#3. Some of the Wrestlers Aren't Human (Literally)
Yoshihiko is a top Japanese wrestler. He's built a successful career and even has his own comic book. His tale is an inspiring one, because Yoshihiko has a handicap that separates him from most wrestlers. Yoshihiko ... is a blow-up sex doll.
Which doesn't really count against you in Japan.
For the record, the doll is the aggressor in the above picture. The move ends like this:
In his seven-year career, Yoshihiko has needed to be replaced three times, but don't take that to mean that this doll can't kick some ass. Here's a video of Yoshihiko in action. We shit you not, one of his "greatest moves" involves another person just kind of wadding Yoshihiko up and throwing him in the gut of another wrestler:
Other noteworthy characters of Japanese wrestling include several small children, somebody who calls himself Super Shit Machine and a miniature Dachshund named Cocolo. Oh, and a table wrestled a ladder once.
The floor won.
But things really took a turn for the brilliant when a wrestler named Misuteru made his debut appearance. Well, "appearance" is probably the wrong word to use here, because Misuteru is completely invisible.
We'd provide some screenshots for those who can't watch the video, but would they really do you any good? The guy could be in the process of launching a sneak attack in that table vs. ladder match and we wouldn't even know. He's invisible!
#2. Other Wrestlers Are Little Girls
If horror movies have taught us anything, it's that small Japanese girls are terrifying. They drown under tragic circumstances, and then spend their afterlife cursing things and making strangers die horrible deaths, all the while dripping stagnant water all over the carpet.
But if you ask Japan, they'll tell you that little girls also make incredible wrestlers. Take President Ramu, for example. She's a preteen who runs around in makeup that makes her look like the girl from The Ring while wrestling men over twice her size. Her finishing move is apparently to squat at the head of her victim and emit a high-pitched scream:
A move she stole from Muhammad Ali.
In other words, she's every kid ever. Also, she claims her wrestling ability is owed to demonic possession.
Lest you think that little girl wrestling is reserved for just one novelty act, we'd like to direct your attention to ICE Ribbon, a female wrestling organization from the Saltama prefecture in Japan that trains primary-school-aged girls to be professional wrestlers. One of their younger trainees, 9-year-old Haruka Kumagai, became Internet famous when a video of her "defeating" junior heavyweight champion Kenny Omega went viral:
ICE Ribbon is currently promoting another talented 11-year-old named Kurumi ("Walnut") who can already pull some seriously badass moves, like this German suplex:
In case you're unaware, the move performed in the above video is one of the most dangerous in all of wrestling. A bad landing can permanently break a wrestler's neck and spine. So these girls must train for years to ensure that they know exactly what they are doing and don't inadvertently hurt each other, right?
Nope. Kurumi had been training for less than a year before that match. On top of that, the training system is virtually nonexistent, and wrestlers can come and go as they please, without any set training, because -- according to the president of the NEO Women's Wrestling -- females lack the discipline and personality attributes to train using traditional methods.
NEO Official Site
"... so we went ahead and substituted hairstylists for safety trainers."
For our part, we say that probably has something to do with the fact that female wrestlers have to do shit like this ...
#1. The Magical Rape Baby Story Line
The Japanese wrestling promotion HUSTLE was created as an industry experiment to see whether American-style pro wrestling could find a market in Japan. Like the WWE, HUSTLE includes dramatic storytelling; there are faces and heels (good and bad guys), as well as ongoing sagas and feuds that compel their audience to return week after week. And because HUSTLE is Japanese, it was no time at all before a family saga story line featuring an implied rape, bizarre alien biology and secondhand death by obesity was ready to go.
The saga began when Yinling the Erotic Terrorist fought Muta the Great, one of Japan's most influential and beloved pro wrestlers. Muta's signature finishing move was the Green Mist, which he squirted out of his mouth to blind his opponents. When Muta defeated Yinling, though, he held her down and sprayed her square in the vagina:
Apparently his green mist contains sperm, because this caused Yinling to become pregnant. So anyway, Yinling laid an egg in the ring, of course ...
This actually makes complete sense in Japan.
... and that egg hatched into 514-pound wrestler Monster Bono.
So that's what a rave for obese Asian men would look like.
Thus was created a family dynamic that feels ripped straight from the Game of Thrones universe, the three fighting match after match together as a loving family unit. Muta was the gruff but loving father, as evidenced by this adorable picture of him rubbing Bono's head affectionately:
This loving family continued to fight alongside each other until Yinling and Bono had a falling out, which lead to Bono challenging her in the ring. Yinling fought valiantly, but Bono won. Tragically, Bono's finishing blow -- jumping on top and crushing his opponent with his massive bulk -- accidentally killed Yinling. As she died, he held her in his arms and the two were reconciled.
Via tender breastfeeding.
It's a tale of love and the harsh beauty hidden within the daily struggle of life; it's a tragic exploration of the way shortsighted concerns can lead us to harm the people we love the most; it's the Yinling egg-rape family saga, and you can relive it all here:
Get some tissues ready.
For more wrestling insanity, check out The 8 Most Insane Moments in Professional Wrestling and The 9 Most Unintentionally Depressing Pro Wrestling Gimmicks.