4 Easy Steps to Becoming a Horror Movie Slasher

Ever wanted to elaborately or methodically or gleefully, gorily, insanely murder all kinds of people for some contrived reason or other with little to no fear of real world repercussions? Sure you have, it's the way of the world. But who among us knows how to pull off such a thing? Movie slashers, that's who. If I was going to run amok in a bloodbath of depravity, I'd probably end up hunting mailmen in distant towns and offing them with random tools or heavy stones so as to ensure there was no real link or identifiable pattern to the crimes at all so no one would ever know it was me unless I got caught on camera somehow which I'd surely never do since I've been plotting this for ages. You know, if that's something I've been doing. But it's not.

The point is, movie killers sure know how to kill all slapdash and holus bolus, except for that last person who survives to the sequel. And if you want to be a killer on par with a movie villain, you'll have to brush up on these movie slasher skills. And hey, feel free to leave a comment about why you're so obsessed with murder. It's a little abnormal, you know.

#4. Get Motivated

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In an ironic twist, the only movie slasher who has no real motive for killing is infamous for his motive being a lack of motive. That's Michael Myers, who kills people because dressing as a clown in the '70s brings out your inner darkness (not to be confused with Mike Myers, who beats jokes to death). Every other slasher has a clearly defined and terrible reason to murder. Jason, for instance, is upset that horny teens let him drown when he was but a young turd with nary a gleam of murder in his eye. Since then, he somehow grew older and became evil and repetitive. So evil and so repetitive. Freddy Krueger just wanted to be a pedophilic murderer but had his hopes and dreams cut short by the parents of his victims, so he came back from the dead for vengeance, in stark contrast to everything you understand about how vengeance is supposed to work. They may be dumb motives, but they are motives.

If you want to be a good slasher, where in this case "good" means memorable, prolific, or at least sequel-worthy, you can't let motive get too complicated or sensible. Look at Jigsaw. He's killed people across about 30 films, despite dying of cancer in the third film, and his motive may be the single stupidest motive in the history of film, horror or otherwise. He's sick, see, so as a man with a newfound respect for life, he wants others to be more respectful of their own lives, even if that means putting their heads in an electrified bear trap lined with shotguns and AIDS. Don't question anything he does or how he does it for a dozen films after he dies, because then you'll miss the clever death scenes, and that's how motive gets away from you.

So basically all you need is something that can loosely tie you to a victim, and the bigger the pool of victims, the better. Might I suggest you find a way to get horribly wronged by the fans of Game of Thrones, such that you need to stalk and murder them all with props from the show? If you can be the person who beats people to death with Peter Dinklage, that will be exceptionally memorable. Or maybe your family was killed by drunken cosplayers and now you're the Phantom of Comic-Con, strangling nerds with their own entrails. It could work. When all else fails, relate your heinous actions in some way to sex and sexuality. Like say you're a virgin and now you need to kill everyone who's ever touched a boob because something something your mother/rage/voices from the back of the toilet.

#3. Get a Gimmick

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Name a horror movie slasher who doesn't have a gimmick. If there is one, his name is probably Franz. Fuck Franz. No one likes Franz, and his movie grossed enough to pay for the shed the director is going to masturbate gloomily in while the repo company takes away his furnishings, his car, and his dog from the main house.

Real slashers have gimmicks, sometimes more than one. Is it a mask? A really ridiculous and impractical method of killing? The fact that she's a girl with a penis? Put your hand in the cookie jar and pull 'em all out if you think you can make it work. But just make sure it's something blatantly obvious, and don't worry in the slightest about originality.

At this point you may be thinking that of course you need originality -- isn't that how these things work? Oh my gosh, I am laughing. A good belly laugh, thank you for that. No, horror movies shun originality like Catholic school girls shun birth control and the History Channel has taken to shunning sanity. For instance, what do Halloween, Friday the 13th, Alice, Sweet Alice, Terror Train, The Strangers, You're Next, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream, Valentine, Smiley, Laid to Rest, and probably 100 others have in common? Stupidly impractical masks. Could anyone possibly have been able to see even 50 percent of the world around them through any of those goofy-ass masks? Not likely. Maybe that's why they were so angry all the time.

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This fall, no one's cans are safe from ... The Can Opener!

In the interests of efficiency and dedication to your craft, you're going to want to have both a gimmick mask and a gimmick weapon. Machetes seem like a good idea at first, but they're overdone and probably require extensive sharpening between murder fests. Chainsaws seem like a viable alternative but can be noisy and do require gas. Did you remember gas money in your murder pants? A gun is just sacrilege; you can't kill a man with a gun. Maybe try a really big pair of pruning shears or a baseball bat laced with corkscrews. Won't that make one hell of a mess!

As for your crazy-ass mask, a plain white face seems like the go-to choice for the lazy, fashion-unconscious killer, but it's like farting in your own face at this point -- who really needs it? Call me crazy, and maybe I am for offering tips on modeling yourself after fictional serial killers, but I bet a mask based on any of the characters from The Big Bang Theory would be pretty compelling. Imagine how shitty you'd feel if your last moments on Earth were cowering in fear from a corkscrew bat at the feet of Sheldon.

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Felix Clay

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