6 People So Good At Sex They're Basically Magic

Sex is a lot like food. The less you have of it, the more you want it. And once someone has put their dick into it, you're decidedly done for a while. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not a prude by any means. I like sex as much as the average pervert. I also like eating at expensive restaurants from time to time. But do it three times a day for a whole year, and I'll eventually say, "Can't we just stay home and eat Pop-Tarts tonight?" The best sex is always about timing.

Not everyone got that memo. We've told you before about some of the most professional sex-havers in history, but they are far from the only ones. Here are some more people who should be famous for their superhuman boning abilities.

#6. Benjamin Franklin Boned Well Into His 70s -- Maybe Longer

Tsokur/iStock/Getty Images

This Founding Father spent so much time between the sheets, it is honestly amazing he managed to get anything else done, let alone help start a new country.

Franklin first noticed women when he was 14 and the prostitutes in Boston started catching his eye. Soon, according to his autobiography, "that hard-to-be-governed passion of youth had hurried me frequently into intrigues with low women that fell in my way." In other words, he started banging those prostitutes.

Reinhold Leitner/iStock/Getty Images
Everything sounds classier when you write it old-timey.

When he was 18, Franklin went on a year-long sex tour of London with a friend, James Ralph. Their fun ended when Franklin tried to get with Ralph's girlfriend. He returned to America, fathered an illegitimate son, and married a woman so unattractive that he said she looked like a beer mug. Some of his biographers think he only settled down so he had access to sex whenever he wanted it, which was all the time.

But Franklin really hit his sexual stride once he turned 50. When he went back to London he lived with a woman and her 18-year-old daughter and may have seduced them both. He joined the Hellfire Club, an exclusive gentlemen's club whose meetings were all about alcohol, prostitutes, and orgies. When he moved to Paris in 1776, women threw themselves at him. Despite being in his 70s and suffering from some pretty debilitating illnesses, he was still all about the ladies. John Adams was in France with him and complained that he could never get Franklin to do any real work because he was surrounded by attractive women from morning to night.

DownloadRyan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Hey, you try to do better.

When he died, 20,000 people attended the funeral. It's pretty safe to assume that the majority of those people had bathed in the comet tail of Benjamin Franklin's balls.

#5. The Whole World Worshiped Leslie Hutchinson's Enormous Dong

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images

In the United States during the 1920s and '30s, black men were regularly lynched for just looking at a white woman. Even in the United Kingdom, interracial relationships of any kind were seriously frowned upon. And an interracial GAY relationship? It didn't even bear thinking about. So what do you do if you are the popular black bisexual jazz performer known as "Hutch"? You have sex with absolutely everyone and get away with it.

dailymail.co.uk
Admit it. You'd hit that.

Born in Grenada, Hutch became a musical sensation on Broadway and in London. And since being famous doesn't hurt your ability to bang people, soon he had a string of famous lovers, including the actress Tallulah Bankhead, the composer Cole Porter, and the actor Ivor Novello, as well as dozens of others, celebrities or not. This was despite getting married in 1923. He and his wife had a child together, but in the end he would father 10 kids by seven women, that we know of. (Part of his attraction may have had something to do with the fact that he claimed to have the biggest penis in the world.)

jim pruitt/iStock/Getty Images
Artist's depiction.

One of those lucky women was the unmarried English debutante Elizabeth Corbett. When she realized she was pregnant, she quickly managed to get another guy to marry her and convinced him the child was his. It wasn't until she was literally in labor that she mentioned to her new husband that, oh, by the way, "your" baby might be black.

But Hutch's most notorious affair was with Lady Mountbatten, a minor British royal. She was apparently so enamored of his giant dong that she had a "diamond-encrusted penis sheath" made for him. The rumor at the time was that her husband finally found out about the affair when Lady Mountbatten's vagina slammed shut during sex with Hutch (vaginismus) and the lovers had to be transported to a hospital, where doctors separated them.

#4. Rasputin Boned So Much It Led To His Assassination

angel_photo/iStock/Getty Images

The famous Mad Monk that helped usher in the Russian Revolution was a complex figure. Many different stories exist about him, making him out to be everything from a saint, to a con man, to someone who needed serious mental help. But one thing most of his contemporaries seemed to agree on was that he was a sex machine.

Wikipedia
Those are his bedroom eyes.

After sleeping with most of the girls in his village, getting married, and having a few kids, Rasputin joined a religious order that believed in doing whatever feels good, because religion has its own Rule 34 thing going on: If you can think it, it's out there somewhere. Then he went on a sex tour around Russia. Officially, it was a pilgrimage or whatever, but in reality he was just moving from town to town and having sex with everything that moved, usually during giant orgies.

Rasputin is most famous for his connection to the Russian royal family, but it wasn't like he could just walk into the palace and say hi. He needed to work his way up the social ladder. He did this by sleeping with half the women, and some of the men, in St. Petersburg.

But how did this provincial nobody, who rarely bathed and was covered in lice and sores, get all these upper-class people to have sex with him? Part of it was his unique take on spirituality. He believed that by sinning you were really becoming more holy. So cheating on your husband was not only fine, it was saving your very soul.

Then there was his dick. By all accounts it was porn-star huge. Some people said it was 11 inches flaccid, while others claimed it was a foot long when hard. On top of that, it was said to have a large wart near the tip that made sex with him so pleasurable, some women claimed to have passed out.

local-life.com
Also, this might actually be his penis.

When Rasputin became close to the royal family, rumors inevitably started about him and the Tsarina. These were probably helped along by the fact that one night, while drunk out of his mind, he jumped up on a table in a crowded restaurant, got his dick out, and started shouting about how he fucked the Tsar's wife all the time.

He was so all about getting his bone on that it actually killed him. Rasputin was lured to the house where his assassins were because one of them promised he could have sex with his hot wife. So, guys, the next time you complain that someone has "cock blocked" you, just remember that it could be a whole lot worse.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Kathy Benjamin

  • Rss

More by Kathy Benjamin:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

546 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!