The Worst Board Game of All Time
The Dr. Laura Game: The Online Version
Dr. Laura Schlessinger has been a syndicated call-in radio host for 16 years. She's known mostly for letting callers talk for two sentences, telling them that everything is their fault and then going on a rant about people like them. We owe a lot to Dr. Laura because she's been talking like people on the Internet since before that was an actual thing.
Three weeks ago, she talked to her first black caller. And when Dr. Laura finally talked to a real black person, she asked the woman the first thing every stupid white person asks: How come it's only OK to say the n-word if you're an n yourself!? Then she just... kept... saying it. N-word! N-word! With a hard "R"! It was so ignorant that I swear she almost flew the caller out so she could touch her hair.
It seems impossible that a 150-year-old woman was this stupid, so I think this might be what actually happened:
Since then, it's been proven that Police Academy's Michael Winslow was not behind her making it only sound like she was saying the n-word and being attacked by a helicopter. So she's spent a couple weeks apologizing. From what I understand, she was trying to make a philosophical point about how faggy it is that she's not allowed to be racist. On Larry King she explained that she wasn't "DISSING" anyone. I know what you're thinking, Anyone with that level of mastery over the Black language can't possibly be a racist! Case closed. Except Dr. Laura said "dissing" in the same way someone might fuck a jar of pickles in an unlocked room--very nervously, with a pained look on her face and certain what she was doing was wrong. Dr. Laura speaks Ebonics like a douchebag ordering a burrito in Spanish.
Every white person thinks they're the magic one who gets to say racial epithets. We're a very insecure people and it makes us feel like a part of the group when you give us permission to be racist. But you can't just jump right in. For example, if someone asks me why I seem to date mostly black girls, I don't scream, "Because they're scared of ghosts and can't hold down a job!" I have to start off by saying something about my own people like, "Because white women have mustaches" or "Clapping to the downbeat causes AIDS." After 30 minutes of that, maybe then I can finally say, "Because black women make flattering, Chewbacca-like sounds in bed." But never, ever do I get to say the n-word. I thought white people finally learned that when it cost us Dave Chappelle.
The outburst has ruined Dr. Laura's radio career, but more importantly it has ruined board game night at my house. You see, my top hobby is owning stupid shit and for many years I've enjoyed The Official Dr. Laura Board Game. But now after this n-word business, a session of The Dr. Laura Board Game sounds like Dog the Bounty Hunter reading the comments under every YouTube video with black people in it.
Let's Learn How to Play!
First, let's a look at the rules of the The Dr. Laura Board Game. When it's your turn, you roll a die that will land on PREACH, TEACH or NAG. In Dr. Laura's native tongue, these would be pronounced FLAP, FLAP, SCREECH.
If someone rolls PREACH, a player of his or her choice responds to the dilemma printed on the card. Do this while walking through your home and checking the barricades on each point of entry. Because after you're done, you'll be reading what the real Dr. Laura said. And even when Dr. Laura's advice isn't closing her eyes and screaming the n-word into the night, anyone hearing her "wisdom" has a tendency to just charge in that direction and kill anything that said it.
After you read Dr. Laura's advice, any survivors vote on whether your advice is "as good" or "not as good" as Dr. Laura's. It doesn't say what to do if your advice is "better," but I imagine that's because it's impossible.
If you roll TEACH, players are given a dilemma and a variety of solutions. Now here's the fun part: You have to guess which one Dr. Laura said! (Hint: It's the one written by a cunt.)
This category is why every game of The Dr. Laura Board Game ends in a confused fist fight. When you roll NAG, each player takes turns responding to the dilemma on a card by pretending to be Dr. Laura. Warning: You should always check the area behind you for black people before attempting this. Then everyone votes on who sounds the most like the racist radio host. Here's the problem: Even your stupidest friend will soon realize that Dr. Laura's only consistent personality trait is Bitch, so after a couple rounds the game becomes a contest of who can say the most horrible things.
OK, Let's Play!
Now that you're an expert on the subjective and bizarre rules of The Dr. Laura Board Game, play along and see if you can beat me! I'll select actual cards at random from the game that I think are based on actual callers from Dr. Laura's radio show. I'll be the picture of me. You'll be Timecop. Our first category is NAG.
Now remember, on NAG it's our job match Dr. Laura's answer as closely as possible. Here's mine:
Dear Angela,
Did you seriously call me, Dr. Laura, to get permission to be a passive aggressive bitch? You might as well ask if it's OK to use your father's phone number as your stripper name. Go ahead, but there are better, more direct ways at getting back at him. If you're going to use dad's wedding as a platform for your anti-wedding gift stance, then make them a photo scrapbook of your favorite abortions and black eyes. Or maybe you could let the guy get married without having to deal with his whore daughter's drama for just one single day?
How'd we do?
I'm not sure how you answered, but the real Dr. Laura said to buy them a modest gift. I almost certainly missed harder than you did. So this round goes to you: one point.
Our next category is PREACH. In PREACH, we don't have to pretend to be Dr. Laura. We just answer as if we had our own radio talk show and hope our advice is "as good" as Dr. Laura's. We fail if our advice is "not as good." Here we go:
Dear Caller,
If she's making fun of your clothes, her family probably has more money than yours. That means that it will be more socially damaging if you were to, for example, go to her house and have a public, roaring shit on her front steps. Her parents will have an awesome time explaining that at the Rotary Club. And what's your enemy going to do to retaliate? Shit on your steps back? Who would notice another pile of human shit in that toilet your white trash family calls a front yard? Then get a T-shirt made with her picture on it that says, "This bitch's face was mangled in a tampon factory and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
How'd we do?
Dr. Laura suggested that the caller shrug his or her shoulders and say, "Sorry about that." That's a lot like giving a bully a hand-written letter that says, "You were right to identify me as a victim." So even though I think this was supposed to be impossible, I'm giving my insane defecation scheme a rating of "better" than Dr. Laura's advice, so I move ahead six spaces. I'm pretty sure you just told the caller to choke the girl, so you don't go anywhere.
Our next category is PREACH again. So no n-words.
Dear Caller,
You told your boyfriend you were going to leave him over casual marijuana use? What a tragedy for him. I hope his drug dealer knows some uptight judgmental prudes he can hook him up with. Lady, if you're upset about him occasionally smoking marijuana, you probably think adventurous sex is doing it when it's not his birthday. You spend an hour every day complaining that he's not a unicorn. The only reason he keeps trying to finger your dry, sexless mound is because it's the only time you don't talk about cat names. You are so frigid that your vagina has 20 different words for "snow" and all of them are blood-curdling screams.
How'd we do?
Well, Dr. Laura says the drug abusing boyfriend has been dishonest for too long and has no character. She didn't really give any advice, but I guess neither did I. So by default, I'll consider my advice to be "as good" as Dr. Laura's this time. I imagine anything you said had to be better than patting a controlling bitch on the back for taking her boyfriend's only happiness away, so you get two points.
Our next category is NAG. So we pretend to be Dr. Laura again. Get started by shouting a few racial slurs at the screen.
Dear Michelle,
If you're failing with your husband and your life, you will probably fail as a mother. Are you sure you're even pregnant? You sound like the kind of person who might accidentally swallow a basketball and jump to conclusions. Listen to you: Every single line sounds like a crying baby left in a parking lot. The fact that your husband could maintain an erection during that tells me something: crying babies arouse him. So yes. You're stuck like that. You're the kind of person who would interrupt her own fake suicide to complain about the cost of razor blades, Real Talk.
How'd we do?
Dr. Laura told the lady she was stupid and that she should try church because "religion can have a very elevating impact." I wasn't even close. One point for you.
The next category is PREACH, so answer as yourself.
Dear Caller,
I say have whatever fun you can before your girlfriend realizes she's a lesbian. And then maybe get your head fitted for a helmet, because you're unsafely stupid. You called a religiously moralist radio host to ask if she liked the idea of you sticking your dong in your girlfriend's lesbian fling? Did you think she was going to give you some Bible quote about an ass-to-ass dildo, call you an n-word, and send you on your way?
How'd we do?
She absolutely didn't give a Bible quote about an ass-to-ass dildo. So I move back four squares and you get two points.
You're doing very well. I'm starting to think you might be the real Dr. Laura. Our next category is NAG, so we're once again pretending to be Dr. Laura in our response. Or at least I am.
Dear Denise,
Karate senseis can't help their dripping sexuality. When you summon ancient powers, a lot of that mystical energy is going to accumulate in the loins. You're lucky your seven-year-old son isn't pregnant. Let me tell you a story, my n-word, of when I, Dr. Laura, was young. I was 78, in a field of cherry blossom trees. The chopping sounds of karate loggers filled the air. The sensei inside of me grunted, nnnhhh, as his pelvic fireball blasted through my cervical mucus plug. Parts of me were everywhere, quivering in the night as each attempted to regenerate into my body's chosen form. The villagers thought fire could stop it. They were wrong. So you don't fucking tell me about karate, Denise.
How'd we do?
Dr. Laura advised that the caller pull their kid out of karate class and tell the karate instructor that he's "rude, crude and exhibits low-life behavior." That's a great idea, Dr. Laura. Just wildly speculate on who's responsible for your kid's G-rated potty mouth and then confront a master of karate about it. What's with white people and their ridiculous inability to sense danger?
Hold on a second--KARATE BONUS! I'm still not quite sure on how the rules of this game work, but we both move ahead to the semi-final space!
In this final round, we once again get NAG. So with your best Dr. Laura impression, respond to this caller's dilemma.
Dear Jan,
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
How'd we do?
Sorry, I sort of forgot what we were doing for a second. Let me see... okay, wow, Dr. Laura advised not only that Jan should tell her husband's wife that she's also her husband's wife, but to provide the paper work that proves it. Dr. Laura says, and I quote again, "Show her your marriage certificate and no divorce papers." Right, because if your husband's ex-wife runs up to you with their old marriage certificate in one hand and nothing in the other, that's a conversation you're going to finish. What a crazy bitch. Does Dr. Laura construct her advice backwards from domestic violence crime scenes?
I obviously get no points because I was laughing, which means:
all things are acceptable in context-
ReplyI don't run around screaming "nigger this, n****r that" because that would be stupid an offensive. Even here in Texas. But to behave as if there is NO appropriate context for such a word kinda misses the point. Like when those school districts banned Mark Twain over "Nigger Jim". Twain was using the name, and character, to make a point, but those people were so f*****g PC they couldn't grasp the message. The whole point of the name and character was to lampoon racist assholes, but these people saw "Nigger Jim" and thought,"Gee, that's racist!".
Some people can't see the forest for the trees.
This was one of the best things i have ever read
ReplyDr. Laura, hmmm. I can take it or leave it. Don't care. Everyone knows, deep down, that she was absolutely right about the n-word. Bill Cosby has said the same thing tons of times, but he gets away with it because he's black? Freedom of speech according to skin color. That's just stupid; sure as hell ain't what MLK was advocating.
ReplyOTOH she was such a rag to everyone. Belittling people isn't 'tough love'.
No one seems to complain about the fact that when I call my mom a b***h it's cool, but if you call her that to me then you're kind of a douche. Respect is contextual, as is showing the lack of it. And when you're discussing something like race where context is even more important (many racial slurs for black people literally just mean "black," it's the history - i.e. context - that makes it offensive) that gets even more complicated. This is hugely controversial... Why?
And seeing as you can call my mother a bitch, or the n-word (although that would be a little odd) and not go to jail for either, then freedom of speech is still just fine. You're just an ass, and I get to call you that and stop listening to your s****y radio show.
How the Noclip Creeper can you have a die with only three sides? I can understand a d4, and a d2 is basically a coin toss, but a die with an odd number of sides is geometrically impossible! Unless... it's using non-Euclidean geometry.
ReplyThink I just found the cosmic origin of this game.
It's a six-sided die with two of each choice printed on it.
Basic arithmetic saves the day again!
Seanbaby, you know me too well. No other Cracked writer would know that I ALWAYS choose Time Cop. In every board game. Monopoly? I pick the Time Cop piece. Clue? Time Cop killed everyone in the Bat-Cave with karate. Hungry Hungry Hippos? Time Cop eats the hippos.
ReplyI love you so much.
Listen: You're not supposed to use the "n-word" because it's a racial slur. "But Conq, black people use it!" I don't care. They're not supposed to use it either.
ReplyI agree and I am Black (thank you for not saying African-American; a lot of us are neither African, nor American). I have many Jewish and Latino friends and none of them walk aroud saying "what up my K***" or "what up my S***". It was never empowering and there's no power to take from it.
Why do Americans insist on making such a huge deal out of linguistics? Seanbaby takes the swipe at everyone (God bless him for it), but even he stumbles over political correctness and euphemistically tiptoes around the "n-word". Would spelling it out immediately get him a life membership to the Aryan Brotherhood even when he is quoting someone else?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf it's such a problem, why did you censor 'n****r' yourself?
It's so obviously not-censored that it's a joke in itself.
That wasn't political correctness so much as mocking it and stomping a boot in its face. You may want to read it all again.
"You sound like the kind of person who might accidentally swallow a basketball and jump to conclusions" That is possibly the funniest thing I have ever read on Cracked. Seanbaby, you have been blessed by the Diss Gods.
ReplyThis is hands down the funniest thing I've seen on Cracked. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a writer's work. Kudos, Seanbaby!
ReplyGod dammit, why do people take Cracked so seriously? It's a HUMOR website, yet people act like every joke is "racially insensitive".
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBecause people fail to realize that the basis of humor is laughing at the misfortunes of others. Go ahead a tell a joke that is not offensive to any group, person, or creed. Was is well received?
Didn't think so.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Who did i just offend?
Or even better:
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Sure is hot in here." The other muffin looks at him and responds, "Holy crap a talking muffin!"
(This joke is offensive to every talking muffin everywhere!)
@Mithander- The first joke implies that hunters are stupid, so probably a few of them. The second joke wasn't well received. That was a good demonstration of what fvckaccounts said. kudos.
I would say the muffin joke wasn't well received because it's a f*****g terrible joke.
Great article. :3 But, really, using "f*ggy?" Seriously?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWhatever f*g
Bishelurfer, johnny, stop being so f*ggity-giggity.
I agree, h**ophobic slurs are totally gay.
This was simply put, one of the best things I've ever read. As a long time Cracked reader, I finally made an account just to give you kudos, seanbaby.
ReplyI honestly think this n****r comment got blown way out of proportion. Maybe it was insensitive, but offence is the most useless and self-important reaction anyone can have. If people didn't like it, they can move on. Laura, catty as she is, didn't understand the difference between a culture reclaiming a word, and not being apart of that culture. She was wrong, but a more productive action would have been to respond. She's just stupid, not hateful.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesNo, she's hateful.
She's both.
Turns out that "If you don't like your boyfriend using the word n****r, than you should have married within your own race" is the kind of statement that advertisers frown upon.
f**king comments how do they work
Yeah, ain't it weird how so many arch-conservative creatures "don't understand" why you don't drop n-bombs even as it gets explained to them so many times? It's a small world.
She got chocolate in my peanut butter, though the heartless c**t will tell you I got peanut butter on her chocolate bar.
She's probably ACTUALLY racist. Only the truly racist backtrack like that.
Justin up there got it right. The "advice" was pretty fucked up and the follow up bit about black people being able to drop the n-word was not even related to the original topic, except for the fact that both questions involved black people.
The super s****y part was when she acted like she was the victim when people were upset with what she did. She was saying that her rights were being trampled on and yada yada.
Her rights weren't trampled, she just said some stupid s**t and people got mad.
Dr. Laura is a hypocrite, closet racist, s****y radio personality, and total douchebag.
f**k Dr. Laura, bro.
Wow... "c**t", huh? Sean, your picture makes you look like a man, but I guess you must just be one ass-ugly woman. Or, are racist slurs bad, but sexist slurs are somehow okay? Weird how white people have (finally) some to understand that only black people can use the n-word because only they can truly understand what it means to hear it, and yet men think it's okay to slur women in exactly the same way and it's A-Okay!
Reply Hide All See All 11 RepliesThat said, this was amazing, and hilarious, and Dr. Laura is indeed a total f**king c**t.
Here's the problem though: in my experience, "c**t" and "b***h" are used for women who are acting in certain unnacceptable or irritating ways (all Internet "make me a sandwich" bulls**t aside), like Dr. Laura. The N-word has NEVER had a behavioral or assessed attachment to it like these words do. Admittedly, misogynists DO use them out of that context and simply as harmful words, but as the 30 Rock episode pointed out, ANYONE can come up with ANY term to do the same thing.
As a man, I'm not hurt being called a "jackass" or a "dick" just because it's mostly a male-oriented word. If I'm being a jackass or dick, someone can call me it. I don't see women having the same claim of harmfulness that the N-word does for Africans. Doesn't hold up evenly to me.
I think it's sexist that you think c**t is sexist.
I call everyone c**ts. Men, women, children, I don't discriminate.
Men, women, children, animals, rock formations, meteor showers; all of these can be c**ts.
Hailey's Comet is a huge c**t.
Whatever c**t.
Shut your ass-faces before I f**kstart your heads!
I call dudes b***hes plenty of times. I've called a few c**ts, also. They're not names reserved for women.
Why is someone named after the giant killer robot from one of the most kick arse action sci-fi's ever such a prancing p***y? (p.s, sorry if my use of the word p***y as a derogative caused offence).
@ED209 "The N-Word has NEVER had a behavioral or assessed attachment to it like these words do." INCORRECT. N***r is short for "ignorant." Basically, it means you're stupid. It's gained the popular definition of referring to blacks, but black folks is not what it truly defines.
On a funny side note: Everytime you hear rappers call each other n**rs, you can now appreciate the irony. :)
@lunafae: actually, the n word derives from the latinate word n egro, meaning black. your explanation made so little sense that i must assume you're a sexually precocious 7 year old who got her facts on racial epithets from the behind the scenes footage of dora the explorer. that said, anyone who has a problem with men using the word c**t is a f*ggy p***y.
Alex, I must respectfully disagree with one of your points. n****r now, as far as use by me and my friends, exclusively is used to refer to stupid people acting in a specific way. It's not used to reference, well, even black people. Whites can act like stupid n****rs just as much as blacks, and I know plenty of black people that aren't n****rs in the slightest, acting mature and whatnot.
I understand that, like c**t and b***h, some people haven't grown up and recognized the context, but slowly, I feel that the meaning is changing.
Every board game must now come with a karate bonus. Great work SeanBaby!
ReplyI printed out this article and masturbated with it... at work.
ReplyThanks peculiar for allowing me to say pretty much anything I want without sounding creepy in the least...I LOVE SEANBABY!
Reading this (again) instead of studying. The line What a crazy b***h. Does Dr. Laura construct her advice backwards from domestic violence crime scenes? made it worth the while.
ReplyYou better study on how to place quote marks.
OH SHI-
Why do I have to be Timecop? That's worse than the shoe.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesCan we be Timecop's shoe?
No, because the shoe is buried up a time-criminal's ass.
Least you weren't stuck with the thimble...
You guys can have the shoe *AND* the racecar, I'll stick to the money bag.
Being perpetually fancy, I'll take the top hat.
WOW. Bitter much? Sounds like you've been saving this up for a long time. Did your girl leave you because Dr Laura showed them why you're a deadbeat?
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesYou're not fooling me Dr Laura!!! You shouldn't be on Cracked with your fake account that you just made to comment on this article with a fake "Wholesome" avatar pic, you should be insulting black people. For shame "Doctor", for shame!
Nice try, Dr. Laura.
Back in the kitchen Dr. Laura, and make the damn sandwich right this time.
I asked for mayo, not mustard! Go make it better, b***h!
Hahaha, everyone point and laugh at this unhappy whore that listens to Dr. Laura.
THERE'S ROOM ON THIS BAND WAGON FOR ALL.
LET'S ALL INSULT THE STUCK UP b***h.
I don't see a beer with my f**king sandwich you useless b***h. Get back in the kitchen and do it right.
I disagree with your assessment of the quality of Dr. Laura's advice and find your comment to be in poor taste.
(sandwich, etc.)
Did you seriously think i wouldnt notice that the f*****g beer is piss-hot? Go back, you stupid cunt, and bring the donuts off the counter. Except them coconut ones, they taste like shit.
If Osama could read this he would give up on his Jihad on the Unites States simply because seanbaby lives there.
ReplyGod bless you, seanbaby. God bless. :,)
Yo yo g. for shizzznozzz. word. Ice Ice out. Out G's n G....ette's be on the lookout for Cold As Ice 2: Balls!! In theaters coming 2013! Make everyone feel upside down n endangered n s**t.
English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?