6 Absurdly Pathetic Last-Ditch Protests Against Gay Marriage

If there's one thing a certain type of people will always hate, it's other people existing differently. The very idea that you or I are not the exact same person as them is just too much for their brains to handle -- and, by golly, they'll let you know about it. So it's no surprise that, as gay marriage continues to enjoy greater acceptance and legalization, the intolerant are scrambling to come up with ways to convince everyone that reversing history and going back to the 1950s would be the best course of action.

But, sometimes, their plans are so ridiculous that you almost have to admire their dedication to being terrible (as well as their abundance of free time). After all, bigots or not, it takes a special kind of soul to come up with shit like ...

#6. Religious Group Hires Mexican Day-Laborers To Protest Pride Parade

via gawker.com

Probably one of the greatest problems we face today in America is being pissed off by the things other people do but not having the time to make them feel bad about it. How do you protest things when you have to go to work or you're tired or whatever? The Jewish Political Action Committee found a simple yet elegant solution to the problem of wanting to protest gayness but not wanting to protest gayness: hiring Mexican day-laborers to do it for them.

Did I say "simple" and "elegant"? I meant "what" and "what?!"

via gawker.com
Sorry, "Que?!"

In an idea that absurdist sketch writers everywhere are kicking themselves for not thinking of first, the Mexican laborers were given Jewish disguises and paid to spread someone else's intolerance by protesting a pride parade. They wore fringed prayer garments and some even displayed fake payot, the long curls of hair growing from the sides of the head under the appropriately Jewish hats. If it hadn't been organized by actual Jewish people you could have safely assumed it was one of the most anti-Semitic things ever conceived.

James Estrin/The New York Times
It might still be; the part of my brain that can tell what's offensive self-destructed
after looking at these photos.

So the Jexican fellows were protesting gay marriage under the reasoning that it's prohibited by Judaism, which (I'm taking a wild guess here) isn't their religion. Officially speaking, they peopled their protest with Mexican day-laborers to fill out the ranks of all the students who normally would have attended but had to be protected from what they would see at the gay pride parade -- you know, things like their heritage being turned into intolerant cosplay. We have to protect our kids from witnessing things like that.

Speaking of which ...

#5. "Sounds Of Sodomy" Flyer Sets Imaginations Ablaze


We've all come home to find a slightly passive-aggressive "WATCH OUT, YOU MIGHT BE GOING TO HELL" leaflet judging us from under our front door, most likely depicting Jesus frolicking in a meadow with some happy children. While we do appreciate the concern, those things have been going to some dark places lately, man:

"Yep, that's a dong going into a butt, all right. I'd know that sound anywhere."

So, let's answer the question posed therein -- should those two tragically depressed little moppets be exposed to the sounds of sodomy? For those not aware, I can assure you the sounds are vaguely squishy with the odd grunt. And I'll be the first to say no. No, those kids should not experience that any more than they should experience mommy leaning against the washing machine too long, grandma talking about Asian drivers after her third martini, or the sound of the cat barfing up a hairball on the rug. Because kids don't need to hear all kinds of shit, none of which has anything to do with gay marriage.

This random flyer spread like syphilis across Ireland's Interwebs as the fear of gays having potatoes and then gay potato sex gripped the country, which was pondering the idea of legalizing same-sex marriage. Because, surely, once gays were legal, they'd just set up buttfucking booths right there in first-grade classrooms and the school board would replace all math textbooks with Ron Jeremy headshots (no, the other head). So beloved was this leaflet online that the hashtag #SoundsOfSodomy trended in Ireland, producing spoofs like this one:

The Bridge Over Troubled Water cover works too.

Who put these flyers out? No one ever claimed ownership, which shows a degree of restraint you wouldn't expect from someone dumb enough to ask the question on the leaflet in the first place. Ironically, depending on how many of these were handed out and how expensive bathroom supplies are in Ireland, it's highly likely that these things ended up becoming intimately familiar with the very same instrument of deviousness they were trying to warn us about: the dreaded butthole. Hang in there, kids.

#4. The French Protest Gayness With Chickens, Interpretive Dance


When gay marriage rears its completely-irrelevant-to-your-life-if-you're-not-gay head in France, the intolerati among the world's snootiest people respond with just as much vigor and abject insanity as you might expect. Which is to say, their protests make so little sense you'd be forgiven for not realizing they have anything to do with gay marriage at all.

France legalized gay marriage back in May of 2013. So, in December of that year, when a rental truck pulled up to the steps of French Parliament, it was likely no one understood why 40 chickens were kicked out, some literally, before the truck sped off with police chasing it. Word is they had 450 chickens on hand, but they just wouldn't get out of the truck because they were too embarrassed to be associated with such an asinine plan.

The organizers were left red-faced when two roosters happened to walk by
and started macking on each other.

The chickens were a protest against gay marriage, in that way staring angrily at your computer is sometimes a protest against standing up, or eating a Hot Pocket is a protest against deforestation. Like, if you think it is, and you're the only one there, then maybe it is. In any event, the chickens had to be rounded up and no one got un-gay married as a result, so we can pretty much call this one a bust. But it wasn't the only trick the French had up their poofy sleeves, oh no:

vent danz/YouTube

"What the unholy fuck are you making me watch?" is what you're saying to yourself right now and also the full rationale behind this intervention. Back in 2012 (so at least this was trying to stave off gay marriage instead of throwing poultry at it after the fact), a group of 250 Catholic traditionalists held a protest that included this butterfly man. His wings are labeled "mother" and "father," so you can see how he's balanced between them and can soar like a heterosexual lepidoptera toward whatever fragrant blossom he wishes to suckle nectar from. Yes, he is apparently the opposite of gay.

vent danz/YouTube
That is the sashay of a man who never lies awake at night thinking about Paul Rudd.

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Felix Clay

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