 Sometimes at night, while everyone else sleeps, Cyclops wanders the X-Mansion to loudly fuss about how his eyes shoot lasers. We’re real sorry your blasted energy-blasting head does something so awesome, buddy. |
One of the things Stan Lee is credited with in Marvel comics is how he made superheroes relatable. He took larger-than-life characters and gave them human problems. After Spider-Man is done insulating his fists to punch someone with an electric face, he gets picked last for kickball as Peter Parker. That’s something a reader can wrap their head around. Like when Thor goes to the drug store and can’t find a human condom to fit his screaming Nordic penis. “By Odin’s all-seeing eye, I can give to my loins only this empty grocery bag, and to you only this heeding: Valhalla awaits your birth canal!”
Before Stan Lee, comics related to kids by just having the heroes hang out with kids, usually without pants. I’m not sure when gay was invented, but it definitely wasn’t around when the people at DC finalized the Robin costume. So Stan Lee’s idea to add character flaws to superheroes may have saved Marvel comics readers a generation of half-naked little boy sidekicks. However, as the years went by, not all the writers at Marvel were exactly responsible with this concept. The character flaws of caped crusaders soon escalated into full-blown psychological problems which made most of their adventures a series of emotional breakdowns. Here are six of my favorites.
Colossus is a Shitty Cosmonaut.
The X-Men are joining some astronauts on a rocket destined for outer space. Before they’ve even taken off, Colossus suddenly remembers that a brother he never mentioned, Mikhail, died while being an astronaut. So he does what anyone would do to honor his brother’s passing: spazzes the fuck out! He screams and his powers go off, completely shredding his space suit. Which, for a superhero, has got to be the equivalent of shitting your pants.
Imagine what it must have been like for that rocket pilot. He’s already probably grumpy about getting put in charge of a completely untrained flight crew, one of whom is a blue demon monster. And the first thing one of them does is triple in size and start destroying equipment. Say for a moment there’s even a possibility that you still take this lunatic into space. How do you talk ground control into pressing launch?
“Ah, mission control, we’re still a go for launch. The disturbance was, ah, one of the crew exploding into metal. Standby, Houston… looks like two, possibly three more are crying about something and punching through the hull with various energy rays. This is now at the very least a suicide mission, over. Wait, one more thing: Even if we get up and back, I probably don’t have to tell a room full of rocket scientists that these goddamn reentry vectors are hard enough to get right even without one of my passengers wildly altering his mass in the middle of it. Tell my wife that I… no, don’t tell her anything. She knew what she was getting into when she married a rocket man. Over and out.”
Hulk Smash Rainbow!
Picking a favorite emotional breakdown for The Incredible Hulk is hard since his entire super power is an emotional breakdown. There is no The Hulk unless something can make Bruce Banner flip out. A normal Hulk story is Bruce Banner trying to escape society with the tattered remains of his purple pants, then tripping into traffic or getting stepped on by a robo-suit until he turns into the Hulk. Once you see how accident-prone he is, it’s easy to see why he spends so much time as the Hulk. Whenever Bruce Banner bites into a burrito, it’s only after someone misplaced their swarm of poisonous ants wrapped in a tortilla. If Bruce Banner uses a vending machine, it is Vendor, awoken at last from His ancient slumber. Although here is a time where I really don’t think the situation called for any gamma-fueled rage:
Don’t Break Bad News to Spider-Man Over the Phone.
Spider-Man discovers that the supercriminal Arcade has plans to drug and kidnap the X-Men. He’s got to warn them, and fast! He stops into the first phone booth he sees and makes sure to pull up his mask to give his mouth full range of motion. A warning like this is too important to risk snagging a lip on the inside of your face spandex.
But surprise: Arcade himself picks up only to tell him that he’s too late. Known for his wit and fast comebacks, Spider-Man retorts “NOOOO!!” Then, maybe forgetting he’s in a phone booth, obliterates it. NOOOO!!
Doing a jumping jack inside a phone booth is already a strange reaction to bad news, but it becomes even stranger when you know who Arcade is. Arcade doesn’t murder people. He puts them in Murdercade. It’s a deadly but outrageously unexplainable high-tech fun fair that has yet to kill a single participant in the history of Marvel Comics. So again: at a regular murder you kill your victim. At Murdercade you put them on a safety-deregulated carnival ride. The only similarity at all is that your victim doesn’t want to do either. Spider-Man knows all this. He spent this entire phone call knowing that his X-Men friends are so super alive, but sitting in giant bumper cars or fighting a robot corndog or something. But fuck it: NOOOO!!
Bitch Betta’ Have Luke Cage’s Money!
Luke Cage, or Power Man, is a hero for hire. Which means you have to pay him. So when you hire him for a job and you don’t pay up, here’s what you do next: buy a shovel and start digging that foot out yo’ jive turkey ass.
I’m not sure if I’m saying that right. The Luke Cage comic had some problems. He had all the rage of a revolutionary 70s black man, but angry black men in the 70s didn’t write no jive funny books. And from the looks of his jibba jabba, I don’t think they even had one around to do part-time consulting. So at any given time, Luke Cage may or may not have been saying things that mean anything. Then this nonsense moon language was sent to people even more square where they put it through a filter to make sure it was rated G. This may be why every panel of every issue, Luke Cage punctuates his sentences by putting his fist through all nearby objects. Because it’s hard to express your anger at the establishment when your mouth only forms kindergarten Madlibs.
In one issue, he gets stiffed on a heroing invoice by Dr. Doom and lets out a string of expletives so confusing to me that I had to call in outside assistance. As I often do in African-American matters, I asked my black girlfriend for help. Was Power Man speaking a forgotten dialect of her people’s tongue? Or was it meaningless gibberish from a mental breakdown that transcended racial differences? This is a word-for-word transcript of our meeting.
Seanbaby: “Sweetie, could you read a page of this Luke Cage comic? I want to verify that he’s talking nonsense, or jive.”
Girlfriend: “What’s Luke Cage’s power?”
Seanbaby: “He’s just tough. He lifts like 40 tons and is kind of bulletproof.”
Girlfriend: “Just tough? They can’t give a nigga’ a freeze ray?”
She never answered my question. I think she may have been covering; embarrassed that she didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about either. I didn’t press the issue because I immediately knew I was going to quote her, and was trying to figure out a polite way to ask her where the apostrophe goes in the n-word.
Ms. Marvel Don’t Need a Man’s Touch
 What a fucking bitch. Wait, what’s that about mustaches? |
If you’re wondering, someone did save Human Torch by superheating a hot dog cart below him until it exploded. I’m serious, look it up.
Ms. Marvel never really had much of an excuse for this behavior. Her saga of psychological problems started with daddy issues so mild that most girls wouldn’t have even grown up to be a stripper, much less this disaster. One rapeless capture into her superhero career, and she develops a crushing fear of touching men. But when she flew into space with the Thing and got hit by cosmic rays, oh wow, she became a rock monster and her ugliest got her to flip out in completely new directions. The second she looked down at her igneous cleavage, she made a snap decision to commit suicide.
There was only one problem: she was too stupid to figure out a way to kill herself. Let’s look at the facts: One of her teammates figured out how to counter a 100 story fall with an exploding hot dog cart, and this bitch can’t kill herself with a whole jungle? You can’t fail harder than that without actually being Phil Collins.
What Storm Can Withstand the Fury of Enclosed Spaces!?
In a fight against Juggernaut and Cassidy in their spacious castle basement, Cassidy mentions the word “tomb” to the X-Men. That’s all it took to send Storm into a claustrophobic fit that leaves her in a heap on the floor for three straight issues. Imagine if he would have said “Small Closet” or “Size 2 Jeans.”
Unlike most of the freakouts in this list, claustrophobia is a real thing. You know, as opposed to taking a crap in your pants when you remember rocket accidents or not touching men because your dad had a mustache. But this basement is large enough for eight jumping and flying mutants to comfortably fight and still leave room for a nutjob to crawl into the corner and cry. You can’t get claustrophobic in something as big as a castle because you would have hung yourself in the car ride there.
The thing that makes this freakout so funny is that the X-Men become more and more pissed at her as they fight. After uselessly punching the invincible Juggernaut for hours, they start to take their frustrations out on Storm, complaining that all their problems would be solved if she’d hit him with some weather. I think they were just being passive aggressive, though; because when she does pull her shit together, her first lightning bolt bounces off the Juggernaut and she knocks herself out.
This leads me to two questions. One: What does it take to get fired from the X-Men? And two: You suck, Storm.
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning
9 Reasons Iraqis Suck at Jumping Jacks
7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People
If Aquaman Comics Knew How Much Aquaman Sucks
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 9th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I’m pretty sure I’m not the first to point out that “You suck, Storm.” is NOT a question. Seanbaby, I love the fact that you always give us the coolest ideas for comic books, but your articles need an extra dose of funny to be CRACKED-APPROVED. Keep tryin, and I’ll keep readin’ (and naggin’).
September 1st, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Does anyone else think it’s funny that Ms.Marvel refuses to touch a man, despite the fact that she jumps out to save some one she describes as a “he”? “HE’S falling like a rock…” “But if I time my leap just right, I can catch HIM!” in the original narration, it even says “…to meet HIS plummeting form…” Why didn’t she just refuse to jump out in the first place?
It could just be a generic thing, using “he”, but if she said it that way on purpose, then I agree; she really spazzed out there.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am
@ Jennifer: I googled Gonzaga. I couldn’t find a definition or use of the word that had a negative connotation in relationship to balls.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:10 pm
@ Naomi Munroe: What made that all so stupid is that Storm was trapped under the rubble with her (dead) mother for three days as a child and came out okay, but as an adult with superduperwowwhatthehell powers, she freaks out in a heartbeat. Thank God that was finally written out.
I love me some Seanbaby, but if you ever say that Storm sucks again, I’ll have to Gonzaga your nuts. (Google it.)
August 23rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Hey, mr.Wolf. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the article instead of leaving essays in the comments page.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:26 am
[...] Six Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit [Cracked.com] [...]
August 17th, 2009 at 11:40 am
“You know, as opposed to taking a crap in your pants when you remember rocket accidents or not touching men because your dad had a mustache.”
Not entirely sure why but this line made me lol hard
August 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
[...] 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their S**T. [...]
August 14th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
And later in Juan Artega’s article, we learn Ms. Marvel not only overcomes her androphobia, but is fine with being the target of incest rape by her son who was also concieved twice by brainwash rape who she later falls in love with. …Yeah, Ms Marvel has some problems.
August 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
This is one of the funniest articles Ive read in a long time. I wish I could subscribe to anything you write, or get an email update whenever you post. This is comedic GOLD. I am now a HUGE cracked fan. Keep up the good work.
August 1st, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Tie her up and leave her in a shed for hours as a kid and Storm is not only peachy, but manages to escape with a smile…but mention the word “tomb” is a giant castle and she’ll freak right the fuck out.
Ah, those kooky X-Men.
July 26th, 2009 at 6:39 am
When gay was invented? How classy.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Kinda surprised Scarlet Witch isn’t on there, since her shit-losing mixed into her superpower. Craphouse crazy and screwing with reality doesn’t mix to well, most of the time. Then again, this is the same comic universe with an alcoholic wearing a red & yellow WMD.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
It’s been quite a while since i’ve read a worthwhile article on Cracked.
Al Kaholic:
Reply: That’s because it’s like The Easter Bunny and a smart blonde–they don’t exist.
Are you those type a people who do shit just to tell people there how stupid they are for being there or doing what they’re doing? like going to a concert just to tell people how much the band sucks?
June 14th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Really funny article until the last part…
Don’t talk about Storm…
Fuck you.
May 30th, 2009 at 6:55 am
My favorite of the lot - “Like here.” “What the-?” “Fuck you, Human Torch.”
May 24th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
It’s been quite a while since i’ve read a worthwhile article on Cracked.
Reply: That’s because it’s like The Easter Bunny and a smart blonde–they don’t exist.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:02 am
10/10…awesome as usual
May 15th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
I think “Suck Hulk’s dick, logic!” is my new favorite catchphrase.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Cyclops is such a crybaby, can’t hide that he’s a mutant? The Beast is COVERED IN BLUE FUR.
May 9th, 2009 at 2:41 am
What about Hal Jordan? Flips out becomes evil and nearly kills the Green Lantern Corps?
Wolverine loses his shit every other comic….which tends to help him…
Finally…..thats all I got.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
this article was great
April 30th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Anthony, “BAMF” is the sound made when Nightcrawler teleports…
April 30th, 2009 at 8:51 am
I like how there is a subtle ‘BAMF’ in the lower left corner of the Storm comic to signify that the Juggernaut is indeed a bad ass mother fucker.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:22 am
…or not touching men because your dad had a mustache.
Priceless.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Good stuff, Seanbaby. Glad to see you’re back to the humor.
Mr. Wolf? You’re wasting your breath. There are always going to be morons who live for pointing out seriousness in the face of comedic effect. There are people out there who always find something to be offended by. Why? Because if you go looking to be offended, you are guaranteed to find it.
I’m Irish. I can find a megaton of Irish jokes and something about drinking too much.
Politically correct morons traverse the net just looking for a place where they can show off their level of offendedness. If one doesn’t exist, they’ll create it. It’s because of douches like this that companies feel they have to put instructions on a box of toothpicks to avoid lawsuits.
Levels of Offense:
5- Small amount. This is known as slightly irked. People with this will mostly just warn you about something
4- medium amount. This is known as getting a tad pissed off. These will probably tell you what offended them with a minimum of idiotic rage.
3- Pissing their pants. This is where they have become determined to make a nuisance out of themselves but still have a modicum of restraint. These’ll spout out hatred mixed with puppy dog love so they don’t sound like a total asshole. Will forego bathroom visit in order to post over and over.
2- Stick up their ass. This one will sound holier than thou despite shouting hate speech that would make the most ardent neo Nazi proud, but directed at whites. Will often refer to an online site backing them up, but when you go to this site, you realize it’s just the National Enquirer on your computer.
1- Hulking out. Hulk Smash. Hulk don’t like jokes about green things. ARGGGG. How dare offend Broccoli fans!!
April 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Sorry for the double post, not sure what happened.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
@ummmmm
“i was most taken in by your argument that i can’t be real..blah…blah…blah.. sure sign of mental illness.”
I was not questioning whether or not there was a person who was posting as a dork named “Ummmm”. What I was unsure of was whether or not you seriously believed that shit you were saying. If were able to comprehend my statement, that would have been clear.
“also i was pointing out that seanbaby felt the need to let us know that he had a black girlfriend (complete with link to prove authenticity of said black girlfriend) either to seem cool or so that he could use the n-word without reprisal. either way it makes him the le douche.”
No. Not only did you NOT point that out in your original post, you actually said the exact opposite, going as far as praising Seanbaby for having a black girlfriend “it shows you to be an interesting and respectable human being”
And once again you miss the point entirely. Having a black girlfriend does not automatically make you cool or gain the ability to “use the n-word without reprisal.” If you think it does then that makes YOU the the the the the le douche.
“and you never really responded to my argument. making fun of the poor writting …blah…blah…blah… worth the read.”
I responded to all or your arguments. No where in your first post did that statement appear. I’ll agree with it though. Making fun of the poor writtttttttttting in old comics does not make one particularly witty, nor does it make the article worth the read.
What makes Seanbaby witty is his sense of humor, what makes it worth the read is the enjoyment that one gets by reading a funny article.
Now if you wrote an article about the poor writing in old comics, I am sure it would be boring, badly spelled and not at all funny.
You see, its not the subject matter of an article that makes it funny or not, it its the quality of the writing.
“also please dont make fun of people for their problems with literacy….its mean.”
Ahh finally we come to the point of this completely ignorant and useless flame war. You come on here and make a bunch of asinine ‘critiques’ of seanbabys article, not a single bit of it constructive. What your comments basically boil down to is “I don’t understand it, therefore I do not think its funny so I will post my comments and try and persuade others that it is not funny. Not that I can write anything funny myself, I just like to post random asshole comments about others peoples work on the internet.”
And then you have the nerve to complain about me being ‘mean’ to you?
Did you stop to think what effect your negative comments had on Seanbaby? Do you not think “Your article sucks and its not funny, you other people should not like it either!” is being just a little mean?
That is what I meant when I advised you to think about your comments before you post them. If you do not want others to be ‘mean’ to you, don’t you think you should give others the same respect?
Just because you can be anonymous because you are on the internet, does not give you the license to be a dick whenever you feel like it. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.
Your beloved,
-Wolf
<3 XOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOO <3
April 27th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@ummmmm
“i was most taken in by your argument that i can’t be real..blah…blah…blah.. sure sign of mental illness.”
I was not questioning whether or not there was a person who was posting as a dork named “Ummmm”. What I was unsure of was whether or not you seriously believed that shit you were saying. If were able to comprehend my statement, that would have been clear.
“also i was pointing out that seanbaby felt the need to let us know that he had a black girlfriend (complete with link to prove authenticity of said black girlfriend) either to seem cool or so that he could use the n-word without reprisal. either way it makes him the le douche.”
No. Not only did you NOT point that out in your original post, you actually said the exact opposite, going as far as praising Seanbaby for having a black girlfriend “it shows you to be an interesting and respectable human being”
And once again you miss the point entirely. Having a black girlfriend does not automatically make you cool or gain the ability to “use the n-word without reprisal.” If you think it does then that makes YOU the the the the the le douche.
“and you never really responded to my argument. making fun of the poor writting …blah…blah…blah… worth the read.”
I responded to all or your arguments. No where in your first post did that statement appear. I’ll agree with it though. Making fun of the poor writtttttttttting in old comics does not make one particularly witty, nor does it make the article worth the read.
What makes Seanbaby witty is his sense of humor, what makes it worth the read is the enjoyment that one gets by reading a funny article.
Now if you wrote an article about the poor writing in old comics, I am sure it would be boring, badly spelled and not at all funny.
You see, its not the subject matter of an article that makes it funny or not, it its the quality of the writing.
“also please dont make fun of people for their problems with literacy….its mean.”
Ahh finally we come to the point of this completely ignorant and useless flame war. You come on here and make a bunch of asinine ‘critiques’ of seanbabys article, not a single bit of it constructive. What your comments basically boil down to is “I don’t understand it, therefore I do not think its funny so I will post my comments and try and persuade others that it is not funny. Not that I can write anything funny myself, I just like to post random asshole comments about others peoples work on the internet.”
And then you have the nerve to complain about me being ‘mean’ to you?
Did you stop to think what effect your negative comments had on Seanbaby? Do you not think “Your article sucks and its not funny, you other people should not like it either!” is being just a little mean?
That
April 26th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Dear Mr. Wolf,
i was most taken in by your argument that i can’t be real. in which case im concerned for your metal health as an argument with an anonymous fake person via a comment post is a sure sign of mental illness.
also i was pointing out that seanbaby felt the need to let us know that he had a black girlfriend (complete with link to prove authenticity of said black girlfriend) either to seem cool or so that he could use the n-word without reprisal. either way it makes him the le douche (yes that is two “the”s).
and you never really responded to my argument. making fun of the poor writting in old comics does not make one particularly witty nor does it make the article worth the read.
also please dont make fun of people for their problems with literacy….its mean.
love
me
April 26th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
@ummmm
You are a douche.
Yes, you are missing something. You are undoubtedly missing a great many things.
Paragraph 2 is your typical straw man statement. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man
You are correct when you say that “comics are silly and often unintentionally hilarious *espeacially when published before 1985″ is not a funny statement. That’s why they did not title their article that.
“accurate observations and observational humor are two distinct things”
You are correct in a way, however observational humor is usually funnier if the observations happens to be accurate.
Hey, did you notice how Bruce Banner was completely justified in his hatred of rainbows? I mean who doesn’t freak out at those spooky rainbows? They ain’t natural! Am I right?….No?… chirp chirp chirp…
“seanbaby i dont know who you are but this article didn’t do it for me (KUDOS on the black girlfriend though…it shows you to be an interesting and respectable human being…assuming you are white which is a safe assumption because you wrote an internet comedy article about comic books)”
Maybe I am the douche. You can’t be real right? This is some sort of subtle non-accurate observational humor or something right? First your racist statement about how Seanbaby must be white because he writes about comics on the net would be funny if I knew you were joking about it. And the statement that he is automatically interesting and respectable because he happens to date a black girl is only funny because of how bullshit it is.
Please take a moment to actually stop and think about your comments before you post them. It doesn’t hurt after a while, you kind of get used to it.
*PROTIP: Learn to use spell check, its much easier than learning how to spell!
April 25th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
are the people posting saying this was funny being sarcastic or do they truly find this to be humerous?
did i miss something?
listen i am a comic fan…but this article could have been titled “comcis are silly and often unintentionally hilarious espeacially when published before 1985″…thats a true statement but not a funny one.
it woudl be like writting an article about how corny and over the top david the nome was (hi kids face here)…accurate observations and observational humor are two distinct things.
seanbaby i dont know who you are but this article didn’t do it for me (KUDOS on the black girlfriend though…it shows you to be an interesting and respectable human being…assuming you are white which is a safe assumption because you wrote an internet comedy article about comic books)
April 25th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
@Chris
They can hold it together because it’s packed in so tightly.
April 25th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
notice they’re all Marvel.
DC heroes can at least hold their shit together.
April 24th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I kinda got tired of comics about the time Spiderman sold his wife to the devil and became Ben Reilly or whatever the hell. By that point comics had become so much of a baww fest I expected every issue to include a free razor blade.
Remember Spidey it’s down the road not across the street.
April 24th, 2009 at 5:37 am
[...] when Unreality posted its 8 Examples of When Superheroes Go Bad and Cracked upped the ante with 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit, thereby enabling us – the shameless scavengers – to create this master list of 14 Superheroes [...]
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Good to see ya still around Seanbaby.
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:03 am
Dude, your girlfriend is a bilingual transnational superstar from the future? This is FAR more important than some stupid list of comic characters. Please tell us more.
April 21st, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Ed Chevy called. He mostly just went like “buhdurrrrg.”
April 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Stereotype or not, Luke Cage has balls most of us only dream about having if he actually wants to go after Doctor Doom for some money.
April 20th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Seanbaby,
As a long time fan of your writing and devouted cracked.com reader, I think the rest of the cracked reader base will agree when I say “It is time to resurrect ‘The Rest of the Crap’!”
April 20th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
This was freaking hilarious, but I’m sad you only had Marvel characters here. No room for Hal Jordan? Superboy-Prime? No?
April 19th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Funny, as hell great post!
April 19th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
I just read that Luke Cage story a few months ago, and man, I’m sorry, going to Latveria and doing a “Repo man” on Doctor Freakin’ DOOM, because he owes you money? That made me laugh and also made me a Luke Cage Fan for LIFE! Enough teenage angst, you gotta get yours!
Oh, and He talked so funny because they don’t put curses in a comic book. (Not in those days, any way) Sweet Christmas, are you such a jive turkey I had to explain it?
Anyway, it was a super article, bravo!
April 19th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Thank god you’re back Seanbaby. The intertubes have value again. Amazing article. I’ve never read a comic book in my life nor have i paid attention to any of those super heros and still I loved it
April 19th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
pardon me, that’s fatchicksinpartyhats.com! sorry!
April 19th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Good to see Seanbaby writing, his website is a scream, and you can’t miss fatchicksipartyhats.com! Good work Sean!
April 17th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
YES!!!! More Seanbaby at last, and on Cracked even. I do believe nirvana has been officially reached.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Greatest Moment In The History of Marvel Comics (drum roll please):
Spider-Man teaching The Beyonder (in his mortal form…”Secret Wars II”) how to take a shit….seriously…look it up.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Seanbaby, I don’t know what it is about you, but you make me giggle like a little bitch. I subscribed to EGM SOLELY because I read one of my friends, got to the Rest of the Crap, and laughed myself to tears. I’m SO fucking glad you’re here, because your style in humor meshes perfectly with my tastes.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
To much text, he is funny or he is not funny…. This comment trail is fantastic… you’re all as stupid as the next one. Its personal opinion guys don’t get your knickers in a knot.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
[...] it just me or is Cracked’s list of 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit a little short on DC characters? I’d definitely say Batman and Superman have had their [...]
April 17th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Smack, with respect, having a guy beating up his wife, unfortunately, is a fairly human thing, though hopefully going away as a society matures, its a horrible thing. being a female superhero flying through the air and not catching the human torch, because of his manhood, is a little crazy. should the iron man being an alcoholic and flying drunk be in this article? actually him flying drunk is funny, but i hope you get my point. And don’t live out your repressed homo-eroticism vicariously through me, get a sense of humor, and top gun reference is lost on me, but what do i expect you repressed little hater
April 17th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Nicht lustig.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Best article I’ve read here. Did not stop laughing.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:23 am
best article on Cracked.com, hands down.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Real funny, I’m hooked.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Everybody’s got their own tastes. If you don’t care for a particular piece or someone’s writing style in general, it’s easy to avoid. All it takes is clicking on a different link. For me, the addition of another talented writer gives me more to read and decide if the work entertained me or not. To this day some will swear out loud that Freddy Got Fingered is the greatest movie ever made, whereas I got physically ill and turned it off after five minutes. *shrug* That’s just me, and I fully expect the next dozen posts to include some conjugation of “asshat”.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Pure gold.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Wanna hook up with those 18+ hot models, sexy girls and handsome guys, just join the best and largest tall dating club: http://tallconnect.com , We bring together tall-dating minded singles from USA, UK, Canada, Australia, Europe and more.
April 17th, 2009 at 8:06 am
[...] 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit - [Cracked] [...]
April 17th, 2009 at 7:47 am
[...] how he made superheroes relatable. He took larger-than-life characters and gave them human problems.read more | digg [...]
April 17th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Awesome article, very funny. Useless comment, but maybe it balances out some of the asshats.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:48 am
@ fuckacounts
You’re right, that is quite clever, intentionally or not. It’s certainly better than ‘motherlover’ and similar expresions.
I also just realised everybody focused on here is in Marvel Ultimate Alliance. I love that game.
April 17th, 2009 at 5:31 am
When I try to kill myself, my first attempt is always to try thumping a log into my chest…
April 17th, 2009 at 4:25 am
I love how Spider Man busts out of a phone booth, shouting “NOOOOOO!”, and all one guy in the foreground can say is a mildly annoyed “Geez.”
April 17th, 2009 at 3:30 am
And a new star arises!
Funny side note on Luke Cage’s PG rantings, Dr. Doom (PHD in Apocalyptic Studies) is the son of an actual witch (like with teh spells and shit)!
April 17th, 2009 at 3:26 am
meet like minded freaks and share tips or find out who is that guy looking at you and why dose he have underwear on his/hers head. find out at:
http://www.icanseeyousleeping.com
April 17th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Haha. I used to read Seanbaby’s Rest of the Crap in EGM untill it went under.
I’m glad he’s still writing.
April 17th, 2009 at 2:04 am
sean berndt
An angry, angry young man…
April 17th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Oh man, this one had me in tears. Seanbaby is really at the top of his game with this article.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I like how Miss Marvel’s elaborate plan to save the Human Torch is nearly complete, until she suddenly realizes “wait, that’s not what I do” and stops.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Why is there an apostrophe in nigga?
April 16th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Well, I’m neither a Seanbaby hater or asskisser… in fact, I had little idea of who he even was because I suck at the internet, and have little desire to invest time its wierd little cultures and asinine intricacies.
But anyway, from a completely neutral position, I can say that I giggled like a fool through this whole thing, and had to reread much of it twice just to make sure I was reading it all right. Thank you, Sean, for bringing me a little more laughter today.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I just can’t comprehend how we get comedy entertainment completely for FREE and yet still we have little bitches complain about how crap the article was or is. And not to mention that this site is updated EVERY FUCKING DAY! So every fucking day you get to read sometimes awesomely funny articles and all you can do is complain about how crap it is. Get a fucking life!
I think if you didn’t like the article it is okay to say you didn’t like it, but Jesus do you have to be such bloody babies about it. I would like to see you stupid little fuckers come up with something funny every week! Go ahead, and then post it on here. Good luck, cause all you fuckers can come up with is stupid little flames.
Seanbaby keep up the good work and ignore the little idiots with no lives.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
@ seanberndt
Jesus fucking Christ. All I meant was a guy beating up his wife is slightly more an impressive freak out than having daddy issues.
Although your own daddy issues seem to have manifested fairly magnificently. Is there a reason you seem to think I’m gay? Or are you trying to find an outlet for suppressed homo tendencies other than masturbating while you have your dad’s sweaty boxers on your face, while you watch Top Gun?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
I’d like to deliver some mad kudos to the people that run Cracked for being completely different from those that post in the comments section. The underlying thread of those who hate Seanbaby’s work is quite simple to see. They can’t stand the fact that a guy who built up a huge reputation somewhere else is now here delivering the mad funny.
I dig Seanbaby’s articles because he doesn’t halfass them. He takes a topic and totally dives in. It’s far less entertaining to read a congealed paragraph.
The haters will continue to hate. I’m sure someone will call me names or say that I’m acting all high and mighty but, well, screw them. If I’m a hypocrite then so be it. Maybe I can match your highbrow views of comedy by informing you that you should eat a big, throbby veiner.
Rock on Seanbaby and continue to burn the effin’ house down.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Why are these all Marvel? Mon-El beating the shit out of Supergirl in the Legion HQ…
April 16th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Classic, hilarious Seanbaby. Unlike the other contributors (who are/were funny, but are stuck in the top 10 cookie cutter format), this article made me laugh out loud several times.
Seriously… don’t listen to these guys who can’t read your large chunks of text. Cracked needs your diversity.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
and guys? your reading a cracked fucking article, you are not special, you are not a unique snowflake, if you think your smart cause of the cracked reading, then you are gay and deserve all the demerits that being gay entitles, just not in a homosexual way, because you are just pretentious cunts commenting in a hateful way. dumbass
April 16th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
smackjack, stop being a little bitch and trying to sound cool and analytical, sharon ventura not saving the Human fucking Torch because he has a flaming penis, which obviously frightens you on many levels, is not the same thing as hank pym beating his wife, this is the retarded marvel superhero freakouts, not the relationshiply challenged size changing freakout page, hank pym is a bitch, but rainbows do not enrage him you fucking shmuck
April 16th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
You people that act like Cracked is the “big time” or some shit need to relax. Nobody outside of net nerds even know about this site (seriously, bring it up with some regular folks at work or something). To act like somehow it’s a crime for Seanbaby to come in and write for Cracked is below this website’s standards is retarded. You whining bitches just sound threatened because you KNOW Seanbaby is considered hilarious by most everyone that’s ever read his stuff and you’re afraid he’s gonna show the nobodies at Cracked how it’s done. I say I’m glad he’s here and maybe he can bring this site more attention than it currently gets. If you little girls can’t stop complaining that a semi-well-known comedy writer got a job here, then don’t read his stuff. But stop shitting on those of us that are smart enough to get his jokes and have an attention span long enough that we don’t need our comedy writing to be one paragraph full of dick jokes and nothing else.
Fucking pussies.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
@SmackJack
Wow, don’t take this too seriously, you fucking Mary.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
So marvel’s Henry Pym (Yellowjacket) can beat the snot out of his wife in a drunken rage…..and that doesn’t qualify as losing your shit? But this Miss Marvel tool having the comic book version of a bad hair day gets counted. Yeah that makes sense and it’s funny too! Or not
April 16th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
This is the stupidest fucking article ever. All Marvel. I expected to see some worthwhile shit here like Green Lantern turning into Parallax or Pikach
April 16th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Arcade puts people in Murderworld not Murdercade.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Dudes… I have never even heard of Seanbaby in my entire life, and I think this article was hilarious. So was that other article that was a repost from his site or whatever. His last blog post wasn’t the greatest ever, but it as pretty good for a first time. I’ve got to say that people that think only old fans of his think he’s funny are way off base.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
seanbaby makes me giggle, but…not enough.
His stuff is too drawn out, and just not that funny. This article didn’t suck, it’s just not cracked material
April 16th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
This was good, but is it a rehash from somwthingawful again? Kinda long too, stick with your regular format, cracked.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Nah, ain’t gonna retort, even though I am a nerd. I hope to grow up to be a geek someday.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Is it just me or does seanbaby’s style of writing not really fit in with the cracked thing. It all seems to be based around quite nerdy unfunny shite so far.
This site used to be about witty satire and, more importantly, dick jokes.
This article has a few things against it. It’s long winded, lacks consistancy, the subject matter has been done to death and underlining all the issues is that it is just not funny, plain and simple.
The only ssaving grace is that his writing career at cracked is in its infancy and will no doubt improve after a few months hanging out with some of the internets best comedic writers.
Feel free to retort for criticising your hero, nerds.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Hal Jordan anyone? Destroyed the universe to remake it after losing his shyte?
April 16th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
I remember laughing at the spider man comic when I first read those panels. It was so stupid.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
hehheh - I love that most of those are from Claremont X-men issues.
It would be awesome if they were all in the SAME Claremont X-men issue!
April 16th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Seanbaby is never funny. I am disappointed he is here Cracked.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
This mother fucker right here liked this article, il tell you that much twice if youd listen
April 16th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Awesome. Cracked articles have been informative, a bit preachy, and anything but all that funny lately. Seanbaby, great job.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Seanbaby is always disappointing
.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Dada: Batman & Spider-Man get a lot of credit, but The Rogues are the greatest collection of super-criminals ever
April 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
“Ah mission control, this is some guy trying to be funny by imitating an astronaut talking to like uh NASA or something… I’m really grasping at straws here…. can someone please bail me out of this shitty article?”
Even for Cracked (the self proclaimed leader in listed-based-sarcastic-comedy) this list is pretty fucking weak. I like comics more than most people but find this a terrible stretch. Also, this writer gargles nut sack and washes it down with man-chowder.
-S
April 16th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
This was the best article I’ve ever read in this website, no doubt about it. While most articles only make me chuckle at most, this one had me laughing out loud through the whole thing.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I want my two or three minutes back
April 16th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
To the guy that asked if Captain Cold was black or an eskimo. No, he’s just a white dude. An awesome white dude.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
and who writes about super hero flip outs and leaves out the likes of batman or wolverine? They’re character outlines must read ’skits out for no damn reason’ for every issue they’ve ever had published
April 16th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I tried to read this article keeping an open mind, but honestly, this just not funny. seanbaby may well have a well established audience elsewhere on the internet, but that doesn’t mean he can go anywhere and pull numbers. Chevy Chase was awesome when he was doing the weekend update, and as history-and Cracked now I thnk about it-has taught us, that talent never translated into anything decent ever again. Get funny or fuck off.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Seanbaby, holy shit. Great article.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
article sucked….hard!
really hard, major fail!
i’ve yet to read something funny from seanbaby,
so far he delivered zilch…
April 16th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Frank Miller take note.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
It’s things like this that make me love Alan Moore even… more. Damn, that wasn’t eloquent at all.
April 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
awesome. I was laughing my ass off from start to finish.
ps - your GF is hot.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Good article and funny as hell. The thing freaked out all the time, but I guess it was more like wallowing in self pity.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@Craig Bayfield
… and Mercury and Beak and Litterbug and Rockslide and Onyxx and Quill and…
April 16th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
That’s right Summers. You are the ONE X-MAN who can’t hide who he is.
Ignoring say… Beast or Angel.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
This was fuckin’ A++ Seanbaby, good work.
April 16th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
To haters:
I think people who reads comics would understand this article better. Seanbaby knows thiese characters extremely well.
There was a point in history where all comics are really professionally-written fanfiction that got published. (But many are good)
Regarding black people with freeze rays:
Isn’t that Captain Cold (enemy of The Flash)? He seems to dark to be Caucasian. Or is he actually an eskimo?
April 16th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
now that’s a good post
April 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
this is so bad that not even the most frustrated, tiny-dick cracked reader could describe it
April 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
This was fucking great. I remember reading the issue where Storm gets all claustrophobic and thinking “That fucking place fits the Juggernaut and a good portion of the X-Men, which makes it a good deal bigger than my apartment, so what’s the issue, again?”
@Oregano Angercock: “A menagerie of shit smeared retarded feral children..” I think you nailed it with that one. You should read the comments on any article that is even remotely political, it will destroy any hope you might have held for the human race.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I like comics.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Awesome seanbaby, keep ‘em coming.
I bet someone abused Bruce Banner with a pack of Skittles.
“taste the rainbow, bitch, that’s right”
April 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Jive talkin’(You know how DR Doom gets with slang)
Freakin Motherless(because his mother is in another dimension, see?)
Candidate for the psycho hatch(I bet it’s some sort of supervillain beauty pageant).
Done.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
seventeen
April 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Why is cracked being so hard on Phil Collins today?
Because he is a wanker.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
In Storm’s defense, anyone who has been buried under a rock slide and left there for days has every right to be claustrophobic.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
@ Sean’s baby:
I think Seanbaby is hysterical, but I also think Shakespeare is kinda funny. Looks like I’m intangible! YES!
April 16th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
*Sniff*
Watch what you say, Seanbaby!
My grandfather was killed fighting a robot corndog! And let me tell you it was an ugly, messy death– what with the mustard and everything.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
“Suck hulk’s dick, logic!”
I’m forwarding this to ed norton so he can use his rewrites to get this line in the next movie
April 16th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Seanbaby writing for Cracked is the first reason I’ve had to venture into the comments section in a long time. It’s like a menagerie of shit-smeared retarded feral children out here.
The article was awesome and your girlfriend is a keeper. “They can’t give a nigga’ a freeze ray?”
April 16th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Booooo. I don’t like Seanbaby.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:25 am
not funny at all
the jokes in this article are only meh-worthy and even those are few and far between
i think the problem is that the humor is isolated throughout the article in single jokes leaving the article as a whole dry and unfunny.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Beyond funny.
Oh, and fuck all you haters. You just wish you could write half as good as Seanbaby could. Sean’s a legitimate tough guy, gets laid by a hot girlfriend, and is funny. You all wank off in your parent’s basement, get beat up by a plastic spoon, and think Shakespeare is funny. Suck it.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Bend me over and own me Seanbaby i want you inside me
April 16th, 2009 at 11:03 am
“Once you see how accident-prone he is, it’s easy to see why he spends so much time as the Hulk.”
Easily my favorite line from this. I had to pause for a couple of minutes cause I couldn’t stop laughing.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Wow, brilliant article, Sean. You actually make me have some respect for the name my parents gave me, screwed-up spelling and all. This is the sort of article I like, and not just because I’m a comic-book fan.
Also, it looks like DoctorChaos needs to get a new psuedonym, his current one is getting raped harder than, well, I’ll let you guys fill in your your own analogy. You’re probably better at it than me.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Lordy but this one is quite good.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Good Article Seanbaby!
The conversation with your girlfriend was great. Especially when you explained why you weren’t going to “press the issue”. On a related note, how long have you been dating your girlfriend? It seems like a few years at least.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:12 am
This was really funny. I might just be saying this because I’m a comic book nerd but I was laughing throughout.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Seanbaby on Cracked. I may now die a happy man. (Saw it on seanbaby.com first, by the way.)
April 16th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Read, read, read, read, read, kinda funny, read, read, read, nice insight, read, read, read, scratched the surface of a joke, read, read, read, run-on sentence, read, read, almost a joke, read, read, a little clever, end.
Are we going to do this every week?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:44 am
this was hilarious. thank you for it.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Phil Collins is better than Jesus. He will be avenged!
April 16th, 2009 at 9:30 am
b,
I’ve read the issue. Storm was in a car on the way there, actually. But it was a convertible with the top down, so she was okay.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:06 am
All of these mutants are a waste of space. I would have murdered all the corrupt people that they were fighting against.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:02 am
also why would there be an apostrophe in “nigga”?
April 16th, 2009 at 9:00 am
i doubt storm was in a car on the way there
April 16th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Holy crap, “Valhalla awaits your birth canal” was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen you write.
I don’t get why people aren’t digging this. It’s classic SB. I’ve been reading your stuff for like 8 years now, loving it all the time.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Seanbaby’s back! He owes me back child support on this bastard child I’ve been raising for the past 5 years.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:47 am
I don’t really think anyone should be complaining about this one. This one was legitimately funny, much more than the first two. I expected this to happen, I remembered Seanbaby as a funny individual.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:28 am
April 16th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Funny , i will uploaded this to tall dating site ___Tallconnect.com___ to share with my best friends,especially the hot models.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Seems like every time they used Storm in the 90’s cartoon, they had to sit down and say “how can we trap the btch in a tight space this week?”
April 16th, 2009 at 8:05 am
[...] videos of reporters being owned -Pork and beans results in a man getting stabbed. Yeah, really -6 superheroes who completely lost their shit -10 amazing hotel views (actually kind of cool) -The 10 funniest movie fight scenes -The 10 most [...]
April 16th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Nice one, Seanbaby!
Too many Doctorchaos’s on this board now. I don’t know which is the real one. Probably the one who hates everything.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:50 am
You write high brow humor mixed with dick jokes…its a good mix but the subtlety seems to be lost on alot of these readers. If you didn’t like Seanbaby when he wrote for EGM then you probably won’t like him here. I loved his articles and his website before he came here…and I doubt seriously he is going to change because a few people don’t get his jokes
April 16th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I’ve seen this article done better. Than again, I never really thought Seanbaby was that funny so whatever.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Robot Corndog is a formidable nemesis…
April 16th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I got to the hulk when I had to stop reading cuz I didn’t laugh once. I think Seanbaby has a genuine sense of humor but he’s having a hard time adapting to cracked.
This is your second article so it is excusable, you have the power to be funnier than Brockway (not funny at all), don’t waste it!
April 16th, 2009 at 7:17 am
I may actually agree with doctorchaos. Funnier than the last one, but still a while to go
April 16th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Are you sure Storm isn’t upset because someone had a bukkake fetish and splooged in her eyes?
April 16th, 2009 at 7:07 am
“Unlike most of the freakouts in this list, claustrophobia is a real thing. You know, as opposed to taking a crap in your pants when you remember rocket accidents or not touching men because your dad had a mustache.”
I laughed so hard at that point that I swallowed my tongue a little. Brilliant article.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:05 am
This has to be the BEST shit I’ve read all fucking year. SWAIM, drag your sorry ass over here and take a good look at this will you. it has it all. THIS folks is what funny is all about.
Igneous Cleavage and taking the piss out of Phil Collins = PURE WIN!
Good shit Sean, keep up this level of work as long as you can.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Why is Cracked being so hard on Phil Collins today? In the Air Tonight was a great song.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:49 am
“Because it’s hard to express your anger at the establishment when your mouth only forms kindergarten Madlibs.”
The Luke Cage part was the funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site. Great article.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:35 am
man, hulk’s gonna fuck up a rainbow…
funny shit.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Fantastic.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:30 am
That first Cyclops bit has to be Claremont, Claremont who continuously has every single Xman constantly say out loud what their power is and how they are going to use it to save someone.
“I’ll save you with my weather manipulation powers, making the wind create a comfy cushion to break your fall!”
“With my ice powers I can freeze the water molecules in the air and create an ice bridge so that the elephants can cross!”
Which is why, Claremont sucks. He might’ve been on point 100 years ago, but he is someone who should’ve been put out to pasture with Stan Lee, where they can do no more harm.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Sure, Storm’s claustrophobia is a major hindrance. But you’re forgetting one key point: during the “X-Tinction Agenda” storyline, she looked rocking with a bald head.
April 16th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Should have mentioned that’s the Sharon Ventura Ms. Marvel - Carol Danvers had no problems with Tony Stark’s “moustache.”
Nope, she just had her teammates abandon her to get constantly raped by the time-traveling Immortus. She said they should’ve known she was mind-controlled when she went with him willingly. It’s a long, crazy, convoluted story.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:56 am
So Ms. Marvel’s arch nemesis is… Tom Selleck?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:52 am
MIKHAIL!!
fucking priceless.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Seanbaby…run for your life.
You pissed of some creepy obese christian.
Type seanbaby on youtube and watch the first clip.
FUCK thats creepy.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Man, Seanbaby, don’t listen to the haters here. I just don’t think they get the subtle humor innate to the comic medium you chose to write about.
Great article, and coming from a life-long comic book reader, that was some funny shit!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:44 am
horrible article
April 16th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Seanbaby is spot on about Cage. Cool as he is, it’s what happens when a comic made by white people is trying to be ‘hip’ and ’street’ or whatever. He’s waaaaayyy improved in his present adventures, however.
Somehow, the words ‘igneous cleavage’ sounds hot. (and before anybody ask, this Ms Marvel is different than the current Ms Marvel you find in comics)
April 16th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Shrug.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Meh. I found myself largely unamused by this article. It was decent, but not great. A couple chuckles, but no big laughs.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:36 am
That’s better crow zampano.
It helps to admit you’re a total douchebag.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I’ve been a huge fan of Seanbaby since his article in EGM on renting one video game from Blockbuster for a month. I’m glad to see him writing more articles again.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Excellent article, as always. Now, I must finish Secret Agent Barbie…
April 16th, 2009 at 5:34 am
I think Ms. Marvel does have a point with the whole hating men thing. I mean, mustaches are f*cking terrifying.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:33 am
I’m sorry, Seanbaby.
I shouldn’t take out my frustrations on you.
It’s not your fault that I have an inverted penis and that the only language I’m fluent in is unfounded, sardonic criticism.
Now where did I put my rape kit?
/eats 3 cans of cheez whiz simultaneously
April 16th, 2009 at 5:32 am
your one bad mother (shut ya mouth) i am just talking about seanbaby (oh i can dig it). Great article
April 16th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Ah Seanbaby, although this style is moderately different from the other columnists, it is still great. An easy way to kill 10-15 minutes of my workday.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:23 am
I keep wondering the same thing: why on earth’s fuck do comic writers tend to bolden some words?! Like Storm’s dialogue (capitals for bold letters, here):
“There are your FRIENDS being killed, your friends who CRY OUT to you for AID! And WHAT is your REPLY..?!”.
I mean, what the fuck?!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:22 am
I found this article hilarious. Through and through.
Rainbows, Tombs and ickle men. All the edge you need in a fight against heroes.
So did Ms. Marvel ever punch a man? That would be touching them right…?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:16 am
That was fucking great. I loved it.
Oh and crow zampano’s a stupid faggot.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Hulk vs the Rainbow would make an awesome movie by Michael Bay. GJ Seanbaby!
April 16th, 2009 at 5:12 am
I remember reading the Spiderman and Arcade one, and thinking “Well…that was a bit much.” And then you never see Spiderman in that story arch again. He just implodes the phone booth, and moves on with his life I guess.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:55 am
wow, that fucking sucked.
i mean, seriously, just as bad as the other ones you’ve done here.
who the hell are you again?
wait, dont answer that, i don’t care.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:51 am
i also have big boobs
April 16th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Seanbaby! Good job on this article - you made me laugh out loud!
You’ve improved a great deal from the last article on “mocking whatever thingamajig”
Keep up the good work!
Ps. Would you like to have casual sex - i am also a black chick
April 16th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Oh Sean,
Another failure. I’m afraid you’ve caught a case of the DOBs.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:35 am
jees what happened? theres a comic book article and theres not 50,000 comments ?? wait, …it just posted right? my bad.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:33 am
I’m not sure Ms. Marvel attempted suicide just because she turned in to a rock monster with boobs. That could happen to any of us. My guess is she probably just didn’t want to work at McDonald’s any more.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:28 am
A great read through and through. I simply had to save the captioned Miss Marvel bit simply because it was so hilarious.
I admit, I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t include the “Up is Down and Black is White” storyarc for The Punisher MAX. Granted, Frank Castle is already messed up as it is, but this particular tale sees a vengeful mobster digging up the Castle family remains, pissing on their remains and videotaping so he can send the recording to the evening news. The immediate response is a splash page of Castle wearing the most pissed-off expression known to man. What follows is simply page after page of unrepentent slaughter.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:28 am
That was awesome.
I’d have slapped the crap out of Storm and Cyclopse around 1976. I’d do it too Colossus too, but, really, what’s the point. In human form he could step on me.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:24 am
dude,you suck…
April 16th, 2009 at 4:20 am
The digg button at the top of the article is messed up. Not embedded maybe?
April 16th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Not that funny to be honest. It’s been quite a while since i’ve read a worthwhile article on Cracked.
April 16th, 2009 at 4:07 am
lolwut
April 16th, 2009 at 4:03 am
first