5 Revenge Products: A Buyer's Guide for Psychopaths

Are you sick of product reviews that don't cover the issues that matter to you? Most product review sites are all "reliability this" and "functionality that," when all you really want to know is "Will this product assist me in fulfilling an elaborate and lifelong revenge mission?" Well, finally, I'm here to supply you with the answers you need. Today, we're going to profile five products for the discerning modern psychopath. Our review will take place in two parts: First, an introduction and quick rundown of each product, then a practical real-life field test where I will attempt to use each one to help unleash my cunning vengeance on an unsuspecting world. First up, product breakdowns!

#5. Singing-Bird Pistols


Revenge, especially of the "burning" and "eternal" variety, is not a cheap venture. There's no such thing as vengeance on a budget. Justice deserves the best, and that's what you'll get here: These Singing-Bird Pistols are a one-of-a-kind item, manufactured by master craftsmen at the esteemed Freres Rochat workshop. They're constructed of solid gold, inlaid with pearls and diamonds, and they come complete with a set of singing-bird automatons that kick into motion with every pull of the trigger. This is the only known matching set in existence, and as such, you can expect to pay about $5 million for the classiest murder weapons in history. It ain't cheap, but a long-anticipated gentleman's duel with Gary Woobarth, the bastard who told your teacher that you were trying to break into the monkey enclosure on your fifth grade field trip, is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.


#4. Caffeinated Beef Jerky

Perky Jerky

Vengeance is exhausting: all the plotting and manipulating, the setting of cogs in motion and disposal of witnesses -- did you know that pure, unbridled hatred burns more calories per hour than a light run? Even when you're just sitting there, doing nothing but fuming over past injustices, that's the caloric equivalent of jogging. All the time. You need energy, but drugs cloud the mind, and caffeine is lacking in that visceral appeal, somehow. You never see Dr. Doom downing a Red Bull to get the pep he needs to hurl Reed Richards into a pit of robotic Doom-spiders. But I think I have the answer for your furious energy needs: Perky Jerky!

Don't let the name throw you. There's nothing "perky" about this product. This is dried, withered meat -- much like your angry, dead heart -- infused with chemicals that give you unnatural energy -- much like the fury that drives your every waking moment. Feeling sleepy? Don't brew a cup of coffee, like a chump: Tear into the flesh of another living thing and start your villainous morning right. Since Perky Jerky, like revenge, is best bought in bulk, you probably want to skip the bags and go right for the Jerkman Suit.

Perky Jerky

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of those who've wronged you like draping yourself in armor forged from desecrated animal corpses, and unlike the Singing-Bird Pistols, the Jerkman Suit will only run you $350. Practical, budget-friendly, and blasphemous: It's a great investment for the first-time justice seeker and the seasoned spirit of vengeance alike.

#3. The Octopus Throne

Maximo Riera

Image is incredibly important in the field of long-term revenge missions. You don't want to spend decades enacting a flawless plan of clockwork intrigue only to finally confront your betrayer from some cheap plastic IKEA chair. The Fludocken, while ergonomical and budget-friendly, does not exactly scream "You have come to me to meet your much-deserved end." To rule a kingdom of woe, you need an appropriate throne. Enter, the Octopus Chair:

Maximo Riera

Designed by Maximo Riera, who simply must understand vengeance with a name as flamboyant as that, the Octopus Chair is the first piece in a whole line of evil animal-themed furniture. And what better way to visually illustrate that Gary Woobarth will never escape the long-reaching tendrils of your wrath than the grasping onyx tentacles of the giant black octopus? Pair it with a lovely Blood Rhino Armoire and a couple of tastefully understated Ash Spider End Tables to complete the look!

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Robert Brockway

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