We all know the deal with Christmas: Our days are supposed to be merry and bright. Santa is spying on us like some kind of hirsute pervert, making sure we're all being nice. Unfortunately, this time of year is also dangerous, stressful, and even your best intentions can go tits up. It can get to the point where you just need to have a serious bitch-fest about the whole damn thing. So if your family is looking for something to yell about over Christmas dinner this holiday season, and you have already exhausted the subject of red Starbucks cups, here are five more things you can use to fuel your holiday rage.
#5. Weird Futuristic Mall Santa Displays
No matter how much photographic proof you provide parents over many decades, they still insist on exposing their traumatized children to mall Santas.
This should be illegal under the Geneva Conventions.
So, every year you see the traditional setup in the middle of your local mall: Santa, a Christmas tree, and a long line of parents about to spend an ungodly amount of money to sit their kid on a strange man's lap.
This year, one company decided to mix it up a little. Simon Malls owns hundreds of locations around the country, and in six of them they put this:
Looks like someone upgraded from reindeer to the USS Santaprise.
That is supposed to represent St. Nick under a glacier. While it looks ridiculously cheap, it was far from it; each one cost over $10,000 to make. Their selling point was that they're interactive with sound and light shows. Still, parents hated them. Within a day of one going up in the SouthPark Mall a Change.org petition demanding its removal had 24,000 signatures. Other people declared it another example of the War on Christmas, because if anything says "secular society" it is getting your picture taken with a symbol of a Christian holiday.
The backlash was so bad that the glaciers were immediately taken down, even though in at least one location there was a second Santa who had a more "traditional" setting. Parents were literally too busy complaining to notice they just had to walk a hundred yards to get what they wanted.
#4. Reese's Christmas Tree Candy Fail
You would think there can't possibly be a way to screw up Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. It's chocolate and peanut butter, scientifically proven by my mouth to be the most perfect combination of flavors ever. But this year they got into trouble for one aspect of their holiday offerings. The egg-shaped candy for Easter and the pumpkins for Halloween make sense -- you will notice that both of those shapes are just slight variations on circles, which Reese's has perfected in their normal cup shape. So you would think for Christmas they would go with something equally round, like an ornament. Instead they promised us a tree, with pointed branches and everything.
What they delivered was this:
Try not to chew your screen.
There is no way around it. At best, that looks like a brown butt plug, at worst, a turd. What it does not look like, as thousands of people took to social media to point out, is a tree. Some poor intern over at Hershey's, who probably took the job only for the free candy, was tasked with responding to each complaint with a form-letter-type response. But then they decided to up their game and, in a series of tweets, called all the haters out on their ridiculous beauty standards.
Hopefully it doesn't taste like the amorphous turd it looks like.
Fortunately, if you are still not convinced, this problem has a very simple solution. Send your defective poo-candy to me, and I promise I will dispose of it humanely.
#3. Stores Are Selling Offensive Holiday Clothes
Clothing companies have totally bought into the ironic "ugly sweater" holiday trend. But what about when those sweaters go from visually ugly to morally repugnant?
Shoppers who were willing to overlook Target's use of sweatshop workers were nonetheless appalled to find that the company was stocking a holiday jumper with a questionable slogan.
ADHD: Apparel Done Hella Dumb
Actual sufferers of OCD were quick to point out on Twitter that making light of a mental illness 2.2 million Americans live with is kind of a dick move. Target felt so bad that they removed the sweaters from their stores ... but left them for sale online. It's a good thing no one has figured out how to purchase things over the Internet.
For classier bigotry, head over to Nordstrom. They proved that holiday fuck-ups have no religious barriers with their Hanukkah "Chai Maintenance" sweater. In Hebrew, "chai" sounds kinda like "high." HA HA, GET IT, because Jewish women are totally high maintenance? Aren't cultural stereotypes hilarious!
I know what you're thinking: Are we maybe reading too much into this? It's just a play on words; it's not like the sweater says Jewish-American Princess or something.
Except it totally does.
We should give them the benefit of the doubt; maybe they were trying to offend Japanese people.
So, yeah, racist.
But even if you would proudly wear both those shirts to your company's holiday party, you have to agree this next one doesn't just cross the line; it doused the line in brandy like a Christmas pudding and lit that bitch on fire. While Bloomingdale's was selling perfectly acceptable clothes in their holiday catalog, they didn't seem to have faith you would look good enough in them to get laid. That's why they gave men the brilliant idea to resort to date rape.
At least they didn't cast a totally creepy-looking model to go with it.
After a huge social media backlash, which pointed out that slipping something in someone's drink is both illegal and immoral, Bloomingdale's tweeted that the ad was "in poor taste." Unlike other ways to encourage date rape, which I guess can be tasteful?