Breasts and video games are three of my favorite things (four if you count Total Recall), but things don't necessarily mix just because they're awesome. I also love martial arts and my testicles, but wouldn't want to combine the two -- even though the anatomical results are better than the breasts/gaming combo, because at least having my nuts mashed is physiologically possible.
Still more fun than playing Duke Nukem Forever.
In the old days this wasn't a problem, because people had to choose which kind of joystick they wanted to use every night. But now that people are allowed both extra lives and sex lives, we'd swear the games have gotten jealous. Game breasts have blown up like the Death Star: gigantically, ludicrously and causing men who know about the real things to say "There's no way that's physically possible."
I know they're not moons, but I can't stop staring.
Anita Sarkeesian recently launched a Kickstarter campaign to make a video series about how video games might have a problem with sexism. The comments she received proved her theory more correct than Oppenheimer's theory about atoms, except more violently and with even more flames and men who will never reproduce. Why do so many online gamers react to gender issues like Nazi kryptonite, a horrible thing that threatens their imaginary man powers? Why are some players less capable of healthy interaction with women than a circumcision scalpel? Because games do have massive problems with sexism. Often in pairs on the characters' chests. Video games treat breasts like real black holes: irresistible points that suck in anyone who comes near, yet don't obey the classical laws of physics.
#13+14. Black Orchid (Killer Instinct)
Rare launched Killer Instinct when digitized graphics were so cool, games didn't need anything else -- like graphics worth digitizing. The characters were less original than sin and far less interesting: ninja, robot, werewolf and girl, because in the designers' lives, females were just as mysterious and fictional.
We honestly thought our software had deformed the image until we saw that the text was fine.
Orchid looks like H.R. Giger melted a Ken doll and shoved Peeps into the chest. Her breasts protrude at more unnatural angles than satellite dishes. They're so horrifying that one of her finishing moves is to flash her chest at the enemy, who then dies of shock. This is despite everyone but 10-year-old boys and her designers knowing that breasts don't do that.
It's like Judge Fear's face, but even more inhuman.
On the upside, any man excited by Orchid is absolutely no threat to a human woman, if only because he wouldn't recognize one.
#11+12. Kasumi (Dead or Alive)
Team Ninja, Tecmo
Dead or Alive was a respectable "not-quite-Street Fighter" back when that was the best a non-Street Fighter could be. But as the series progressed, it was overtaken and destroyed by soft pink spheres men wanted to stroke. It was like the game had been invaded by Tribbles, especially since the graphics had more in common with fictional aliens than any human anatomy.
If this wasn't a fetish, it is now.
The first Dead or Alive had a "boob physics" option whose results had nothing to do with either of those terms. Dead or Alive 2 had an "age meter," because "jiggle meter" would have been too honest, and someone buying fighting games to watch softcore porn can't even be honest with their own dick. (Also, it turns out that every single DoA player was 99 years old.) The series became so obsessed with chests that the core mechanic went from "fighting" to "touching gently floating spheres," also known as "volleyballs." Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball wasn't a game. It was a vicious satire that accidentally made millions of dollars.
Team Ninja, Tecmo Koei
That central metal heart is under more mechanical stress than Unicron's.
The plot behind this change in career isn't clear, but it seems the fighters gave up on fighting because any attempt to punch caused a double-KO by their own ricocheting breasts. It got worse with Dead or Alive Paradise, where beach volleyball was now the most intellectually challenging of a set of activities based around the characters "wearing swimsuits" and "not being able to run away from the sort of guy who'd play this."