Today's audiences want movies that show us the grim reality of modern life. Hollywood has moved away from yesterday's naive, unrealistic feel-good crap and toward movies that more accurately reflect our bleak, post-9/11 world. A quick review of these accurate reflections indicates that most of our families are constantly being murdered, our past is full of unspeakable sins we constantly brood over, and we sell our bodies on the street at the drop of a hat. Clearly, according to gritty movies, these are the everyday realities of the average American. After all, who among us hasn't been murdered? Who hasn't had our families killed in front of our eyes at least once? How many of you can honestly say you haven't dabbled in drug-addicted prostitution?
We're talking to you, Chad.
But despite the obvious superiority of gritty reboots, many old shows and movies are still lying around uselessly in stupid non-darkness, waiting for Hollywood to sprinkle them with some harsh, family-killing reality. So we've created some guidelines for any Hollywood producers reading Cracked about how to reboot these classics at their most grittiest.
5Make Sure You Use A Washed-Out Palette
Not only the plot, but also the visuals need to get the point across that this is a bleak, joyless world with no easy answers and no happy endings, which is equivalent to no distinguishable colors. In a world where you can't tell an enemy from a friend, it just seems logical you wouldn't be able to tell green from red.
For example, Man of Steel showcased a Superman so conflicted he couldn't even remember what colors Superman wears.
Reboot Suggestion: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
"I know one of them is red. The other one is ... grey?"
We're assuming the upcoming Power Rangers reboot has a new, gritty plot well in hand, and so all we're going to suggest is that they make the palette as bleak and hopeless as the new world the Rangers will face. If you're unfamiliar with the Power Rangers story, it involves 6 high-school-age teenagers who are called upon to fight evil as the Red, Blue, Pink, Yellow, Green, and Black Rangers (shown in order below):
The Black Ranger is black and the Yellow Ranger is Asian. I'm not making this part up.
Now that I'm looking at it, I can see how this might present a problem for keeping track of dialogue, but that just plays into the realism of the confused and conflicted world we live in. Who is wrong? Who is right? Which Ranger is talking right now? Didn't that guy get captured earlier? It's full of questions we can't answer, just like your NSAs and your Fergusons.
Other than the palette, the only other change to the story we would suggest is that they are now the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers, because these high school students now all have crippling opiate addictions. Also, the Pink Ranger is a sexy, empowered stripper (it is a very open high school).
4Add Gratuitous Moral Ambiguity and Inexplicable Angst
Yesterday's heroes and protagonists were morally upright. Even if they started out with some problems or weaknesses (Han Solo was a charming but irresponsible rogue), by the end of the movie they'd learned to be a better, braver person (Han Solo chooses the path of selflessness when he returns to save Luke). This inspired viewers to think that if we ever faced similar adversity, we'd always try our best to do the noble thing as well.
But who wants to watch that crap? Today's audiences are tired of the upright heroes of the past. Instead, we want our protagonists to have moral ambiguity, again and again and again, in exactly the same way.Reboot Suggestion: Captain Planet
If you grew up in or around the '90s, you'll remember that Captain Planet was a superhero who fought pollution with the help of a gang of perky, multiracial Planeteers.
I don't remember that much about the show, but I guess there was an episode where the Planeteers used the Earth as a treadmill.
Guys, come on, that is hella boring. The reboot should make the female Russian Planeteer a stripper who murders oil barons who come to her strip clubs. The African Planeteer should now use his power of Earth to bury people alive when they're unethically mining coltan or conflict diamonds. That kind of thing.
And our green-mulleted leader? Make Captain Planet into an internally-tortured badass who lost the love of his life, Gaia, in a deforestation accident. Once the Planeteers summon him, he is so internally tortured that he contemplates destroying all human life on the planet. It's up to the emotionally tortured Planeteers to restrain the force they created.