Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Guys, I hit the mother lode. This might be the last column I write, because I just bought something that will probably put my children's great-great-grandchildren through Space College. I was trying to fall asleep by browsing eBay and listening to Skrillex at 5 a.m. when I made a discovery that nearly made me spill out my late-night burrito: a mysterious Game Boy cartridge that contains not one game but one hundred and five. For real. Now, I can't find the Nintendo Seal Of Quality anywhere on the box, but still, I see nothing to suggest that my newly purchased Handy Game Super 105-In-1 might not be a legitimate release.


All right, since you asked nicely.

Do you realize what this means, hypothetical reader? I've seen individual Game Boy games go for over $4,000 on eBay, so if my calculations are correct, this investment might make me as much as half a million dollars richer -- and it only cost me $35 (plus $12 shipping from Estonia)! Of course, I can't offer this to Sotheby's until I've verified that the cartridge does indeed come with all the amazing-sounding, only occasionally misspelled games listed on the back of the box. So, please join me as I break out my original Game Boy and experience magical video game adventures with titles such as:

25
Turtle Ninja

What It Sounds Like:

Here's how this will work: First, I'll tell you the name that appears on the Super 105-In-1 box, and then I'll play the game and show you what it actually is. We're off to a perplexing start with a game called Turtle Ninja, which is such a random combination of words -- like Elephant Stockbroker or BuzzFeed Journalist. I'm guessing it's a game about a ninja who moves really, really slow? I can't imagine what else that title could refer to.

What It Actually Is:

Konami

Ninja Turtles! Whaaat! Never saw that coming. Although, come to think of it, the fake name actually describes the game better than the real one would, since not only do the characters move slower than molasses (as processed by an 8-bit pocket console) ...

Konami
The AI in this game is amazing, though.

... but there's only ever one turtle present at a time, so calling it Turtles plural would be misleading. Good call, bootleggers.

24
Bouken Jima

What It Sounds Like:

I'm assuming this is Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima (aka Adventure Island), the classic platforming game about a baby caveman who rides midget dinosaurs.

What It Actually Is:

Hudson Soft

No! It's Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima 2! Fuck! FUCK!

Continue Reading Below

23
Sufer Mario

What It Sounds Like:

Obviously, this name is misspelled, but I'm not sure if it's meant to be Surfer Mario or Suffer, Mario. Or ... both? Like, maybe Mario was surfing and got kidnapped by a dolphin who's into S&M? That, or it's the hellish surfing level from Battletoads, but with a fat plumber.

What It Actually Is:

It's just good old Super Mario Land -- or is it? Check out this crazy shit:

Nintendo

That's right, you start with three lives instead of the usual two. For Mario purists, this is more fucked up than that hacked NES game where Mario wears a Ku Klux Klan robe and fights walking vaginas. Spoilers: Super Mario Land appears three more times in this cartridge, as Super Mario, Mario Boy, and SP Mario, and each time ...

Nintendo

The lives you start with ...

Nintendo

Keep inexplicably ...

Nintendo

... going up. We're dealing with master hackers here.

22
Mickey Mouse

What It Sounds Like:

Mickey Mouse.

What It Actually Is:

Bugs Bunny.

Kemco
Mickey loves snacking on human organs, if I'm understanding the implication here.

The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle, that is, which was released in Japan as Mickey Mouse due to licensing issues -- an interesting factoid I just found out by searching this game on Google and finding this column of mine from last year. Listen, I don't even remember what the first entry on this article was about.

Continue Reading Below

21
Dr. Mario

What It Sounds Like:

Tetris or something. A giraffe. Look, I've been burned too many times. The only thing I know for certain anymore is that this game lies -- in fact, write me down for "anything but Dr. Mario." You're not fooling me again, game.

What It Actually Is:

Nintendo

I'm gonna take a shit on your face, game.

20
Mario Egg

What It Sounds Like:

Hmmm ...

Matthew Bush

What It Actually Is:

Nintendo

"Hey, what's the name of that little dinosaur from the Mario games?"

"Mario?"

"No, the one Mario rides?"

"Mario Horse."

"No, no. You know, the one Mario finds inside an egg?"

"Mario ... Egg."

"Yeah, that sounds right. Thanks!"

Continue Reading Below

19
Ishido

What It Sounds Like:

Probably an abbreviation for I, Bushido, meaning this is about old-timey samurais going around slashing shit up with their katanas. I forgot to include the words "badass" and "awesome" somewhere in that sentence, but they were kind of implied.

What It Actually Is:

Some Japanese board game, apparently. I'm not sure, because my screen gets all fucked up when I start it, and I get scared and turn it off:


Trinity and Morpheus need me! Where's the nearest payphone?

18
Battle City

What It Sounds Like:

A beat 'em up game where you go around punching literally everyone in the city. The BATTLE city.

What It Actually Is:

Namco

Pac-Man with tanks! I was all set to say, "Oh, it's the South Park pronunciation of 'city,'" but this is actually pretty fun. You control a tank during a war, and you're supposed to protect your base, which is marked by an eagle, and ... wait, my army's logo is an eagle?

Namco, Richard Schroder

Uh. Next.

Continue Reading Below

17
Bouken 2

What It Sounds Like:

OK, if Bouken Jima up there was actually Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima 2, then it stands to reason that Bouken 2 is actually Takahashi Meijin no Bouken Jima 3. Math doesn't lie, my friends.

What It Actually Is:

Hudson Soft

FUCK!!

16
Tennis

What It Sounds Like:

Probably a tennis game.

What It Actually Is:

Nintendo

Holy shit! It is a tennis game! I'm so happy right now. OK, I've figured this out: When the names are sports-related, then they're accurate. I cracked your inscrutable code, Super 105-In-1. It's all smooth sailing from now on.

Continue Reading Below

15
Volley Fire

What It Sounds Like:

A fast-paced volleyball game where the action really "heats up"! Play as Rick McBeefster, Sandy McHotlegs, or Rusty McDogthatplaysvolleyball.

What It Actually Is:

Toei Animation
Fun fact: This GIF takes up 2,000 percent more space than the actual game.

That's sort of like volleyball, I guess.

14
Boxing

What It Sounds Like:

I don't know, man. I don't know anything anymore.

What It Actually Is:

Activision

"Phew, I've finished my painstaking pixel art portrait of Mike Tyson for our game. You guys know how to spell his name, right?"

"Yeah, don''t owrry abouth it."

Continue Reading Below

13
Klax

What It Sounds Like:

Klaxtin "Klax" Shollvakker is a warrior from the 27th century who joins a gang of intergalactic outlaws devoted to destroying the evil Zparfloxx Empire and- ah, who am I kidding? It's probably some shitty puzzle game.

What It Actually Is:

Mindscape

I'm getting better at this, but I don't think that's a good thing.

12
Bubble Ghost

What It Sounds Like:

A psychological terror game in which you're trapped in a spherical glass prison ("The Bubble") with a ghoul that stalks and torments you. Oh, Japan. How do you come up with this stuff?!

What It Actually Is:

It's just a ghost blowing on a bubble. Literally, that's the whole game.

FCI

Also, it's not even Japanese. It's French. Man, France sucks at psychological terror.

Continue Reading Below

11
Master Karateka

What It Sounds Like:

A very, very good karate guy, hence the title "master." Really, the best karate guy you could possibly imagine.

What It Actually Is:

This guy's shittier than Ralph Macchio at the beginning of Karate Kid. Apparently, this is his only move:

Bandai

Seriously, whatever button I press (and it's a Game Boy, so there's not many to choose from) the only thing he can do to defend himself is vigorously bow at the other guy like he's about to stress-puke.

Oh, wait, he actually can fight once the enemy gets closer! Let's see what sort of sweet moves he-

Bandai
Sucking this hard is exhausting.

That was the entire fight.

10
Othello

What It Sounds Like:

Whatever the hell this turns out to be, it can't possibly be creepier than the Shakespeare play that served as an excuse for white actors to put on blackface for centuries, right?

What It Actually Is:

Nintendo

The neckless clown man's finger says no, but my soul screams YES. At least there's no accidental racism. Right?

Nintendo
I need to stop saying "right?" at the end of sentences, and generally hoping for things.

Continue Reading Below

9
Puzzle Boy

What It Sounds Like:

Ah, there goes the Puzzle Boy. The boy who likes to do puzzles. Such a simple, innocent concept.

What It Actually Is:

Acclaim

This is -- no shit -- a game about two sentient tomatoes who get lost in the subterranean labyrinth beneath a city, and then one of them suddenly disappears and the other has to find her. It's the plot of a pizza indigestion nightmare. So, naturally, it's called Puzzle Boy.

8
Tetris

What It Sounds Like:

Dr. Mario?

What It Actually Is:

Nintendo

Figures.

Continue Reading Below

7
Minesweeper

What It Sounds Like:

Historically, the second-biggest productivity killer in office workers, after Cracked.com.

What It Actually Is:

Microsoft Studios

Holy shit! This thing actually comes with Minesweeper, officially making it better than Windows 8. Which is ... something. Not much, but something.

6
Alien

What It Sounds Like:

The 1979 sci-fi horror classic that proved penises can be scary.

What It Actually Is:

Meldac

It is! It really is Alien! Except with three deformed rabbits instead of the Xenomorph, a fat man with a ponytail instead of Sigourney Weaver, and feudal Japan instead of a spaceship ...

Meldac

... but other than that, it's exactly like the movie. Awesome.

Continue Reading Below

5
Bouken 3

What It Sounds Like:

Pass.

What It Actually Is:

Hudson Soft

I SAID "PASS" FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCKKKK.

4
Flipull

What It Sounds Like:

Nothing. That's not a word.

What It Actually Is:

Woo! Nailed it! Moving on.

Continue Reading Below

3
Hyperlode Runner

What It Sounds Like:

I can't explain why, but this sounds extremely filthy to me. Like, it's about a guy with five penises shooting off all at once. While running. Shame on whichever degenerate invented this thing.

What It Actually Is:

Hmm. The graphics look familiar, but I've seen so many Game Boy games today that I can't place this one. Oh, well, duplicates were to be expected.

2
Amida

What It Sounds Like:

Uh, wait ...

What It Actually Is:

Yeah, shit. I think my Game Boy broke. Maybe it was this cursed cartridge from Hell. Maybe it was when I threw it at the wall after seeing Bouken 2 for the third time. We'll never know for sure. This Game Boy was still functional after 26 years of drops, battery leakage, and the brutal passage of time, but it couldn't survive this one stupid article.

I'll give it one more try, just in case ...

Continue Reading Below

1
Bouken 4

What It Sounds Like:

FUCK.

What It Actually Is:

Hudson Soft

THIS. How many more times does this cartridge intend to expose me to this exact same game?

Whoops, my Game Boy ran into the wall again, and then a hammer fell on it, and then the pieces fell into the toilet. Goodbye, old friend.


Maxwell Yezpitelok doesn't really listen to Skrillex. He lied to you. Here's the action comic he writes!

For more from Maxwell, check out 4 Famous Debates Solved at Last (in Super Smash Bros.) and What the Next 11 Marvel Movies Will Be About.

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.

Cracked is up for a Webby Award! Click here and give us a vote for "Best Humor Website."

To turn on reply notifications, click here

381 Comments

Load Comments