4 Bad Movies That Were Hilariously Sure of a Sequel

Movies have optimistically peppered their endings with "teaser" scenes meant to lead into a sequel for as long as I've been watching them. Possibly longer. The point is, not every mid- or post-credits sequence ever filmed has Nick Fury in it. However, not every sequel teaser winds up leading directly into Back to the Future Part II or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, either. Some of them, meant to tantalize us with a vague promise of a sequel, never amounted to a second film and only served to make us even sadder about the time and money we had just wasted watching this one. Movies like Battlefield Earth, for example.

Morgan Creek Productions/Franchise Pictures/Warner Bros. Pictures via YouTube

"And we'll end the movie with John Travolta plotting his escape from Space Jail! People will go nuts!"

This should be a misdemeanor. How dare you make a movie this stupid and assume people would want to see more? The directors should be forced to make straight-to-video sequels in other franchises, like Air Buddies or Jesse Stone. Those things aren't even movies, they're just constructions meant to punish.

Sony Pictures Television
"For the crime of filming a teaser sequence starring John Travolta, you are sentenced to three Jesse Stones and a Land Before Time."

In no particular order of terribleness, here are four movies that set up sequels that never got made.

#4. Super Mario Bros.

Hollywood Pictures/Buena Vista Pictures

I believe it can be safely said, without hyperbole, that the Super Mario Bros. movie was created following one of the most baffling executive brainstorming sessions in recorded history. They must have sent some intern out to have a vision quest in the Mojave Desert with nothing but a screenshot of the game and a water filter for his own urine, then turned his inevitable police statement into a motion picture.

Instead of a lush fantasy kingdom, Mario and Luigi are bombing around in a subterranean alternate universe that looks like an unused set from Total Recall. Instead of a fire-breathing turtle dinosaur with nipple-shearing wrist collars of sexual destruction, Koopa looks like a pit boss from Biff Tannen's Pleasure Paradise. And Big Bertha, a giant fish that relentlessly tries to eat Mario and Luigi in the games, is reimagined for the film as a fat black woman in stripper armor. Super Mario Bros. is the rare case in which being familiar with the source material actually makes the film more confusing.

Hollywood Pictures/Buena Vista Pictures via YouTube
Although in fairness, she still looks like she wants to eat them.

The Teaser:

It's twofold -- Princess Daisy comes back to New York to grab the Super Mario Brothers and tell them she needs their Super Mario Help on another adventure. Then, mercifully, the credits roll, but after they're over, we're treated to one more scene with Iggy and Spike Koopa getting their own spinoff video game, just in case there was anyone still left in the theater for some inexplicable reason.

Why the Sequel Never Happened:

Unfortunately, there isn't much of a story behind why the world was never treated to Super Mario Bros. 2: The Sequel, other than the simple fact that the original film is so baneful, voodoo shamans wear it around their necks to intercept curses. The movie makes absolutely no sense, has nothing to do with the video games (which isn't surprising, since there is no "story" in the original Mario games beyond "a tiny red man with a mustache constituting one-eighth of his visible body mass charges relentlessly toward the opposite end of the screen, killing all those who oppose him"), and is about as entertaining as listening to someone playing Nintendo in the next room.

Hollywood Pictures/Buena Vista Pictures
"Children will love this!" -a maniac

Furthermore, the entire principle cast insists that it was easily the worst working experience of their respective careers. Bob Hoskins hates it with every fiber of his being, John Leguizamo devoted an entire chapter of his autobiography to the movie's unbridled shititude, and Dennis Hopper literally called it a nightmare. Considering some of the peyote-laced night terrors that must've boiled behind that man's resting eyelids, this is arguably the strongest criticism that could possibly be leveled at a Mario Bros. movie. It was so bad, it cost Dennis Hopper sleep, and few things outside of a bone-whittled music box playing nothing but indecipherable whispers can do that.

#3. Godzilla (1998)

TriStar Pictures/Sony Pictures

Godzilla was 1998's answer to the question "How many pizzas has Matthew Broderick eaten since 1986?" (Inspector Gadget was 1999's answer.) It holds the dubious distinction of being both a 10-minute movie about a giant lizard and a two-hour documentary about a bunch of people standing around and talking about a giant lizard.

TriStar Pictures/Sony Pictures via YouTube
"Wow, a giant lizard?! Should we go outside and look at it?"
"No, let's sit here and continue discussing it. Hank Azaria is still eating."

This bold directorial decision was made by cinematic warlock Roland Emmerich, who occasionally tries his hand at making historical dramas that are about as historical as an episode of Hogan's Heroes. I'm pretty sure every Roland Emmerich movie is cobbled together from scenes that were deleted from previous Roland Emmerich movies, which is why every joke from White House Down feels like it was written in 1996, and why Randy Quaid flies an F/A-18 in The Patriot. At any rate, you will be hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn't think Godzilla should be retroactively retitled Feelings-Hurter 1998 or The Movie That Ruined My 15th Birthday Party.

The Teaser:

Just as the credits are about to roll and we have all begun to flee the theater, one of those ridiculous Godzillaraptors hatches out of its egg in Madison Square Garden and leaps at the screen to remind us that Roland Emmerich couldn't come up with two hours' worth of reasons to watch an 80-story atomic fury monster and decided to rip off Jurassic Park instead.

TriStar Pictures/Sony Pictures via YouTube

This gives us an irresistible setup for Godzilla 2: Baby's Day Out, which would presumably lead into part three, Shia LaBeouf vs. Mechagodzilla.

Why the Sequel Never Happened:

As I've mentioned before, Godzilla was so bad that it literally frightened Sony into sitting on the Godzilla film rights like a man desperately trying to suck a poop back into his anus. The original plan was to make a trilogy starring Ferris Bueller's depleted older brother and Jean Reno's exasperated French glare. When the movie underperformed financially and critically, Sony locked the film rights away like Walt Disney's frozen corpse until they expired and went back to Japan where they belong. Seriously, America has no idea how to make giant monster movies. Godzilla was a $120 million production, and it managed to spawn fewer sequels than The Whole Nine Yards.

TriStar Pictures/Sony Pictures via YouTube
"You heard me, Domino's. Send all the pizza you have."

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Tom Reimann

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