#3. Yes, You Can Be Legally Obligated to Masturbate
Finally, after all this ancillary bullshit, it's time to start raking in the dough. If your two gratis deposits are high quality, you will start getting paid for your man juice. So you can just make enough donations to afford a new Xbox and then take off, playing the sperm bank for suckers, right? Why doesn't everyone do this?
"Have fun doing weird voodoo with my personal genetic material, idiots!"
Of course it's not that easy. You have to understand, they need a lot of your sperm, over a long period of time, and you won't be paid until they get it. In-vitro fertilization has a relatively low success rate, so parents who want your DNA are going to need a whole bunch of the stuff for any chance of success.
You need to baste a whole farm of these, is what we're saying.
So if your first two donations are good enough, they'll bring you on as a paid donor. However, that means you'll be required to sign a contract, usually for six months to a year, stating you'll come in at least once a week to spank the monkey. Just to make sure you follow through, your paychecks are kept in escrow by the sperm bank until the end of the contract.
In the meantime, your sperm are cryogenically preserved to maximize shelf life, but not all sperm handle the freezing process well. So, your first two donations are put on ice, and at the six-month mark, they're unfrozen to check how they're doing. If your tadpoles are still kicking, congrats, here's your check. If your sperm has gone all Mr. Bigglesworth, however, sorry, hit the road.
They won't even deliver a eulogy.
Also, there are certain delayed onset diseases that can take a few months to show up on blood screens (like HIV), so they need to test you every six months to make sure your sperm is cleared to give to parents. By withholding the money, that helps ensure donors to come back for their follow-up tests.
#2. "Not Tonight, Honey, I Have to 'Work' Two Days From Now."
Well, you've come this far, might as well stick it out. So the screening was a pain in the ass and they're holding your money for the next six months, but hey, it's still a piece of cake. You're getting paid for what most people do for free. They're going to be so jealous ...
Assuming you actually tell anyone, we mean.
Wait, we're not done.
Sperm donation, as it turns out, has a pretty significant impact on your personal life, far beyond just having to take some time out each week to make your deposits. As mentioned above, you have to have an above-average sperm count for the whole process to be viable, so as such, you're required to be abstinent two to three days before making a deposit. So if you're trying to maximize your profits by donating twice a week, that leaves one day per week that you can do with your genitals as you please.
Hooray! We're also going to knit finger puppets!
If you're in a relationship, this limits your sex life pretty considerably, so you and your significant other have to plan no-pants time around your donation schedule. But hey, who likes spontaneity anyway? Even if you're only donating once a week, you will still have a set day and time each week to come in and make your deposit (sperm banks operate on 9-to-5 hours). So if a girlfriend's birthday or your anniversary happens to fall less than three days before your scheduled appointment, too bad.
Guess that means you'll have to get her a present instead of sticking your penis in a box like last year.
And don't go thinking you can just cheat the system. Your sperm count is still spot checked on each donation; if it's too low, you don't get paid for that deposit. If several donations in a row are rejected because of fledgling sperm counts, you may be asked to follow a special diet like this, which is designed to boost your numbers.
Happily, it includes both nuts AND bananas.
Of course, the diet and abstinence are all voluntary, and if you don't want to follow them, so long and thanks for all the spooge. Don't let the door hit you in the ass. If you decide to quit mid-contract, you just don't get the money from the pay cycle. Off you go, have a nice life, there's plenty of people to replace you.
#1. You May Now Have Dozens (or Hundreds) of Children -- and They May Find You
One thing you notice right away is there is a huge difference in what you get paid depending on whether you choose to be a closed or an open donor. That is, whether the recipient can find out who you are (open) or you remain anonymous (closed).
At my particular bank, it was $20 a pop for a closed donor and $125 for an open donor. You're allowed to donate a maximum of twice a week, so going the open route will pay upwards of $12,000 a year, certainly not a bad chunk of change. However, this comes at the expense of releasing all your personal information to parents should they (or their child) ever want to contact you.
You donated your sperm to a grateful woman -- that's more than our fathers did for us.
If you thought you'd be clever and go the closed route, that doesn't mean that an intrepid parent or child couldn't track you down through DNA testing, which is becoming increasingly common (the bank will often neglect to mention this). While no person who has donated sperm through a bank has ever been found liable for child support (at least not yet), you and your family are still going to have to deal with the fact that there's a child, biologically YOUR child, who wants a relationship with you.
Also he's a master detective who you should be proud of, you asshole.
It also turns out that you could be the father of hundreds of children. Banks will tell you that there's a limit to the number of kids that can be born from your donations (12 in my case), and while most reputable banks will stick to this, there are plenty of unscrupulous ones that will happily dole out your sperm to anyone who asks. And that's where the implications can get truly horrifying. Suppose the bank uses your sperm to impregnate 30 different women. Many of those women will likely live in the same general area, and give birth within a few years of each other. They may not be overly eager to tell your offspring that terrible pornography was part of their conception process. Congratulations! You've uncorked up to 15 potential cases of "accidental incest" into the world.
The problem is that many banks rely on college students who are desperate for a quick buck, and they have in no way thought through what fathering a stranger's child actually means. They're just thinking in terms of the paycheck, not a lifelong decision.
"I just name 'em after the things I bought with my pay. The one at the back is Fleshlight."
After all, even if the 21-year-old version of you is OK with it, that doesn't mean that future spouses will be. You'll soon come to the realization that in the interest of full disclosure to a potential girlfriend, you'll need to tell her that you used to be a sperm donor. Sure, you can just lie and omit that part of your life, but see what happens when a kid shows up on your doorstep wanting to meet his real dad.
I've had more than one girl refuse to date me because I've donated sperm, and I can totally understand where they were coming from. Who wants to deal with that kind of drama? It's the kind of thing that guys will casually joke about with other guys, but it's actually an ethically contentious can of worms. That's not to say nobody should do it. You're giving people an amazing gift. But at the very least, you should know going in that it's a hell of a lot more complicated than just jizzing into a cup.