The 6 Worst Attempts at Damage Control in Political Scandals
So you're a politician, and sooner or later you inevitably get caught engaging in some errant behavior. Whoops! Now you have a political scandal. What now? Most embattled politicians will either fess up and resign or deny and fight the charges. Some politicians, however, choose a different course.
#6. Andrew Jackson
The Scandal:
Hot alleged 19th century adultery.
The "petticoat affair" of 1830-31 was the 19th century equivalent of tweeting a picture of your dick, by which we mean it was as ridiculously hilarious as it was politically disastrous.
Here's what went down: Margaret "Peggy" O'Neale was a socialite in Washington, D.C. At 17, she married 39-year-old naval officer John B. Timberlake. Unfortunately, only a few years into their marriage, Timberlake went away on a ship, never to return, taking "sexy" with him.
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Until decades later, when it was famously retrieved by a distant relative.
Enter Senator John Eaton. He was a friend of both Timberlake and Peggy, and after John was out of the picture, Eaton fell in love with the lady and they were quickly married. The union even had the sanctioning of President Andrew Jackson, Cracked's favorite non-Rooseveltian presidential badass. Sounds good, right?
Unfortunately, some people thought they should have waited a little longer (where "some people" in this case means "absolutely everyone"). The resulting social-scene uproar threw Washington, D.C. into chaos: Everybody who was anybody had an opinion on the marriage. At one point, the cabinet secretaries' wives got together and plotted to ostracize Peggy, in true Mean Girls fashion, and stirred up numerous rumors relative to Peggy's chastity and/or extreme lack of it.
onealwebsite
"Judging by those rosy cheeks, she's either an embalmed corpse or a total slut."
Since John Eaton was just Jackson's friend and not an actual member of the administration, Jackson really didn't need to do much at all. Why touch this tawdry mess unless you're looking for trouble? Jackson getting involved would be like President Obama getting involved in Anthony Weiner's "Weinergate" scandal of 2011.
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"You know what I found inappropriate? He didn't text me anything."
How He Handled the Scandal:
Almost completely out of spite, Jackson inserted himself directly into the middle of the controversy by very publicly siding with Eaton and nominating him to be the secretary of war. Foolproof, right?
Having lived through seeing his own wife slandered in a similarly public manner, the paranoid and defensive Jackson vigorously defended the Eatons against the accusations of the rest of his Cabinet. Eventually, Jackson became convinced that the whole thing had been the work of his political detractors to try to destroy his presidency (he was crazy, you see). The more the press raged against the Eatons, the more paranoid Jackson got. Not wanting to look weak by asking Eaton to resign from the Cabinet, but also not wanting to get eaten alive in the press anymore, Jackson finally asked for the resignation of the entire Cabinet, figuring that he could just start over again fresh after the next election.
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"Maybe I'll fire the whole fucking country. I'll start over with a NEW America. Test me on this."
After the mass resignation, Samuel Ingham, the former secretary of the treasury, was pretty pissed at Eaton and sent him snarky letters. Eaton challenged Ingham to a duel, and when Ingham refused, Jackson offered Eaton the sensible and not at all insane advice, "If he won't fight, you must kill him."
Thus, on the advice of the president of the United States, Eaton got a bunch of his buddies together to hunt down the former treasury secretary, who managed to escape town with his own band of merry men. There was a presidentially sanctioned manhunt because of a scandal that was barely a scandal to begin with. Man, people were bored before television.
#5. John Stonehouse
The Scandal:
Fraud, espionage, corrupt business practices.
John Stonehouse was a Labour minister of the British Parliament in the 1970s that MI5 (the British CIA) suspected of being a spy while falsifying financial records. With an investigation and criminal case in his future, Stonehouse was starting to get nervous.
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And there's a limit to the smoke you can blow up your boss' ass when your boss is Harold Wilson.
How He Handled the Scandal:
Stonehouse was so worried about getting caught that he faked his own death in 1974. (As a general rule of thumb, if your grand scheme was used as the plot of a Simpsons episode, maybe think up a new plan.) To be fair, he did think about killing himself, but that's hard, so he decided to fake it, a "suicide equivalent" in everything except for actually committing suicide.
He flew to Miami, went straight to the beach and announced that he was going for a swim, and he never returned. Conveniently, he left behind a pile of clothes with proper identifying information in the pockets, so it was easy for the police department to declare him missing and presumed dead.
In actuality, he'd fled to Australia, which, if you're looking for a place to hide out, certainly gives off a "This is a quiet bar where no one will ask you a lot of questions" vibe, as far as continents go. Leaving his old life of fraud and espionage behind -- and also his wife, because, what the hell -- he settled in with his mistress Down Under. To compound this dick move, he used the pseudonym of a constituent's dead husband, which didn't really take much getting used to because he'd been using this identity for months. For fun. He found pretending to be a dead person was more relaxing than being himself and easier than just not being an asshole anymore.
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"You're only happy when you can decide what's real. My unicorn agrees with me."
Of course, they eventually found him in Australia, because everything about this screamed "most obvious fake suicide of all time." The Melbourne police shipped him off to the U.K., where he likely had several awkward conversations upon arrival. His explanation for his behavior was "a brainstorm," which of course makes no sense, but this is a guy who faked his own death we're talking about. Perhaps if he'd actually "brainstormed" this plan with other people he would have come up with a better one.
Still, though now a criminal suspect, he could not resign because it is technically illegal to do so in Britain -- your responsibility to your constituents is sacrosanct. However, after being convicted of fraud, forgery and forcing a false police investigation (whoops!), he decided he should probably just resign and go to jail anyway.
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"So I should just get back on the plane to Australia, right? Because we definitely still do that."
#4. Silvio Berlusconi
The Scandal:
Political corruption, shady business practices, sex parties.
Silvio Berlusconi, the recently resigned prime minister of Italy, was well-known for having a penchant for political corruption, shady business practices and "bunga bunga" parties (the explanation is long and boring, but the short version is "bunga bunga" means "sex party"). Also, when people saw him they thought he was always traveling via twin hippity hops; that's how big his balls were.
So this is what it's like being a political satirist. Huh.
When Berlusconi's underage Moroccan belly-dancing mistress had been thrown in jail, he called the jail up and explained that there had been a terrible misunderstanding and that they had arrested the granddaughter of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. Yes, that Hosni Mubarak.
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Hot damn, it's a human rights issue, she doesn't live in the U-- ooh, we've lost our satirist job, haven't we?
The Italian police apparently had no way of verifying this, so, perhaps hoping they'd get invited to a bunga bunga party, they trusted Berlusconi and released her.
Unfortunately, Berlusconi didn't get the dancer freed before she had a chance to admit to the authorities that Berlusconi had a taste for prostitutes and orgies. The prosecutors who had been out to get Berlusconi throughout his entire career made this testimony part of their case, claiming that he had constructed a "vast pimping network," which, yes, also sounds like it could be the tagline to a dating website created by Ludacris.
It makes you wonder why Berlusconi managed Italy's economy so poorly. Eventually, other allegations continued to pile up. If Berlusconi wanted to save his illustrious career, he'd have to come up with an entirely new line of counterattack to dispel this silly distraction.
How He Handled the Scandal:
Berlusconi laughed off the scandal (good idea) by attacking all gay people (terrible idea).
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"Hey, at least I'm honest. I'm clearly the better man here."
In a surprising move, Berlusconi explained that it was really "better to have passion for beautiful women than to be gay." Since really, why not? This is likely before he went back into his mansion to dress as Moammar Gadhafi before doing a line of coke with an Algerian snake charmer.
In Europe, which is normally really laid back about non-PC speech, this didn't go over well. Berlusconi took the response in stride, with maturity and restraint.
peopleunlikeus
The Italian language has dozens of words for "corruption" but none for "restraint."
Despite his airtight defense, Berlusconi was forced to resign, but not before the entire Italian economy collapsed, helping push the European Union closer to the brink of catastrophe. Apparently being asleep at the wheel/constantly involved in orgies with prostitutes tends to do a number on your country.
The world is a rotten place, and it crackes me up.
ReplyThe world needs more presidentially sanctioned manhunts of former cabinet members.
ReplyJohn Stonehouse represented Walsall North, the Parliamentary Constituency (read: British Congressional District) my house is In. I Can easily believe we elected such a "jerkass".
Reply"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky."
Reply"Does anyone care about this anyway? I'm busy being awesome."
John Stonehouse also had the healthiest teeth in England for the time [things aren't much better now]
ReplyAndrew m***********g Jackson... That is all.
ReplyYou'd think storming a magazine's office with military and arresting the journalists was a bad idea, but that country has done such bad s**t in the past that you have to go pretty far to beat it. When you can say "at least I didn't invade anywhere" or "try to kill all the jews", you can make anything seem acceptable.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYou're an idiot.
So when the US nowadays declares war on undeserving countries, killing hundreds of thousands of civilians, lie about their intentions, all with the goal of getting more oil, all they have to do is point out it is not as bad as the whole slavery thing. Or at least they didn't unleash two nuclear bombs on innocent civilians to prove that they were able to drop nuclear bombs?
F uck both of you. Gotcher back, Shuffflemoomin.
Nice Strawman, bigred. Where's that proof of civilian murder? What's your definition of 'undeserving'? How do you know what their goals are, do you have sources?
By the way, they were extremely regretful of the bombs they dropped, having no idea the damage would've been so sever, which is why America and Japan are as close as they are with one another.
But my whole point is, you're a f*****g moron. Nobody takes psychos like you, with your hyperbole and misguided anger and unearned superiority complex and air of smugness, seriously. Go lay in a ditch and drown the next time a heavy rain comes.
y'know, there's a big difference between West Germany in 1962 and Nazi Germany 1933-1945. They were essentially different nations.
The Strauss in the color picture is obviously not Franz Josef Strauss. It may be his son, Max.
ReplySo THAT'S where the phrase "Eaton ain't cheatin'" came from
ReplyI have crossed the Franz Josef Strauß bridge in Passau, Bavaria/Germany just a few days ago. In his defense, he wasn't ALL bad...
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesHitler was an artist and a vegetarian. I guess you could say the same about him.
Oh no, Shufflemoomin, no no. Don't.
Hilter wasn't vegetarian. Sorry.
And he was a pretty crap artist, too.
But he did design some awesome uniforms. Come on, you don't have to be a Nazi to think those uniforms are probably some of the most badass uniforms ever designed.
@bigredjj10
Those SS uniforms man, all black with red trim is just pure sexy
Wait, what? Is that North Dakota eagle holding a severed penis?
ReplyOh wow, I never would have noticed and I am constantly looking in pictures for a severed penis.
Yes. Yes it is.
The Timberlake joke made me choke on my coffee. Very funny article!
ReplySo basically, the lesson we can all learn from #1 is "If you're a money-grubbing dick and wanted to succeed in politic, forego dignity and Rambo the s**t out of the last days of your rule"?
ReplyWow. Great life lesson there.
And if you are kicked out of office, do you a) give up and try a new career path or b) do the exact same thing. If you chose b) you then go on to succeed in politics and you are able to act like a dick the rest of your life.
Maybe if John Stonehouse had said "brain clouds" instead of "brainstorm" they would have believed him...
ReplyApparently they'll just vote anybody into the goddamn Senate. Good to know.
ReplyAs an Asian with a high metabolism, I'm surprised those Koreans didn't starve to death on the first day.
Replyagain with the metabolism? you should read more cracked..
Hey, isn't "John Henry Eaton" the name of the computer who is pretending to be the president on Fallout 3?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThat's John Henry Eden, actually.
Didn't expect to see a Fallout 3 spoiler here! You bastard!
@AverageChap
The game has been out for 4 years....
@ekmad - It's a really long game ok, some of us just don't have the time to finish it :,(
Secession isn't illegal. It actually isn't mentioned anywhere in the Constitution which, according to the tenth amendment, would make it a right retained by the states. Following the Civil War, Jefferson Davis was actually set free and all charges were dropped against him. The Union knew that, had they pressed the issue, the case would have made it to he Supreme Court which would have ultimately decided on the constitutionality of secession. That would have ended with a high court ruling saying that the South had been in the right.
Reply Hide All See All 10 Repliesi'm not familiar with US constitution & history, i just wanna know if craig's statement was inaccurate because of the thumbs down or the circle of jerk is strong in this section?
He's 100% correct. Secession isn't illegal under any article of the constitution and all charges were dropped against all the leaders of the South after the Civil War because they had no legal basis to charge them with anything. In fact, in the simplest terms, the entire creation of the United States was an act of secession.
The Supreme Court established in McCullogh v. Maryland that under the Supremacy Clause (Article VI clause 2) that federal law always supercedes state law when the two come in conflict. The CSA definetly was illegal, the reason they didn't charge them is that they would technically have to charge about a third of the population for treason and obviously that would just start another war. So they offered a general amnesty.
@Thors hammer12345 You're forgetting that Article 1, section 8, lays out some rather specific powers of congress (if you forget the stupid necessary and proper clause, which has always been a crock). Section 10 of the same article lays out some specific powers prohibited to the states. There are specific, enumerated things that a state can not do. Secession is not one of them. Again, the ninth and tenth amendment clearly say that powers not given to the congress or specifically forbidden to the states are maintained and held by the states. The constitution was crafted specifically giving the states some really broad powers so that control could be maintained on a local level. If a state wants to secede, game on.
Regardless of the law, does anyone think a court ruling would have found secession to be legal, in the aftermath of the war?
@Blobbybag, with the people sitting on the Supreme court at the time? Absolutely! Google Justice Roger B. Taney and Robert Cooper Grier.
Article I section 10:No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation; grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal; coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts; pass any Bill of Attainder, ex post facto Law, or Law impairing the Obligation of Contracts, or grant any Title of Nobility.
Seems pretty clear cut that a state couldn't secede.
thors hammer12345, I don't see that anywhere at all. It says a state can't enter into a treaty with another country or make it's own money. That's assuming it wants to remain a state. If it decides it doesn't want to be a state those wouldn't apply. And again, since it isn't explicitly forbidden, the state has that right.
Seriously, people. If a state is going to secede, is it really going to worry about the legality of it??
Texas v. White the Supreme Court held the seccession is illegal. So as far as the Constitution is concerned it is illegal until the Supreme Court overturns that decision.
Look, I have been saying for months now that Cracked writers are dumbshits. And in this case, I mean literally dumber than shit. Think I'm joking? Next time you take a dump, ask the resulting piece of s**t to name two political scandals that resulted in horrific consequences for those who perpetrated them. I guarantee you, they won't name a president who ended up being re-elected (HE WAS RE-ELECTED, YOU d******k WRITER) and a governor who was re-elected and then sent to the Senate (HE WAS RE-ELECTED AND SENT TO THE SENATE, YOU d******k WRITER). God, you really can't get any more stupid than a Cracked writer, even if you resort to talking to shit.
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesI stopped reading after you called people dumb then used literally wrong.
Mmmmm, yesssssss...your impotent internet vitriol is like sweet ambrosia to me. I love seeing idiots rage online, especially at free, educational entertainment when their whole issue seems to be the title of the article being a little misleading.
I can't think of a single reason I wouldn't be swayed by an argument as articulate as "Next time you take a dump, ask the resulting piece of s**t..." The author of this statement is obviously well qualified to judge someone else's intelligence and writing talent.
In order to ask a piece of s**t, we will need your E-mail address.
I didn't even read that. I can tell at a glance when a thumbs down is in order and this is one of those times.
But will Mikeinpp ever come back to read the reaction to his comment? No.They never do.
that was a very well written diatribe. i especially like how you kept your personal opinions to a minimum. A+
38 thumbs down, 0 thumbs up. That's a better track record than spambots! They should take lessons from you.
Holy s**t I don't think I've ever seen a point missed as badly as this on this site.
I don't get it, Christina H didn't write this article
"C-can he do that?"
Reply"What, fire America?"
"Yeah. Cause that sounds... not possible."
"I guess he can. I mean, he IS the president. Also, guns don't work on him."
"Well.... fuck."