I am a gamer and have always been ever so slightly suspicious of vaginas. Why so cavernous, vaginas? What are you hiding in there? Spare keys to a boat? A rubber bouncy ball? Illuminati secrets? All this and more, I hasten to believe. Because of this and my gaming penchant, I felt the need to jump feet first into Gamergate the only way I know how: By giving gamers exactly what they crave so as to finish this silly back-and-forth once and for all by putting me, my fellow man, and our ethics back squarely in the driver's seat. Or the gamer's seat. Did you know you can buy special gamer seats? I bet they all smell so fucking bad.
#4. Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare
This game is a next-gen iteration of the classic ideal of Plants vs. Zombies. In the original version of this game, a Caucasian, cisgendered rube fellow named Dave tasks you with managing a plant garden of sentient vegetation to fend off swarms of undead males of indeterminate race and sexuality. In Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare, you are able to play as either side in this dreadful conflict, and the racial diversity is very expansive and well-represented. It seems like Sunflowers may be female due to their high-pitched vocalizations. However, as a Caucasian, heterosexual, cisgendered male, I may be projecting my own prejudices onto this plant. It may be a male with lower-than-average testosterone, as I am not even aware of testosterone levels in plants at all. Full disclosure: I do not have a degree in botany.
The game is a multiplayer experience, meaning you can play online and face up to 23 other opponents in an arena, many of whom could be homosexual or "female" or transgendered or Canadian. They are all equally good players. All that is required is an Internet connection and a subscription to XBox Live, as far as I am aware as a Caucasian, cisgendered, heterosexual male under 40 but over 20.
You or someone playing on your behalf, because either is a valid life choice, will be able to choose from four kinds of plants or zombies. No kind is greater or worse than another. All have a place in the rich tapestry of the game and offer a variety of useful skills and abilities that should be celebrated and enjoyed.
Accuracy Check: This segment of the column was checked for accuracy by a Chinese-American with a peg leg named Louise who is also a lesbian and a Republican. Louise comments that much of the previous review seems accurate, however no paperwork was submitted to support Felix Clay's assertions of being a cisgendered, heterosexual male.
Transparency: Felix Clay wishes it to be known that he purchased the game Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare a week before writing this article completely unaware that it required an Xbox Live Gold membership and there was no local multiplayer functionality. Upon learning these two facts, he was heard to remark "Fuck you, Microsoft." It is unknown at this time if Felix Clay has, in fact, fucked or been fucked by Microsoft since that utterance.
Fairness and Accountability Overview: If it becomes evident at any point in time that Felix Clay has, in fact, been fucking Microsoft, a plant, or a zombie, we will remove this review in full from Cracked.com, its affiliates, and your heart.
#3. Clash of Clans
A popular app for both Android and iPhone, Clash of Clans is a combat strategy game designed to waste your money because it's almost literally impossible to advance by playing for free. I know this because I've been trying to play for about five months now without spending any money, and you basically just end up stagnating for a month at a time, then advancing very slightly, then repeating the process.
If you have seen the delightful animated commercials, you know nothing about the game. Mostly you just spend lots of resources, which you do not have a lot of, unless you pay real money for them to build and upgrade things. You do this over and over for months, and each upgrade takes longer than the last unless you pay to make it happen faster.
This game is easy to enjoy for anyone with thumbs and a penchant for monotony or money-wasting, whether he be an adult male of Western European ancestry or a noble Native American member of the Navajo tribe. Choose your defenses, build your army of archers, giants, warriors, and wizards, and see how well you fare laying siege to other users who, if they paid any money at all, will be better than you.
Accuracy Check: This segment of the column was checked for accuracy by author and samaritan Gladstone. Gladstone does not own a smartphone but does have a rotary phone. He felt the clan clashing in the game was probably too much like racial violence and refused to participate further. As such, this review has gone unverified by a third-party official and may contain falsehoods spun from the author's own deranged mind, such as this claim about wizards in the game. I mean, wizards? That sounds patently false.
Transparency: Felix Clay wishes it to be known he plays this game exclusively on the toilet. If you feel objectified or oppressed by knowing Felix plays games on the toilet, write your congressperson.
Fairness and Accountability Overview: Felix Clay has no money and is therefore unable to fully enjoy this game and its in-game, purchase-based game play. His abject poverty is not to be construed as an endorsement of playing this game without the use of microtransactions and should not be considered a reflection of the fun and game play experience you, as a gamer who is either a Caucasian, cisgendered, heterosexual male or whatever other races and sexual identities are permitted to play games these days, will have playing this game.