#2. Horror Movies Burn Calories
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Here's the bad news: Pop culture makes weight loss seem way easier than it actually is (losing a lot of weight is borderline impossible without surgery). But when it comes to burning a few effortless calories now and then, there are all sorts of little things you can do -- for instance, we have previously pointed out that fidgeting burns 350 calories a day. Well, now a study says you can add horror movies to the list.
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"You still use a treadmill? How quaint!"
Yep, watching horror movies gives you a sitting workout ... as long as the movie actually scares you. Settling in for 90 minutes of terror manipulates your adrenaline levels, heart rate, oxygen intake, and carbon dioxide output in a way that mimics actual physical exercise, and thus burns calories. Granted, it's not enough to take you from chubby to Size 0 by watching the entire Leprechaun series in one night (although it is a surefire way to lose 20 pounds via shame-sweating), but it will burn around the same amount of calories as a 30-minute walk in a single sitting.
The study actually boiled it down to which specific movies worked best. Out of the 10 movies they tested, the number one spot went to The Shining, with a very decent 184 calories burned per viewing. Jaws will chew 161 calories off you, The Exorcist will chant 158 away, and Alien is good for 152. A general rule of thumb is to always go for the movies that rely on jump scares, as they are the most efficient at giving you those short bursts of fear-induced adrenaline, which increase your metabolism rate and thus cause the increased calorie loss.
This screamer video playlist is basically like P90X.
"Hey, Cracked," someone is no doubt saying. "Couldn't watching a nice porno do the same thing? Like if it made me excited enough ..." The study didn't mention that, but what we can say is ...
#1. Masturbation Can Cure Tons of Everyday Ailments
Yes, friends, there is a whole host of minor ailments that can be cured with literally a flick of your wrist. You could say you have the solution to all these things right in your hand. You might even say that these cures are as easy as manually stimulating your genitals, if you know what we mean.
"Webster's dictionary defines 'jacking it' as ..."
We know the vast majority of our readers are not too familiar with the concept of masturbation, but basically it's this thing that you do with the little you that leads to an orgasm, which is the miracle drug you're looking for. For instance, you know that old joke about how men tend to fall asleep after sex? Scientific fact, baby! At the moment of orgasm, your brain releases a ton of chemicals, most of which do indeed make you sleepy. Incidentally, one of said chemicals, oxytocin, is known to enforce bonds between people, so if you're one of those folks who genuinely fall asleep after Bone Time, it probably just means you're really into that person. But the point is that, yes, jerking it is a natural sleep aid.
But acting like the world's most awesome sleeping pill is far from the only magic orgasms are capable of. Because the universe is not always a terrible place, orgasms can totally treat headaches and migraines, to the point where they can actually cure them completely. If the "I have a headache" excuse to avoid sex is something that actually exists outside of sitcom spouses, here's your answer.
Of course, you actually have to give her an orgasm for it to work.
As for your perpetually stuffy nose, you guessed it -- there's no need to look further than the ol' hands-pants dance. There's just one catch: You need to be a dude (sadly, science has yet to confirm this particular trick's effectiveness for women, as it seems to require physical ejaculation). During a male orgasm, the blood vessels all over the body constrict, including the ones in your nose. This full-body cardiovascular spasm should be enough to free your locked nasal passages.
And if you like to do butt stuff at the same time, well, you can say goodbye to those hiccups, too. You'll feel like a new goddamned man.
Interactive Lifeforms, Inc.
Penicillin ain't got dick on this.
Related Reading: By the way, there are probably a few cures you believe in that just don't work. Don't tilt your head back to avoid a nosebleed or you're a terrible fool. And by the way, Ginseng does fill you with energy if you're just willing to take a shitload of the stuff. While we're at it, did you know decapitated ants make perfect stitches?