We expect our famous people to be a little bit crazy, because money and fame mess with your head in ways science can barely comprehend. Still, there's a difference between those who, say, think the government staged the 9/11 attacks and those who live their lives in fear of being raped by witches. Which brings us to ...
#5. Megan Fox: Bigfoot Hunter
We kind of feel sorry for Megan Fox. It's like she wants to be taken seriously as an actress but keeps landing roles as "the boob interlude between explosions" in Michael Bay movies. Surprisingly, though, it turns out that her on-screen reputation as a cheap sex symbol isn't a source of much anguish for Fox -- what really grinds her gears is people not taking bigfoot seriously.
Fox's tendency to bring up her belief in Sasquatch on occasions that don't even remotely warrant it has become something of an inside joke among journalists. In an almost surrealistically bizarre interview with Esquire, she was asked about her favorite celebrities and proudly answered: bigfoot. Her favorite film? "Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie?"
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A waiter once asked Fox if she would like soup or salad. She spent the next
two hours talking about bigfoot's dietary habits. The waiter did not survive.
Even at this year's Comic-Con, when Fox was approached by reporters for People magazine, she squandered the opportunity to promote Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in favor of rambling about her favorite podiatrically blessed cryptid.
We can't imagine why.
It's tempting to presume that she's just playing some kind of longform prank on gossip journalists, but if her recent interview with MTV is anything to go by, it looks like she has zero sense of humor about it. When the interviewer brings up the topic of her "outlandish" beliefs, Fox rolls her eyes and immediately retaliates with a bunch of bigfoot "facts."
Of course, given that she also claims she could totally find the mythical creature herself but hasn't given it a go yet, we can assume that Fox is either fucking with us all or she's just really, really lazy.
#4. David Bowie Lived in Constant Fear of Witches
If cocaine and not giving a fuck somehow managed to have a baby, that baby's name would be David Bowie. Over the years, the man has become the definition of the experimental, oddball musician, but you probably assumed that, even at its worst, Bowie's craziness was always of the creative, artistic variety. Definitely not something that involved, say, witches.
Surprise! It was witches -- as in, throughout the 1970s, Bowie lived in crippling fear that he was being stalked by witches who wanted to steal his sperm.
Somehow, we have no problem believing that.
Biographers of Bowie's most fucked-up phase record that his obsession reached fever pitch at around the time he was working on his 1976 album Station to Station, which mainly involved snorting coke and reading every book in his house. Eventually, he got really into occult subjects like psychic-protection techniques, claiming that they prevented brides of Satan from breaking into his mind (see: coke).
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Take your protein pills, and put your tinfoil helmet on.
Cameron Crowe, who was a journalist at the time, once encountered Bowie in his studio, fearfully lighting black candles after supposedly detecting a malevolent presence. He also carried a cross and a Jewish talisman, because, dammit, the witches had to be scared of at least one of them. He couldn't take any chances, you see. During that time, Bowie was convinced that witches were trying to get their hands on his semen to make a baby that they were going to sacrifice to Satan, like a glam-rock Rosemary's Baby.
Which is weird, because we remember our parents telling us that Bowie WAS Satan.
In the following years, rumors abounded that Bowie was collecting his semen, urine, and other bodily fluids in jars and hiding them around the house (which we assume was due to the witch thing). Eventually, his paranoia came to an end when concerned friends hooked him up with a practicing good witch who agreed to perform an exorcism for him, after which Bowie finally stopped worrying about paranormal rapists. He also quit cocaine around that same time, but we're sure that had nothing to do with it.
#3. Ariana Grande Fought Off Demons
Famed pop singer Ariana Grande has basically built a reputation for herself as a human version of a wine cooler: girly, nonthreatening, and mostly consumed by 15-year-olds. Everything that she does, from her music to her private life, is always so sane and sensible that when the magazine Complex jokingly asked Grande if she believed in ghosts during a 2013 interview, they were probably expecting a cutesy sound bite in reply. Instead, the artist started telling them about her second career as an amateur exorcist.
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"These boots are made for kicking Satan's ass."
According to Grande, while in Kansas City, she and her entourage decided to visit Stull Cemetery, a local tourist attraction that's supposedly so haunted, the pope once refused to fly over it. That's when Grande reportedly started to feel sick and smell sulfur in the car, which the singer insists was "the sign of a demon," and not, as we would assume, the sign that one of her friends just cut a rancid fart. The final proof came when Grande spotted a fly in the car, or as she described it: "another sign of a demon."
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Fly ... flying ... it's so obvious!
Knowing she had to act fast, Grande rolled down the window and apologized to the entity "attacking" her for disturbing its peace, and because Satan's minions are very big on good manners, the evil spirit decided to let Grande and her friends live. Before they left, Grande says, she took a photo of the cemetery, accidentally capturing three demonic faces in it. No, you can't see the picture. She had to delete it because its file size was 666 MB, and don't you dare question her logic, because Grande knows more about the connection between Satan and computers than every person over 60 ever.
"Get behind me, Beelzebub -- this machine runs on Windows 3.16."
She admits to having had a folder on her computer titled "Demons" with all sorts of paranormal pictures in it, which she also had to delete because it was attracting tons of evil energy that made her hear a weird rumble-like noise and see disturbing red and black shapes around her. This, of course, leads to many questions, the most pressing of which is: are we sure that "demons" isn't just what Grande calls getting wasted on wine coolers?
Either way, at least she made it out of the situation unharmed -- the same can't be said for ...