So, it turns out that eBay is full of "haunted" (or cursed, or possessed) items people are trying to get rid of. These fall into two categories: items being sold by the mentally ill or extremely superstitious (whom we just feel sorry for), and worthless junk being sold by hucksters hoping someone is stupid enough to buy them if they claim it's magic.
These items are the latter. Here are some of this year's braver efforts to profit from the superstitions of idiots.
#7. "MOST HAUNTED MAGIC BABY GIRL DOLL MURDERED BY HER OWN MOTHER SHE IS VERY ACTIVE"
We have so many questions about this one that we're not sure where to begin. Why did the little girl who owned this doll have it painted with weird fake nail polish blood? Did that happen after it became haunted? When your friends ask you why you bought something that looks like a rejected prop from the movie Se7en, and you tell them it's because it's possessed by ghosts, do you expect them to ever talk to you again?
In any event, you better be careful bidding on this one, because it's ONE OF THE MOST HAUNTED POSSESSED ITEMS THEY HAVE EVER INVESTIGATED. And it comes with free shipping.
It'd be downright irresponsible to sell a demon-possessed toy without a warning.
The auction page, adorned with animated spinning pentagram gifs straight off a 1994 Geocities site, tells the story of Reagan, the really seriously haunted and potentially evil murder doll. If you pick this one up, you can expect your home to be filled with electrical disturbances and the screaming and crying of spirits being tortured in hell. Did we mention the free shipping?
Luckily the doll is "manageable" now after the owners have been "working with her for several weeks," whatever that means. So this is a domesticated screaming hellbeast now?
That's the flaming pentagram of quality.
#6. "Very Old White Witch Handcrafted Powerful Item to Rid Insomnia"
How do you make money from a half-broken old pine cone? Stick a couple of craft-store googly eyes onto it, and suddenly it's a "very old" magical ancient sleep charm crafted by a powerful witch.
It's a good thing it's possessed by the ethereal powers of an otherworldly realm, because otherwise there is no way we would ever bring this ass ugly thing into our home.
What a lovely shade of poop mustard.
The auctioneer explains that this "very fragile delicate cute little feller" was made in 1948 from an unnamed "third generational White Witch." They go on to say that it "looks like it has been made from pine cones," but they don't seem too sure.
One can imagine "ghostlyencounter45" is pretty hard up for cash to give up the ability to sleep for such a low low price. But our hearts really go out to the poor fool who actually bought it for $24.95 plus shipping.
Is anyone else uncomfortably reminded of the California Raisins?
#5. "Haunted Doll 'Arson' Ironacally Died in a Fire"
"Arson" is the name of a doll haunted by the ghost of a girl who "ironacally" died in a fire. The description says this one comes with the added bonus that the doll will warn you about any fire hazards in your home.
Such as her hair.
The seller weaves an overly comprehensive and oddly specific tale about a man who named his daughter "Arson" because he thought fire was beautiful. Then one day, the man's boss asked him to set fire to his business so he could collect the insurance money and for some reason the man complied.
But surprise! It all turned out to be an elaborate scheme for the boss to kill his wife, and so Arson's father went to jail for the rest of his life and she was pretty sad about it. Also, on a completely unrelated note, Arson later ironically died in a completely different fire.
If you make it through five paragraphs of a story that turns out to have nothing whatsoever to do with anything, the seller finally explains that Arson's ghost lives inside this doll now. And because she's belatedly wise to the concept of fire safety, she tends to bug people about in-home fire hazards, as "she will pester you until they are fixed and no longer a hazard."
Because that's what you need in your home, a possessed doll who keeps bitching to you about double-stacked adapters.
"Karaoke night just isn't worth it!"
#4. "HAUNTED CHILDS OLD TOY LAMB SEEKS DEAD GIRL"
"Thegallowsofsalem66" is hocking a haunted plush toy that doesn't even resemble a lamb accidentally. If your child came home carrying this thing, you'd probably assume she found it lodged in a sewer grate or behind a trash can, which are the only places it rightfully belongs. But what sets this apart from all the other useless crap in your attic is that it's possessed by the soul of a girl named Cindy who was killed in a hit and run. How is this a selling point? We don't know, either.
The caps lock makes a compelling case.
According to an unreadable red wall of text, you can hear Cindy's voice emanating from the lamb, which "sounds distorted and like an old record playing that will keep skipping." Also there are orbs or something.
Cindy's mother was understandably distraught by all of this, but as luck would have it, she was also an amateur paranormal sleuth who knew an "investigator" who could test the toy for hauntedness. Sure enough, after the lamb cried all over his floor, he concluded that it carries with it the ghost of the little girl.
So what does her mother do when she finds out that she's harboring the ghost of her dead daughter? She sells it on eBay for 20 bucks. Thanks, Mom.
"We bought Timecop on DVD and some sandwich meat. It's what you would have wanted."