When my friends and I hit peak boredom on stormy summer days in our youth, we would head to the kitchen and pour random items into a bowl. Pickle juice, milk, cumin, hot sauce, apple juice, tomato sauce, black pepper -- it all went in. We would take turns taking sips of it, fully knowing it was going to be a liquid nightmare.
The point of it wasn't to make something disgusting. It was to stumble upon something delicious. That never panned out. The idea of piling a ton of foods on top of each other and hoping for the best stuck with me. I continued to dream of big, stupid, and, no doubt, horrifying food monsters that -- fingers crossed -- might be incredible in spite of their grotesqueness. But, for whatever reason (probably sanity), I never made them.
Let's make Little Kid Luis the happiest boy in the world by bringing some of his horrible food freaks to life ...
#4. Fruit-Chew Burrito, Aka "Syrup Tube"
The idea of the Fruit-Chew Burrito popped into people's heads all around the world at about the same time. No one can take credit for coming up with the idea of wrapping Fruit Gushers in a sugary tortilla of Fruit Roll-Ups and Fruit By The Foot, just as no one person can take credit for dipping Wendy's french fries into a Frosty, even though I'm pretty sure I invented it in August of 2002. When one person thinks of it, the idea automatically unlocks in every other human's brain. Now, it's just a matter of making it real.Assembly
General Mills sells a variety pack of Gushers, Fruit By The Foot, and Fruit Roll-Ups because they've long known of my mission and have been preparing for this moment for decades. It was foretold.
To begin, I slightly overlapped two Fruit Roll-Up sheets to allow room for two packs of Gushers. I found that only one Gushers pack created a thin, more taquito-like roll, and I wanted something thick that I could sink my teeth into. I wanted to feel like I was gnawing on a semi-melted candle. So, two sheets it was.
After that, the Gushers. Gushers are great. They're the candy for people who always wondered what bath beads tasted like. After a quick roll, I had ...
A psychedelic dog turd. Don't worry. Fruit By The Foot to save the day:
Now, it's a Crayola turd wrapped in human muscle tissue.The Taste
I imagine that if you were to perform an autopsy on the caterpillar from Alice In Wonderland, his insides would look a lot like the inside of a Fruit-Chew Burrito.
Trippy nuggets and technicolor goop bursting out of a thin wisp of trippy, mangled flesh. That's what it tasted like, too: bright and neon -- like a black-light poster shoved its hand in my mouth.
Every bite pops with the flavor of its corresponding color. But, all of that fades away by the second bite. What normally happens with fruity, chewy snacks is, as they mingle with saliva, they turn into syrup in your mouth. Now, stack a bunch of those things on top of each other and then add in the Gusher juice. If there were any old-timey, bacteria-sized oil prospectors living in my mouth, they danced a jig because they struck it rich.
#3. Double Stuf Oreo Stack, Aka "The Oreo Tower Of Babel"
In 1974, Oreo introduced the Double Stuf. With twice the normal allotment of cream between the cookies, Nabisco had created a new standard for insanity. Years later, I would remove the creams from a few Double Stufs and combine them into one large Oreo. But, I always dreamed big. I wanted to create a Tower Of Babel -- an Oreo structure so magnificent gods would punish all of humanity for my arrogance.
So, I built it. Sorry, humanity.Assembly
To begin, I became enraged at the modern packaging of Oreos. The plastic tear-away strip works well for exposing the center row of cookies for easy access, but it makes grabbing the cookies on the side rows a futile clawing that inevitably shatters the cookie.
Luckily, I only needed two cookies left intact for my Oreo Tower Of Babel. I didn't throw away the rest once I got them. You'll see them again later.
Next was the boring process of gingerly separating the Oreo cream from its cookie so that the cream remained solid. I piled them and piled them. This is the beast I had cursed with the breath of life:
I ate two cookies during the process because I'm not trying to achieve scientific accuracy as much as I am just trying to do stupid things, so what you're seeing there is 28 creams instead of 30. Each is a Double Stuf, which technically makes this a 56-Stuf Oreo.
It's around here that I realized I had no idea how to eat this thing. Do I smash it together and eat an angry wad of mush? Do I take a bite from the center and let the ends dangle and collapse like Powder's flaccid penis? I wasn't sure, so I did this...
Deep-throating was the only way to go. I employed the "cup the balls" hand grip to keep it all structurally sound and then I rammed this thing into my head.The Taste
If you're looking for a description of the flavor profiles, the mouth feel, and the flavor notes for the Oreo Tower Of Babel please refer to the following series of sequential pictures taken as I chewed the Oreo Tower Of Babel: