#2. Eric Nerhus Stabs a Shark from Inside Its Own Mouth
This story starts where most others end. Eric Nerhus, a 41-year-old Australian diver, was swallowed by a shark. What, you thought Australia wouldn't make this list? Please, the champ doesn't stay that way by not swallowing motherfuckers with a shark or two now and again.
Why should venomous snakes have all the fun?
Nerhus was diving off Cape Howe searching for abalone, when the 12-foot great white bit into him like a hoagie: In one sudden gulp, it took Nerhus' head, shoulders, and one arm into its mouth. Imagine it: You don't even know you're being attacked, then the world goes dark, and you look around to find that you're already halfway to the digestive tract. Most of us wouldn't even have the presence of mind to pee ourselves just to ruin the shark's meal, but Nerhus isn't like most of us.
Showing remarkable self-control for a man who was more dinner than not, Nerhus felt alongside the shark's head with his free hand until he located its eye, and then he stabbed it with his abalone-prying chisel. Suddenly he was free. Experts (sharkologists?) say that once the shark realized Nerhus wasn't a seal, it lost interest and let him go. We prefer to think that once Nerhus demonstrated he was the absolute king of high stakes Pin the Tail on the Donkey, the shark had no choice but to back down out of respect.
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"Get lost. 'Great' my ass."
#1. Gene Moe Literally Punches a Grizzly to Death
North American Grizzly (Brown) BearAn Adult North American Grizzly (Brown) Bear GrowlingDownloadDennis Donohue/iStock/Getty Images
The main thing you should know about grizzly bears is that you should never, ever go anywhere near them unless you're some sort of superhuman comic book tough guy who can kill an apex predator with your bare fists. The main thing you should know about Alaskan hunter and would-be grizzly chow Gene Moe is that he's apparently some sort of superhuman comic book tough guy who can kill an apex predator with his bare fists.
He frequently volunteers to be Most Dangerous Gamed.
While out hunting near Kodiak, Alaska, in 1999, the nearly 70-year-old Moe was ambushed by a 750-pound female grizzly. His rifle was out of reach, and the only other weapon Moe had on him was a Model 110 Buck knife. The bear, for the record, has about four of those on each paw. Clearly, the bear was feeling pretty good about its odds: It charged and bit off a chunk of Moe's right arm, hurled him to the ground, then moved in for the kill. Moe wasn't done yet, though. He got to his feet and bobbed and weaved between the swings like a boxer, losing only half an ear in the process (hey, half an ear is pretty good on the "mauled by a grizzly" curve). Seeing he was making no progress in his game of grizzly bear rope-a-dope, Moe fought every instinct and rational thought in him, and charged. He ducked within stabbing range, and figured since he was already there, he may as well get some stabbing in. He knifed the animal in the neck, which managed to slow it down a bit, but cost Moe a healthy portion of leg-meat.
The bear charged again, so Moe figured if you're gonna go out, you may as well go out swinging. Literally -- he channeled all his strength into his left arm and threw a final punch at the grizzly as it came running at him full speed. He hit it below the eye. The momentum paralyzed Moe's arm, but you should have seen the other guy, which was a girl, and also a bear, and also now dead. As a precaution, Moe shot it twice with his rifle before he crawled two miles to get help, and to tell the guys at the bar that he just found out he's Wolverine.
"Dude ... you beat up a girl?"
Related Reading: Humans don't always fare so well in a battle against nature. these animal serial killers racked up hundreds of deaths between them. It's enough to make you want to read about this guy who fought a mountain lion off via chainsaw. If you need a reminder to distrust our animal "friends", read about these adorable critters turning to the dark side.