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There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. No matter how much you love and worship someone, sooner or later, you're going to anger them. But if you're the sort of person who could earn their favor in the first place, then you're also the sort of person who can win it back.

I recently upset someone dear to me. I won't bore you with the details, because all you need to know is that hope isn't lost. The Internet is full of guides on how to be the consummate charmer on even the slimmest budget, and I consulted them to win back my beloved with a night of passion. Let my experiences serve as a lesson, should you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

5
How To Make Homemade Candles

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Candles are essential for setting the mood. But a single modest, unscented candle can set you back eight bucks, and you're going to need a lot more than one. Depending on the size of your chamber, you'll be looking at seven, 13, or even 44 candles to establish the tone of the evening and ensure that everything is just as your beloved likes.

Luckily, making your own candles is simple for even the most handcrafting-handicapped person such as myself. You can get 10 pounds of wax for 19 dollars, and wicks and molds are modestly priced as well. Even if price isn't a concern, I would still argue that handmade is the way to go. What's going to impress your beloved more? The fact that you took a trip to Yankee Candle, or the fact that you poured your blood, sweat, and tears into a new skill just to make them happy?

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You can make your own incense too, if you really want to impress your beloved.

WikiHow's guide to making candles is one of many guides that are easy to follow. You probably already own all the requisite tools. From there, it's just a matter of shredding and melting the wax, pouring it into a mold, and waiting for it to cool. Paraffin wax, which is the most accessible for beginners, takes 24 hours to cool, so make sure you do this at least a day before the chosen night. It's good to allow for mistakes as well, as my first two attempts came out lumpy and misshapen. But I soon got the hang of it, and I assure you that candle-making is not difficult compared to whatever you did to earn your beloved's favor.

It's even easy to add color and scent. I'd suggest a red or black to accentuate the darkness of the night, and a nice wood scent to remind your beloved of the outdoors. Actually going deep into the woods at the witching hour tends to be discouraged by society and park wardens, but a subtle oak or pine scent will let your beloved know that you wish you could be outside beneath a fresh moon.

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It's okay, though. You'll be there again soon.

Finally, remember that how you arrange your candles is just as important as how you make them. If you scatter them around all willy-nilly, your beloved won't be impressed by your lackadaisical attitude toward you relationship. But if you take the time to arrange them in a simple yet elegant pattern, you'll give your chamber a power that it would otherwise lack. It's the little details that make the difference between an evening of disappointment and an evening of triumph.

4
How To Make A Perfect Mixtape

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What evening with your beloved would be complete without a soundtrack to play in the background as the deed is done? Sure, you could just pick an appropriate stream, but a carefully curated mixtape says so much about both you and who you're making it for.

Luckily, the Internet has no shortage of advice on how to make a memorable mix. First and foremost, you need to know your audience. I don't care how much you love jazz; you need to put aside your own tastes and focus on the tastes of your beloved. The recipient of my tape, for example, likes music that normally wouldn't be considered appropriate for a loving evening, but this is all about what they'll enjoy.

Equally important is theme. If you don't have one, then not only are you stuck trying to narrow thousands of songs down to a dozen, but it also won't be clear what message you're trying to send. "Here's a bunch of music I think you'd like" is fine, but "Here's a bunch of music that says something" is far better. In my case, I wanted to deliver a message of forgiveness and devotion. I'll walk you through a few of my tracks to give you a sense of how to get your message across through proper arrangement.

"Guilt Is My Boyfriend" really says it all with the title. I feel terrible about what I've done every single day, and I want to get that right out in the open.

With guilt established, "Yr Property" tells my beloved how I view our relationship. The lines "You're superior" and "You control me" make it clear just how much this relationship means to me. Continuing, "You're corrupt / you deform me / you own me / I worship your authority" perfectly sums us up the way a good mixtape track should.

Now that our past relationship has been explored, this song lays out my hopes for the future. "The bringer of everything is here to stay" says all I could possibly hope to about what I want the coming years to look like.

I included this track for two reasons. In terms of theme, it establishes how I'd feel if my apology was rejected: heartbroken, to say the least! Also, I think one of the biggest mixtape mistakes is neglecting instrumental tracks. While you shouldn't load the entire mix with them, sometimes the right instrumental can say more to your beloved than any lyric ever could.

In addition to each track flowing into the next thematically, they also flow musically. That's essential, and that's why so many guides recommend assembling more songs than you need. You'll have to make some tough choices while editing, but that will give you a much stronger tape that really gets your message of love and devotion across. If you want to go the extra mile, you can even give you mix a name and some cover art. I called mine Passion. Check it:

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3
How To Be Seductive

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The candles are burning, the music is playing, and the chamber is prepared. But it will all be for naught if no one enters. A simple phone call won't suffice. Whomever you're targeting, you need to make it clear that you've planned something very special for them.

WikiHow comes to the rescue again with "How to be Seductive." Even if you've already got game, it never hurts to brush up on the fundamentals. The simple act of eye contact is often underappreciated, but too often, we forget to send a message with a look that says "Tonight will have significance."

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Look into his eyes. See how they speak "Your life is short. Why not enjoy your time with me before it ends?"

A coy smile from across the room can also speak volumes. Whether it's in a coffee shop, a bar, or your own apartment, a smile can silently say so much about your intentions. Physical contact is potent as well. I don't mean that you should grab their arm and make a scene, but do something gentle. A stray hair brushed away from their face, a rustle of cloth across their mouth ... a light touch can cause someone to let their guard down and become open to all sorts of ideas.

But your most seductive weapon is your vocabulary. Start slow and subtle with a simple compliment like "That shirt really brings out your eyes" or "I sense that you have a strong and virile spirit." If they respond positively, get more flirtatious. Lean in close so they can feel your breath on their ear as you whisper "I'd love to continue this somewhere private" or "The potential of your body and mind intrigues me." If you're feeling saucy and the mood seems right, you can even explicitly reference the act you have in mind. Try "As great as you look in that outfit, I bet you'd look even better out of it" or "Would you like to show the cosmos the power of flesh?" Don't get mad at me if that backfires, though!

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A good, simple alternative is "I sense desire. Would you like to learn what I desire?"

WikiHow also suggests sensually feeding your partner. Whether you're offering them a strawberry, a chocolate, or a sip of wine, it will taste special because it's coming from you. Just one bite from your fingers, and they won't be able to resist you. And remember, a big part of seduction is confidence. Be passionate and self-assured, and your beloved will be more impressed with you than you ever dreamed of. And don't forget to have a little fun out there, too! Life's too short and scary to not enjoy yourself.

2
How To Make The Bond Of Flesh

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Taking your relationship back to the physical level is tough. No matter how many times you've done it, it can be nerve-wracking if it's been a while, or if your relationship has changed since the last time you made the flesh bond. You just have to try to relax, and remember that you're an adult who's done this successfully countless times.

If you're nervous, it's best to start with the basics. No matter how intimate you are, protection is crucial. The ropes must be drawn tight for your beloved, lest the flesh escape. The sheets must be wrapped tight, lest the fluid escape. The chamber must be sealed tight, lest the children hunger. This is not their night. This is yours.

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They'll have theirs soon enough.

Start slow. Savor the moment. You want your beloved to come after you've worshiped them, not after you've merely gone through the motions. It will be more satisfying for you both if you don't rush to the conclusion. Take pleasure in the little things -- the first touch of skin, the first item of clothing removed, the first drop spilled. The little things are what make life.

Remember to use your voice. Again, it's the most underrated power you possess. Your everyday speech can become incredibly alluring with just a little added huskiness or ecstasy. A line as simple as "Soon you'll come for me, my beloved," "The universe itself will shudder at the memory of what we do here tonight," or "Ia-ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Thousand Young call for your return!" can hold incredible power if you speak it in the right tongue.

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Don't be shy about introducing toys, either.

Equally important to the act itself is the aftermath. It's easy to fall asleep after the ecstatic climax of your exhausting efforts, but simply remaining and basking in your success with your beloved is a way to show her that you care about the quieter moments. Just rest and watch your beloved's mouths pant and drip slime as she recovers from her orgasmic return to your heart and plane. Watch her countless goat legs writhe in pleasure and anticipation of your future acts. Witness her dark young spill out of her endless orifices to devour the remaining flesh. Listen as she speaks in a blasphemous, impossible speech of her promise to reward your love by eating you alive and vomiting you back out into an immortal form that can serve your beloved for all known and unknown time. It's the simple things that truly strengthen a relationship and prepare it for the eons that you'll spend together.

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1
How To Tell The World That You're Together Again

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After reuniting with a loved one you betrayed, you'll face a lot of questions from friends, family, and law enforcement. Some, like "Why do you look so much happier these days?" will be a joy to answer. Others, like "Are you sure you shouldn't just move on?" and "You know no one's seen the mailman since you ran into him at the bar and invited him back to your place for a drink, right?" will be more difficult to address. And I'm afraid there is no guide for this last step. We will write this guide ourselves upon the soil with the Earth's own blood.

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It will be widely read, but never spoken of. Always followed, but never understood.

Some parts will be easier than others. The mailman's meager possessions can be burned, and the ashes scattered to the portentous wind. Friends can be convinced that you're happier now than ever before. Alibis can throw off the police until they're too busy being baffled by the headless corpses oozing black tar to worry about the fate of one civil servant. Concerned family can be shunned and forgotten, because the Black Goat and its Thousand Young are the only true family. Brunch will be more enjoyable now that you have a partner.

At the same time, there will be challenges. You'll be so busy preparing mankind for the coming of the All-Mother that you'll be lucky if you have the time and energy to make the flesh bond once a week. You'll start to be tempted by the perks of being unattached that caused you to betray your beloved in the first place -- less viscera to clean up around your place, free time to hit the bar with your buddies and catch the game, and the fact that you weren't sung to sleep every night by a thousand gaping maws that screamed liked children despite their unfathomable age.

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Night will lose its meaning as all becomes dark, and you'll miss watching
the sunrise and having a cup of coffee while you check your email.

But no one ever said relationships were easy, and just because you've won your beloved back it doesn't mean you can't lose them again. Maybe you disappoint her or one of her countless Dark Young. Maybe you fall in the coming war with Ghatanothoa as the Earth itself is ground to dust. Or maybe the passion simply fades with time. These are the risks we take when we open our hearts and allow them be consumed by another. But what you've learned here today isn't just about rekindling a relationship; it's also about the far more difficult act of maintaining one. If you remember the joy of the special night you shared together, you'll always be on the lookout for ways to keep things fresh. And in the end, that level of devotion is all you need to keep your beloved close to your heart and the black tides of infinity from erasing everything you've ever known from the very concept of existence. It never hurts to surprise her with fresh flowers, either!

You can read more from Mark at his website.

For advice from people who have the romantic instincts of a date-raping praying mantis, check out The 50 Creepiest Pieces Of Romance Advice Ever Published, and then for romantic advice from actual date-raping praying mantises, read 10 Baffling Romance Tips From The Sociopaths At Fox News.

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