The Internet is full of product reviews, but if you're anything like me, you've found them lacking something: rampant, selfish idiocy. I propose to fix that by telling you not only about all of these exciting new products, but also how to recklessly abuse them in order to best augment your terrible, immoral lifestyle. For example: You need love, but the outside world is where they make you wear pants, and you can't spit on the floor if people are watching. So what are you -- the agoraphobic pathologically lying asshole -- to do? Well, here are five cutting-edge new products that might help you finally seal the deal on that shady online relationship!
*This guide is structured in two parts: First, the basic product review and introduction. Then, the field test, where I use each of said products toward a clearly nefarious end and hopefully never suffer the much-deserved repercussions.
#5. Brainput Multitasking Assistant
Solovey, et al via Popular Science
It's clear to me that I can't handle the day-to-day of maintaining a relationship. My long list of ex-girlfriends with broken hearts and broken front doors can attest to that. But finally, I think I've isolated the problem: I'm just too devoted to my work. Much like how Einstein was purported to frequently leave the house with his dick hanging out of his pantaloons (his head too lost in higher mathematics to be bogged down with something as pedestrian as wang wranglin'), I, too, am simply so immersed in my chosen profession of whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing for a living that I cannot manage a normal relationship. (I think I might be some sort of snake handler. I don't know. I keep waking up full of venom and with a bunch of snake skins all around me -- snake handler is the least disturbing explanation I can come up with.)
So enters the Brainput Multitasking Assistant: It's still in prototype stages right now, but when finished, this computer program will monitor your vital signs and stress levels, then automatically take some of your more mundane tasks off of you to lighten your mental load.
Doud et al, 2011 via University of Minnesota
Ostensibly, it's meant to take over basic stuff like email replies and schedule updating, leaving you to focus on the more creative thinking. But I've found that, with some simple hacking, it can be reprioritized to pretend to listen to loved ones while you get drunk to old Knight Rider reruns. But be warned: It doesn't really factor in your personality very well. Twice now it's agreed to go on "long walks" with potential mates, no matter how emphatically I hammer-type my anti-effort manifesto into its response field.
#4. Anigao Girls
It's the single most common complaint regarding online dating from narcissistic sociopaths: Everybody's ugly except for me! It's nearly impossible to find somebody as pretty as you are on today's Internet -- much less one who's willing to put on all your clothes and hold a tape recorder playing your voice while you make love to yourself. For thousands of years, the issue of physical attraction has put the kibosh on perfectly good relationships, but finally, somebody has the answer! And that answer is as laughably simple as it is almost certainly some sort of sex crime: Just put a custom-built rubber mask over their heads!
The uh ... the country with the answer was Japan, incidentally.
They're called Anigao Girls: high-rent escorts that cater to jaded otaku who can no longer get it up for a human face, but have found dry-humping their computer monitor while anime is playing to be ultimately somewhat flat and slippery. Those dead, lifeless schoolgirl eyes are great for Japanese nerds and all, but me personally? I've never gotten over my first and only true love: Blanche from The Golden Girls.
My wilted flower! O, my leathery love! To be the rice in your pudding ...
But now, thanks to the wonders of 3-D printing and some fascinatingly shameless Japanese escorts, even my needs can finally be satisfied! My horrible, blasphemous needs.
#3. Hiro III Haptic Interface
This is the HIRO III, a haptic interface peripheral designed by a Japanese robotics firm. It boasts 15 independent motors that provide real-time force feedback to the user's hand, allowing exact simulation of the heft and shape of virtual 3-D objects.
We are clearly going to be using this stunning advance in robotics to cybernetically grope some reluctant boobies across a span of continents. Did I even have to type that? Some truths are held to be self-evident.