A Super Dark Seinfeld Fan Theory You Won't Be Able To Forget

The heart of Seinfeld may be Elaine Benes, and the brain may be Jerry himself, but the kidneys and bladder are definitely George Costanza, everybody's favorite velvet-loving, Twix-craving, Art Vandelay-inventing, Festivus-hating, short, stocky, bald man. Before the internet got a hold of every minor neurosis that one could have and wrung them dry for clicks, George was here to show that, even though someone has a lot of insecurities, they still probably won't be that cool. Oh, and he may have caused his brother's suicide.

In his session with a psychic in the third season episode "The Suicide," the psychic asks George whether the name "Pauline" means anything to him, and he recalls that his brother impregnated a woman named Pauline. Wait, George has a brother?

Not anymore.

#6. George Would Totally Cause This

It stands to reason that George called his brother after his psychic visit to tell him about how Pauline had come up, which would remind the brother of his terrible impregnation mistake. If you've watched any part of Seinfeld, you know that committing social blunders like calling someone to remind them of a bad choice they made and could be ashamed of is just one of George's inexplicable Earthly duties.

Again, one of many.

If you've never watched Seinfeld, just think about that friend that most people have who, in an attempt to console you after a breakup, will remind you that he didn't just cheat on you with one girl. He did it with six, so it's really his fault. This friend is constantly pitiable in his attempts to relate to a world that baffles, overtakes, and rejects him. This friend isn't so much a person as he is a "How Could This Go Wrong?" test subject in the grand experiment of life. George exists to filter potentially positive situations through himself until they become unrecognizable and awkwardly horrific. This would not change with something like the reminder of Pauline. And overcome with regret and guilt, the brother decides to end it all.

George's brother commits suicide, and it is essentially George's fault. Therefore, George's behavior, family dynamic, and almost all of the Costanzaic depressiveness of the show is given a shocking context.

You know, besides the Feats of Strength.

#5. It Would Explain Why That Episode Is Called "The Suicide"

No one actually commits suicide in it. The only thing we see is Jerry's neighbor Martin attempting suicide and recovering from it. And while it may seem far-fetched, the episode titles of Seinfeld usually refer to a very literal thing happening in the episode. Sure, the conversations and the events that surround those literal things usually amount to petty nothingness, but there is a suicide going on. And there is no place like Seinfeld for something tragic like George's brother offing himself to happen while the four main members of the cast bicker over something entirely inconsequential.

"How can you talk about airline food at a time like this!?"

#4. It Would Explain Why George's Brother Is Never Mentioned Again

Never. Just a very brief, passing reference in "The Parking Space" episode, which aired not long after this one. In it, George very hastily, yet emotionally mentions that his brother never paid for parking and therefore George wouldn't either.

George: I can't park in a garage.
Elaine: Why?
George: I don't know; I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking -- my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.

"Literally, in my brother's case."

That would certainly explain George's intense zeal in making sure he gets the free space he wants, as a tribute to his recently deceased brother. Also, it would be typical of George to never be able to come to terms with what he did to his brother and never be able to properly ask for help in dealing with it. Outbursts, like this one over something as frivolous as parking, are the only coping mechanism that he has. His brother passes without ever being able to do something as simple as pay for parking. Why would George be able to?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

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Markos Hasiotis

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