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12 Dangerously Irresponsible Steps to Building Your Own PC

If you're anything like me, you prefer to do things yourself -- whether that's fixing your car, building a shed or, in this case, putting together your new PC. If you're anything like me, you're a wildly incompetent borderline alcoholic narcissist with rage issues and an irrational distrust of technology. If you're anything like me, this is not going to go very well for you ...

Step 1. Assess Your Needs

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Are you absolutely sure that you need a new computer? If your games are sluggish, a dose of RAM and a new video card might do the trick. If you're running out of space, that's just a new hard drive. If porn sites aren't letting you in anymore, just steal someone else's credit card. All of those are way easier fixes than building a new rig from scratch. Pretty much the only reasons to purchase and construct an entirely new custom PC is if you ...

A. really know what you are doing,

B. do not have any kind of computer at all, or

C. are very drunk, and somebody told you that you couldn't do it.

Well, fuck you, Gary -- you don't know me. You don't know my history. I'll build -- I can build whatever I want. I can build a boat. And I'll call it the S.S. Suck My Boat-Dick, Gary.

Step 2. Acquire the Parts

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Now, before you go off and do something drastic, like "shop," you'll want to take a look around you. Why buy new, when used might do the job just fine? Don't be a wasteful member of our consumerist society. Odds are that your friends and neighbors all have computers. You know what's easier than buying and building a brand new PC? Petty larceny!

If you're worried about getting caught, here's a trick: Only steal one part at a time. Plenty of people will call the cops because somebody stole their computer -- nobody calls the cops because they're "pretty sure the dirty-bathrobe guy from next door jacked my heat sink."

If you're encountering some difficulty with this step, and a good, heavy brick doesn't quickly alleviate the problem, you're going to have to go to a store. You could probably order online, but man, if you had access to a working credit card, you'd still be getting into porn sites and there would be no reason to build a new PC, right?

Step 3. Shopping

Frys.com

If you're outside of a major metropolitan hub, the only electronics store near you is probably a Best Buy, in which case: Congratulations on your new HDTV and Xbox Elite Madden Edition Bundle, which "Chad" from the "computers and shit" department insists is "totally like a computer, but not for fags."

PROTIP: Get the extended warranty! They're all already laughing at you anyway.

If you're lucky, however, you might have a Fry's that is precisely one hour farther away from you than you would ideally like to drive this weekend. If that's the case, you might actually come out the other end of this guide with something like a PC. The key here is to stride purposefully and manfully into the Computer Parts aisles, pick up two boxes and carefully consider them until somebody comes over to help you.

Wave him away. Wave them all away.

You want the absolute last guy who comes to help you. He's going to be the last guy because he's the only one currently busy actually helping somebody else instead of Googling "what is a PCI bus some kind of bus or car" at the least conspicuous workstation. Be patient: The man you want will come to help you, eventually. He will have a beard. His name will be Alan.

He will be magnificent.

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He will be helpful and patient and kind, like a lover. His strong but gentle hands will whip hard drives from the shelves like ripe apples; he will slap inferior video cards from your hands like a worried mother; he will be everything you've ever wanted in a customer service employee.

CAUTION: DO NOT GROW ATTACHED TO ALAN.

Alan will disappear exactly halfway through the shopping process, and he will never return. He will be replaced by a boy whose name tag reads "Billiam." Billiam will have terrible allergies, and will somehow manage to wear a belt wrong. He will insist that the first product he grabs is the best one, but only after a long pause and a frantic glance around for help. Just buy whatever he tells you to.

Hope left a long time ago; too late, you realize its name was "Alan."

Step 4. Prepping for Assembly

Shit, what is all this stuff? SATA cables? Solid state drives? Terabytes? What the fuck is a terabyte?! Do we -- do we not use gigabytes anymore? Is this like a VHS/Beta situation? God damn it.

God damn it.

Gary was right. You're not smart enough for this.

There's only one solution ...

You're going to have to get really, really drunk.

Drinking builds confidence, and confidence is 99 percent of PC assembly. Sadly, the only liquor available in the house will be old, dusty wine or some kind of flavored bullshit that seemed like a good idea at the time, but turned out to taste like someone ran booze through a prison convict's ass and then filtered it back out with a Pixy Stick. Take your Bushmills Irish Honey whiskey into the office, close the door, put on the most esoteric Japanese neo-punk you can find and steel yourself: This is going to get weird.

And it's going to taste like you're tossing a bee's salad.

Maybe we can make a game of it: Every time you have to stop and flip through the manual to figure out an acronym you don't understand, take a drink. Ready? Go!

Shit, BIOS? Really? Right out of the gate?

You'd better put the hospital back on speed dial.

Step 5. Assembly

Terabyte? More like ... more like GARYbyte ... s my cock. Ha! That's good. That's good stuff. Look at this fuckin' thing:

What the bullshit are you? You're clearly supposed to go in that slot.

You too good for the slot, hombre? You remind me of Gary. With your flashy gold pin things and that stupid goddamn look on your non-face.

YOU.

GO IN.

THE SLOT.

Yeah, ahah, what's up now, dick? This is slot-town, population: Dick. (That's you.)

...

God damn it, I'm so lonely.

Step 6. Call Your Exes

Vaaaannnesssaaa ...

Haha, what, baby? No, that's dumb; don't be dumb. I never promised that, I-

Vanessa, come on, hey. No, just listen. Just listen for a second, OK? I just want to say one thing, I promise, and then I'll -- you can hang up. Just one thing. S'important. Promise.

OK? Here we go: Why were you always such a bitch?

Vanessa?

VAANNEESSSAAA.

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Robert Brockway

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