He’s taken down terrorists, ninjas, street thugs and corrupt cops, but now, Steven Seagal is after the FBI and-sources close to the subject agree- this time, it’s personal. In 2002, the FBI began investigating Seagal under the suspicion that he hired a private detective to scare journalists out of writing negative reviews and now The Glimmer Man is demanding an apology.

Seagal genuinely believes, evidently, that if it wasn’t for the FBI’s troublesome interference, his last twelve movies would have skyrocketed his career, upgrading his status from “that forgettable karate guy who keeps getting fatter” to “Academy Award winning Megastar.” Instead, all twelve movies went straight to DVD.

I can just picture him now, waiting by his phone and eating Ring Dings. “I’d be fucking Scarlett Johansosn on George Clooney’s yacht this very second if it wasn’t for that damn FBI…”

I can’t say I blame the FBI for wanting to destroy his career. It’s very possible that Seagal brought these attacks on himself as he’s previously boasted that he is both Hard to Kill as well as Above the Law, and you just can’t make arrogant, outrageous claims like that and not expect some retaliation; you’re really treading On Deadly Ground and putting your career Under Siege. The FBI was simply Out For Justice and you can’t slight them for making an Executive Decision. What, just because you’re The Prince of Pistols you think that you’re Out of Reach of an FBI Attack Force? Guess again, Clementine.

…Half Past Dead.

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