Aren't you fed up with the homogeny of all these modern video game covers? Roughly 80 percent are roid-chinned white dudes holding guns while stuff explodes in the background. Don't you wish game companies would let the designers have a bit of artistic freedom? Yeah?
Be careful what you wish for.
#7. Winning Post 3
The Japanese love horse racing games almost as much as they love inexplicable insanity. For Winning Post 3, they didn't feel like picking one or the other, so they went with both. Note that this is a completely normal and boring game where you breed horses and then make them compete -- at no point does a giantess tie huge ropes around the horses to walk them like dogs. Maybe this is supposed to symbolize your control over a stable of animal sport-slaves, but that doesn't explain why she's wearing a mask meant for S&M fanatics and/or Mexican wrestlers.
Before we move on, go back and check the box art again, in the bottom right corner. Didn't see that the first time, did you? Now you'll have to search the corner of every video game box for that face.
Double-checking your closet couldn't hurt, either.
#6. Burger Chase
Killing animals to eat them is one thing, but turning their remains back into living, sentient beings just for the pleasure of murdering them again might be a little excessive. At some point, the design team for Burger Chase, consisting solely of vegan aliens (vegalians?), got confused and assumed that human beings only eat food because we hate it and want to see it scream.
It's not like the graphic ultraviolence on the cover is even faithful to the actual game: Burger Chase is a blatant ripoff of the arcade classic BurgerTime, in which the chef actively runs away from evil food products and does not torture them to death in front of their panicked friends and family.
Unless Burger Chase is a prequel; then this makes a lot more sense.
#5. Fly Mr. Science
Bandai Namco Games
Bandai Namco Games
"There. That's where I left my skin. Can you go fetch it?"
Check your passport. You are now legally Japanese, just from having read that.
The game is a spinoff of a children's science show -- in fact, that's Mr. Science (the Bill Nye of Japan, and also hell) on the right.
Bandai Namco Games
"Kill ...me ..."
Even putting aside for the moment that Mr. Science is surely playing some sort of long con to trick Japanese children into opening his puzzle box, look at those astronauts. Isn't this a game about the wonders of space?
So why are our noble space explorers wearing expressions that say the very concept of "wonder" has died inside of them, and the stink of its rotting corpse is trapped in their sealed helmets?
#4. Rock Star Ate My Hamster
If you were just browsing through the covers at your game store, what would you say this title is about, at first glance? Is it a side-scrolling space shooter where you try to escape the black hole that spontaneously appeared inside of Michael Jackson's face? Is it a fighting game where you must defeat the Jheri-curled Klingon who devoured your pet? A platformer in which you control a hamster trying to escape the Singing Goblin King's intestines?
Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
An Ozzy Osbourne ARG?
Nope, the title is a reference to an infamous British tabloid headline, which sadly means that Rock Star Ate My Hamster is nothing but a simple band management simulator with little to no consumption of rodents involved. Instead, you get to control the careers of bargain bin versions of famous stars, like Wacky Jacko, Tina Turnoff, and Bill Collins. Although, hey, good news for game developers: That means the intestinal hamster platformer idea is still wide open.
Probably a better way to phrase that.
"I know what I said."