#5. ManimalThe lack of barrier between us and space has created what I and probably future scientists call the "Manimal Sphere." This is the expanding area of the universe that Earth is filling with Manimal broadcasts. Manimal is a show about a man who can turn into animals that first aired in 1983, which means that right now there is a wall of half-man/half-animal 153,000,000,000,000 miles away from us in every direction, and it's traveling at the speed of light. If that didn't just explode your brain, tell your brain to quit being a fucking idiot and explode.
In the grand scheme of things, the "Manimal Sphere" isn't very big. In fact, using Christian math, that's more like 28-- barely the distance to Iowa. The point is, we'll be long dead before that hits any star systems with cable. But if you're a couple of outer space cow rapists and you fly through a Manimal brodcast wave, it's probably going to get you thinking.
#4. Independence DayIgnore how the Fresh Prince of Bel Air can beat your deadliest star pilots in combat, or how Judd Hirsch can outwit your mothership's software network. When you aliens are watching Independence Day, I hope what you really take away from it is this: Randy Quaid can kill you. That's not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn't our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think. Of Mice and Men was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can't get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993. The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository. I realize a lot of my intergalactic communication theories revolve around the idea that all aliens are like the ones in Galaxy Quest that can't tell the difference between fantasy and documentary. But let's not be stupid-- aliens have no idea what's going on. They come to a planet with Google, and their idea of research is jamming tubes up a hillbilly. They're either morons or completely made up. But like I said before, let's not be stupid.
#3. E.T. The ExtraterrestrialWhen E.T. came here, all he wanted to do is eat candy and cure the sick. And we said good luck with that when you're dead, you filthy alien. Here on Earth, we don't care if you're adorable or benevolent. If you create a magical friendship bond with a young boy, we'll put you in separate rooms and kill Santa in front of him just to see if his sadness can pass through walls. We will cut you open because learning how your stupid space liver processes Reese's Pieces is more important to us than your gurgling talking noises or the suburban family that fell in love with you. Our worst doctors will mutilate your body, cover it up and release chunks of you into the retail market as Velcro. We've done it before. If you truly wanted to be a friend to the Earthlings, you should have thought about that before you were born in filthy outer space.
#2. Battlefield EarthThis movie is way too bad to be an accident. It was created to send a clear message to outer space: You suck. Say what you want about Scientologists, but they are better than anyone at making aliens look like assholes. Let's look at the facts. In this movie, aliens came here with their technologically advanced warships and wiped out our planet's jet fighters in nine minutes. Pretty logical so far, right aliens? But as Battlefield Earth explains, 1000 years later, a few cavemen dust off those ancient jet fighters and kill your John Travolta and his entire family. Humans don't give a fuck about your alien space logic. We're so goddamn stupid that we don't even know what can't be done. Do you know what happens when you let jet fuel sit stagnant for 1000 years, alien? We don't. In fact, we think we're fags for even asking something so sciencey, but look at who's dead. You.
#1. War of the WorldsIn War of the Worlds, we lose for 89 minutes and then all the aliens die because of Earth germs. Aliens are dumbasses. Even after we saw E.T. heal us, we knew to put on biohazard suits before we tried to kill him. And these War of the Worlds aliens fly down here in their giant tripods and vaporize entire urban centers with their windows down. Hey, squid people of Mars or wherever, what did you think would happen when you inhaled the dust of 2,000,000 corpses and 60,000 dumpsters? That's on you. It's not like we were throwing smallpox Snuggies into your teepees. Humans are disgusting. We'll have sex with anything. Every day, an Earth doctor pulls an octopus or a light bulb out of someone that was put it there on purpose. Captain Kirk boned things that didn't even have holes until he met them. And this article itself is probably next to an ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck. Seriously, come visit, aliens. See what happens.