This might come as a shock to you, but people really like sex. You basically can't get away from it; it's in ads, movies, music, and sometimes people in real life will even allow you to have it with them. And this isn't just a recent phenomenon. People in the past were obsessed with sex, too, to the point that sometimes they made decisions with really serious consequences just to get their groove on.
5The Entente Cordiale
In 1901, Queen Victoria finally died, and her her son, Bertie, who became Edward VII, had been waiting 59 years to get his hands on the throne. His first decree was to get his D wet.
These days we might call him a sex addict, but back then they called him "Edward the Caresser."
Not to be confused with Edward the Confessor, a king so nice he was canonized for it.
Bertie liked the ladies. All of them. Since his mother thought he was stupid and useless and refused to give him anything to do while she was alive, the then prince of Wales spent all his time eating, shooting, and getting his bone on. He had sex with actresses, prostitutes, and the wives of pretty much every rich guy in the kingdom, including Winston Churchill's mom. Since he had a perfectly lovely wife of his own at home who was approximately 1,000 times hotter than him, he was definitely suffering from Tiger Woods Syndrome.
But one country of women was not enough to contain the libido of this fat prince. Bertie particularly liked the brothels of France. This might have been because one in Paris built a special chair for him that not only supported his large frame but allowed him to have sex with several women at the same time.
You figure out how, because no one else has.
This was all fine and good while he was just a prince, but once he was king it would look a bit weird if he popped over to France all the time. Bertie needed a good reason to be there, and he picked the most difficult solution possible: make the two countries BFFs.
The British and the French really didn't like each other. Or, more specifically, the English and the French. You have to remember, this is before they fought on the same side in two World Wars, when the only history they had was 1,000 years of trying to kick each other in the dick. They had almost gone to war as recently as 1898. But by 1903, Bertie had managed to get both governments to sign a friendship pact, called the Entente Cordiale.
This document is still in effect today and has been unbelievably important. For one thing, the two countries stopped trying to kill each other and agreed to start killing other countries, like whenever Spike would team up with Buffy. Trade issues became much simpler to resolve. And, as a direct result, my British husband even roots for France in the World Cup after England is inevitably eliminated. All because one king couldn't keep it in his pants.
When Martin Luther inadvertently invented Protestantism, one of the issues that came up was whether the clergy of this new religion could get married. Luther knew that Catholic priests were getting laid all the time, even though their vows prohibited it, and marriage would be the logical way to have sex without sinning. Basically, Martin Luther hacked and modded Christianity.
This is where you think I am going to say that Luther wanted clergy to get married because he was desperate to get some himself. That is not what happened. Enter Katharina von Bora.
Katharina had been sent to a nunnery at age 5 by her rich family, so she really didn't have a say in the whole abstinence-for-life discussion, and after hearing of the teachings of Martin Luther in her early 20s, decided that Catholicism sucked. So she and 11 other nuns decided to run away and find this intellectual hottie.
With his intellectual mop hair and intellectual triple chin.
The arrival of 12 escaped nuns caused quite a stir in Wittenberg, the town Martin Luther was living in. And soon everyone knew what they were there for, with one local student recording, "A wagon load of vestal virgins has just come to town, all more eager for marriage than for life. God grant them husbands lest worse befall." In other words, after spending their whole lives in a nunnery, those girls wanted to have some dicks tossed in them. Luther quickly started marrying them off to eligible men.
Even though he was OK with marriage in theory, when the ex-monks around him started getting hitched he supposedly cried, "Good heavens! They won't give me a wife." Even when people kept bugging him about it, for years he said it was never going to happen. But Katharina knew what she wanted: that pudgy, religious, radical sex beast, Martin Luther. She rejected at least two of the husbands he proposed for her, and in the end told him she was going to marry him or nobody. (OK, she also said she might marry one of his important friends, but she was really angling for the head honcho.)
That is the face of a woman who gets what she wants.
Finally, Luther realized that if he wanted people to take clerical marriage seriously, he was going to have to bite the bullet himself. So Katharina got what she wanted, and Martin Luther must have enjoyed it at least a little bit because they had six children. And in the end the world got forms of Christianity where spiritual leaders were able to have sex without making God cry.