We all love our pets, but rich people can express that love in insane ways the rest of us had no idea were even possible. So while we might treat our dog to a helping of table scraps and a belly rub, the wealthy can spend thousands of dollars on baffling luxury products, like ...
Dog clothing is, by itself, already a concept of dubious sanity, especially when it's designed to resemble human clothes (as opposed to actually keeping the dog warm). Well, the website Bitch New York takes the crazy up to a whole new level by offering expensive clothes for dogs for all sorts of occasions they are clearly not prepared for/interested in ... for example, their wedding day.
This pathetic creature was a wolf once.
Not only are dog weddings a thing, but people are actually spending as much as $1,000 on the dress alone (because marrying a dog in the nude would be ridiculous). Since males of all species are usually less particular about this stuff, you can buy a dog frock coat for the groom for the relatively low price of $800.
Hell, we might buy a bunch of these just for taking the dog out walking. The website says the suit imitates the "formalwear from Edwardian times," otherwise known as that dark period in English history when everyone magically turned into a dog.
This is the classiest anyone has ever looked while taking a crap.
And in case you've been trying to imagine how a dog wedding works, here's a video of one, but we're warning you: It might be the most frightening thing you ever see. The dogs are "guided" down the aisle with leashes to prevent them from wandering off, and the owners have to constantly grab them and turn them forward, because obviously they have no fucking idea what's going on (and if they did, the horror might kill them). Afterward, the owners read each dog's lovingly written vows while simultaneously attempting to shut them the hell up.
This does not look like "by your own free will" to us.
But hey, if you're going to live vicariously through a dog, you might as well do it in style, so how about pimping your bride with, oh, say ... a $3.2 million diamond collar for dogs?
Little-known fact: It will still be a dog.
But who's going to plan the reception afterward? You can't handle an event of that size on your own, obviously. So you'll need ...
Party Animals is a company that will plan for you all those dog parties you clearly haven't been throwing because you didn't have time to work out the logistics. The website, which drops painful dog-related puns on every page like the entire business depended on it, states that they will do anything from "spaw days" to "puppy showers" in exchange for some of your money and all of your dignity.
We can only assume that "yappy hour" means they're going to get your dog hammered.
So what does your money get you, aside from egregious animal wordplay? Everything from the invitations ...
"P.S. Bring your own poop bags."
... to the food and decorations. They'll even organize games for the dogs (right, because they'll be the ones who'll get bored at these things) while providing indispensable services like a dog manicure:
Which is about as useful as giving a manicure to a dog.
And, we shit you not, dog escorts.
Someone call the police -- tell them we've found evidence of poochstitution!
Party Animals is based in Austin, Texas, but there might be a dog party planner closer to you: Petaholics in New York, for example, will "help you throw a shindig your dog's friends will be barking about for months to come," and their services include greeting dogs as they arrive at the party. And if the available food options don't impress you, also based in New York is Zen Chien, a company that offers haute cuisine for sophisticated dog palates -- their menus include dishes like Mediterranean lamb and yogurt Parmesan chicken.
Not included: "Their own poop."
The luxury doghouses manufactured by La Petite Maison aren't so much doghouses as actual houses that happen to have dogs in them. The below $10,000 Mexican hacienda, for example, "is large enough to accommodate a human and comes complete with terra-cotta floors." It's the nicest floor he'll ever shit on!
And it's more expensive than most real homes in Mexico.
Who buys this? If you're willing to pay thousands of dollars to make your dog comfortable, you might as well let him into your house. We suspect this is less about dog housing, though, and more about lawn decoration, since your pet probably doesn't give a shit if the place where he sleeps is shaped like a large box or like a stately Alabama mansion. Which you can also get, for only $5,200.
If it wasn't for the house in the background, it'd look like giant dogs ate everyone.
This one, manufactured by Best Friend's Home, is made of varnished wood and features lattice windows and "real bitumen shingles" (there's nothing a dog loves more than bitumen shingles). Still, it's a complete shithole compared to La Petite Maison's $9,000 doghouse brick manor, which includes "running water, lighting, air conditioning and heat," making it more livable than most of our apartments. Presumably it also comes with a little mailbox for the dog to rack up his own bills, because someone has to pay for all that stuff.
Unfortunately, the dog had to mortgage it, because he spent $9,000 on a house for his hamster.
The website states that the houses are custom-made to the customer's exact instructions for size, style and color (which are usually "woof," "woof" and "licks himself"), and that "they even have the ability to replicate a client's own home," meaning that most of them must be full of underpaid Chihuahuas working in the kitchen. You can also pick the wallpaper, flooring and interior artwork, since it'd be a shame for the dog to shun a perfectly good house because the walls came in the wrong shade of turquoise.
If you'd rather buy a pre-made dog mansion, the available models range from the traditional:
"Thanks for the house and all, but get off my lawn."
To the modern:
Somewhere, a Bauhaus designer is weeping.