The essence of competition is the reason we learned to walk upright and turn dumbass animals into footballs. But competition isn’t always a good thing. For example, our cloven-hoofed opponents are such sore losers they’re trying to kill us with biological flu weapons. Assuming we live through this pork terrorism, we may need to rethink some of the ridiculous things we’ve done in the spirit of our competitive spirit. Especially in the field of professional eating. Read more just inches below in The Top Eight Reasons Competitive Eating Sucks.
#8: It’s Not Good For You.
Lots of sports are dangerous: plate spinning, karateball, masquerade poontanging, junior masquerade poontanging… however, in sports like these, you can eliminate the danger by performing well. Boxing is theoretically safe if you punch your opponent in the face hard enough and first enough, or if you lure them onto a trap door hours before the fight. But when your fight is against hot dogs, it’s in fact more dangerous when you perform well. Millions of colons don’t lie: In the battle of Man’s Insides vs. Hot Dog, Hot Dog always wins.
According to their website, professional eating is held up to strict safety regulations. These must be unusual since, from a safety standpoint, swallowing six hot dogs is already like swallowing the front part of a gun, or mocking God in a bear cage. So I imagine these regulations involve more than a Heimlich Maneuver poster… probably some kind of body armor for the first rows of spectators to avoid any burst-ribcage shrapnel. Also, their legal department requires former champions to be bibbed and on site to eat the evidence of any detonated contestants and the witnesses.
#7: Joo Americans and Joor Decadence!
There are several steps to a chicken wing eating competition. First, you weigh the chicken wings. Next, chaos. Third, the remains are weighed to see how much chicken was ingested. This amount is generally anywhere from impossible to stupid. Finally, a messenger service makes certain that each individual starving person around the world is told to fuck themselves.
I kid, but because there are no government regulations on irony, Major League Eating does donate money to hunger-related charities. Because when you’re starving in the desert and some guy is holding a check next to a glorious pile of uneaten meat, you’re eyeballing that check. You can’t put a stamp on that burger? No? You’re… you’re just going to dunk it in a Big Gulp and snap it down your throat like a penguin. That’s cool too. Maybe you guys could have a medicine destroying race after this.
#6: You Can’t Dream It
You can’t send a kid to competitive eating camp. It would be insane. Growing up with dreams of being a competitive eater will never work because you die of diabetes at 10. Either that or your fat ass is carried away by a confused condor, the deadly natural enemy of the pig.
As a sport, competitive eating can’t really inspire you. Let’s say a casual fan is watching competitive eating. We’ll call him Competitive Eating Tony. Competitive Eating Tony has trained to eat, at least non-competitively, every single day of his life. And he knows that he flat-out can eat a maximum of seven tacos. Tony is maybe even proud of this because the bet was that he could only eat six. Now Tony sees on his TV that some chick can eat 48! Tony knows, numerically, that that’s impossible for him. He can’t train to get there, and attempting to would only core out three inches of asshole tissue on each side. So end his eating sports dreams, as quickly as they began. So he goes back to watching basketball because he knows, knows that he totally could have made that free throw.
#5: Tim Janus
Soft-spoken eat-journeyman Tim Janus’s idea of adding showmanship to the sport is wearing Ultimate Warrior face paint and coming in 16th. You can’t wear Ultimate Warrior face paint and call yourself Eater X when you’re just some shy dude that sucks. That’s like a fourth string quarterback giving himself a nickname. “Great practice, fellas! But please, from now on, call me The Razor Dinosaur!”
#4: Side Food
Side Food is the term I use to describe the pasty mash that oozes or sprays out of the side of your mouth while you struggle against your own swallowing capabilities. It’s gross. If gymnastics can dock you a point for taking a step after you do three flips, someone should be able to take a point away from you if you’re eating a stick of butter and you give anyone a view of the inside of your mouth. But this scoring penalty should only be used if the death penalty is out of the question.
#3: Seven Thousand Billion Title Holders
Tokeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut, known as Eat Monsters in the talking hot dog community, usually win competitions by a margin that would feed a small family of 70 for a week. And yet as all the other inadequate competitors are introduced, they each have a long list of world records. They might be the four-Minute Asparagus champion, hold the six-minute record for Most Mayonnaise on a Horse or hold The Peanut Allergy Council’s Posthumous Award for Excellence in Peanut Butter Sandwiching. With an infinite number of foods and seasoning choices multiplied by an infinite choice of bout durations, you’re looking at almost 300 different world record possibilities. Any person with access to Google and a grocery store can have one for at least a couple minutes.
Think of it like different fighting leagues. One organization might have 10-minute rounds or allow you to stomp on a guy’s head. But it’s more or less the same thing. And while it might be worth mentioning that a UFC fighter has 30 straight victories against children and furniture, that should maybe be left off his official fight record. Just like how your world record for some bullshit shouldn’t matter when you’re about to get humiliated in the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. “And because the good eaters haven’t made the time to eat frozen peas near someone with a stopwatch, here is the current frozen pea eating champion of central Wisconsin!”
#2: Merchandising
It’s hard to promote a sport with merchandising when it’s disgusting. If you marketed a home version, that would destroy our nation’s toilets. And you’re not going to buy a brand new competitive eating t-shirt knowing that it’s going to immediately get covered in horrible half-eaten food drippings.
One notable attempt they made at merchandising was with a Major League Eating video game. In it, you jam food in your mouth, wiggle to prevent puking and your special attack is a burp. I think Navy Seals are currently using it to train for sex with fat people. Burping on your opponent during an eating contest? That has got to be the most unsportsmanlike way to take advantage of a situation that has ever been. When you put a number of hot dogs greater than zero into a human body, the nitrates are broken down into a death-like stench only made stronger by your past sins. To intentionally unleash this onto a fellow sportsman just because you can… it’s like, well, to use a sports metaphor: It’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you.
#1: Wait, Now Fat People Can’t Do Anything!
As the sport of eating has become more competitive, one very paradoxical thing has happened: there aren’t any fat people left. And not because they were rendered for lamp oil and perfume. They simply can’t eat as fast or as much as normal-sized people. Hey, obese people, that’s got to be a wake-up call to the health risks of your condition when you can’t even fucking win at eating.
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 30th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 27th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Side food! And that last bit was awesome.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Nora didn’t read it because she’s too busy jamming burritos into her mouth. She’s gotten good, she can distend her jaw now, for more cramming. Thats pretty much All-star in the eating circuit.
September 7th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
If Nora couldn’t be bothered to capitalize her letters or spell correctly, why would she bother to read the whole article?
August 14th, 2009 at 2:00 am
I love you, seanbaby.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Shit…I wasn’t supposed to talk about that.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:19 am
So I guess you don’t wanna come to the “Punch Yourself in the Balls Over and Over” club in the basement of Lou’s bar tonight?
July 17th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Err..Nora, did you read the whole list? Number 1 actually talks about how the champs are all thin now.
I would actually feel much better about our country if we were not doing well at it. Let Japan have it. Let us keep our self-respect. If someone started a “Punch Yourself in the Balls Over and Over” competition, would patriotism make you feel good about the US housing the champ? Not I.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:38 am
every time a competitive eater chows down on a hot dog or hamburger or tin of paint or wedding cake … somewhere a fairy dies. oh, and a starving african child
July 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am
eater x is ranked 4th in the world, get your facts straight.
and have you seen juliet lee or sonya?
both very thin girls.
so is eater x, for that matter.
they can eat fast, its not liek they’re being pigs every single day.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:11 am
The last part was the best because it’s devastatingly true.
All the winners are freakishly healthy, considering what they put their bodies through.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:32 am
you’re an idiot, you exaggerate every little thing you know about MLE and make it seem idiotic. the MLE is a great league to have and i’m very proud of how our americans are doing in the world standings.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Tokeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut, known as Eat Monsters in the talking hot dog community
hardest ive laughed in a while
June 26th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
lol wtf the last part was hilarious.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I laughed so hard at this that I cried! I especially love the bob-sledding dick-sticking comparison to burping on an opponent after overeating.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
@Sugarpants.
No, actually. I’ve farted into your girlfriend’s mouth several times now
June 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Mmmmmmmm…cod….
May 26th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
tramadol drug…
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May 23rd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Beware the Phantom Time Traveler! He goes back in time and changes the past. It’s his hobby. Warn your friends and family about the Phantom Time Traveler! His actions are constantly changing your life and mine. History cannot be left in the hands of an individual! What has already been done is not meant to be undone. Petition the government! Let them know about the danger he poses. If we can convince the government of the problem, they may be able to build a machine that can detect ripples caused by time travel. Then, the next time he comes back from the past or future, we can catch him! BEWARE THE PHANTOM TIME TRAVELER! Your life could be completely ruined in the past, and you won’t even know it! You might have been rich, but after the Phantom Time Traveler changed something, you’re not, and don’t remember it! You might lose your memories of today as well! A wise man once said “Do not squander time. That is the stuff life is made of.” Surely, destroying the precious lives of others by changing their pasts of the worst thing someone could do. The Phantom Time Traveler is perpetrating an atrocity far worse than any that has come before. It is a crime against all humanity, against all life, everywhere!
COPY and PASTE this warning to AT LEAST SEVEN STORIES, or the Phantom Time Traveler will have sex with your mom in the past and become your dad!
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Crapping out a chipotle burrito is like getting reverse butt-fucked
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
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May 22nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
i think the whole ’stop hating on fat people’ movement should make sure everyone is aware of #1.
i mean, if all they ever did during the day is stuffing their face how come they are constantly beated at that very thing by skinny people?
May 14th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
And when they have to pinch a loaf, it will be the size of a Chipotle Burrito
May 8th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Nay, seanbaby. Nay.
Competitive Farting (which is the competition held after competitive eating contests) is the worst thing ever and I should know; I’m the World Champion at “Farting in your girlfriend’s open mouth while she’s 20 minutes into her REM sleep cycle”*
*Note: I’m the World Champion only because I’m the only person in the world to have done it. Don’t steal my glory. Also, buy my t-shirts and you too can bask in the glory.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Are you telling me something as the Major League Eating exists?
Terrorism won’t kill you America, fat people will.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Holy shit, this article cracked me up.
May 4th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Better.
May 3rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
allegedly Straight says, “You just wrote an article about penis enlargement and competitive eating - your career is going far.”
Actually, I agree with him. You are incredibly funny, and I have been a fan ever since I first found the superfriend’s pages, and laughed my ass off at your description of Aquaman. You will go as far as internet comedy will allow you to go.
Okay, so you may need a second job, but still, I’m a fan.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:33 am
Good old Cracked stuffs. Here are more fun videos, “Ridiculous Stunts I Learned in College” http://tv1.com/playlists/78
May 2nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Good article, Seanbaby. Your comic font captioned images make me feel young again, like I’m browsing the old Stupid Page. Good times.
May 2nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Funny article!
May 2nd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Lol that was hilarious! But the article has a point. Competitive eating is the most entertaining/stupid sport in the world! My parents always thought it was pointless. They should be distributing that food to less fortunate country’s instead of having people gobble them down for no reason!
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Joey Chestnut is totally an alum of the Colts Drum and Bugle Corps, of which I am currently a member. Obscure claim to fame win!
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Really funny article Seanbaby.
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 am
“In it, you jam food in your mouth, wiggle to prevent puking and your special attack is a burp. I think Navy Seals are currently using it to train for sex with fat people.”
……ZING!
May 2nd, 2009 at 2:57 am
To get that pissed off at an article about eating, Izco either teaches classes on taking things too seriously or he’s Tim Janus.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:41 pm
#1 was the funniest fucking thing I have read since your article about Mortal Kombat annihilation (soo… awesome!) on your website. Here’s hoping for more Broken Pixels episodes.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
This was another great article. In fact, it’s easily the best one you’ve done on Cracked thus far, Seanbaby and that’s saying a lot. Keep up the good work and keep churning out the hilarious belly laughs. On article a week just isn’t enough.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Izco’s fat. Fat people don’t have any feelings. Izco’s feelings are hurt. Paradox.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
straight say. is. OUT
May 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Nuff said.
May 1st, 2009 at 10:49 am
I don’t think Cracked is for you.
vvv
May 1st, 2009 at 10:32 am
You just wrote an article about penis enlargement and competitive eating - your career is going far. How can you criticize anyone with the garbage you put out. I bet you have had dreams of winning a Webbie for your oustanding research on penis enlargement commercials. You rip people’s photos from their websites without permission and they call you out on it - how stupid are you??
May 1st, 2009 at 9:16 am
I’m going to kill you Izco
May 1st, 2009 at 8:49 am
Funny! How dare that Tim Janus paint his face - I think that was my idea!!
May 1st, 2009 at 7:30 am
@Izco
Lighten up. Jesus Christ. You must be fat.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:26 am
This made me laugh until I cried. Your a dick, I’m in a library.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:20 am
You feel important enough that someone… anyone would take the time to read your novel, Twat?! Grow up Loser.
May 1st, 2009 at 6:01 am
I lost my penis at a hotdog eating contest….
May 1st, 2009 at 6:00 am
masquerade poontanging hehe, laughed all day at that
May 1st, 2009 at 5:15 am
“When you put a number of hot dogs greater than zero into a human body, the nitrates are broken down into a death-like stench only made stronger by your past sins.”
Classic.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:49 am
Ahh, so fucking funny.
May 1st, 2009 at 3:53 am
That was hilarious. The bit about burping actually made me cry. My colleagues were enquiring as to whether I was ok, so I forwarded them the article. Now it looks like the sprinkler system went off…
I don’t understand why so many people are getting upset, though. Seems like they can’t take a joke. Ungrateful, paedophilic, obese bastards that they are.
May 1st, 2009 at 2:43 am
There was this tiny asian girl who won all the competitive chicken wing eating competitions in my area.
One day, she will be my bride.
May 1st, 2009 at 1:20 am
@A.H.Julius: Fantastic.
@Leif& various bashers: I’m not trying to argue and your opinions are, by all means, valid. They are your opinions and a comment section is definitely the place to make them known. That being said, the reason that complainers annoy me personally is that this shit is FREE. And, to me at least, ENTERTAINING. Free fucking entertainment! You can take it or leave it, but you can’t deny that people giving you entertainment for free is an ultra-rare commodity right about now. And, for that reason and many more, I appreciate it. PeaceandI’mouttahere…
May 1st, 2009 at 1:08 am
Since all the people against this article have nothing more to say than “you suck”, i’ll give a more indepth reason of why I think this article is.. well.. fucking retarded.
8 - It’s not good for you? Since when does everything have to be good for you. There’s lots of things that aren’t good for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do them. These people choose to do this because they enjoy it, and a lot of them seem to take care of themselves anyway. There’s more to life than doing what your supposed to do, and never taking risks or enjoying yourself. Who cares if your not healthy when your older, we all die anyway. To use a point that something is bad for is not very well thought out.
7 - Unless you bag up all your uneaten food and mail to poor hungry countries every time you eat at a restaurant, you really can’t talk here. The statement itself is pretty hypocritical, and I don’t think it is very ironic at all that MLE donates to hungry children. There are plenty of huge companies that waste tons more food and resources than a single competitive eating competition. Compare the amount of food thrown away every day at a University Cafe, then make some real observations.
6 - Well it seems the average person will never be able to compete with the ridiculous amount of food professionals can eat, I guess that makes this sport retarded. But football and basketball is much better because you CAN dream it, because your chances of making it to the NBA or NFL are so much… oh wait I guess I’ll give up.
5 - Saying a sport is stupid because of one person? Hmm.. good point.
4 - Competitive eating is disgusting? So what don’t watch it. Watching fat people push each other around on muddy grass in the rain isn’t much more appealing. People still choose to watch and enjoy it, sue them. Guess they enjoy a little adventure.
3 - A reasonable point, but if that’s the best you have, WOW, you got me, screw competitive eating. But as with anything there are accomplishments, some bigger than others. Having accomplishments isn’t really a good point to dissing a sport.
2 - Some people are proud of what they do, everything isn’t about money. If you haven’t noticed competitive eating isn’t just some stupid thing marketed to the mass public for money rather than its actual entertainment value. There’s also this invention called a washing machine.
1 - Wow so apparently fat people can’t eat? I think that is what your trying to say. If your arguing for the fact fat people should be able to just be good at something without working for it, well I don’t know how to reply to that, but saying that you actually have to work at it to be good at it makes it even more valid.
This whole article seems to be written quickly and very unthoughtfully just for a quick laugh, not that its bad, because there are plenty of articles made just for entertainment purposes, but the way it was written suggest thought and planning, trying to prove a point, and bashing an entire sport along the way. I don’t think a lot of people actually found it too funny, and the whole article just seems ignorant. Next time put actual creative thought into your article than just trying to convince us that eating hot dogs is bad for you. While stating the obvious, there really is more to competitive eating than getting fat, and more to life than avoiding things that are “bad for you”.
May 1st, 2009 at 1:07 am
I have no penis either. But I think thats ok for me.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:20 am
“The essence of competition is the reason we learned to walk upright and turn dumbass animals into footballs”
That quote…it’s the first sentence I read on cracked today and I just had to stop reading because I was laughing so much…epic sentence
May 1st, 2009 at 12:16 am
Sometimes, you know, it helps, like, maybe, if you, I don’t know, separate your thoughts into these things, that are, like, called, sentences.
May 1st, 2009 at 12:07 am
Or maybe, y’know, if fat people can’t eat that much, it should be pretty fucking obvious that eating that much isn’t what makes you, or keeps you, fat, dumbass, because if it was, you could, and if it isn’t, it’s not.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I HAVE NO PENIS!!
April 30th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Absolutely brilliant. You’re going to have to do something amazing to outdo this one.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I think its funny that so many people get angry about people who comment angrily about articles here, but really all you do is get angry at something, then think up reasons to bash it. No offense, I’m sure there are some good articles on here, but judging solely from this one, you know nothing about which you speak. I have things to do, but if you want reasons, ask for them. I sincerely doubt anyone cares how wrong you are, but I thought I would try.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Pretty good article. Not as funny as some that i’ve read but good nonetheless. Pictures were fucking great tho.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
well done seanbaby, i was waiting to see if you would be able to find your place here at Cracked. you showed promise with the superheroes article, and astonished me with the great piece. you’re growing on me faster than a malignant tumor. keep it up, and good job again
April 30th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
lamest. article. ever.
“masquerade poontanging”?
oh! i get it!
poontang! it’s hilarious!
fire seanbaby right fucking now.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
One of the funniest damn things I’ve ever read on Cracked.
Good work, sir.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I gotta disagree with you on #6. I’ve always been an athlete and that goes along with a massive appetite. I have had dreams of competing midway through a Golden Corral session. It could be something to aspire to.
On the note of inspiration, you can’t deny the sense of pride you felt when Chestnut brought the hotdog title back to the U-S of A.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
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April 30th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
That was an absolutely amazing article. I laughed hysterically at pretty much every line.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
OMgosh dude, no way that is INSANE!
RT
http://www.anonymity.ru.tc
April 30th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
With that big hammer of yours… lightening bolts…. mmmm…. Thor.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I like this one a lot.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
I check this site more than ever now that seanbaby is here. It sucks that EGM went under but at least hes here now.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
It’s Percy. You and your ‘friends’ from Cell Block C would continually rape my ass. I see you’re out now as well. If you ever want to ‘hook up’ for drinks…
April 30th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
the only reason I read this was because I clicked the back button and the page wouldn’t load. Pretty funny article.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
You’re absolutely right. The Downers commenting on here are just jealous, and the worst thing blogging has done has given these closet dwellers a voice on the Internet. These people know they can’t write anything better of they’d just stop sucking their Daddy’s tit and do so. Maybe they weren’t hugged enough as children (or adults), maybe they were beaten up during recess. From what I’ve read from them it was all well-deserved. Send these Twats a ‘Hi… how are you? Now FUCK OFF AND DIE!’ card from neilsnotes (dot) com. (LOL!)
April 30th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
One time a pleasured a giraffe. He gave me shoes.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
awesome awesomosity
April 30th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
in the last photo, look at the bald guy on the bottom right. ARE HIS HANDS COVERED IN BLOOD????
you may have been right about the exploding thing, seanbaby.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
That was awesome, he is actually a good addition to the cracked team, loved the last photo as well
April 30th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Don’t lisen to them, I thought this article was hilarious: I loved the MLE superchair picture and the quote “not because they [fat people] were rendered for lamp oil and perfume”
April 30th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
#5 Tim Janus
what the fuck?
that wimp is attempting to channel The Warrior?
he’s going to learning the meaning of destrucity the hard way
April 30th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
not funny
you still suck
April 30th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Great article. I’ve had fantasies of seeing how many McDonald’s cheeseburgers I can eat (I’m guessing around 10), but, you know, I kind of value my aorta. If I don’t care about it later on, I think I’ll give it a go! I’ll do you a favour and not tell you about it, haha.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Laughed out loud, literally. Several times. Well done. I guess I don’t have the high standards for comedy that some Cracked readers seem to have.
I feel dumb.
Ohhh…
April 30th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
This was very good…I can see why they hired you. (Is it too late to say that? Has Seanbaby been accepted as a permanent fixture of Cracked yet?)
I would definitely shatter the record for eating Gummi Bears while watching Holocaust documentaries in a pool of someone else’s faeces. That record would be mine.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
tee hee, hee he he-he-he!
*cough*
he!
*cough*
he!
^^codycastor killing me with his comments^^
seriously, it’s too late when the comments are funnier than the article.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
And I think everybody trashing the article is just bitter because they can only eat 4 tacos.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
yeah, but i also noticed that there’s more and more praise and less hate from article to article!
people are converting to this dumbass!
is it still you?
seems so….
too much weed makes me paranoid,
but doesn’t help with seanbabys stuff one bit!
MAXCELSIOR!
April 30th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
1)It comes from around the corner–where fudge is made. (Gross!)
2)It’s like a hard fart that monkeys throw. (Gross and Funny!)
3)That’s about it really….not really much of a list there.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I attempted to read this once. Fell asleep. Went and read a different Cracked article, came back to this, and I still merely skimmed through it. That’s an accurate account. I’m sorry, it’s just the topic, it’s boring. When was the last time you heard of an eating competition in your area? How easy is it to speculate on level of gross? Just.. not entertaining, sorry. I haven’t been won over by you yet seanbaby.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Has anyone other than me noticed the ridiculous amount of people commenting on these articles in a negative manner? I mean I understand if the man mugged your wife, harmed you in some personal way, or even stole a picture of your damned flickr page, but who the hell finishes an article they don’t like on a comedy site? If you don’t like the article shut up and waste your time in a manner more appealing to both yourself and the author.
Also, Seanbaby I loved it :] Great stuff.
April 30th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
@plaster: If somebody actually came up with 8 different, unrelated reasons why shit is gross and stinky, I would definitely read that article. Twice, probably. I can only come up with about 3 reasons. And I’ve dropped approximately 10,000 deuces in my life, so I’m kind of an expert.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Hilarious. The photos totally killed me, HAHAHA!!! You have always been and will always be one of the funniest muthaf*ckas on the planet…
Nice work!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
gotta love the troll/ seanbabyasskisser and his cute shtick with the names. he´s like over everybody that even disapproves slightly with his view of seanbabys funnyness. there there, it´s okay, i acknowledge you!! fine, good boy!! teh webs are zaying you iz using them kute!!
article and seanbaby still suck btw
April 30th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
It would be much funnier if you just admitted you were a fan. I see you tried to “dumb it up” and play on stereotypes and total innacuracies so your audience would understand. But, hey try this - next time you are near in eating contest and your buddies (who are not comic book nerds) want to go watch it, tell them you would rather sip coffee cappacinos out of a shot glass and gossip about other dudes’ pants. Eating competitions are frickin awesome loser and you know it.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
100% awesome, Seanbaby.
Fuck all the idiots who don’t get it. No, wait. Nobody wants their genitals near these fools…
April 30th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Remember me? I was one of those who despised your “5 Responsible Ways To Mock Everything”.
I just wanted to say hi, no hard feelings, and while this article is much more entertaining, for which I thank you, it’s still an easy take on an obvious subject.
Competitive Eating is gross, and splitting it into 8 different reasons is like splitting shit into 8 different kinds of Why Is Shit Gross And Stinky.
Oh while we talk about shit, “6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit” is the way. It’s informative and funny at the same time, and the title doesn’t reveal the contents.
Yayayyy!
April 30th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
No really… R U talking?
April 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
okay, i admit, i really felt bad after my first comment, so i went and read the article…..
AND I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!!
YOU SUCK SO HARD SEANBABY!!!
GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!
your articles are gnizama, thats like amazing but in the wrong way.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Yawn… R U talking?
April 30th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Has anyone noticed that Jimmy Donahue keeps reading and posting comments for Seanbaby articles even though he claims to hate them? Seriously, almost every single article has Jimmy Donahue saying “You suck!” I can understand how some people might have clicked on the article, think it sucks, say so, and never come back. But this guy clearly wants you to know that his sense of humor is crazy evolved at every opportunity. What a massive dong.
Also, deimudda gets bonus points for attempting to use “tweet! tweet!” as an insult. Well done.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
fuck you seanbaby!!
not even gonna read it!!
the title sounded ridiculously bad, i saw who wrote it,
and that was that!! go back to where you came from,
be an unfunny webcelebritydumbass there,
i dont want you here on cracked!!
yeah, you heard right: I don’t want you here!
go away!
fly away, little bird!
tweet!
tweet!
April 30th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Nobody likes comic books? So I guess their printing of over the past 100 years has just been to keep the dust off of the sales shelves… you ignorant shut-in?!
April 30th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
fat people could win at a competition where they eat unhealthily for years and years. And never exercise. Fat people are gross. Also Seanbaby comic books in my opinion suck because nobody reads them or even cares mildly about them. But this article kicks ass so make more articles like this and less about coloring books.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
“It’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you.”
That made my day. Thank you Seanbaby.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Your email has made me sad.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I never ever liked Seanbaby. Seanbaby is uninteresting and unentertaining.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Problems reading English? Keep your format suggestions to yourself or you write stuff on here was can ‘comment on.’
You great big, doody-head.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
It’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you.”
that was the best part
I’m not a big fan of you yet Seanbaby, but I think youre getting there!
keep up the good work
p.s. I cant help but notice that your format is slightly different to Brockway, Swaim etc. I fear change, and suggest you correct this if you wish to keep your clientele at ease and make reading shit on the internet as easy and comforting as possible
April 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I find it funny at all the smug people who think somehow Seanbaby isn’t funny. It’s fantastic, kind of like someone staring at the Steelers saying “You’re really not that good of a football team” because you are in fact the one douchebag that refuses to conform, no matter how logical it is.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Only you, but that’s probably why you have all those convictions.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Who else has looked at all those hot dogs in all those buns and thought of titty sex?!
April 30th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
OK I haven’t laughed that hard at Cracked in a while. Well played, sir.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
No one cares what you think… fuck off.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I’ve hated all of your articles so far, and actually stated that publicly in the comments section of your last article.
You finally wrote something that I think is very funny. I’m glad I kept reading and didn’t miss out on this one. Good job Seanbaby
April 30th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Wow. I didn’t even realize eating contests were professional–I always thought it was a bunch of pie- and hot-dog-loving dipshits at the county fair.
If only I were wrong…and if only I’d made a “Razor Dinosaur” website before someone else beat me to it.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Now this article was a triumph. Years of Weinerschnitzel commercials have taught us the enemy is weak and cowardly; it’s time we faced the reality that Hot Dog always wins.
April 30th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
The Razor Dinosaur did it for me
April 30th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
You’re next article should be about masquerade poontanging.
April 30th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I miss Bea Arthur… sniffle… My ‘Fuck a Grandmother’ fantasy has died along with her… sniffle…
April 30th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
You wanted a poster, well I got you one. Here:
http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/2008/05/08-15/heim.gif
April 30th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
No shit! Funkytown… in between her servicing her Johns… go fuck your whoring Mother (it’s allowance day for you, isn’t it?)!
April 30th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
U can’t leave it just at a compliment, can you Twat-Boy?! We’ll ALL look for an article by you… you sad, fucking, wet blanket!
April 30th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I was drinking coffee while reading this, and when I saw the words “The Razor Dinosaur”, I did a spit-take all over my monitor. For serious.
Now I know why people hate you, Seanbaby. You turned me into a motherfucking sitcom cliche, you fuck! Damn you and your rampant hilarity!
April 30th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Why did I read this entire abortion of an article?
April 30th, 2009 at 11:01 am
“With an infinite number of foods and seasoning choices multiplied by an infinite choice of bout durations, you’re looking at almost 300 different world record possibilities.”
Whoa? Almost 300? That’s a really high number!
April 30th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Choppy? Choppy?? Who the hell uses “choppy” as a derogatory term for a posting in list format? It’s a list, goddamnit. It doesn’t need transitions. I thought this was one of your funniest ones, next to How to Responsibly Mock Everything.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:38 am
“talking hot dog community”?
April 30th, 2009 at 10:33 am
You took that photo of Tim Janus from my Flickr page (or possibly my Fantasy Eating Team page). I dont mind if you are writing a pro/against article on CE, but it is good form to ask for permission from the people who own the photos you are stealing. Especially when it is likely that the owner will eventually find your article.
Now that thats done with, funny article however. Way wrong on Eater X however. That guy freaking rocks.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Love you Seanbaby, great stuff.
FraggleSock, Pizza Roll Eating Champion
April 30th, 2009 at 10:11 am
fuck y’all, because this shit was hilarious:
“The Peanut Allergy Council’s Posthumous Award for Excellence in Peanut Butter Sandwiching”
it’s POSTHUMOUS!! GET IT?! GET IT!?!?!??!1111?!?!
April 30th, 2009 at 10:04 am
This article wasn’t very funny or informative.
it doesn’t really link to any sources, articles, studies like most cracked articles and just seems to be BS that the author pulled outta nowhere. Now if it were funny I’d be OK with it being BS, but since it also was just kinda dull there’s no excuse to publish this.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I really got bored midway through #6. The only Seanbaby article I read completely was the one about superheroes loosing their shit.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Hilarious stuff!
“Growing up with dreams of being a competitive eater will never work because you die of diabetes at 10. Either that or your fat ass is carried away by a confused condor, the deadly natural enemy of the pig.”
I cried from laughing so hard at that.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Seanbaby, I share your disgust with the horrific passtime of overeatting and you had some very good points and humor. You just need to work on your transitions and flow a little as it is sometimes painful to read your work due to the choppiness.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:38 am
The best eaters in the world are actually Japanese and they’re really tiny. Competitive eating is super popular there. It’s better to be a skinny professional eater because your stomach can expand without being impeded by fat. So you non-Americans can’t use that on us anymore. If I remember correctly, the world’s best eater currently is some tiny 100lb Korean woman named Sonya.
I think what they do nowadays is see who can eat the fastest rather than the most just to be safe.
I think Michael Phelps should try competitive eating. He eats a million calories a day anyway.
Seanbaby, please update your website more often. It looks like it hasn’t been updates since 2001.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I heard once that the reason Kobayashi can eat so much is because his intestines are located in a different place in his torso than most people, which allows his stomach more room to expand. Pretty sure Joey Chestnut is just a Terminator sent from the past to destroy the human race by eating all our food.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:37 am
This just isn’t funny.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:36 am
“It’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you.”
I lol’d, sir.
Being a fatty, #1 made me cry a little bit while eating my morning double cheeseburger and coffee.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:33 am
“One notable attempt they made at merchandising was with a Major League Eating video game. In it, you jam food in your mouth, wiggle to prevent puking and your special attack is a burp. I think Navy Seals are currently using it to train for sex with fat people. ”
Now, this was the best part. HILARIOUS!
April 30th, 2009 at 9:25 am
“It’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you.”
Oh God…. I actually laughed out loud while reading this
April 30th, 2009 at 9:21 am
weak.
sorry dude, but i’ll never love you like i love dob or swaim.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:10 am
“When you put a number of hot dogs greater than zero into a human body, the nitrates are broken down into a death-like stench only made stronger by your past sins.”
That explains a few things…
April 30th, 2009 at 9:06 am
“And while it might be worth mentioning that a UFC fighter has 30 straight victories against children and furniture, that should maybe be left off his official fight record.”
Without a doubt the funniest thing I ever read, Cracked is not worthy of your brilliance.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Which is weird because I loved EGM.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I don’t see what the fuss is about. This article didn’t go into any kind of detail; no facts, no links.
Plus the writing style is sub-par.
Sorry dude, I just don’t dig your articles.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:27 am
I totally would sign up for an asparagus eating competition. That would be awesome.
Also, if you haven’t seen the Kobayashi parody cartoon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPzopHNbuWM
April 30th, 2009 at 8:27 am
This is easily the best article Seanbaby’s done since coming to Cracked. Funny stuff.
April 30th, 2009 at 8:16 am
That article was epic (and this is coming from someone who is a competitive eater and should be offended by it). And you’re right, in the end, the hot dogs always win!
April 30th, 2009 at 8:11 am
“Seanbaby, I’m not the type to gush. But I think I worship you a little, and not because you and I have similar names and you even spell it right.” –Rogue1stclass
I know how you feel. I’ve been a fan of this guy’s ever since I first saw him in EGM back in 2002.
But if anything makes him worthy of worship, it’s his taste in women. Have you seen his girlfriend? GOOD LORD, she’s HAWT!
April 30th, 2009 at 8:07 am
i’m cumming in my paaants!!!
April 30th, 2009 at 7:55 am
[...] NY NC ND OH OK OR PA RI SC SD TN TX UT VT VA WA WV WI WY Canada | All challenges Cracked.com: List of 8 reasons why competitive eating is the worst thing ever.April 30, 2009 at 11:55 am by ojrifkin · More [...]
April 30th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Hey!
Fat people can out eat skinnier people.
It just takes them longer…they enjoy eating the food, tasting it, yano.
I never understoon competitive eating anyway, it’s food, does it really need to be a competition?
Funny, though
April 30th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Seanbaby … you are a comedy GOD
April 30th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I’m fucking serious! I’m not even typing with my hands right now!
April 30th, 2009 at 7:34 am
This article gave me a boner.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Oh my god, Seanbaby…
I remember when you wrote for EGM magazine — I always turned to the last page to see what game/cartoon related article you had written first.
I’m glad your legacy continues on.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:24 am
“When you put a number of hot dogs greater than zero into a human body, the nitrates are broken down into a death-like stench only made stronger by your past sins. To intentionally unleash this onto a fellow sportsman just because you can… it’s like, well, to use a sports metaphor: it’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you.”
That whole analogy is a gold mine, you’re great.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:17 am
“The Peanut Allergy Council’s Posthumous Award for Excellence in Peanut Butter Sandwiching”.
I can’t believe nobody mentioned this one yet.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:09 am
This is your best one yet, Seanbaby!
April 30th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Seanbaby,
You F***ing rock!
April 30th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Seanbaby, I’m not the type to gush. But I think I worship you a little, and not because you and I have similar names and you even spell it right.
April 30th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Awwwwww…. I wanted backseat in the Bobsled this time… sniffle….(pout!).
April 30th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I call dibs on the BACK seat of the bobsled!
April 30th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Let that be a lesson to all the Crow Zampanos, Nobodys, and Tartras out there. As long as you eat your school, brush your vegetables, stay in drugs, and don’t do toothpaste you too can succeed in competitive eating!
Good work Sean.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:55 am
“Hey, obese people, that’s got to be a wake-up call to the health risks of your condition when you can’t even fucking win at eating”
Fucking priceless…
April 30th, 2009 at 6:48 am
I think you’re burying the lead here or at least omitting the biggest reason it sucks, Seanbaby.
Kobayashi is a tiny man. As such, his metabolism must be extremely efficient. HOWEVER, even if he could metabolize 20 of the 57 hotdogs he puts down before they make their way down his GI tract, what happens to the rest of them?
The thunderous evacuation of his bowels would have to be like an upside down volcano. His toilet must use like 300 gallons per flush.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:44 am
“Finally, a messenger service makes certain that each individual starving person around the world is told to fuck themselves”
That was brilliant
April 30th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I’m wanting to vomit and laugh hysterically at the same time.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Finally, a messenger service makes certain that each individual starving person around the world is told to fuck themselves.
Hey, obese people, that’s got to be a wake-up call to the health risks of your condition when you can’t even fucking win at eating.
You sir, are a fucking legend.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Better than before but still not great.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:34 am
F U, Seanbaby, I’ll never be able to eat another hog dog again. Reading this was def worth it tho.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:31 am
This is guy is freakin great. My coworkers don’t know what is going on with me I am laughing to hard. Greatest quote
sports metaphor: it’s along the lines of waiting until your team is safely inside the speeding bobsled, then taking your dick out and putting it in the man in front of you
April 30th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Damn, that was funny. I was laughing for two straight minutes at “First, you weigh the chicken wings. Next, chaos. Third, the remains are weighed to see how much chicken was ingested.” Not to mention “attempting to would only core out three inches of asshole tissue on each side.”
Simply outstanding.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:06 am
WHY?!?!?!?!?
WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME?!?!?!?
STOP WRITING!!!
April 30th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Yea, I can eat loads believe me, I’m not fat, but I am tall and broad built. but I can be out eaten by this little weasel of a man who used to work with me. Freaky little bloke that he is.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:04 am
The dude on the right in the “I”M CUMMING IN MY PAAANTS!” picture… Is that blood on his face and hands? It is, isn’t it?
God damnit, he’s given up on the pie and now he’s just eating the other competitors
April 30th, 2009 at 6:03 am
When I went to America in 2006, the World Cup final was on, but the people we were staying with (unwisely) didn’t have a TV, so we had to go to a sports bar to watch the match. When we got there, there was a crowd of people watching the Competitive Eating Championship, and threw a hissy fit when we asked them to turn it over to a proper sport. Thankfully common sense prevailed and I got to watch Zidane perform the most badass foul ever.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Not a bad read; it was filled with humor and hilarity. I also like shots at fat people. Take that fatty!
April 30th, 2009 at 5:58 am
“Can Abdominal Fat Act as a Restrictive Agent on Stomach Expansion? An Exploration of the Impact of Adipose Tissue on Competitive Eating.” by Ed Kratchie posits that the fat acts as a girdle that stops the stomach stretching.
Great article. Nearly started to cry laughing at the #6 line ‘core out three inches of asshole tissue’.
Actually did cry at ’side food’, because it exists and somebody invented a fucking term for it.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Strangely, this article makes me want to have a hot dog.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:28 am
i LOVE the bobsled joke - nothing like some forced sodomy humour in the morning
April 30th, 2009 at 5:23 am
Very funny!
April 30th, 2009 at 5:08 am
@MSJ I don’t know for certain since I’ve never competitively eaten. However, being a skinny person, I can attest that I have consumed impossible amounts of food at times due to having a superhuman metabolism that can handle it. I’d suspect it’s something like that.
April 30th, 2009 at 5:07 am
“I kid, but because there are no government regulations on irony, Major League Eating does donate money to hunger-related charities.”
OMFG that was such a great line! Thank you!!
April 30th, 2009 at 4:50 am
Yes, why is there no fat people in eating leagues? You need to be healthy even for this, it seems.
Still, look at the champions. How the hell do you fit 40+ hot dogs into them? Are they like Transformers that can hide their mass somewhere? Are they black holes?