Could I do it? Yes I could, and what I learned may surprise you. Out there beyond the computer screen there was a whole world of wonders I'd been neglecting. Magical things and special people. Interpersonal relationships that had gone neglected due to the deceptive ease and covert evil of the Internet. My week of electronic liberation showed me a better, brighter world I know I will never leave.
The Internet has changed the world, and perhaps in no way more startling and relevant to Cracked writers and readers than in its revolution of pornography. There's a whole world out there of headshakingly, awful, diverse and God-forsaken smut with varying degrees of quality. And it's all free. Well, not all of it, but I shudder to think what people are paying for that they can't find being given away for nothing. It's no surprise that the absence of online porn was my first stumbling block on the road to breaking my Internet addiction.
But here's the thing. Did you know that you can get porn even without the Internet? It's true. Although I can't imagine why, there are still magazines and DVDs of people doing things to each other while not wearing clothes, sometimes with the assistance of various devices. You can even buy some of these magazines at newsstands, stationery stores and, for some reason, airports. Don't be fooled by the brown paper bag they sometimes come in. Underneath? Boobies! No joke.
Don't worry. This isn't the sexy part.
Another thing about these magazines. Don't make the same mistake I did. They don't work like a flip book. They're just filed with stationary dirty pics of different naked people. Flipping the pages fast at the corners won't animate it.
For that, you need to buy a DVD. No, I didn't just misspell "download." A DVD is an actual disc like a compact disc. Oh, um, how can I explain? Like a really flat doughnut that doesn't taste good, but shows you images of people having sex?
Anyway, it's all still out there! And to think of all the anti-social time I spent alone in a darkened room, hunched over a keyboard when I could have been out and part of the community, buying unspeakable smut from lovely, recent immigrants in brightly lit Times Square stores.
And the best part is, no matter how filthy your purchase, he'll still call you "sir."
So a couple of days into my journey, I realized I had no idea what was going on in the world. Was Obama the devil? Was Sarah Palin tellin' it like it is? Had Ron Paul smiled for a photo looking like he'd accidentally swallowed a small, but well-clawed animal that was slowly scratching back up his esophagus? Without CNN.com and Foxnews.com, I just had no idea.
But wouldn't you know it? It was my local newsstand that came to the rescue again. There are these things I'd remembered from my youth called newspapers. They have all sorts of information about foreign and domestic affairs and best of all, instead of being free, a well-respected one like the New York Times costs two bucks and leaves black crap all over your fingers! It's like getting all the knowledge of slightly less perfunctory reporting with the sexy sensation of working in a coal mine. Goodbye free easy online access, hello expensive cumbersome mess! That's what I say.
And that's not all. It has a crossword puzzle. Have you seen these things? They're amazing. And if you devote hours and hours of your life to them, you might be able to solve one harder than the novice ones they run on Monday. Check it out!
Now who's the dummy spending 14 dollars a week for dirty fingers? Not me. I knew 17 across, "Where sad trash collectors get together?" was "In the dumps." Yeah, Internet Shminternet. This rules.
Typically, I start the day checking my smart phone for the weather. Do I wear my sexy form-fitting turtleneck or is this a warmer day, more appropriate for my ab and ass showcasing mini-jean shorts? The Internet lets me know. And I'll admit, without it, I was pretty lost.
Boy was I embarrassed that day. I thought it was gonna be like 80 degrees!
I mean, I put my hand out the window and all that stuff, but how to know what the weather will be like later? That's when I remembered that that rectangular thing on my entertainment center did something besides make my computer monitor bigger and DVR things. It was a television! And T.V. had live morning shows hosted by bland middle-aged men and insanely happy middle-aged women who looked like they were probably 3rd runner up for Miss Oklahoma in the early '90s. But the thing is, these shows also had weathermen. It seemed like a great job. They stood in front of a green screen, pointed at a map and told you what to expect. Maybe I could be a weatherman?
But probably not.
In any event, not only did morning news shows help me dress appropriately for the day, I also learned important things like whether Nick Lache is ready for a comeback and how to burn tummy fat with easy-to-do-around-the-house exercises!