Well, a NASA engineer known only as John F. wasn't going to have any of this wishy-washy willy-winking -- he snagged the wafer museum and secretly placed it aboard Apollo 12. John even told the astronauts about his mission, and they agreed with and approved the concept -- because hey, who's history going to remember more: the guy who just walked on the moon, or the guy who scrawled the first dick joke on the metaphorical bathroom wall of the moon?

Via Greg.org
Ew, dude, you know for a fact that Andy Warhol has had that thing in his ass.

The Mickey Mouse, Square, and Dick Museum is still up there today, sitting on the landing leg of Apollo 12, waggling proudly in the faces of all the naysayers.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'll reiterate one more time for history: There is a dong on the moon.

They simply banned people from going right from the start. Only a handful of people have ever visited, which brings to mind that old Buddhist koan: If a priceless work of art is preserved away from human eyes forever, is there any goddamn point to it?

Via Wikipedia
If not for the paintings, how would we ever know about the four-headed horse-osaurus?

However, not all historic caves are art-blocked just by governments. Some are actually physically impossible to get to (plus, yes, also off-limits to the public): Cosquer Cave contains artwork so old that the coastline has dramatically changed since its painting. Since man first smeared colored feces on the walls to impress the she-beasts of Cosquer, the sea has come in and completely blocked off the entrance.

If you want to appreciate the subtle beauty of a bunch of finger-painted bears for yourself, you'll first have to endure a dive to 100 feet below sea level, then swim through a cramped and darkened 574-foot-long tunnel, at which point you'll have to back flip up a system of ledges while shooting the T. rex in the glowi- oh, sorry, we got that last part confused with a Tomb Raider walkthrough.

Via Culture.gouv.fr
Which makes you wonder what sort of deranged freak found it in the first place.

Wall Street hedge fund manager Stephen Cohen has two passions: buying every piece of famous art he can find, and keeping your stupid face away from it. He bought a Jackson Pollock piece for $52 million. He bought British artist Damien Hirst's controversial Pickled Shark for $12 million (shockingly, no, "pickled shark" is not a euphemism for anything -- it's an actual pickled shark). Cohen's even bought several Picassos, and if you're curious which ones, you can go screw yourself, nosy.

Via LA Times
"Though I do invite you to all bend right over and lick my asshole."

Unlike other private collectors, who often let museums exhibit their pieces or even open facilities of their own to display them, Cohen isn't buying priceless works of art to show the likes of you. He's doing it because he thinks they look pretty in his house.

To be fair, it's his stuff to do with as he pleases, and there actually is one easy way to get a glimpse of his collection: have a billion dollars. Cohen displayed part of his collection once at Sotheby's auction house back in 2006, but to even get in that place, you have to show you've got the money to potentially buy. Or you can peruse part of his collection down at Cohen's office -- that is, if you've got business with a billionaire hedge fund manager. Oh, you don't? Well, just go stare at a pile of crap, then, and try not to get your gross poverty all over the floor on the way out.

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That's actually a live exhibit he keeps in his family room.

You know the Louvre, right? If you're not culturally savvy, you at least know it as the de-facto art-heist set piece from, like, every other Pierce Brosnan movie. It's the single most famous museum in the world. What you probably don't know about are all the quirky, under-the-radar spinoffs of the Louvre, like Storage Louvre, Forgotten Louvre, and even the controversial Sewer Louvre.

Via Vacation-tours.blogspot
Here we see the Mom's Basement Louvre.

It turns out that most of the Louvre's holdings are in storage either under the Louvre or in warehouses in and around Paris. In fact, a huge chunk of the floorspace of the Louvre proper is used to store works, rather than display them. But at least the secret storerooms aren't some hoity-toity, know-the-right-people kind of deal: There's nothing glamorous about, say, those ancient Egyptian sarcophagi that were kept in secret rooms in the sewers underneath the Louvre for over 100 years because of a lack of space. Or the 3,000 16th century Ottoman tiles that Louvre curators just hucked into storage and forgot about back in the 1970s, only "rediscovering" and assembling them recently.

Via Ouicherry.blogspot
"Just stuff it in the junk room. If it ain't the Mona Lisa, it ain't shit."

To be fair, the Louvre has gotten better about its inventory, and it now rates slightly higher than a college freshman dorm in domestic organization. Curators are now, like, pretty sure they have cataloged everything they own. But that doesn't mean the vast bulk of their pieces are now or will ever be on display to the general public. They've simply got too much art; the Louvre is so lousy with history that they've got priceless artifacts literally coming out the wazoo (for the purposes of this article, "wazoo" refers to a small drainage portal in a forgotten sewer room being used to store ancient sarcophagi).