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The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Online Gaming

Tens of millions of adults spend all their free time in fictional worlds that are full of more tedious work and assholes than most real-life jobs. Combining Internet anonymity with people who have absurd amounts of free time, massive multiplayer online role-playing Gamers (MMORPG) are a better guarantee of asshole-ry than a digestive system, and yield uglier results. But there are some spectacular douche bags who have put more work into screwing with strangers than should be humanly possible.

Note: We think of online gaming as a kind of douche-nozzle arms race -- as soon as we get used to whatever hyper-offensive racism alchemy the 13-year-olds on XBox Live have dreamed up ("What do you mean when you say I'm 'so Asian I'm Mexican'?"), they invent some new way to dash our dreams of a safe and accepting internet, like by calling SWAT teams on people who beat them at Call of Duty. Yup, that's where we are as a species. And before you act all outraged, remember that we tried to warn you. -Cracked

#7. The EVE Super-Heist

EVE Online's universe consists of 350,000 active subscribers piloting customizable space craft around 7,500 solar systems. Putting that many people in space with lasers might sound like an open horizon to awesome, but the players who hang out there created a fully functional free market economy that ends up feeling more like space accountancy. The ad may look like this ...

... but it doesn't tell you that you have to pay for those lasers. To do that, a lot of game play involves your screen looking more like this ...

As with the real-world economy, making a profit in the world of EVE Online is easier if you form corporations. While many spend years working together for mutual gain, others behave a lot like corporations do in the real world. Or at least how they would if they operated in a universe where murder is legal.

For instance, the Guiding Hand Social Club assassinates people for profit and steals their stuff for bonuses. In one instance, they were hired to destroy "Mirial," the CEO of Ubiqua Seraph corporation. While many EVE Online players literally grind rocks for hours to make a profit, the GHSC use the assignment to show everyone what Ocean's Eleven would have been like if it took place in the Star Wars universe. No one has had so much more fun than everyone else playing a game since Michael Jackson suggested Junior Twister.

First, they got jobs with the target corporation and worked their way up the ranks. The primary assassin became second in command of the entire firm because the background checks for imaginary space pilots aren't very good.

Then, after a year of real-time play, they struck harder than Keyser Soze in that one flashback scene where he's played by Fabio. They killed Mirial, emptied the corp's accounts and hangars, stole everything that wasn't bolted down and blew up everything that was, then killed Mirial again because EVE is specifically programmed to let you kill people twice. The first time gives you all the XP and valuable wreckage, but allows the murdered player to escape in a pod. The second does nothing but shout, "Screw You!" with murder (which is admittedly the best way to do that).

Mirial was in a Navy Apocalypse at the time, which is basically EVE Online's equivalent of the Death Star.


And really, anyone who manages to get killed in one of those deserves it at least twice.

They scooped up the virtually vacuum-frozen corpse for delivery to a client who had paid the equivalent of 500 real dollars for the hit. Which pales next to the $16,500 (again, real-world money) worth of items destroyed or stolen in the raid. Also, holy shit, people are paying to assassinate hated video game characters now.


Everyone who doesn't use Akuma is already saving up.

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Luke McKinney

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