Isn't art wonderful? It is an amalgam of both creativity and charity, as artists toil away for years just so their works can be seen and appreciated by any with the will to do so. Truly, art is made to enrich and be enjoyed by all. Well, except for this stuff. You can't see this stuff. Not even if you ask nicely. Does that make you want to see it more? Too bad, jerkwads, you ain't gettin' in.
#5. The Moon Museum
In 1969, NASA had just gotten back from the moon and was already greenlighting a big-budget sequel, Apollo 12: Apollo Harder. Instead of just blasting a bunch of boring dudes up into the void, NASA scientists collaborated with local Earth artists and sent up a whole friggin' museum the second time around.
Via Jade Dellinger
Hey, to eyelash mites, it's enormous.
Famous stamp maker Claes Oldenburg drew what looks like a low-budget Czech ripoff of Mickey Mouse. Sculptor John Chamberlain doodled a weird little right-angled pattern. And wig enthusiast Andy Warhol drew a "rocket ship" with quote marks so big, you could fit a whole dick through them.
Oh no, we're sorry. That's clearly a Saturn V.
But with the launch date approaching, NASA was dragging its feet: Did they really, really want to put dongs on the moon? Sure, it sounds like vital and necessary work, but would it stand firm to the test of time? And how could we guarantee the survival of this newly erected monument to mankind out there in the cold absence of space? And speaking of cold absences, wouldn't shrinkage be an issue? This museum was already more of a "grower" than a "show-er" to start with ...
Well, a NASA engineer known only as John F. wasn't going to have any of this wishy-washy willy-winking -- he snagged the wafer museum and secretly placed it aboard Apollo 12. John even told the astronauts about his mission, and they agreed with and approved the concept -- because hey, who's history going to remember more: the guy who just walked on the moon, or the guy who scrawled the first dick joke on the metaphorical bathroom wall of the moon?
Ew, dude, you know for a fact that Andy Warhol has had that thing in his ass.
The Mickey Mouse, Square, and Dick Museum is still up there today, sitting on the landing leg of Apollo 12, waggling proudly in the faces of all the naysayers.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll reiterate one more time for history: There is a dong on the moon.
#4. Chauvet Cave and Cosquer Cave
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The famous Lascaux Cave in France is home to some of the oldest cave paintings ever discovered, and they are all being destroyed. By stupid humans, of course, with our arrogant need to breathe dumb ol' air. Curators discovered an odd mold growing on the priceless artifacts and figured that it was mostly due to the exhalations from tourists, whose breath helped feed nature's art critic. Drastic measures were taken, and visits were severely restricted to preserve the sanctity of the relics. So, when a new cave was discovered in Chauvet, France, in 1994, French authorities decided to take pre-emptive action.
They painted enormous penises onto the animals to ward off trespassers.
They simply banned people from going right from the start. Only a handful of people have ever visited, which brings to mind that old Buddhist koan: If a priceless work of art is preserved away from human eyes forever, is there any goddamn point to it?
If not for the paintings, how would we ever know about the four-headed horse-osaurus?
However, not all historic caves are art-blocked just by governments. Some are actually physically impossible to get to (plus, yes, also off-limits to the public): Cosquer Cave contains artwork so old that the coastline has dramatically changed since its painting. Since man first smeared colored feces on the walls to impress the she-beasts of Cosquer, the sea has come in and completely blocked off the entrance.
If you want to appreciate the subtle beauty of a bunch of finger-painted bears for yourself, you'll first have to endure a dive to 100 feet below sea level, then swim through a cramped and darkened 574-foot-long tunnel, at which point you'll have to back flip up a system of ledges while shooting the T. rex in the glowi- oh, sorry, we got that last part confused with a Tomb Raider walkthrough.
Which makes you wonder what sort of deranged freak found it in the first place.
#3. The Stephen A. Cohen Collection
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Wall Street hedge fund manager Stephen Cohen has two passions: buying every piece of famous art he can find, and keeping your stupid face away from it. He bought a Jackson Pollock piece for $52 million. He bought British artist Damien Hirst's controversial Pickled Shark for $12 million (shockingly, no, "pickled shark" is not a euphemism for anything -- it's an actual pickled shark). Cohen's even bought several Picassos, and if you're curious which ones, you can go screw yourself, nosy.
Via LA Times
"Though I do invite you to all bend right over and lick my asshole."
Unlike other private collectors, who often let museums exhibit their pieces or even open facilities of their own to display them, Cohen isn't buying priceless works of art to show the likes of you. He's doing it because he thinks they look pretty in his house.
To be fair, it's his stuff to do with as he pleases, and there actually is one easy way to get a glimpse of his collection: have a billion dollars. Cohen displayed part of his collection once at Sotheby's auction house back in 2006, but to even get in that place, you have to show you've got the money to potentially buy. Or you can peruse part of his collection down at Cohen's office -- that is, if you've got business with a billionaire hedge fund manager. Oh, you don't? Well, just go stare at a pile of crap, then, and try not to get your gross poverty all over the floor on the way out.
That's actually a live exhibit he keeps in his family room.