Comic book villains can single-handedly destroy planets or turn entire populations into gorillas, and the superhero response is usually to lock them inside an easily escapable prison for several weeks. However, some supercrimes requires a more ... creative punishment. And by "creative" we mean "Significantly worse than anything the bad guy could have dreamed up."
6Spider-Man Sentences Sandman To One Eternity Of Infinite Anguish
Spider-Man's standard idea of justice is making fun of you while he kicks you in the face, but he's not against the occasional unthinkably cruel punishment, because, otherwise, what's the point of being a superhero, really?
So, one of Spider-Man's oldest foes is Flint Marko, aka Sandman. As you probably know, or could have easily guessed, Sandman is a man made of sand. It's honestly not much more complicated than that. His punishments however, are. Deserved or not, none of Spider-Man's enemies got it worse than Sandman.
Though when it came to punishment, Sandman could dish it out, too.
This is from a real comic, by the way.
Sandman was an interesting problem for both logic and law enforcement. He's a super strong pile of sand, and what that meant varied wildly from day to day and writer to writer. Sometimes he could smash through a bank vault and other times he was helpless against the walls of a vacuum cleaner's bag. Speaking of, that's usually how Spider-Man took care of him.
"Ha ha, really? Wait, is this working!?"
This happened all the time. In the Ultimate Marvel Universe, Sandman was once separated into jars and frozen by Iron Man. Can you imagine being broken up into pieces and kept alive in separate jars? Probably not, but at least you could argue Sandman was unconscious for that. Our Spider-Man from the original Marvel dimension took madness-inducing incarceration to the next level.
Spider-Man theorized that Sandman couldn't have been just a pile of sand, since that makes no goddamn sense. It made slightly more sense that his consciousness had to be contained in one single magic grain of sand, and all they had to do was capture it. So he hatched a plan. He created a smartphone app that transmitted signals to Sandman's brain to force him to transform into different shapes. We apologize for the word salad, but comics are very strange.
If you download the real-life Marvel companion app, they'll send you an explanation for this bullshit.
Spider-Man knew if they kept fucking with him, they'd eventually find the single grain of sand containing his soul. So he hit a button on his phone that forced Sandman to transform into the shape of his own estranged daughter, Keemia. We're not kidding.
Dude. Dude. Did you just hijack my brainwaves to turn my crotch into my ... my daughter?
Once they found the grain that contained Flint's mind, it was simply a matter of trapping it in a web and locking it away. Think about that for a second -- people go insane in solitary confinement after days, and this was solitary confinement beyond all reason. They locked this man away without eyes, ears, or a mouth to scream. Time would stretch infinitely, and none of your prayers could even be asked, much less answered. That's a living Hell. If they let Sandman out after a month and told him it was now the year 1 zillion, he'd say, "Sand! Sand! Sand!!!!" Which is Sandmadness talk for, "I 100 percent believe you."
5Batman Convinces His Parents' Murderer To Kill Himself
Bruce Wayne began his crusade against crime after his parents were brutally slain by a thug named Joe Chill. We bet you've heard this story before. If not, hi, we hope we're enjoying this article, the first thing you've ever read, ever.
"AND AFTER I PLUG YA, DON'T NONE OF YOUS BECOME BATMANS, SEE?"
It was the defining moment of Bruce Wayne's life, so he must have fantasized about what he'd do to this evil bastard every day for decades. So what happened after Batman finally found him? He psychologically tortured him over the course of weeks, of course.
"You kill my parents, I make you pee your pants."
Batman haunts Joe Chill's house night after night, slowly driving him mad. Terrified and confused, Chill surrounds himself with guards, waiting for Batman to make good on his implied threats. He never does -- Batman just ducks in, makes Joe piss himself, and leaves. Over and over.
"So I shoot innocent people every now and then! God, get over it!"
After Chill becomes a jittering, pee-squirting mound of jelly, Batman sneaks in, beats his guards unconscious, and puts a gun to his head. The same gun Joe used to kill his parents.
"So y-you're an ambulance driver? Some k-kind of Martha? I'm sorry, could you start over?
I was shitting myself for most of that."
After a very, very long speech, Joe finally figures it out -- this is little Bruce Wayne all grown up, and he's responsible for creating Batman. Much more quickly, he figures out how upset all his criminal friends will be when they find out. Though now that he uses his pants as a toilet and everyone around him gets beaten up by Batman each night, losing friends was already probably an issue for Joe Chill.
"I MADE YOU? I HAVE TO BE HONEST, BATMAN; I THINK THAT IS GOING TO GET ME LAID LIKE CRAZY."
He hands the gun to Joe Chill and leaves. To his credit, Joe doesn't embarrass himself by trying to shoot Batman. Instead, he breaks down crying and looks down at the gun he used to kill Bruce Wayne's parents. Will he do it? Has The Bat terrified this man enough to blow his own head off?
Of course he has. And The Bat hopes the little bitch section of Hell is extra hot, Joe Chill.