Three years ago, using the finest and least employed minds Hollywood had available, we analyzed how seven iconic movie characters would do in a zombie attack. This went quite well (for us, not the iconic movie characters; most of them didn't make it), so this year we tried to do something similar. Because everyone's tired of zombies now, this time we thought we'd see how iconic movie characters would handle being suddenly trapped in a classic slasher movie.
Andy Reynolds/Photodisc/Getty Images
Making this essentially Cracked's version of slash fiction, and yes, we did get extremely aroused while writing it.
Which is how we find ourselves watching the following iconic movie characters, who, for reasons too obvious and straightforward to even mention, all ended up gathering at an abandoned summer camp one spooky weekend.
Here's what happened next.
#7. Ferris Bueller
The titular character of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Ferris' greatest strength is the incredibly charmed life he leads. He has the hottest girlfriend. He has the raddest computer. He has the friend with the biggest mental issues. Everything breaks Ferris' way, and it would be a surprising, even shocking thing indeed if he ended up brutally murdered in the first 10 minutes of this story.
Life is about to stop moving pretty fast.
Unfortunately for Ferris, he's in that 16-to-23 demographic that fares very poorly during slasher movies. Psychopaths love murdering teenagers, giving in to the urges we all feel but rarely act on.
Teens are right to be mistrustful of grown-ups, detecting the faint but very real desire we all have to murder them.
Also, Ferris is kind of a smug little shit, isn't he? In some of the more postmodern slasher varieties, where the audience actually roots for people to die, the smug little shits are among the first to go.
Ferris will instantly become the most popular kid at Shriekaway Camp, but in doing so will sow the seeds of his own ruin. His antics that first night (singing "Louie Louie" in a variety of places, talking directly to the camera) will grate on more than a few people, and all will be relieved when he decides to sleep in his own cabin that night.
Hemera Technologies/Photos.com/Getty Images
This should end well.
The next day Ferris will be found strangled to death on a complicated series of strings and pulleys that he'd seemingly been trying to deploy to trick anyone entering the cabin into thinking that he was still in bed, singing "Louie Louie." It's pretty grim, but as it was obviously an accident and no one else was using that cabin anyways, everyone will agree to just quietly shut the door and get on with their weekend.
#6. Willy Wonka
Taking a break from his work as a chocolatier, Willy Wonka (from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory) isn't the strongest person at camp this weekend, but he will quite likely have a number of trick candies on his person that can produce a variety of unlikely effects as the plot necessitates. In terms of other skills, he's very capable of coming up with terrible names for candy, and he also has an extensive (some would say troubling) knowledge of slave management practices.
He's also a passably good choreographer.
Wonka's away from his home turf here and, lacking the traps and child-imperiling devices in his factory, his power is greatly diminished. Honestly, if confronted by a murderer, Wonka's options for self-defense are pretty limited, unless of course he can convince the killer to eat something he hands them.
FDA WARNING: "Wazzo Smizzlers" contain 90 percent flunitrazepam.
Wonka will take special interest in Ferris Bueller's death, and while the rest of the movie characters are playing horseshoes, he'll sneak back into the cabin and try to harvest some of Ferris' body fluids to form the basis of a new flavor delight.
Petr Adam Dohnalek via Wikimedia Commons
There's an awful lot of flavor in lymph.
Strangely, going off on his own doesn't work out too well for Wonka, as the others discover later that morning when they find his body in one of the outhouses, where he apparently ate candy until he burst. And although this does seem a bit like him, all will agree that the handcuffs and restraints probably rule out natural causes. Something is afoot.
It's death. Death's afoot.
#5. Optimus Prime
Optimus Prime (of Transformers: The Movie vintage) was born(?) to be a leader, and with two murders on the books, he will immediately take charge of the situation. With the camp's bus mysteriously disabled and no escape possible for the surviving movie characters, Optimus will decide to set up a secure shelter in one of the cabins, establishing a defensive perimeter and scheduling a series of guard shifts. Then, as the only one capable of turning into a truck, he'll turn into a truck and go get help.
"Optimus! Why can't we go with you?"
"No, little one. We must respect the schedule of guard shifts at all costs!"
The next morning he'll be found dead, just outside of camp, shot in the chest with an energy cannon. This will, understandably, leave the rest of the survivors shaken. If the bravest and strongest of them can fall, what hope can the rest of them have?
So begins their darkest hour.
#4. Freddy Krueger
As the Nightmare on Elm Street series has shown, Freddy Krueger is essentially unkillable in the world of dreams, with immense strength and a variety of supernatural powers. He's also got that glove with the finger blades, great for slashing and spreading soft cheeses and such.
Alan Levine via Wikimedia Commons
They'll also come in handy if they find a murderer-detector in some blister packaging.
Unfortunately, the camp isn't in the land of dreams, instead being in the plodding land of reality, which limits Krueger's strength somewhat. What he'll need to do is fall asleep somewhere where the killer can find him, he'll ... no, actually, that won't work. Hmmm.
Digital Vision/Getty Images
This is not a good martial art.
It turns out that, without the ability to enter people's dreams, Krueger is just a guy with an ugly sweater and a fedora, basically a hipster with a knife glove. And, like all hipsters, knife gloved or not, everyone around him hates him. Krueger's reputation precedes him, and when tensions rise, it's likely he'll catch a lot of the blame for these deaths.
"IT'S NOT ME, GUYS. I SWEAR," Freddy will yell as the others push him into a fire. "NO, NOT THIS. I HATE BURNING MORE THAN ANYTHING."
Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
"IT'S IN MY HAIR IT'S IN MY HAIR."
They're finally safe.