Cracked Columnists

2 New Shirts for 'Despicable Me' and 'Voltron' Fans

It's inconclusive whether spring makes everyone think of sex because we start to shed our clothes or if we start shedding our clothes because biological imperative insists that this is the best time of year to rub against each other. It's the old sexy chicken or sexy egg conundrum, and we're certainly not qualified to answer it, but we feel just fine about capitalizing on it.

Boom, that's exactly what you think it is: Voltron with the elusive sixth lion, exactly where you would expect it to be. The scarcely mentioned pink lion only appeared for the most dangerous situations in which the Voltron Force had to sexfight their way out of a bad situation. We're printing a limited number of these shirts, so don't dilly-dally, or whatever it is you're doing there on your computer.

The original concept came to us through the Photoplasty contest Rejected Rough Drafts of Famous Characters and then was redesigned by Nathan Birch. We're offering this design on a black shirt or a navy blue shirt, because if there's one thing we learned playing Voltron as kids, it's that color choice says a lot about you.


If Sex Is Only Appealing to You for the Promise of Progeny ...

Look, all those minions have to come from somewhere, and as long as we're being candid, then yes, it's probably from slippery snot sacks hanging pendulously from the rafters. But just like real humans that start out shrill and hideous, they turn into adorable creatures after you wash them off a little and teach them to smile. This design came to us from Caleb Payne, and you can get it on a black, navy blue, or royal blue shirt. Or hell, all three, if you want to throw them on your own snotty, slippery offspring. Sadly, this is also available for a limited time only.

Our Designs Also Have to Come from Somewhere

And that somewhere could be you! Our current shirt design contest won't end until Friday, and you can win $500 if you submit the best idea. We're looking for iconic logos appropriated for maximum hilarity/cleverness/style. So what if a murder of corporate bigwigs worked night and day to come up with the Nike swoosh? All the more reason for you to turn that swoosh into a Sonic the Hedgehog spiral ramp your idea that's way better than a Sonic the Hedgehog spiral ramp. Just be sure to post it in the forums by Friday afternoon, a task that doesn't even require putting shoes on (zinged you again, Nike).

Party Like It's St. Patrick's Day (Because We Posted This on St. Patrick's Day)

Whether you're Irish, Irish-ish, or just happy to be putting green things in your digestive system, St. Patrick's Day tends to be more of an endurance event than a gifting period. So let us help you give yourself some springtime holiday cheer:

That's right: Every shirt in our store is 17 percent off from now through Sunday, March 23 (when you'll be partying for St. Toribio Alfonso de Mogrovejo's Day). Just use promo code "IRISH-ISH" at checkout and let us work the math for you.

You Have Spoken, and We Have a Winner

We took a stab at democracy with our recent Raccoon City shirts, and it paid off. You selected this T-virus shirt to take a slot in our Dispensary and, full disclosure, there was a right and a wrong answer here, and you nailed it. Well, at least most of you did. So nice work, 58 percent of you: The fruit of your effort is available for purchase.



And as for the other design, we're selling off the limited supply we have and then retiring it for good. So if you were one of the people who voted for it, get it while you still can.

Our Weekly Dose of Envy

Success breeds more success, which is why there are sites we keep going back to again and again in awestruck, bitterly jealous amazement. We comb the Internet every week for the best new shirts we wish we came up with, and here are the five we think you'll look the raddest in as you use your sexually hardwired brain to find that predetermined special someone.

5)


Available at BustedTees

4)


Available at Redbubble

3)


Available at Society6

2)


Available at Shirtoid

1)


Available at Society6

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Alex Schmidt

  • Rss
To turn on reply notifications, click here

26 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!