will head out to thier local walmart, costco’s ect. with everyone else who has ever seen a movie, has a friend who has seen a movie, or has “a brilliant idea”. New scenario people, outbreak starts during the day at your local superstore and crazy redneck gunstore owner locks up and shoots anything that moves. I think this is a likely scenario.
Plan A, Bail, guns, store, bail.
leave your house, get some gun……… shot by guntore owner. Hmmm.
Plan B, Bail, store, guns, bail.
leave your house, go to the local costc…. eaten.
Also, read through the comments. Right now there is 245, better half who are americans, who have the same idea as you. First day the most likely thing to happen would be a epidemic outside either a Mall or a gunstore.
Move to Australia now, avoid the apocalypse later.
April 15th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
hillarious
April 15th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
We have zombies in the fucking white house already. Get out your pitchforks while you can still buy them without a loan and let’s put these scumbags down!
April 15th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
*is first wave*
April 15th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
“Walk (briskly)” lmao!
April 15th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I’m going to no man’s land fort in the solent
April 15th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
very horrble movies, sometime i like them but sometime make me sick…
http://scoopea.com/Movies/Whats_Your_Zombie_Contingency_Plan_11_Practical_Strategies
April 15th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
me and my nerdy friends have put some thought into this.
we go get a large pickup truck, and head to the local Costco.
costco is a perfect place (large warehouse filed with food and supplies.no windows…a giant concrete fortress) after we get settled down there we go to the outdoor store (only a block away) and get all the guns and ammo we need along with other things…then we hold out there for as long as possible
April 15th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Ya know what, Tanya? Up yours. I think I’m going to trust a well respected zombie scholar like Max Brooks to some wannabe smarty-pants AP Bio student with fuzzy science and outrageous conjectures. You donkeys want to live? Go get the Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z. Master those and you’ll be set. And Tanya, if I see you during the outbreak, I’m shooting you in the leg and leaving you.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
….all we wanna do is eat your brains….we’re not unreasonable I mean no one’s gonna eat your eyes…
Jonathon Coulton? Anyone? No…? Okay.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I live in Corvallis and just hope that oregons mountain ranges slow the zombies long enough for us to make portland a firm blue zone.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
@JM: Except that Australian gun-control laws mean we’ll probably succumb faster, citizen for citizen, than the crazy-arsed American horde who can get shotguns and rifles the moment they think they might need some. However, I do have a third-floor apartment (I’m working on figuring out how to destroy the stairs, as they’re a heavy, concrete job) and a hall cupboard full of tinned and dried foods, katanas and even a bat’leth (last one = not my idea) for this eventuality. I have a mining engineer friend who’s fairly certain he can rig up a makeshift flamethrower from petrol and bits of pipe, so he’s on my fallout crew list, and I have already determined my position on friends and lovers who get bitten; shoot first, mourn later. The first day of the outbreak, we’ll fill the bath with water, and use this for all hygiene needs, reserving our running water for drinking.
P.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I noticed, too late, all the typos in my post below. For that, I apologize.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Well, being a Canadian, I’m fortunate enough to be evacuated by the Canadian Forces and brought to Alert, Nunavut, and will survive the apocalypse deciding whether to wear a blue or red coat 10 minutes spent outside a day (it’s cold in the Arctic).
Barring that, I’ll fly to Réunion. It’s a French controlled island in the South Indian Ocean, relatively warm, under a million denizens, developed and isolated (nearest landmass is Mauritius, 200 km of deep ocean away, and closest largely populated place is Madagascar, 600 km of deep ocean away).
Barring that, I’ll steal a boat from the nearby harbour. They’re is sailboats there, and I can sail. I could just drift around the Caribbean, fishing and staying out of the hurricane belt. It’d be like a long, isolated vacation.
Barring that, I’ll just drive out the New York Air national Guard base that is 45 miles away. The US military can protect me, right?
Barring that, I’ll fortify the nearby high school. The similarities to a fortress are remarkable, and it has lots of food, near a lot of stores, and easily defensible from the second floor with firearms.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
My friend owns a tree farm where she plans to start a tree-house community. There are plans in place to build a barricade around the tree farm, so that if the need arises (like in the event of a zombie apocalypse) we can gather uninfected friends and other survivors, head to the tree farm, and lock ourselves in and the zombies out. Being hippy environmentalists in seattle, this is going to be a completely self-sustained community. We’ll be able to survive their indefinitely. Getting to the tree farm from the city would complicate matters mildly, but this community should with any luck be up and running before the apocalypse takes place and we should already be there, able to lock-down at a moment’s notice.
In the event that the infection gets into our community, I’m simply working on the assumption that zombies can’t climb. Tree houses rock.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Oh dear, it’s quite obvious that the zombies will get over us and we will have no real chance against them, if the case of a zombie apocalypsys shall ever happend. That’s why i will run into the zombie croud, intended to get infected with the virus, so to have a long and zombie-like life for the little time I will have left, until the humans are gone and the zombie cannibalism starts, in wich case i will remember my shaolin monk days, and kick their butts, as a zombie, ad remain queen of the zombies for all eternity… until i run out of subdits.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
it is most likely that a zombie apocalypse would begin in america or asia becuase of some crazy scientists playing god, i live in south east Australia so even if the zombie outbreak makes it down under, ill at least have some time to prepare
Step 1: GET THE HELL OUT
at the first sign of strange stories of entire citys being destroyed, i would get on the first plane to New Zealand, before mass panic sets in and airports are shut down
Plan B: if im too late and mass panic has occured, then ill drive a short while to Phillip Island (getting as many guns/ammo/food as possible) and blow up the bridges, or get a small boat if the bridges have already been blown
Step 2:Find shelter
Easy if i make it to New Zealand, i have relatives that have a house away from any towns, its near a cliff and has trees all around, the first thing to do is chop down as many trees as possible, both for firewood and also so i can see any zombies miles away
Plan B: If im on Phillip Island there would most likely already be small settlements around so i would try to find one around the southern coast
Step 3:Weapons
I would try to get through the first 2 steps as fast as possible, because its likely that mass panic will surely be beginning to set in back in Australia and people will be nervous in New Zealand
Plan B: i would have got weapons before i arrived in Phillip Island
Step 4: Wait:
I think i have maybe 4-6 months before the zombies reach New Zealand, more if im lucky (but no-ones ever lucky in a zombie apocalypse), plenty of time to turn the house into a bunker and start farming
Plan B: Zombies would reach Australia in 3-4 months, we would keep in contact with the mainland as long as possible but we will know when we loose contact when the’ve reached the main land
I would try to get as many settlements in contact with eachother as possible and we can assume that if one looses contact, there on the island
Step 5: hope help comes:
I estimate i could stay at New Zealand for several Years, the only real danger is landslides, which are relativly common around that area, i would also frequently scan different radio frequencies becuase eventualy, help would come…maybe
Plan B: Phillip island is not as easy, im with more people, so starvation is a posibility, its not a huge island so no-where to run, pretty much help needs to arrive in about a year or less or im probly dead anyway
April 15th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I’m with xkopp on this one. And now I know all your survival plans, I know exactly where to graze ;p
April 15th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
i just thought i would say that Tanya Silander fucking rocks. hard-core awesomeness in that plan.
i’m rather happy that Canada was rated as a “make it out okay” country haha
i’m sorry to say i have no general plan. most likely will fly to Australia to bunk out with my friends there along with my family and maybe…2 friends. heeehee. my friends have plans, i do not. i am ashamed of myself for not having a plan. *pout*.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Australia is the place to be! Everyone knows that dingo is the sworn enemy of zombies. In fact few people now realize that dingos were first engineered in Australia by the British as a zombie contingency plan. They escaped.
I’ve said too much, Ive said too much.
I just want people to know that I am not suicidal, so if anything happens to me…
April 15th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
The best line in the whole thing was:
(Editors Note: This is a terrifying factoid)
April 15th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
MY PLAN:
This is based on previous activities.
After I manage to avoid catching the virus by getting hungry and going home when the zombies attack, I will assemble my team (Yes I have one) and someone will forget to get any weapons. I will hotwire a car, and then get startled by a rabbit crossing the road. We will crash into a lamppost and I will blame my friend Chris for letting his rabbits out. He will explain that he breads European rabbits and not American rabbits as these clearly were. While we are arguing, my friend Radmer will get eaten by zombies while eating food. After we dispatch the zombies, Maddie will yell at us for being stupid. Chris and I will plot to steal her glasses. We will find another car, I’ll hotwire it, and Akash will drive.
We finally make it to Sports Authority, Maddie and Chris will look for food, survival gear, etc. Steven will stupidly look at ski supplies and paintball guns. Akash and I will look at knives and guns.
We start on the twelve hour drive to Utah with enough supplies for along time. After 3 hours Chris asks, “Hey wasn’t your neighbor with us?” Profanities are uttered.
When we finally get to Utah, we will realize that Isaac is in the car and was just really quiet. I suggest a lame and idiotic team name like: Squad 4. Chris and Maddie like it, because Death Squad sounds awesome (the word 4 is similar to the word for death in Chinese). Sadly, their meager training in the Chinese Language does not cover the word squad. After 5 minutes, Chris starts kicking my shin, and we start arguing.
20 zombies approach from downhill. Akash, sick of our childish bickering drives through the mob in the car, never to seen again. As the hoard gets closer, Maddie, Chris, and I all scream in terror. Isaac, using creepy marksmanship accuracy kills them all.
I kill three rabbits for dinner. Since Chris can actually cook food, he is put in charge. Being a rabbit breeder (Is true), he refuses to cook them. Maddie will somehow have found a ton of pencils and paper and start drawing. Chris and I decide to enact our plan to steal Maddie’s glasses. After getting bored, Chris starts drawing pictures of dragons. I go outside and play soccer with Isaac. Me, being extremely uncoordinated will trip, and stab myself to death on a plant. As I bleed out, I am glad that Chris didn’t through a frisbee and hit me in the neck again.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I’m still trying to figure out how to survive the republican apocalypse.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Well, for now I’m pretty screwed. I live in a very old house with a big porch and lots of very tall thin 100+ year old glass windows. I do live in a pretty rural, well armed area with lots of farms, so maybe if people worked as a group and helped each other our I would…yeah, I’m pretty screwed.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Wrinkledlion X has the best plan of them all. Legos will save us! Because damn if those suckers don’t HURT when you step on them.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Okay so my plan is simple. I’m in Australia, so keep this in mind.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, it will take out my flatmate. I know this because my flatmate is a trusting idiot who will no doubt get infected and bring it home. I will discover this while in the bathroom. Probably naked. Because that’s just my luck. I will be able to tell by the banging on the door and the moaning. Also, they will not use the code word we discussed. At this point I will hastily get dressed, grab a couple of towels, kick out the vent in the bathroom that leads to the storage area under the house and escape through. From there, it’s going to be relatively easy. The storage area has an outside exit and we live on a decent sized piece of land. The storage area has three shot guns, a shit load of ammo, two swords and a baseball bat. It also contains hiking and camping gear. I will get organised quickly and leave the storage area before the zombie flatmate has figured out I have left the bathroom.
My team and I will rendezvous at the pre arranged place. My team consists of a the state archery champion, a baker, a doctor in the science of wellness and a ex-army lieutenant. We will then make our way on foot until we find a suitable vehicle to the middle of the wilderness where the final member of our team, a hobby farmer, lives in a house built in a tree up a mountain. Damn hippy will be the first to be sacrificed should the need arise.
We will then set about building fortifications, and locating as many poisonous animals as we can to fill the forest floor, training several of them to obey our commands and stay out of the veggie patch.
We believe that we can last for quite some time, even if the zombies are, indeed, intelligent and fast moving. We believe that the virus, by definition, will encourage delirium and they will be thus incapable of recalling past experience in full once it has taken full effect. We also believe that while killing zombies is awesome, its not the most practical way to ensure survival. If we deprive them of food (us) for long enough, they should all die out. We believe it will take roughly eight months to a year.
After this time, if the zombies have not died out, we shall revisit our strategy and become a moving militia, killing as many of the undead bastards as we can.
We also do not believe it is weird or strange to have this contingency plan. You’ll all be sorry when the invasion hits and you weren’t prepared.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Piss off into the Australian desert:
preferably with a well stocked/rampored ute (pick-ip)
some solar power and communications (CB/HAM/short wave-radio)
some dew collecting stuff for water
a push bike (quiet transport, doesn’t need fuel)
some kind of secure sleeping arrangement (coffin, big steel box, ?).
Seeds for new food.
I’m relying on zombies having a lifespan based on cellular degeneration, say 3 months, the desert will turn them into zombie jerky.
Basically a bunch of long term camping shit and weapons.
Short term: “I don’t have to outrun the zombies, i just have to outrun you.”
April 15th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
i have a cousin named jennifer bonesteel. i don’t think she’d know what to do if zombies attacked.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I don’t think you have a girlfriend, enjoy your zombie plan
April 15th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Erm, the undead zombie from The Zombie Survival Guide IS plausible, with a few tweaks
Basically, the brain could be mutated into a self sufficient organ (has its own heart, lungs, etc.). Some more mutations (giving it gills, for example) would let it breathe under water. As for how it would have access, well, the virus could change how the skin works, allowing air to come in easily, along with water. The rest of the body could also be mutated to be self sufficient. For all we know, the virus could allow the body to work like a fungus!
April 15th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Daniel Davis - DURH THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED A “SURVIVAL” PLAN.
Dumbass.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
The really funny thing about all of this is how EVERY person answering this question assumes that she or he won’t be one of the zombies. If you have seen any of the movies, you therefore know that your hope is the same as assuming you will win the lottery tomorrow. You are not a winner. You are not a survivor.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
What if the disease is caused by a non-viral source, like a parasitic animal or a spore-based life form? What if it made smarter zombies and could be spread like anthrax? The smart zombies could easily drop tons of the spore from a plane if they (or whatever controls them) wanted to. We would ALL be screwed over then.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Just scatter Legos around your house! Nobody can walk on LEGOS!
April 15th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
FUCK YES CANADA!!
My plan? Grab a knife, barricade my room (located neatly on the sixth floor), eat whatever I have left, and then suicide.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
i read “Meagan’s” pro’s and con’s from the wrong perspective - hers. That way, she’s basically saying that the “con” of relying on Robert (her “boyfriend”) is that he’ll be dead in minutes. funny ha ha.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Alright, so here is my plan
First Days:
Destroy staircase to upper floor of my house after moving food upstairs, begin collecting water before it is shut down. Contact friends and tell them to come to my house if possible, help them onto the second floor using a ladder
After the initial outbreak
Carefully loot the house near mine for weapons, preferably machettes but anything will do. Also take preservable food, bicycles, backpacks and any other useful items. Pack all items into the backpacks and travel by bike to one of the numerous strip malls in my town, the one in question houses a Target and Lowes. First raid the Lowes taking up shelter on the roof (which is only accessed by a ladder, which Zombies cant climb)
First Months
Raid the Target store and use the food inside while we grow a sustainable food culture using the seeds and soil from the Lowes, possibly venture to local sporting good stores and other stores when safe and needed.
Years…
Fuck
April 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Brockway’s from Portland? Represent!
Bonesteel? I know a Janice Fangboner. FANGBONER!!!
Besides that, I would like to warn Ms. Silander that once this gets all over Digg her chances at fooling the proles into being bait are ruined.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I have a question: Since the upper levels of a house are safe against zombie attacks, would large underground structures, when properly barricaded, likewise be safe? I have not given much thought to a zombie contingency plan, but the best plan I can come up with involves getting as many people and supplies into the London Underground and then barricading it, a la the Blitz. It would probably be a good idea to seal off the seperate lines from each other (ie no contact between people in the District and Victoria lines), and it would be relatively simple to seal off an individual station from the others should it be found that the infection has come down there as well.
Of course, this plan would require massive cooperation, most likely stemming from the city council. However, the fact of the matter is that London is too large to affect an evacuation attempt in time, and most of Southern England is likewise densely populated. The best way to deal with that is to find shelter in the city itself. I think, if it is defensible enough, that the London Underground could be a good way to shelter thousands if necessary.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
You do realize that Solanum isn’t a real virus, right?
April 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
My contingency plan:
Find Burt Gomer.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I work in the biggest naval base in Scotland, home of the trident nukes, I would put them to good use ;=)
April 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I have a great plan to survive a zombie outbreak. Not only would it guarantee my survival but the survival of hundreds, if not thousands of people. Not only would be survive, we would thrive. A paradise. A golden age, if you will.
So, as soon as the first real report comes out of a zombie outbreak, I would throw out my plan and just resort to running around and screaming like a little girl ’till I am dead.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Who says you have to beat them? Why not relax and just join them?
Think of the perks: No more job. No more bills. No more meetings. No more traffic jams. No more personal hygiene. Fuck the lawn mowing and taking out the trash. Fuck fashion and working out.
A couple of minutes of flesh ripping agony and it’s all zombie heaven after that. Just zone out and watch the asshole ‘livies’ struggle against the inevitable. Don’t fight Zombiedom - embrace it. That’s my motto.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
See ‘i differ from all of these. I don’t want to just survive the apocalypse I want to hunt these beasts down. I am a professional Zombie Hunter you have Zombie problems I have the solution. (hint:the solution is an axe, a big one, applied to the cranium.)
April 15th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
since your in Oregon, you should come see my band (Toxic Zombie) play at Dante’s on the 25th
April 15th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Hell yeah, SE P-Town forever! I know the Gun Room, I know the Taxidermist, and I know the Post Office - thing is, after raiding the Gun Room, I would rather hit the Lloyd Center or Clackamas Mall - hell, even Pioneer Place instead of central OR. All the supplies you need in one of those three buildings. You’ve like…SEEN the movies, right? Well, if you haven’t, you’d be in luck because one of those three has a theater built in.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Yes with the “Get by with a little help from my friends” strategy! That’s what I always tell people (people meaning /b/) when they ask “Are you ready for a zombie outbreak?” I always tell them that it depends on what kind you’re talking about:
George Romero zombies, RAGE zombies, T-Virus zombies, vampire minion zombies a la Nosferatu, or I Am Legend zombies (okay, technically vampires, but they’re pretty much zombies).
You also have to take into consideration WHERE you are when the zombie outbreak happens. Are you at home? Are you at the office? Are you in a mall (the ideal situation, according to George Romero and Dead Rising)? Are you in a hospital (28 Days/Weeks Later)? Are you in an apartment building (REC/Quarantine)? Are you on an abandoned space station (Dead Space)?
And most importantly, can you get out and/or can they get in? Also, you have to figure out how you’ll call for help.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
tl;dr
April 15th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Now, I get the feeling that the last one, I should probably look at, as a Zombie Apocolypse is my dream end of the world, but its too longwinded. Can someone just give me the rundown?
April 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
(to Danjer047) wouldn’t that make them similar to vampires? (no “omg twilight” intended) seeing as they are classified as undead, but can walk, talk and generaly look like humans. Of course vampires arn’t biting everyone they see unless they’re hungery.
Unless, and i’m going out on a limb here, a ‘zombie vampire virus’ isn’t always in control of the host all the time, only when it has enough of it’s self reproduced that it could effectively take over a new host, causing the hunger we accociate with vampires. To bad for the fangirls that they generally kill their victim, not transfer their virus XD
April 15th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
@das_w00tman
CITY. singular.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I live in nice flat rural Central Indiana, where you can see anytthing for miles and there’s plenty of farms and gun stores to stock up with supplies. The only problem is, nearly everyone there is stupid. This works in two ways. One, I can easily lead them to a trap. Two, this cold screw me over and they could just end up fighting where to go and the zombies find us. Either way, I couould die
April 15th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
one word. killdozer.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Holy SHIT! That last plan makes “The Zombie survival guide look noobish. God help zombies should we stick to the last hypothesis!
April 15th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
hide in paris hiltons vagina..simple
April 15th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@Tanya: It’s rather unlikely that a man-made virus would be airborne, since (and let’s assume that the creators want to accomplish something other than the extinction of the human race) it is probable that an airborne virus would be TOO effective. It would likely either be a biological weapon (in which case, it would be intended to target one specific group), or a mutation of a virus originally intended for medical purposes, a la “I Am Legend”. Also, the virus would most likely be a mutation of another virus, and since we assume that this virus affects the brain, the most likely candidate would be a strain of rabies. Rabies is not, and never has been, an airborne virus.
It is also incapable of regenerating brain cells. As a matter of fact, almost nothing is capable of regenerating brain cells, except for the possibility of stem cells. If such a thing existed, then Alzheimer’s would be a thing of the past, people would be braining up, and we’d likely end up masturbating to centerfolds of Pi being expressed in binary to an octillion places. But as stated, rabies (or some other virus that effects the brain), like all viruses, is parasitic in nature, and destroys it’s host so that it can use its (the host) component parts to replicate itself (the virus). Therefore, we must assume that a zombie would rather masturbate to the thought of human flesh.
Lastly, viruses aren’t truly alive, but they are made from organic materials, and organic material is not invincible. And although some viruses are indeed capable of going into a dormant state for years, this requires a favorable habitat, which contains little to none of the things which can break down the chemical structure of that specific virus. That is why viruses can only be communicated in specific manners (i.e. tetanus is soil-borne, and therefore can’t be contracted from the air, which is an unsuitable environment).
April 15th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
act like one of them or sedernate or what ever its called when you kill yourself for a few minutes or hours while having real blood all over you….notice zombies never go back for seonds on something they ate
April 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Step 1: Gather supplies and travel to my ex-bosses house (he was promoted) and offer myself as a body guard/marksman as he is a gunsmith.
Step 2: build a still
Step 3:???
Step 4: Profit!! (Survive?)
April 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
why the hell does everyone want to go to walmart during a zombie outbreak? glass windows, 24/7 staff, heavily populated area… alot of people have an f’ing death wish. I live in a loft that is completely inaccesible without 2 separate keys or breaking down 2 steel doors and 2 wooden doors. so I figure I could at least sleep comfy at night, and if one of the shits manages to break in my crowbar by my bed or my combat knife under the bed should take care of them easily. I have roof access to the whole block of my loft, since its seated in a all but extinct downtown area I don’t have to worry about large volumes of zombies. I’ve already secured a roof entrance into a small grocer that carries mostly non-perishables due to low population in the area and not much perishable sales. I would then scout for a nearby convoy or hunting party and organize a trek as far north as possible, to the high north US or lower Canada. Even a zombie can’t survive a bad winter outdoors. I would not organize a “special” journey to an arms dealer just for weapons, as many businesses/homes contain some form of firearm that can be found through scaving (just look at all the kids that “accidentally” found their dads handgun.) and if none is found I’m fine with a melee weapon, as i’ll try to avoid zombies rather than go through them guns-blazing.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
@Don, Britain and Japan would be fucked because we are VERY VERY densely populated. shite, Half of England is ONE big city, london town may only be about 4 million, but greater london is about 20 million.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
@meagan “I am in fact a very sexy lady, Horace. And I would never call Robert by “Rob,” Imposter Meagan. I call him Robbles”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Robbles….HaHAHAHAHA!!!!!
That much better than what Mrs. glendoor42 calls me, which is usually
” Goddammit glendoor you fucking immature asshole” or worse than that sometimes she calls me kingmonkey.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@foop
you have CITIES in alaska?
April 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
you don’t have to reload a lead pipe.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
i’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, ever since watching the new dawn of the dead. if by some chance a virus mutates , something like rabies or something that would turn people into violent killers. my first action would be to load all my weapons and ammo into my truck and my wife , son and i are heading to a local grocerie store. where there is plenty of food and drink. then i would make molitove cocktails and lob from the roof to the crazy mass below. eventually you’ll thin the crowd out.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Sarge had the best Zombie plan … (http://redvsblue.com :))
/TJ
April 15th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I disagree that the Zombies will be intelligent. Knowing how viruses work, viruses cannot have a “will” or “desire”, so the fact that the zombies in this specific apocalypse would be capable of higher thought based on viruses desires is completely ludicrous. One, a virus cannot spur an increase in cell replication, they take over a cell, use its machinery which contrary to your hypothesis does not keep on using the same cell machinery, it in fact stops it to all exclusion of the replication of Virus DNA and proteins. Therefore the zombies could not possibly be smarter than the host was previously. Second, if the zombies retained intelligence, the hosts would be simply delirious, hallucinating, or have uncontrollable urges none of which would lead to them using intelligence to help end the human race. I’m not saying that this is impossible, I am just saying from current biological studies on viruses, there is nothing to give evidence to such a virus. On the other hand, it may be possible to make a virus that targets the brain, it just wouldn’t be in the way that you have said. On the side, lesser points contradicting yours: not all viruses become airborne, not all viruses can survive outside of a host, and if the virus specifically targets brain cells than it may not be present in significant enough amounts in bodily fluids to infect another person through contact of bodily fluids.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
The only problem with Tanya’s plan is TL;DR.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I live in Alaska. While cold is a good place to be in the event of a zombie outbreak, I would still want to get out of the city: If I get out early enough (before airports are shut down) I can catch a plain to Cordova, a small town without a road to it, where its unlikely a zombie infection would ever reach. There is plenty of fish there, and plenty of guns (it’s Alaska).
April 15th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I’m from Saskatchewan! Based on the last strategy, I win!
April 15th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
tl;dr
April 15th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
“Japan, if they got hit with this virus, they’re kind of screwed. Britain, you’re screwed. ” Hello? Those countries are islands. They will pull through the 2nd best next to scandinavia. Reasons? Coasts are easily reachable, meaning more ports and more boats. As long as the group is small and compact, (no more than 7-8 people) survival will be simple as long as you reach the coast in time to aquire a boat. However, you would still need to occasionaly make trips to the mainland for supplies, but its the next best thing to desets, which will require FAR more water, meaning more supplies, more trips to the mainland and a higher chance of becoming infected.
As long as Britain doesn’t go all 28 days laer on my ass…
April 15th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I have a new pro and con for the last one.
Pro: Nothing changes here so just read the original one.
con: This “I’m talking to you Utah, you and your Mormons, lol.” Now read that last sentence especially the very last “word”
April 15th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
great article, is it to soon hahah love the comments.
But am i the only person who read capecoddan’s last post? “laser pointers could be alot of fun, see if like my dog when a zombie sees a red glowing dot it will run into things trying to get it.”
i nearly cried laughing when i read this
April 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
THANK YOU TANYA.
My friends never believed me when I told them that the zombies described by the Zombie Survival Guide were impossible.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
[...] och läste en intressant artikel på Cracked om olika läsares strategier i fall de hade stått inför ett zombieutbrott. Vissa var riktigt [...]
April 15th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Well… Nice plans
As a thirdworlder, my plan has its fundations in the fact that the zombie apocalipse will start eventually in big cities (if it is some kinda os man made war stuff) in USA, maybe China. IF is a crazy plague, maybe in afrika.
So, as all my plans go, I will go to a little city that I have a house. I live in the country, far away from the sea, but close to big and good water fonts. My state is famous for the cattle, and we got lots close of the my shelter “city” (a hell hole with 50 houses, but half got some people living.. maybe 50 people live there). Lots of water? Check. Lots of food (for the vegans out there, yes, we have vegetable ready there) Check. Maybe a woman or two and all right.
This is my lan in ANY circunstance. If (heaven stop me) I kill somebody, ebola, saratoga negra, zombie apocalipse, local high school musical plays, second zoolander, avian flu…
I have that place to hide. Away from everything, some telephones, only get tv from satelitte dishes, energy… In the worst cases, I can live in de woods, hiding. and fight off Jaguars to survive.
If the plague got HERE first (damn, the good things always get here latter), I will make the possible and impossible to make everybody one of or zombie army.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Now, Im gonna have to argue some of the assumptions made by Tanya Silander, mostly the intelligence and increase in neurons. Namely that the human body tends not to produce more neurons, while it could be possible that a virus would somehow cause the creation and differentiation of stem cells to produce more neurons, it is likely the result would be cancerous. Viruses are excellent at controlling individual cells, but lack the ability to co-operate to control an organism due to their lack of communication and lack of complexity even compared to other intracellular obligate pathogens. Additionally such a complex virus with a high contraction rate would likely not be air-born as I think it would lack the rugged toughness required. Though that is just an assumption of mine.
I think a more likely scenario would be a case of human infection by a parasitic multi-cellular organism that would lay eggs or inject young into it’s victim. A multi-cellular creature would have a higher complexity and ability to alter the biological structure of the host producing some of the features you mentioned (such as immunity to pain and greater strength). Their is also a precedence for these types of organisms, as shown in some earlier cracked articles.
Regardless, a girl who knows biology and is into zombie apocalypses = interesting.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Nice people, brockways getting better then the others
April 15th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Nice writing Tanya, however I have a hard time accepting the possibilities that a virus could generate a hive mind of super intelligent infected. I am unaware of any instance where a virus has ever increased intelligence or caused creatures to work as group. You should read “Zombie CSU” by John Mayberry it seems like it would be right up your alley.
One thing to keep in mind is that the zombie virus does already exist in one form. It’s called rabies. Its has a much longer incubation period than would ever be portrayed in the movies, but it is basically the same thing. Insane nearly dead person trying to bite claw and scratch anyone who gets near. The movie “Quarantine” did a very good job of making rabies into a super-virus. I highly recommend watching it if you haven’t.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
[...] yeah another zombie contingency article! What
April 15th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
The only thing wrong I see with Tanya’s plan would be that the viruses would make the neurons reproduce. They could, but that would cause a concussion and kill the host.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I was about to be depressed because DOB couldn’t post on my birthday (it being a Wednesday, and not a DOBDay) but you know what? Brockway kind of rocks, too.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
The last plan sounds like an amazing idea for a movie… It would be pretty similar to 28 Days Later but that’s ok… It would be insane to see Zombies that could walk around and talk like regular people but only have the desire to spread the virus… Amazing… Just amazing…
April 15th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I now have a girl-crush on Tanya.
Girl’s got braaaaaaaaaaains.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I am infact a very sexy lady, Horace. And I would never call Robert by “Rob,” Imposter Meagan. I call him Robbles.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Edmonton_Mall
I live in Edmonton. It has a amusement park, a skating rink, a water park, a gun shop, a urban outfitter’s and numerous supermarkets.
THARS MY PLAN.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
tanya you do know that the monsters from i am legend (which you just described) are vampires right?
April 15th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
My strategy? Barricade Smith & Edwards, which you can learn of here: http://www.smithandedwards.com/index.asp
Note the 25 ft concrete walls, lack of entrances/windows, and in particular the defunct WWII tank, surrounded by all the military surplus scrap needed to repair it.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Scott, you will unquestionably be the first do die.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
WHY IS EVERYONE WRITING SO DAMN MUCH….HERES WHAT U NEED TO DO…
1.get people together
2.get as much guns and ammo as possible
3.get food and supplies
4.get more guns and ammo
5.find a very secluded place where u can see zombies comeing…like kansas…
6.kill all the zobies
7.save the day and get the girl
done…not that complicated…
April 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Zombie contingency plan? After spending a weekend with my friends reading an ass-load of Max Brooks and playing Resident Evil 5/Nazi Zombie Cod5 mode, I have my zombie plan so set it’s not even funny:
1. Escape east. The nearest metropolis is west, so the direction choice is obvious - but I also have hunter friends in the area. The one I plan to go here has a house about a mile out of town, 23 propane tanks, and a wide assortment of guns, 200 rounds each, and that’s not even mentioning the bizarre amount of things that we can use as makeshift weapons. There is an army base in town, but the mass of people swarming for it will just make it a largest priority point for zombies.
2. After determining an adequate vehicle for travelling back into town, we make a run for supplies by raiding local High Schools/lower schools for frozen foods. Then we hold up in the upstairs of the previously mentioned friend’s house, destroying the wooden stairs leading up there. We are neigh invulnerable.
3. Hold up until winter. Being in the northern united states, the bitter winter will freeze the zombies, or at least slow them, reducing the danger by a significant amount. We follow a nearby railroad all the way to Lake Superior, where we steal a boat at the port town the railroad ends at. Sail to the U.P
4. Wander through the forests of Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
5. Proceed into Canada. Continue our conquest north, searching for an adequate point for rest in the Spring, somewhere near Hudson Bay.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000915.html
April 15th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
god damn it! i totally had that science plan all planned out, ‘cept the zombies wouldnt be super smart AND controlled by the virus, thats BS. you cant have both. look at how snails and ants are affected by that mind control. also, the most lukely means of a zombie science thing wouldnt be a virus, but infinitly more probable, a parasite, as they already exsist, in snails, ants, and from there, the guts of cats and rabbits. so really, zombies would still be stupid. dumb ass.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
AWESOME POST!!!!!! Everyone always gets on to me about not having a Zombie Contingency Plan, but my best friend and I made one a few years ago one night when really drunk…
Basically, this would be a group of my family and friends. We would take over our local Walmart Supercenter(Where my friend and I have worked in the past for years), where unlike grocery stores, are mostly brick and few windows. We would split the labor up among the group of us with no less than three people per group and one of those people holding a gun(from sporting goods… shotguns/rifles) and the other two doing the work(I never could understand why people put their guns down in zombie movies…) The only windows of note are at the two front entrances, which would be barricaded with: Fencing from lawn and garden as the first layer against those windows, then wooden pallets(also known as flats or skids), these pallets would be nailed together with long 2″ screws from Hardware… and lots of them. Then inside that layer would be the metal shelving Walmart uses to display product, take the product and shelves down and use the flat shelving structure as a barricade. We would use sand/soil/seed bags from Lawn and Garden as additional barricade material. That would barricade the outer entrance. You know where the inside part of that is when you walk in that has the sensors that go off if you didnt deactivate something(usually where the greeter stands?), well that smaller bottleneck would be the next barricaded area(not to mention we have already closed the shopping cart bay doors and used row after row of carts as additional barricades between the outer entrance and inner entrance.
We would barricade this inner entrance similarly to how we did the outer entrance, but would be able to take more time with this entrance and make it a permanent barricade, by not only “piling crap up in front of the doors”, but instead attaching pieces by welding(using supplies from store) and nailing parts together, such as more pallets, metal shelving, fencing from Lawn and Garden. Now we would pile a bunch of crap up on the inside of that barricade, so they would have to go through the outer entrance that is barricaded very strongly, then the rows and rows of piled up carts between the outside doors and the portal where the greeter stands inside the store, then that layer of securely attached barricade, and then after that another layer of piled up debris, shelving, etc. I would also go to hardware and get motion detectors and get to work setting those up throughout the perimeter of store attaching them to car batteries to use as a power source.
Lawn and Garden would be too easy to barricade… first of all, it is surrounded with like 10ft tall metal fencing, which takes care of the outer barrier, inside of which would be a tall barrier of shopping carts, pallets, shelving, etc. just like the other entrances. The actual doorway into the building from lawn and garden is a smaller opening than the other two entrances, so we would barricade this entire opening with bags of sand/soil/etc. Inside of which, the usual nailed/screwed/welded shelves, pallets, and other materials. Our group would have been broken up into 4 teams…. One team working on each of the three main entrances and the other team would go through the rest of the store checking all the rest of the metal doors to make sure all are locked. As these other doors would be much harder for zombies to get in, they are a lower priority than the main entrances. After the three teams from up front finish their work, all four teams would work on the rest of the store and add additional barricades to those doorways(mainly just fire exits and then automotive, which is already barricaded pretty well, but we would add a couple more layers to it).
Then after the barricading is done comes the more fun part… surviving off of many years worth of canned food and clothing and supplies. One major rule… you don’t let anyone in… period. If others in the group are too kind hearted and stupid, fine… make exceptions, but only to a quarantine area. Basically, the only entrance now is via a rope ladder lowered from the roof(roof access is inside the store in the back of the store near receiving). If they look alright, and pass a physical inspection(while guns are leveled at their head) for bites/scratches, then we would move them to the quarantine area(a section of TLE(automotive) that we block off for this purpose, they would have to stay in quarantine for at least one week before being let into main population. This is only for extreme circumstances, such as the added people being friends/family members. In a situation such as this, you cannot save everyone, but you can probably keep your small group alive, if you are smart. Most zombie plans end up getting screwed because they let outsiders into their group, which end up being infected and end up attacking the group… not with us. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here…
Backup plan: If somehow zombies get inside the store, we would move to the roof. Zombies would have to be pretty darn determined and well… its pretty much impossible… but if they do get inside your barricades, you would have to move to the roof, where you have already moved a large supply of canned goods, weapons and ammo, clothing, camping gear, batteries, water, etc… and wait it out there.. zombies would not be able to get on the roof… its about 30+ feet from the ground and only access is from the inside of the store from that one ladder(which would be disabled and we would only use our lowerable rope ladder). If there are any other ladders they would have been disabled by the 4th team earlier when they did their run around the perimeter of the store. The only way zombies are getting up to the top is if they figure out how to pile their bodies on top of each other in a big enough pile to make it so it would reach the roof(which I doubt they could figure out), but even if they get that clever, we would be throwing pipe bombs and other explosives/flammable objects and shooting them during their attempts… so we would win… forever… the end.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Ah, just looked at the section again, and it would seem all my “he”s should be changed to “she”s. And also change that “are” to an “is” in my second sentence while we’re at it.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
The last one, while wordy, shows a shakey understanding of certain scientific concepts if you ask me. I think his version of zombies is no more plausible than Max Brooks’s, and are far less fun.
And if his version was the real one, we’d all be screwed, and he’d be HELPING the zombies. If in his version they have access to human memories, then by spreading word of his plans he’s dooming us all! Traitor!
And all you people planning on heading to grocery stores or Wal-Marts are doomed. Do not challenge the master: Max Brooks knows his shit, and he knows that you should go to the warehouse of whatever store you were thinking of at first. They’re often in remote locations since each supplies several stores, are typically windowless and secure, and also have the advantage of NOT being the place every other fucking person goes to.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Why does Tanya Silander have to ruin everyones fun. Goddamn, my full proof zombie plan is shit now. I’m actually pissed right now…
April 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
two words: Zombie Trap.
explaination: make a trap to trap zombies that are not trapped yet. with your trap, of course. once in the trap. bomb the trap with a bomb. bomb trap, trap bomb, if you will, trap the bombs youve trapped to bomb the zombie trap to get rid of the bombs. i mean zombies.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Well my zombie plan isn’t so great but here it goes.
When I first hear of the zombie infection I will quickly gather my friends and family and try and drive to my grandparents house. If
I survive long enough to get there I will then use all of the wood that my grandfather has lying around for some reason to barricade as many windows as i can. Now my grandfather makes bullets for a hobby and currently has 700 pounds of lead in his gun room for bullet making. He also owns a total of 19 hunting rifles and sniper rifles and also 6 knives. He will make bullets while the rest of us load food and supplies into the gun room (which is windowless so noi worries about zombies going through the windows.) We will stay in the gun room until things quiet down a little and our supplies run out. Then we will move up to the second floor (bringing all the weapons) of the huge mansion/house where we will hide out. We will barricade the stairs with the wood previously used to barricade the windows. We will stay as queit as possible as to not let any zombies know where we are. Hopefully our food will last us long enough so that we can wait for things to quiet down even more and then head to the gas station up the street and grab many supplies. We will keep doing this until supplies run out. Then we shall take the big silver truck and drive up to Wal-Mart. With one person driving and all the rest of us in the back (to provide fire if needed) we shall travel to the store and stock up yet again on supplies.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
The last author missed the point that it’s actually fairly logical that the zombies in Max Brook’s book don’t desintegrate:
bacteria are unable to eat Solanum-infected cells (since they’re highly toxic), ergo the infected corpse (i.e. the zombie) can keep “fresh” for a very, VERY long time since it doesn’t decompose!
A corpse only rots away (decomposes) largely because of anaerobic bacteria. Take away that bacteria and you get an instant mummy: well conserved, even while exposed to air.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Lets face it if you survive the intial assualt and are stuck somewhere you are going to have free time out the ass, and jerking off to the hotter corpses probaly wont last that long (they start to go south in about a week). you should really have fun with this! Get a super soaker and a wide variety of fluids and find out what the zombies like and dont like, it might come in handy. You might find a certian perfume zombies cant stand. Why not fill the super soaker with food coloring and start tagging the zombies, like a low tech tracer find out there habits, fill the super soaker with bleach and give one zombie a bitching new hair color. dump a bucket of paint on a zombie to see how it reacts. Laser pointers could be alot of fun, see if like my dog when a zombie sees a red glowing dot it will run into things trying to get it. Find out if zombies prefer classical or modern rock. got a rope? try to go zombie fishing and when you catch it imaple it on something but becareful not to kill it, see if the other zombies are effected by this. At the very least when they find your sun baked corpse surrounded by zombies all the colors of the rainbow impaled on spikes people will get a good laugh
April 15th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
There’s a lot of wrong biological assumptions in the “The “Uh…what was that first part again?” Stratagem.” It’s almost as if either a first year biology student wrote this or someone decided to Wiki various biological terms and cram it into a working document.
- As paul said, rapid neurogenesis doesn’t imply higher level thinking. In other words, just because you have more neurons doesn’t mean you’ll be a genius. In fact, if this were the case, then humans would be fighting off supersmart superhumans, which in that case maybe becoming a zombie isn’t exactly that bad (we wouldn’t even be calling them “zombies” to begin with). It may actually mean more pain receptors (contradicting the description), or more incorrect neural inputs (this would result in a lack of coordination).
- The neurogenesis example in itself makes no sense. AIDS does not stop cell cycle inhibitors in the nervous system. Virus proliferation is done through hijacking and weakening of the immune system. Adult neurogenesis is also rare, only occurring in the hippocampus and olfactory bulb regions. In very few other instances (brain tumors) does cell division of neurons actually occur after development.
- If anything, the ability for zombies to survive what normal humans would consider “fatal” wounds would imply the complete opposite that you’re proposing: that zombies require little in terms of resources in order to survive, including lower oxygen levels within the blood stream. In other words, zombies don’t die as a result of less pain, they don’t die as a result of not being able to be killed. That “lack of pain” is more likely a deterioration of the CNS or PNS.
What’s unclear is the result of such lower activity. If cells become more efficient as a result of the virus, it may not hinder their cognitive and physiological activities. On the other hand, this may also completely destroy certain populations of cells and tissues; lower levels of oxygen particularly to the brain does result in high levels of cell death resulting in impairment of cognitive functions.
- The survival mechanism of a virus has never entailed a degree of sentience, which you have essentially described. Complete reworkings of thought and ideas into a level of controlling behaviors and ideas (i.e. you work as a part of a collective) would require extensive alterations of brain function. There’s no evidence of this, and no precedent that makes this remotely possible.
What’s more likely is that zombies actually are “brainless,” that their cognitive functions have been deteriorated as a result of the virus attacking certain aspects of the nervous system as well as the previously mentioned lack of oxygen to key regions of the brain.
- Your description of a zombie is more like describing a virus causing people to be communal and communist rather than being zombies. In fact, some may even call this a level of evolution.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Problem with the Indian Reservation strategy. Zombies that can fire a bow-and-arrow. Need I say more?
April 15th, 2009 at 11:55 am
mine wud be to baracade the doors of our apt building and go upstairs, in this storage closet there is a ladder to the roof, with just a square whole in the ceiling that has a cover, so i wud grab said AK-47 that we have already aquired specifically for this situation, go up there, lock the roof, and pick off mad zombies.
we’d be 3 stories up on the roof, and being college students, we have lots of food that doesn’t go bad stocked already (ramen, canned food, etc)
that or i’d proceed from safe room to safe room until i could escape from the roof of the hospital via helicopter. or if i was bitten, be a hunter and learn to double jump…
April 15th, 2009 at 11:51 am
As i have practiced parkour and a bit martial arts and i have a knife and own motorcycle its good to from this.
Step 1: Grab my knife,some chocolate bars, honey from creece, cheese, serials, can food,flashlight,binoculars, duckttape and some extras. when my bag is full i would take my helmet, riding jacket ( hard and thick) boots and thick pants but not tight so i can kick some zombies if i must.
Step 2: Start the motorcycle and start heading to the bus station ( in the same building there are little food store so hallelujah) i would scope the area with binoculars from nearby roof then head on. if i find zombies kill them. next thing is to find a bus then start it up ( luckily i will found keys in ignition switch). i will drive next to the food store and grab alot things that i can and make some molotovs ( gas station nearby)
Step 3: look if i can find any survivors nearby if not i really cant help it.
step 4: IF the whole country is infected then i have 2 options and neither is good because i should drive near 1000 kilometers north trough numerous towns/cities and it would take a lot time BUT if i make it, im near artic ocean and then my only hope would be find a boat and travel offshore and just wait.
Alternative: Travel just 120 kilometer south to ocean shore trough CAPITAL city. then find a boat and get away to little island.
I think thats all. i know how to shoot guns in theory and how to reload them but dont know where to get one. so i just have to slice em or beat em.
Good: pretty good plan if all goes well and i invented it as i writed.
Not so good: changes are that 80% my plan screws up and i die but hell at least i will take some zombies with me.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I love how all of these plans involve getting guns, as if guns are some kind of magical source of power. Ok, so guns are kind of a magical source of power, but were talking Zombies here, which means the only thing that matters are headshots and if your gun makes noise then your hurting yourself more then your helping yourself. Thus, shotguns would suck, whilst a shotgun can damn near kill a person flat out, zombies dont feel pain or bleed to death, so a shot to the chest wont do shit, not to factor in that your range with a shot gun isnt anything to brag about.
The best weapon in the up coming zombie wars will be a sharp mind, what sets us apart from are fetid foes is are ability to survive and adapt, as soon as we loose that were fucked as a species
April 15th, 2009 at 11:48 am
So, what would be in control of the zombie, the virus or the host. I do not believe that a virus would be able to control a human body. keep it intact maybe, but control it? I don’t think so. The Zombie may still be alive and functioning properly, but are viruses sentient beings?
April 15th, 2009 at 11:47 am
i think mostly about if theyre going to be fast (28 days) or slow (shaun of the dead)
fast zombies: arm myself with the only weapon i have, a big ass hunting knife, get to my car, drive the fuck to big 5 (it being the closest equivilent to a gunstore in my town) get a shotgun, a second shotgun because the primary weapon always seem to malfunction in the movies. two side arms, and a bag full of ammo for all mentioned weapons. get back in the car, pick up my homie Mike, and well cruise for babes. zombie babes. blow their heads off, and repeat until there are no more zombie girls in the city, that way, the zombie men can not reproduce zombie babies, of course. then get on a roof and snipe all the lonely zombie bachelors / widowers. this should all take about 5 hours.
slow zombies: same plan, except we should be done faster, im thinking an hour and a half tops.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
wheres the ‘bring all the chicks’ strategy?
April 15th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I think I am the “Im on a boat, bitches” type! Here’s what I came up with:
http://dcfemella.com/blog/2009/03/what-i-will-do-when-zombies-infest-this-world/
April 15th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I’ve been experimenting with carnivorous, remote control squirrels, and C4-laced rabbits. So far I’ve had good luck with them, and have managed to hold off the S.W.A.T. team for the better part of a week now. Surely zombies can’t be better trained than angry cops with big guns.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:40 am
The 2nd to last plan is about the grocery store thing. The con to that says that grocery stores display food in the front.
Find me at least 1 grocery store that “displays” food in the front.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:37 am
yourzombieplan.com has a large collection of zombie plans.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:32 am
@Leslie
That depends, are you a Paladin? If so you could probably just use exorcism, holy wrath and rip his soul right out of his body. Remember to collect his head for your questgiver.
Just be careful of his spawning minions.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:32 am
So there’s a lot of direct plans being sent out. I think the first thing to do is to board up and wait about a day. When formulating these plans, yes its important to outsmart the zombies, but what about the humans? The ones that rush out first are going to draw large crowds of infected. Outsmart them by waiting for the shift in zombie location. Also there should be something said for distinguishing yourself from the infected. Truthfully there should be a universal sign that you arnt infected (assuming zombies have loss of self awareness). I propose a universal dance move so be performed when called upon to do so. We shall name this move, the Truffle Shuffle.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I just said compound bow and knives. Trust half a dozen pissed Aussies to deal with any problem.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:29 am
And what about the necromancer?
No, one have a plan for him.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Contingency plan….
I live in Armadale, Western Australia. Game, set, match. No-one comes here and we got a big desert between us and the other states.
The infection starts in the U.S., and the first paranoid fucker, after yelling “I told you so” kill off the first zombies. Due to growing up in the current age, and the fact everyone has an idea about the zombie apocalypse, at first signs destroy anything baring resemblance. You can run from a bully for the rest of your life, or put him down once and never worry again. Zombies are just bullies.
If it somehow gets to a holocaust stage where the zombies are winning, come to australia. Bring guns, but you are welcome here. Flights from the eastern states will be stopped, so you will have to require the brainpower to drive accross the Nullabor (the big empty gap we have) and anyone caught walking accross (If they made it to wa) gets shot.
Also, we have awesome beaches.
P.S. I have a compound bow and assortment of knives, bring it you zombie motherfuckers.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
i like the first plan…but the last part kinda ruined zombies for me T.T
April 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
“Everyone” thinks about Zombie contingency plans?
Now i’m even awarier about Brazilian’s “Jeitinho Brasileiro”/Portugal’s Desenrascano (Which some cracker said it was just improvisation).
There is a zombie breakdown?
No? Keep your M.O.
Yes? Desenrasque-se/Dê um jeito (The Running MacGyver’s army)
Due to the nature of brazilians/portugueses (added to the Dança do Pau martial art and some D&D books) the blunt and pole weapons would be most favored, since you can fasion them out of, well, anything.
(If we EVER get a handful of bubble gum, oars, an saw/chisel and some obsidian/razors, we can do actual aztec macuahuitl, an weapon capable of beheading horses in one swing)
Sure, a lot would die (like a lot of people on the list) but the ones who get to group would be an insane army raiding ANYTHING in the path and turning them into implements of death and destruction (or food. You can grow 100 lbs. of potato in as few as 4 foot of ground using tires)
April 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Hey brad i like it but ive noticed something with alot of these island plans… you guys assume zombies wont be able to swim. or for that matter the limitied resources in most island environments.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Why does everyone want to go to where it’s cold?… yeah, the zombies will freeze, but they’ll defrost in the spring. You’d have to find and dismember each one while it’s frozen and you’re sure to miss a lot of them under the snow. And getting food in the winter in cold climates is a pain.
Me, load up my survival gear and my weapons and head someplace warm and humid. Take a boat and make for the tropics. The zombies will rot and not be an issue, there’s food year round, and I don’t need to carry as much gear around to survive.
Fortunately, most of the gear I need is right here in my house.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:06 am
In my head:
I plan to continue my training on Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil 5. Once I’ve mastered the veteran levels, I will build my shelter and stockpile my weapons.
Most likely scenario:
Zombies will tear down my door while I am in the middle of a really hard level and eat me alive as I scream, “There’s no achievement for this!!!”. Xbox eventually catches fire and burns down my block… world ends.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I’ve got food, guns, ammo. Good to go until the zombies rot and melt down two weeks after the attacks receive media attention.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
We are all screwed if (when?) the zombie apocalypse comes. Have you not seen 28 Weeks Later? That annoying boy and that snooty girl doomed the whole fucking human race because they wanted to go see their old house. There are people like that EVERYWHERE.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Hey, guess what, people? This was an article just for fun, and the last plan was totally hypothetical and in good fun. SO QUIT BITCHING.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:54 am
and my girlfriend thinks i crazy for have a zombie plan, we will see who she turns to when it happens. lol
April 15th, 2009 at 10:53 am
You’re gonna die anyways…have some fun…forget guns…knives and swords…you’ll never run out of ammo…just kill as many as you can before you die.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Haha, i love ya man but, Jeff he def raped ur plan and didn’t even bother to cuddle after wards. Good one though.
Mine is a lil tougher because i attend a major university and my apartment is only a mile away(that can be a blessing or a curse). I hunt so i have both a rifle and zombie repellent(aka shotgun) with plenty of ammo, i also have a thick metal bat and a machete. My plan would be to make it to my apartment and wait at least a few days to decide what kind of zombies im dealing with. Since im on the top floor of a 3 story building i can barricade the doors and windows until i am ready to move. I have a fair amount of canned goods at the ready and again, since i hunt i have a good amount of batteries, flashlights, camping stuff, and survival gear. As soon as i gather my things, i will hit the road and head south to Dothan, of course killing as many undead as possible along the way. Once i reach home i will enter my house cautiously and retrieve only what weapons and food i need. Oh and i guess grab my family members also, if they are still alive. From there we will proceed southwest where we will find and commandeer a plane from the numerous airstrips in that area. Since we are located in Southern Alabama, its a lot easier to fly to the bahamas or one of the surrounding islands than to canada. Plus there is a great chance the infection has not reached them yet. And if it has then at least they are contained on a small area.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:47 am
fly to canada, most zombies cant defy the laws of physics, cant chase you if they are frozen solid. unless they are the nazi zombies from dead snow, somehow they can with their magical nazi black magic and all.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:43 am
kickass i made it into the article!!!
April 15th, 2009 at 10:43 am
What about the Desert Eagle Stratagem?
April 15th, 2009 at 10:42 am
I have quite a few things to say about the impending zombie apocalypse that were unrealistically neglected in each of these contingency plans.
Food:
A unifying theme among many of the zombie plans was to go out to the store and pick up some guns food and go shopping during the middle of it all. These are zombies not kittens with bad attitudes. Shopping is not an option because whether the infection has reached you yet or not, there is going to be mass panics of people heading to Walmart, and every other grocery store. Just like when Florida has a hurricane, everything sells out immediately and people panic. There are going to be far too many cars on the highway to drive anywhere. So unless you want to walk to the place voted most likely to get the next infection. Your pretty much dead before you started.
Travel:
I already mentioned how impossible it was to drive, I’m going to extend that into all the forms of travel. The only remote possibility for driving would be to have a motorcycle because you could fit where other cars couldn’t such as on sidewalks and in between the cars in parking lot that used to be an expressway. However you are far more exposed to the outside, and even if the people around you are not infected, you think they will let you cruise on by allowing you to survive while they sit in their cars waiting to die. You’ll be shot by a panicked mob within 5 miles.
Air travel is also a risky element of a contingency plan, for several reasons, you need pilots, runways and the previously mentioned fuel. Metropolitan airports are completely out of the question, as they are most likely to be immediately infected. So you need small airports and usually small airports come with small runways So no large planes for you and all your “homies” this is assuming you can even pilot a plane, if you don’t know anyone who is pilot, and has a plane because your probably not the first person to think lets go get a plane. You will probably be shot trying to steal somebody else’s plane or you’ll crash thinking Microsoft flight simulator could teach you to fly.
The final mode of travel is by sea,which is by far the safest as there is far less traffic, more accommodations for high traffic, and no limitations on destinations once you reach the ocean. Assuming your vessel is capable. As this is a key element of my own zombie contingency plan I’m not actually going to go into to much detail regarding the details in case anyone crazy enough should try to steal my boat after realizing the merit in my plan. What I can say is that I live on my vessel and it is already in the water, It already contains at least a years worth of MRE’s as well as a large collection of fishing equipment, as fish are an unlimited source of food. Water is the only way to travel and the zombie population is significantly reduced on the ocean(try like 0) So for the people not already in their ideal anti-zombie paradise such as myself your dead because you were not ready for the panic surrounding a zombie apocalypse which defeated the purpose of planning.
Guns:
A lot of the other contingency plans mentioned weapons, more specifically guns. It is important to understand that having a big sword, ax, machete, or any other blunt object is not an acceptable method of zombie disposal. As you will be coming within infection range of the zombies, attacking them with a blunt object will most likely result in your own infection. If you have every been in a fight in school, you understand that it is pretty much impossible to not get a cut, or scrape, or bleed somewhere. These open wounds are begging for infection, especially if your spilling zombie blood like a Roman Gladiator.
Pretty much every single plan mentioned going somewhere else to find guns, stores, crazy uncles, and friends whatever, this is not an acceptable way to obtain guns. If your crazy uncle, friend or a store has guns, they are going to keep them, and probably be using them against the panicked people who want them and If you don’t have them you will probably be dead before you do. None of the previously mentioned plans, took into account that you could own your own guns and be that crazy uncle, or friend. I would suggest keeping several assault rifles on hand and more than enough ammunition (over 10k rounds). As these are key to the survival of the zombie apocalypse, and many other anarchistic events. (natural disasters, non zombie virus spreads, gasoline shortages, and similar events).
April 15th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Plan on your plans failing.
Remaining in the city is madness. Looting a gun store will get you shot by the owner. The food in a walmart or grocery store won’t last long since 800 other people will have the same idea. Blasting music out will only draw more zombies to you. I don’t think any old people are going to stick around you when you are feeding them to zombies.
Don’t assume you can leave the city and get yourself a farmhouse. People live there. Many of us in the country own weapons and already know how to use them. We won’t take kindly to people roaming through our fields trying to eat our crops or chasing our chickens. Expect to be shot. Perhaps several times.
If you don’t have it before the outbreak then chances are you aren’t going to get it afterwards. Leave the city as quickly as possible. The longer you wait the greater your chances of never getting out. Be flexible and travel light. Offering to work for a farmer for room and board will get you much further than trying to take things.
When you get somewhere fairly safe don’t be telling stories of how you shoved a little old lady into a group of zombies to save yourself. You may end up with a bullet in your head. Doing stupid things will cause your death.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:36 am
It’s incredible. The thought that went into these plans that is.
Me?
I don’t need to hatch a plan. I’ve printed these out and tacked them to my office wall. When the zombies come, I’ve got lots of references.
Thanks for a very cool article!
April 15th, 2009 at 10:31 am
viral induced rapid neurogenesis? more likely to form a tumor than a hyper-intelligent zombie. That’s not the way rabies works (rabies being the prototypical model for a zombie virus).
Reminded me of an essay where you don’t know what the answer is so you throw in ever little irrelevant factoid that you learned (oxygen being the final electron receptor? IRRELEVANT).
Better luck next time.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
The “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” stratagem sounds pretty good.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:28 am
The “Uh…what was that first part again?” Stratagem is wholly unscientific as it is based on pure speculation rather than evidence.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:24 am
The last one said that the zombies were super-intelligent. Then it says those zombies would die of dehydration in a desert environment because they would not seek water. For a well-thought out scenario, it has plenty of holes.
Fun fact: since the zombies would re-route blood flow to muscles, the brain, and other vital organs, and since they can reproduce by infecting another human being, the infected humans would have their reproductive organs wither and die. External genitalia would suffer severe necrosis and fall off.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:20 am
My definition of zombie gets looser everytime I see someone obsess over hannah montana.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:18 am
She’s right. Saskatchewan is virtually zombie-proof. One million people, 200,000 miles squared, and cold as fuck in the winter. The zombies would starve or freeze ‘fore they got me. And ’sides, most everyone I know has plenty of guns, anyway. And chainsaws. A lot of us have chainsaws.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Full body mithril and a lightsaber, that’s all you need to survive the zombies.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
My plan:
I have an attic that connects to all 4 quarters of a quadraplex. I have enough canned food to last for a pretty good while and I have a sword, a machete, and various other blunt weapons readily available. I will make for home and hole up in the roof. Moving food and the like upstairs. I will have access to the dry goods of the three other apartments eventually and I could live quite comfortably for a few months that way. If after a few months there is still no relief I will have to journey out for supplies and to probably wreak some zombie havoc until my end because if we can’t solve this thing in 3 months, we’re probably not going to.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:08 am
[...] More zombies on Cracked.com Jump to Comments Here’s an article from today’s Cracked.com about surviving a zombie attack. [...]
April 15th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Hey! I don’t want to hear any shit being talked on Utah. Yeah Mormons are kinda weird but they sure as hell know how to deal with a crisis. As a member of that church, they are REQUIRED to have a 2-year food and water storage. With a Mormon population composing around 70% of the state, and even assuming that not ALL of them have one, we will still be able to support our entire population for almost a year on personal food stores alone! Additionally, Utah is a very “red” state so most everyone owns a couple of guns and actually know how to use them. We have difficult to scale mountains, and very arid desert, as well as fertile farmland, so it doesn’t matter which kind of zombie we are dealing with we will still have somewhere to go.
This is all not even mentioning the underground polygamist colonies in Central and Southern Utah. There are entire self-sufficient communities blown out of the mountains down there. Talk about fortifications! Communities INSIDE the mountains. With independent water sources, solar power, and massive farms and gardens. Sure, you will have to hang out with the polygamists and they are even stranger than Mormons (common misconception, polygamists are not Mormons), but hey, I could definitely deal with strange people if it meant not dying in a zombie apocalypse.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Oh, and blades, lots of blades.
And some rather high-density explosives.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Tanya is apparently semi-retarded and has never taken a science class above biology 101. Thank you for completely butchering neuroscience.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:49 am
You’re all coming up with very amusing ways of dealing with the zombie-pocalypse, but my approach is considerably simpler: I’ll keep hitting CTRL-Z until before the zombie outbreak, then kill the shit outta the people responsible before they actually outbreak the shit. Minority Report-style, bitches.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Guns, lots of guns.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:46 am
i also keep a zombie at home; under my bed, in case i need some extra lovin.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:45 am
screw that im going to Madagascar at the first sign of a zombie outbreak if you have ever played pandemic 2 you know why if not then play it
April 15th, 2009 at 9:44 am
When I ponder this I think of the great quote by Abraham Lincoln,
“Four score and seventy years ago our fathers brought forth this condiment, a new nation, conceived by McDonalds, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are worth their weight in hamburgers.”
April 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
my plan:
i’d have to say i’d stay in my house. i live upstairs of my dad’s shop, which has heavily barred windows and a fully surrounded by bricks and a high barbed wire fence on once side. the shop has electrical appliances so basically, we wouldn’t freeze or get too hot, and never get bored. ha. also there is a thick metal door that can be locked that separates the shop from the house. JUST IN CASE zombies SOMEHOW got through thick metal bars bolted to bricks.
dad used to be a gun salesman as well so he could have a few old ones lying around or something. (they could come in handy in case zombies can somehow tunnel through concrete or climb walls.. zombie spiderman?)
as far as food goes theres a supermarket around the corner from my house, and as to not risk going outside; i can lower a ladder out of my window and walk all over the rooves of the houses until i get to the road about 300 meters away. which gives me access to any medication i might need (pharmacy), food (supermarket), clothing (really awesome dress shop), plus anything else i could want. and so i wouldn’t have to actually climb down into these shops i could just cut holes in the iron roofs with one of those flame torch things (which dad has, because he’s also some sort or freak handyman - also handy in this situation) and grab things with some sort of home made grabby hand.. or a pole with double sided tape forming a ball on the end. (incase there were zombies inside.)
i would, of course, call up any friends or family that needed help and say that if they could get to my place they could jump the fence (with a thick blanket) and then i would proceed with a full body check for bites. (and if they had any i’d set them up for sleeping in the back yard and then kill them once they were zombified from the second floor window. you have to be cruel to survive right?
if worst came to worst we could all pile into dad’s range rover, break through the fence (zombies squished in our wake) and drive down to the motor yaught club about half a k from our house, where dad conveniently owns a boat.. and go.. somewhere.. he’d know some obscure island just off the coast we could invade and live on forever.
gosh now i’m almost looking forward to a zombie apocalypse..
April 15th, 2009 at 9:36 am
human sized hampster ball
April 15th, 2009 at 9:35 am
What about other human survivors? A lot of these plans involving going to a big store to get supplies and guns and stuff. What if other people have already gotten there first and don’t want to let you in? What if you’re assaulted by an angry gang of Purple Panthers while fleeing the Bay Area? Not everybody will have a well-defined plan and soon they will fall into chaos.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I’m one step ahead of you guys, i came up with my own plan a few weeks back!
http://jspiotto.blogspot.com/2009/02/surviving-zombie-apocalypse-step-1-have.html
April 15th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Zombies don’t climb ladders.
Zombies can barely open a door.
My plan? Grab food, turn off the gas, loft ladder down, climb up, ladder up. I have water up there from the tank, and the only things that could cause me to come down are running out of supplies or a fire spreading from another building. That gives me plenty of time to smash a hole in the roof. Once the zombie routines are figured out, I can look into sending my expendable family on scavenging missions to the local shops - traveling by rooftop as far as possible, decending only when there is no other option.
Even zombies can’t defy conservation of energy: Sooner or later, they have to starve.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Whoops, looking at the other comments my first point was mentioned already, and there have been a couple other points I hadn’t really noticed. Although now I’m forced to ask: Who made this virus, and why? Is it supposed to be a weapon? if so, why would you engineer a germ weapon that replicates neurons? Viruses don’t make a habit of improving their host’s systems either, they run roughshod over a host to make viral copies (which usually destroys the cell used to make them, though some viruses “bud out” of the cell wall rather than lysing it) and making cells replicate is a waste of energy the virus could be using to copy itself. A virus might, however, switch on genes in your own cells to start producing the specific hormones that make you want to seek out other people, and hence new hosts, since this would actually benefit the virus. Opportunistic little bastards that they are.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Tanya, love your ideas. Best biological discussion on zombie-ism I’ve heard. You’ve got a couple of problems, though, one of which Ciansy very astutely pointed out.
1. In the event that the virus was able to induce proliferation of CNS and spinal cord neurons that correctly integrated into the synaptic circuitry, the energy requirement would be astronomical.
2. It’s unlikely that a virus would be able to pack the amount of RNA necessary to completely reprogram a terminally differentiated neuron to a proliferative, more stem-like state and induce the pathways necessary for correct differentiation, maturation, and integration. We’re talking quite a few genes either needing to be overexpressed, silenced, or mutated.
3. Let’s assume for a moment that the virus is capable of inducing neurogenesis and integration to the extent you describe. If the virus’s sole purpose is to spread itself, a super-intelligent zombie would not be the best use of its energies. The amount of time necessary for proliferation, maturation, and synaptic integration would be at least a month. Furthermore, while a hive mind approach would be extremely effective, most individuals would only require rudimentary brain, mostly hind and midbrain, enough to facilitate basic bodily functions and recognition of commands.
4. Furthermore, it’s not entirely correct to say that a virus can live forever. While viruses are pseudoliving, they are composed of proteinaceous capsids that, under unfavorable conditions, can denature. For instance, HIV’s half-life is roughly six hours in serum; outside the body is significantly shorter.
Still, though, cool idea! I’m heading to the desert too!!
April 15th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Having had many recurring apocolyptic dreams in addition to regular recurring zombie dreams, I know exactly what I would do here. Unfortunately none of the above posts address this option.
I would pretend to be one of them. A zombie. It worked in my dream just fine. This would allow me to take my time ambling on over to my neuropathologist (he spends plenty of time on dead people’s brains and is sure to have insider information on the outbreak) uncle’s farm in Kentucky where he lives and hoards massive amounts of guns and ammunition for fun. There, hoping he hasn’t joined the ranks of the undead quite yet, we would set up post and live off of protein shakes and rice and theorize a cure.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
also….i hate everyone trying to turn your post into some kind of nerd-off about “facts”
April 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I like Tanya Silander’s plan, but there are a couple of problems. Viruses cannot actually “live” indefinitely outside a host, they are made of proteins and nucleic acids and, as such, will degrade eventually. Of course, high virulence viruses (like this one) tend to be capable of surviving externally for much longer than more benign viruses, and since we’re talking engineered virus, we can assume it was made so that it can last a damn long time.
What I take greater issue with is this: “viral particles are pseudoliving and can enter a dormant stage if not active in a cell (such is the case when they are housed within a water molecule, such as on a humid day).”
No. Just, no. I think you mean to say a particle or body of water. A water molecule is substantially smaller than a virus; a virus is made up of a whole bunch of molecules, including water. A virus is the smallest type of pathogen, but it is still nowhere NEAR as small as a molecule. even the smallest conceivable protein, NH2CH2CONHCH2COOH (A dipeptide of two glycine amino acids) is still several times larger than water (H2O).
April 15th, 2009 at 9:15 am
My plan is simple. I have very little faith in humanity as it is. And when zombies attack? Forget about it! I would merely find a gun, put it to my head, and pull the trigger. Why spend months going out of my mind thinking about how I had to shoot my zombie grandma in the face? Not to mention the feeling of panic when I run out of supplies in my bunker. And all that reminiscing about how great things used to be (and would never be again)? I would simply end up wishing that I hadn’t used that last bullet…
April 15th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Glendoor - Your plan is the shit!
April 15th, 2009 at 9:15 am
i love you, tanya <3
April 15th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Oh man, something I wrote actually made it into a Cracked article?! Awesome. Thanks Brockway!
April 15th, 2009 at 9:09 am
I would be a zombie Warlord.
I would teach the zombies to follow me (via the “when you follow me there are more people to eat” strategy) and terrorize the fuck out of any survivor settlements that had people I didn’t like holed up in them. >=D
Seriously though, excellent posts, all of you.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Meh.. I’m just moving to Canada. Canada doesn’t get zombies right?
April 15th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I love how half of you say you will just go to your local firearms dealer and stock up. Like they will just let you walk in and take whatever you want. Everyone will be going to the gun stores so you will just join the stampede and become a juicy little crowd for the zombies to flock to. Since you dont already own a firearm and dont know how to use it, you will get eaten trying to load the damned thing.
Buy now and stock up on ammo. If you can find it.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I agreed with a lot of the biology in Tanya Silander’s post, but I do have a few quibbles.
First and foremost, viruses do not just magically stay dormant forever in the water supply and only need to get into your body to reactivate. Viruses cannot live forever outside of a cell. If viruses are not provided with a living host cell, they will eventually die in the environment. This is why you can’t get infected with HIV from drinking water. Viruses are pseudoliving, but they still have specific requirements to not be destroyed. They can’t pseudolive outside of a cell, and they end up dying.
Second, there’s no medical basis to assume that the virus would make the infected super-smart by replicating neurons. That’s not how viruses roll. Now, viruses WANT to pass their genes on to new hosts, and they tend to. But a virus as serious as one that would zombify people would also have some serious health effects that would probably kill the infected long before any tactical strike team would. Why? A little thing called the immune system and “dear sweet Jesus your cells are now operating in ways they were never meant to, causing terrible damage.” Milder viruses like the ones that cause the common cold just give you the sniffles, but it still weakens you as your body tries to fight it off and your cells suffer and die under the tyrannical reign of their pseudoliving overlords. Serious viruses like ebola make you bleed internally and die in horrible pain. And let me tell, if we ever managed to create the technology that would engineer a virus that highjacked the entire central nervous system WITHOUT resulting in things like paralysis, hemhorragic fever, and death, it would not happen in your or my lifetime.
Also, everything Ciansy said.
Also, moonspeak.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:00 am
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April 15th, 2009 at 8:57 am
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April 15th, 2009 at 8:54 am
So, that was funny. However, am I the only one that found the following awfully surprising?
By Meagan (my girlfriend)
Tranny, Brockway, or beard?
April 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
hate to be the party-pooper but…
You know those survivalist types (with the horde of guns and ammo) that a the planners want to include on their team? Yeah well, it’s been my experience that they tend to be fuckwads of the first order. I have a neighbor like that and he’s the creepiest asshole I’ve ever met in my life. I’d rather borrow three bullets to take myself and my children out, than live with or take orders from that douchebag.
And suppose your survivalist friend isn’t a fuckwad. Well, when their resources and skills put them in a position of power over everyone else, they’ll probably turn them into one pretty quick.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
plagiarism is rampant in this post
April 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
ok so i live in alaska and yes this would be a great place to get away from the zombies…..there are little islands and plenty of small planes and boats to get to them…there are also plenty of small villages that are only accessible by plane or boat….BUT there are some issues i’ve considered 1st- there are large animals here- grizzly bear, wolves, etc. that could become infected should the horde get this far and it get REALLY fucking cold here…..just some things to think about
April 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Of the options listed, the ‘I’m on a boat’ strategem is my favourite.
But I’d really prefer the ‘Gettin’ the hell outta dodge in a Nissan Cube’ stratagem.
#thehypercube
April 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Basically if you live in the American southwest you’re set. tons of people with guns, TONS of easily defendable terrain, extreme temperatures and proximity to urban areas (think supermarkets, costcos and other big retailers) make it one of the best places to be in such a case.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:44 am
i don’t give a shit about biology
great article
April 15th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I live in the Phoenix metro area, in Arizona. My contingency plan involves going out to the Arizona Tactical Firearms, getting a few assorted firearms and the necessary accesories to keep them functioning, as well as as many rounds and extra magazines as i could get my hands on. From there, i would rush back home, pack my 100 liter expedition pack with the essentials for a long term trip(food, water filter, tools, etc.) , and from there i would go to the superstition mountains and get to the top of the mesa, where it is a very large, flat area with high visibility in all directions. From there I’d set up a semi permanent camp, returning to the city every now and then for fresh supplies (seed, water, etc) to make my camp as self-sustaining as possible. Anybody that has been to the Supes knows that its a tough hike, with lots of rocks and innumerable bottlenecks. Unless you’re some kind of super-scaling action zombie or spider-zombie you’d have a tough time getting up there. Plus if the heat doesn’t finish you off, I would!
April 15th, 2009 at 8:40 am
My Plan is to always be around a group of people I am faster than. Check out LostZombies.com We are here to document the impending zombie apocalypse
April 15th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Tanya stole that shit from WWZ by Max Brooks.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am
holy motherfucking shit, tanya, please right a short story/novel/script or something.
god damn that will be awesome
April 15th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I am so glad to see how many people see the imminent threat of the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Extremely well thought through, especially Tanya’s (even though it hurt my heart a little to read that the Z’s might be smarter than us). I am here mainly to reassure you, though, Tanya. As an LDS (Mormon) guy from Utah, I promise that we will be here for you, and we WILL survive. Most everyone I know has MULTIPLE weapons and plenty of ammo (lots of us can even make our own ammo, and we do it sober). We are in a desert, and it gets plenty cold during the winter. Most parts of utah are sparsely populated and once you get out of the city it is easy to survive if you know what you’re doing. You can definitely rely on us.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:21 am
grab weapon, and side of computer case (its big enough to be a shield with fucking sharp edges.
remember i’m madly inlove with a girl and grab a car.
go find her, or stay in town killing zombies till i kill her as a zombie and am able to move on.
grab that dudes skyline.
i don’t expect to live much longer after that, give me a skyline and metallica and i am most likely to explode with joy.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Rob, it’s me Meagan. I’m leaving you.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Sure, Jennifer Bonesteel is an awesome name…, but what’s she look like, and how big are her cans?
April 15th, 2009 at 8:02 am
“I can understand looking at a Zombie in a realistic fashion and applying biology to better understand/simulate it but the science world is always being flipped upside down with creatures doing things that completely contradict what our said rules of biology say”
Not really. There are surprises and stuff, but nothing contradicts the fundamentals.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Ciansy is right in everything he says, but I think tanya just didn’t put in those details because she didn’t know about them, and zombies are unrealistic anyway so I cut her some slack. However, I think the most unlikely things about her story is a virus which infects the CNS as a strategy, it would never evolve because the CNS is a a dead end. reproductively. I supose you could manufacture suh a virus artificially but I don’t think science is anywhere close to being able to achieve something like that yet.
April 15th, 2009 at 8:00 am
ya cool
April 15th, 2009 at 7:55 am
So yeah did everyone catch the Fallout 3 = zombie survival guide…..listen ive effed with guns before there is no way in hell im salving a gun and using it to repair another…..not even with a pip boy and 100% repair skill you ass……and zombie scientist…..not only have you brought reality to the zombie concept but now im going to go home and shoot my grandma just to be safe…….and develop a strond sense of distrust for humanity….and probably use it to explain my exes.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:52 am
the perfect Plan is going to walmart, there is food guns and beer, and enough old people to last at least a year
+10 for rhyming
April 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I concur with some of Tanyas post except that what she has defined is not a Zombie. A Zombie will have no real cognitive abilities except for those of real simple coordination, and in no way be able to communicate; yet alone act like a hive mind. The body is dead in every way, so any sped up bodily movements is false. I can understand looking at a Zombie in a realistic fashion and applying biology to better understand/simulate it but the science world is always being flipped upside down with creatures doing things that completely contradict what our said rules of biology say. There has to be some sort of imaginiation of how to realistically create a Zombie, hell look at the Water Bear, that little creature destroys all implications of simple biology.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I will hide out in my barely used Y2K bunker and wait for the inevitable robot\computer uprising to take care of the zombies.
When the robot victory is complete, I, from my bunker, will upload the Vista operating system to all the surviving robots and computers giving them all a permanent BOD error.( the robots and computers that use Mac operating systems will be to busy hanging around coffee bars, talking on their iPhones and be to busy being douchebags to be a threat).
Then I will go to Washington DC and live out my life long dream of masturbating in the Oval Office.
The End.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
The minute news breaks of an outbreak I’m hopping into my car and taking a nice leisurely drive out to the sparsely populated wilderness of Connemara in the west of Ireland.
Set up camp on the side of a mountain, in an area ripe in the notorious pitfalls concealed by thick heather bushes.
Subsist on mutton and freshwater fish until the infected residents of any of the tiny, nearby towns have moved on, starved, or deteriorated past the point of being a threat.
Meet Jessica Alba, who was holidaying in Clifden at the time of the outbreak.
Re-populate.
All night, every night.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:45 am
My plan trumps all others, but is not for the weak of heart nor weak of stomach.
Step 1 Greased Lightning:
Strip down to underwear, apply crisco over entire body. now when the zombies try to grab hold they simply slip right off.
Step 2 Eat them before they eat you:
While not the most appetizing way of attacking the situation, but nevertheless I will endure as I run through the streets covered in crisco wearing nothing but a pink thong and a pair of Adidas high tops, eating as many zombies as possible.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Sadly, I have a plan too, and I’ve been building on it for well over ten years. I’m 18. I’ve even struck up friendships with zombie-pocolypse survivability in mind. That said, when the day comes I have an ex-military sharp shooter (who won medals for this shit), a weapons aficionado and her stash, and my own stash. We’ll drive the short distance in an SUV, and take over my old high school. It’s an old bunker, 9 floors, with caged roofs, a courtyard, and roof top gardens. There’s a water tower, and functional rooftop garden. Add on the chem labs, complete with radioactive materials, and the caged windows on the ground floor, and we’re set to wait it out. =3
(The less complicated, short term solution is to run like hell to the military bases on either side of my neighborhood. There’s one three blocks away, and another fifteen blocks away. Barring that, my bf is getting his pilots license. Australia should hold us nicely for a while).
April 15th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Brilliant writeup Tanya, but I have to take issue with one thing: the number of neurones in a brain won’t necessarily determine the cognitive power of an individual, or greatly affect any other motor or sensory capabilities. The synapses, or connections between these neurones, are more important for determining the processing power of the brain.
If human neurones were to be infected by a virus capable of making them reproduce at tremendous rates then that virus would want to have made sure there was an awful lot of sugar handy, fr’instance a massive tub of pure glucose. Even then actually getting the glucose to the brain without it reaching toxic levels in the bloodstream or when processed in a metabolic organ would be well-nigh impossible, short of intra-cerebral injection of the stuff. The metabolic demands placed on a brain if neurones continued to replicate at the rate of, say, skin cells, would be insane and most likely not worth the benefits afforded.
If there were a virus that could massively increase the rate of axonal and dendritic growth in order to make new functional connections between brain cells then that would probably be a less energy-intensive and overall more effective way of makin’ them zombies super-smart, yo.
A couple more things: more neurones also wouldn’t make for faster transmission, that would require thicker axons and greater myelination. Heightened sensory systems would most likely require alteration of the sensory receptors themselves rather than the higher-order neurones with which inputs are processed, and it’s take an awful long time for a virus to do something like that. Enhanced motor control would also require de novo growth of some pretty long axons to increase the ratio of primary motor neurones to secondary motor neurones to muscle fibers.
Finally, zombies being super-smart and all doesn’t fit with the idea that all they’d want to do is pass on the virus and so would die of dehydration. With all the brains up in they head they’d go hypoglycaemic within minutes if they didn’t have the sense to look for nutrition.
That’s my 2 cents.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Zombie survival plan… humm… well I work in a hospital emergency room in Montreal…. yeah unless canadian zombies are friendlier I’m pretty much doomed…
April 15th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Kudos, Tanya, but one thing: if the zombies are smarter than us, can’t they find a way to beat this plan?
April 15th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Zombie apoc is total bullshit, bro. It would never and will not happen. It’s all just an advertising and marketing for movies, games and storybooks. Get real, peoples.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:15 am
After the zombie infestations have quieted down, there’s bound to be a power vacuum left for several years before the American government’s fail safe goes through and the robots are released from underneath mount Rushmore to “cleanse” the land and install a new robot ruled republic. Thats where my plan comes in. With all these warlords running around, and demand for things made of bone skyrocketing, who will supply these men and women with these much needed accessories. In particular, Thrones, made of human bones. I go into the bone throne business, soon every upstart warlord in the wastes will be begging for my expertise in the crafting and maintaining of thrones made entirely of human bone. With this I will have found my niche, and will be kept safe as no warlord can be a warlord without an authentic bone throne from yours truly. ladies you know what im talkin bout.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:14 am
oh cape cod is a good place to hold up, there are 3 ways on to cape cod and they are all bridges over a deep canal, one bridge is a old train draw birdge that is usually up, making it easy to cut off from the main land. there is a gasoline power plant on cape cod so you can maintain power for a while. then when push comes to shove, you got marthas vineyard and nantucket islands to escape too
April 15th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Burny Says:
April 15th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Sure you can throw a couple elderly people at them, but the entire swarm isn’t going to be satisfied. Some will stop and feast and the others will just keep going after you.
Also - elderly people do not taste as good as youngsters.
Eric Says:
April 15th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Exactly my thoughts…
April 15th, 2009 at 7:11 am
the “Human Produce” stratagem: best plan ever
April 15th, 2009 at 7:08 am
goddamn zombies are so fucking boring.