Omelets? Fuck you. What is this, the fucking Sorbonne? I don't even know what that is! (Clearly I assume some sort of fancy cooking school). Obviously an omelet is way beyond my pathetic level of expertise.
Then one day I had a revelation: I could find tons of brilliant recipes for the semi-retarded cook on a budget...right here in my beloved shitty horror movies! Today's lesson comes to us thanks to LL Cool J, via his shocking yet beautiful portrayal of Sassy Black Chef Archetype #2 in the classic 1999 hit Deep Blue Sea. LL Cool J and Deep Blue Sea teach us both how to make the perfect omelet, and also how to fend off the advance of super-intelligent murder-sharks. Fortunately, those are two very good skill-sets to have. Unfortunately, due to the way the movie presents this information, it is impossible to separate the two. But hey, if money is tight right now, you've hungry, you've got a few eggs sitting around, and you're trying to escape an experimental research station sinking into the sea while sharks with genetically engineered mega-brains stalk you through the water-filled catwalks, well then have I got a recipe for you!
So there you go. As you can see, making the perfect omelet while stopping the murder-sharks mad march on mankind isn't all that hard in reality, but it's one of those things everybody thinks only an expert can do. As a poor, hungry bachelor who enjoys shitty horror movies, you'll find that you can now not only make a cheap and delicious meal, but also a good impression on any lady friends that may stay for the night.*
*WARNING: Lady friends will almost certainly be devoured by murder-sharks or callously detonated by ricocheting dynamite spear-guns. This is the price of the recipe. It is what the omelet demands.
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