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The Science of Sexy: 5 Tips to Make Yourself More Attractive

Finding a date isn't easy for many people. Sure, you Imagine if you're some kind of introvert, or CHUD, or a shut-in of an Internet comedy writer ... are you supposed to join online forums and talk about your love of anime and bug collecting until the one day someone who bathes regularly and doesn't have night terrors about "the institute" signs up and says hello to you? Heck no! You're supposed to exploit every single quirk and oddity science says can help you be more appealing to help you find at least one human who won't fall asleep every time you start talking about your theories on the similarities between Warhammer and Pokemon. Yes, there are scientifically tested ways to be more appealing. Yes, they are more surprising and varied than the old reliable "put on a nice smelling fragrance so people think you smell good." Yes, they're a lot easier than you think. For instance ...

Master Your Facial Hair

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Men and a select group of hirsute ladies are burdened with an ever-lengthening shag that oozes from their faces like the blob squeezing its way through a pasta strainer. Some choose to allow this growth to Duck Dynasty itself all over the place in the form of erratic and ghastly beards that collect food scraps and small birds, while others choose to do what that guy in The Hunger Games does and use an electric trimmer to shave a geometric mental breakdown on their own faces. Some simply remove it all. But not so fast! Science tells us we can use that old-growth Connecticut Valley shrubbery to our advantage when it comes to boudoir adventuring.

According to sensual research conducted in Australia, so you know it's life-or-death awesome, women rate heavy stubble as the most attractive kind of facial hair a man can have, above full beards, light stubble, and clean-shaven. Rick from The Walking Dead is a nonstop Big O for the ladies. Plus, it's great for scratching itches!

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Or scrubbing those difficult pans!

Why so sexy with stubble but not a full beard? The hypothesis is that it's a balance of masculinity and aggressiveness. With stubble you look manly and mature. With a full beard you look like dad or a crazy mountain cannibal, neither of which ranks particularly high on the average woman's scale of sexual attraction. With no stubble or just light stubble you look like a desperately hormonal tween who couldn't find a woman's happy place with Sherpa guides and a GPS. So get yourself to that furry sweet spot of lust and watch the ladies roll on in. Or at least not cringe in revulsion when you walk past.

Don't Smile (Unless You're a Woman)

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Guys, what's your first reaction when you see a hot lady person across the pudding line? Do you drop your eyes like a palsied eagle dropping eggs, or do you flash your pearly whites in an electrifying grin that would make even the most pious of nuns quiver? Well, it better be the former, because the latter isn't nearly as charming as you think.

Sociologists in British Colombia, Canada's hotbed of sex science, conducted a study that showed men who smile are less attractive to women overall than men who opt for a more brooding or swaggering expression, which you can safely assume means men who act like vampires or pirates are where it's at, and, let's be honest, that makes sense in Hollywood terms.

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It'll take a week to wash all that goth off of her neck.

On the other side of things, it turns out smiling women are the bee's knees to most men, while a woman who demonstrates pride and confidence through facial expression, presumably by way of a triumphant sneer or chewing on the arm of one of her victims, is considered undesirable, and we won't blame you for going straight to the comments and calling that sexist right now.

So why is a smiling man so damned unappealing? Why is Pennywise destined for loneliness? Because men who smile are judged to be more feminine and less dominant. Maybe that's why the Joker committed all those crimes: he was just lonely. Poor fella.

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Get a Dog

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Do you know why Voltron was so successful? Unlike you, it was five people in powerful, colorful, cat-like robots. You can't hope to be anywhere near that awesome walking around in the cat-less flesh sack you call a body. Not alone. That's why you need a dog; it's simple math. You and a dog are more powerful in all ways, including seduction, than you are alone. Voltronenomics don't lie.

Science and religion tell us that Bradley Cooper is a handsome man, and even a straight online comedy writer might want to hold him ever so close because he looks like he wears cologne that smells like chopped wood and would be warm and comforting like grandma's chicken noodle soup poured into a bowl shaped like a man with the most charming and rugged smile you ever swooned over. But if you gave Bradley Cooper an adorable wiener dog, well, now you just have to give up being straight and bed him this instant in an urgent yet gentle and fulfilling way. I mean, I think that's how it works.

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The white-hot face of lust.

According to a study that compared dudes asking for things like bus fare or phone numbers without a dog and then with a dog, men are three times more likely to score a phone number if they have a dog with them. That's impressive as hell. The numbers break down to about 1-in-4 women asked giving over their numbers to a dog walker. Think of how many you could rack up in a day at that rate? Several, probably! Unless you live at an all-boys school or in prison or something, in which case you've got bigger problems to deal with than finding a dog to score you some booty.

Ladies, the puppy effect works for you, too. Women with a dog were more likely to be given money for the bus when they asked, and the amount they were given was higher. Use this knowledge to fleece men who are trying to use dogs to get your phone number.

Talk Like a Man (Unless You're a Woman)

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Have you ever heard a recording of your own voice and thought, "Good God, I sound like a balloon deflating around a room into shriveled flaccidity"? No? Well, have you ever heard a recording of your own voice and at least been somewhat surprised by how you sound? That's a pretty common phenomenon, a result of the acoustics in our own skulls making us sound different to ourselves than we do to everyone else. In fact, you may think you sound like one suave cat out on the town, while the people listening to you think you sound like the noise "never having sex again" makes when it bathes in rotten garbage. That's not the sound you want.

Turns out that the sounds we make do have an effect on attracting potential mates, and not just those attractive hoots and catcalls that men assume women love hearing out on the streets -- speaking voices too. Men tend to find women with higher-pitched voices more attractive, because it indicates a smaller body size, while the reverse is appealing to women: a man with a deeper voice at least sounds bigger and more masculine. However, as a caveat, women prefer a touch of "breathiness" in that deep voice, which apparently means manly but not aggressive. So, like a refined caveman who won't club you but will bench press a stegosaurus before tearing off his mammoth-skin and ravaging you against the haunch of a T. rex. See all those caveman references? Good stuff.

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"Ogg like chick flick. Ogg caring. Ogg sensitive."

Changing the pitch of your voice can therefore alter people's perception of you, as long you don't do it in the wrong way. A man with a high-pitched voice is attractive to fewer people (sorry, Truman Capote) and a woman with a voice like a semi-truck is just as unlucky in love (sorry, Bea Arthur). This is why Barry White is the soundtrack to love: he sounds like a blue whale digesting red wine and chocolate.

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Color Your World Red

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This one is so easy it seems like cheating, but if science says it then it can't be wrong, because the alternative is anarchy and chaos. If you've ever hoped for a magical charm you could put on to make yourself look more attractive, it turns out such a thing exists and is a St. Louis Cardinals jersey. Or anything red, really. Red is the official color of sex, even in our subconscious, where all sorts of nefarious things are plotted by our brain and then enacted without ever asking us permission.

Women shown photos of men against a red background and a white background routinely rate the red one as more attractive, even if it's the same guy. Conversely, straight men couldn't tell the difference between the man on red versus the man on white, meaning it's likely linked to sexual attraction.

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"I bestow my sexy upon the world! You're welcome!"

Even better for you in your nifty red sweater: men in red are viewed as having a higher social status with more likelihood of being successful. All you have to do is wear red all the time and you'll convince everyone you're some manner of Man-God.

On the flip side, ladies were deemed more attractive when they wore red, and men were willing to spend more money on a date with a woman in red than in any other color, which explains why ladies in burlap never get to go to elegant restaurants. Men also tend to give higher tips to waitresses in red, so keep that in mind if you work in the service industry. Why is red the go-to color for dudes? Men perceive women in red as being more sexually ready to go, which isn't always full-on delusional, as women will play up to this as well. Women on hook-up sites meant for one-night stands tend to wear red in their profile pictures more often than women on sites that are slanted towards casual dating or serious relationships.

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It's the latest trend of extreme-dressed sex sites.

The most bizarre thing about this color effect on sexual attractiveness is that it's totally subconscious. Participants were not told the purpose of the study and none were able to guess what it was or that color had anything to do with it. Knowing that, go forth into the world and use your red leather pants responsibly.

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