#2. The Girl Who Was Adopted by Monkeys
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Marina Chapman was 4 years old when she found herself the victim of a botched kidnapping. The last thing she remembers is being grabbed from behind, blacking out, and waking up in the Colombian jungle. And because her father wasn't Liam Neeson, this story sadly does not end with a bunch of dead terrorists, punched wolves, and promptly rescued little girls.
Although we would pay to see a thing called Taken vs. Predator.
Instead, Chapman was found by a troupe of carablanca monkeys, who actually took her into their clan, Jungle Book style, and taught her how to forage, climb trees, and presumably hurl her poop when threatened, confused, or bored.
After a few years of this, Chapman became an expert in stealing rice and fruit from nearby villagers, who would throw stones to drive her and her elite band of monkey thieves back into the jungle. Eventually she did reach society, where she used her jungle skills to run a gang of child thieves. The story increasingly sounds like the most ridiculous flavor of bullshit -- like blueberry, maybe -- but it's verified again and again by witnesses who recall the girl and vouch for her character.
John Chapman via The Daily Mail
"The feces, just ... everywhere."
If you're worried about the fate of this frightened and neglected little girl, don't be! Chapman was rescued ... by an abusive family that enslaved her and made her sleep beneath a stove. Jesus, she's two talking birds and a magic scarf away from a Disney movie.
Luckily, Chapman managed to escape her slaver family and took refuge in a tree, where she was spotted by a local woman who, taking pity on the child, sent her to live with her own daughter, who was glad to adopt Chapman as her own. Years later, Chapman would get her happy ending: She successfully acclimated to society and moved to England, where she married an organist. The church kind. He doesn't make her wear a vest and dance around in the street or anything.
She is, however, apparently still in a tree.
John Chapman via The Telegraph
"We save a bundle on rent!"
#1. The Man Who Spent Three Days in a Lake of Shit
Seventy-five-year-old World War II veteran Coolidge Winesett once spent three days trapped beneath an outdoor toilet. There's ... just no pretty way to put that.
Winesett, a Virginia resident, spent his days in retirement how we all dream: poopin' outdoors. Or at least damn near to it. On one visit to his ancient wooden outhouse, this particular shit got real and the ancient construction gave way to dry rot. Initially, Winesett thought the collapse was an earthquake -- and then he just really, really wished it was, as it became apparent that he was about to go tumbling into Crap Reservoir. Winesett spent the next few days wallowing in what he affectionately refers to as "the Bible's hell."
That doesn't even show up until the eighth circle in Dante's hell.
Having lost part of one leg and the use of his arm after a stroke, Winesett was powerless to escape the maggoty pond of his own refuse. Although he was kept from literally drowning in shit by a collapsed sub-floor, Winesett would spend a solid three-day weekend on a half-submerged raft adrift in a sea of feces. During his ordeal, Winesett was forced to share the cesspool with rats, snakes, and spiders, which, while normally awful, were probably a welcome respite from the unceasing landscape of poo.
Eventually, the local mail carrier became concerned about the letters piling up in Winesett's mailbox, and he went to check on the man, whereupon he heard a weakened cry for help coming from the direction of the outhouse.
"Goddammit. What do you always say? 'Don't get involved.' This is why!"
The mail carrier promptly rushed to help, and members of the volunteer fire department pitched in not long after ... presumably after the most high-stakes drawing of straws in county history.
For more people who are clearly Highlanders, check out 6 Soldiers Who Survived Shit That Would Kill a Terminator and 7 Fatal Injuries (That People Somehow Survived).