The 5 Most Incredibly Detailed Replicas Ever Made by Fans The 4 Most Underrated Feelings in the World 5 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is the Biggest Troll Alive
Cracked Columnists

My Attempt to Create a Fat Bratz Doll: A Real Email Exchange

I am a lover of children. It is no secret that I maintain a special kinship with the youth of America, and I will even go as far as to announce it up and down the streets of my neighborhood when I feel particularly impassioned. Especially now, as we approach every kid's favorite time of year, I feel a deep connection with the children of the world, and I want to make it memorable for them. I aim to roll up my sleeves and get to work this holiday season showering the children with magic and penetrating their hearts with wonder. Then, after it is all said and done and I am covered in elbow grease, I will smile through my exhaustion and know that it was all worth it. I care that much.

"No, they are not sad tears, mom. I weep for bestowed joy."

Naturally, I have started with toys. I wrote letters to various toy companies offering my services and pitching, in my opinion, some pretty high level concepts for presents come December. All of the manufacturers were decidedly unresponsive, save one. MGA Entertainment, the company responsible for the Bratz doll wrote me back and together we unearthed some outstanding enhancements to their products that could both entertain and educate kids. Sadly, our communication crumbled and I have no way of knowing if my suggestions will ever take shape. Below is the very real email exchange I shared with the good folks at MGAE. I can only hope that the seeds of ideas will blossom into beautiful products, and that my words will be remembered as the compost that helped them grow.

Sent: Mon, Nov 15, 2010

-----Original Message-----

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Dear Sir/Madam

First off, I want to quickly say that you are beacon of light in a storm of pre-teen darkness. The characters you have created with the Bratz brand are beautiful, sassy, and ethnically inclusive. Thank you for providing young women everywhere with a foundation of open-mindedness, ambition and, if I may say so, some really top-notch fashion.

You've done a tremendous job of capturing the essence of real girlfriends as they exist in playgrounds and tree houses across America: Cloe is playful, aloof and flirty, Jade is hard working and passionate, Yasmin is shy but earnest, and Sasha is black.

Cloe in particular, is my favorite of all because I identify with her the most. She loves her friends, but she certainly won't put up with their drama most of the time, will she? No. No she won't. That's why she's the best.

There is only one part of the social dynamic you replicated that confuses me. As far as I understand it, every group of attractive girls includes one fat friend. Am I wrong? Where is that girl? I'd hate for an entire demographic to feel disenfranchised or forgotten because there is no corresponding Brat(z). She is, after all, the glue to the group, or at the very least the anchor.

I am giving this idea to you with plenty of time before the holidays to institute it. If you don't mind breaking up the symmetry of the team, then I want to suggest adding a fifth character, Deb. Only moderately obese, she would still seem pretty attractive without the context of the other girls (if you squint and if she's wearing her apron). Oh, by the way, she is an aspiring chef! Great, right? That's yours to use, no charge. Deb would be the affectionate and understanding friend that the other girls could go to with problems because she knows how to listen. Also, she bakes pies a lot which seems great but something always goes wrong. She's just a kid and she's learning! That reminds me, you can give her down syndrome instead if you're looking for ways to justify the enormous head.

Please write me back and let me know what the next steps are for introducing Deb.

Sincerely,

Soren


"Standing isn't good for my gout."


Sent: Mon, Nov 15, 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Thank you for contacting MGA Entertainment.

Thank you for your interest in our products. We want you to know that our customer's concerns and feedback are of high importance. We have submitted your information for review to our product analysts and designers. We hope that you will continue to help us develop newer and better products.

Thank You,

MGA Entertainment


Sent: Tue, Nov 16, 2010

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Dear MGA Entertainment,

I'm pleased to hear that my design ideas are receiving the attention they deserve. As per your request to help you develop newer products, I accept. Thank you for the opportunity. For the sake of the business cards I am drawing up, what exactly is my job title? What kind of payment can I expect? It's funny how things work out, you've caught me at a particularly fortuitous crossroads in my life. I recently lost a job on grounds of negligence and a pending conviction (involuntary!). No one of importance was hurt, if that's what you're worried about.

Since I received your email I've had several ideas for the Bratz line and I think if we all pitch in together with some long hours, we can get them out before the holidays. Chief among these is the notion that we ought to change the girls' relationship to one another. I'm concerned by their egalitarian nature, there doesn't seem to be a proper pecking order which I'm concerned is instilling a false message about social dynamics to young girls. Perhaps if we made Jade slightly more judgmental of Sasha's wide ankles, and maybe Sasha could project the subsequent insecurity onto Yasmin's over-sized lips. Ideally we could give all the Bratz a covert set of neuroses with which young girls could identify.

Similarly, while I find it charming that the girls dream of professionalism in their adult lives, it might be a good idea to establish that not everyone can become a fashion designer or singer. Maybe we can aim lower with their aspirations. I was thinking that Cloe could be really enthusiastic about the possibilities in the world of data analysis. And Jade could dream of a life governed by matrimony. From what I understand, being a mother is a full-time job, an exciting one!

These are just a few of the ideas I've had. I don't want to throw all of them out there at once. I hope that you will simmer on these and let me know where we should go next. Once again, I'm ecstatic we'll be working together and I look forward to the day we can gossip about least attractive people at work.

Excited,

Soren


"I don't know if anyone's told you, Sasha, but your fashion choices make you look like a hospital patient."


Sent: Tue, Nov 16, 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Thank you for contacting MGA Entertainment. We have forwarded your feedback to our designers [ADDRESS REMOVED].

Please send all future ideas to the same email address.

Thank You,

MGA Entertainment


Sent: Thur, Nov 18, 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Mr. Bowie

I apologize if there is any confusion that we are soliciting you in any way for new business ideas. While we do appreciate hearing from consumers that are interested in our product lines, we are not in any way asking for your assistance in the ideation or development of our product line.

There is no need to contact us further.

Best Regards,

Ninette


Sent: Thur, Nov 18, 2010

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Dear Ninette,

Does this mean I'm fired?

Expectant,

Soren

P.S. You have a beautiful name. It begins with such soft consonants and then really surprises you at the end with that hard T. Is it pronounced like the number? Incidentally, I have exactly 90 great new ideas for Bratz if you are willing to reconsider my termination.


I picture her as a mix of Jade and Yasmin, except with a nose and regularly proportioned eyes.


Sent: Fri, Nov 19, 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

You are not fired because you never worked for us. Please do not contact me further.

Best,

Ninette


Sent: Fri, Nov 19, 2010

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Hello Ninette,

You drive a hard bargain. I will consent to work for free if you'll allow it. May I continue to send you revolutionary ideas regarding your Bratz line, probono? I'm so invested now that I wouldn't mind making this my passion project at least until the new year. Maybe there's some kind of stock option deal we can strike.

-Soren


I have so much left to give.


Sent: Mon, Nov 22, 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Soren

No thank you but I only wish you the best always.

Ninette


Sent: Tue, Nov 23, 2010

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Hi Ninette,

Just had a breakthrough idea for the Bratz cartoon that I wanted to share with you. I know you said not to contact you anymore but I think this could be a real hit:

I was hashing out some scenarios with the dolls when I hit on a really solid adventure for them: the girls spend the night in a haunted house on a dare, Jade is the only one who doesn't believe in ghosts and convinces the other girls to go. As it turns out, the house isn't actually haunted and they all learn a valuable lesson about their fears. The whole experience makes them better people, and by the time the sun come up they are all laughing at how afraid they were the night before. All of them except for Cloe because she is still scared, but for a completely different reason: she's pregnant.

It could be a groundbreaking episode. Maybe we could even come up with some baby Bratz to market as well. Please let me know if you have any feedback or if I should just get started on a draft.

-Soren


Sent: Wed, Nov 24 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Soren,

I have asked you kindly to stop writing. Our next logical step is legal action. For your own sake, please stop sending your ideas. You do not work for this MGA Entertainment. We have no record of you ever working for MGA Entertainment. We do not want to use any of your suggestions. Do not write again.

Happy Holidays,

Ninette


Coincidence?


Sent: Thur, Nov 25, 2010

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

Dear Ninette,

Would it change anything to know that through our journey together, you have come to mean very much to me?

P.S. I am very handsome.


Sent: Fri, Nov 26, 2010

From: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

To: Soren Bowie

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

No.


Sent: Fri, Nov 26, 2010

From: Soren Bowie

To: [ADDRESS REMOVED]

Subject: RE: Bratz Christmas Ideas

OK.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Soren Bowie

  • Rss

More by Soren Bowie:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

321 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!