4The Staff Is Female, There Is Porn and You Will Be Interviewed
For those who make it through the fine mesh of medical and physical standards, it's now time to actually go to the bank. After going through a standard physical and having some blood samples taken, you'll usually meet the administrator of the bank for an interview, since this is in fact a job. You'll be asked some normal job interview questions (tell me about yourself, why do you want to do this, where do you see yourself in five years), and you're expected to answer them with something other than "I want to jerk off for money."
"Wanking into letterboxes isn't providing enough challenge. I really want a chance to prove myself."
If they like you and you pass the interview, it's now time for the main event. You have to give two preliminary donations to evaluate the quality of your baby gravy, and these donations (or "deposits" in sperm-banking parlance) are on the house; that is, they're not going to give you a red cent until they're sure your swimmers are the Michael Phelpses of the testicular tadpole world.
It's pretty terrible when your sperm does better at the interview stage than you.
You'll be led to the masturbatory chamber by one of the staff and given instructions for how to go about your business, just in case you weren't sure what to do. They then leave you to do your thing, but not before reminding you to wipe everything down once you're done.
The rooms are similar to a normal doctor's room, except the exam table has been replaced with a TV, DVD player and chair. Forcing yourself to overcome the warm toilet seat creepiness that this is the room where thousands of people have masturbated, you choose your porn, sit in your wanking throne and get to work. The porn is nothing special; as a guy who can make do with even the most vanilla adult entertainment, even I found the selection to be pretty lackluster. And no, no one on the staff will ever "assist" you.
The fluffers are currently working trauma, idiot.
Once you're done, you seal your cup and put it into a little brown bag. Multiple signs posted around the room will remind you to wash your hands and to clean everything with some Clorox wipes (curiously, there were no rubber gloves for those wishing to clean things beforehand, too). You drop your sample off for evaluation, trying not to make eye contact with the female technician. Did I mention that nearly all the staff will invariably be female?
"Please tell your pen to stop judging me."
The three main things they're looking for in your little guys are count (how many you have), motility (are they swimming in circles?) and morphology (make sure they're not growing extra heads). The sperm count is where most people have trouble, since you're already required to have an above-average sperm count, and masturbation only produces about half as many sperm as having sex. Fifty to 90 percent of donors who make it this far are eliminated.
It's like auditioning for American Idol, but less degrading.
3Yes, You Can Be Legally Obligated to Masturbate
Finally, after all this ancillary bullshit, it's time to start raking in the dough. If your two gratis deposits are high quality, you will start getting paid for your man juice. So you can just make enough donations to afford a new Xbox and then take off, playing the sperm bank for suckers, right? Why doesn't everyone do this?
"Have fun doing weird voodoo with my personal genetic material, idiots!"
Of course it's not that easy. You have to understand, they need a lot of your sperm, over a long period of time, and you won't be paid until they get it. In-vitro fertilization has a relatively low success rate, so parents who want your DNA are going to need a whole bunch of the stuff for any chance of success.
You need to baste a whole farm of these, is what we're saying.
So if your first two donations are good enough, they'll bring you on as a paid donor. However, that means you'll be required to sign a contract, usually for six months to a year, stating you'll come in at least once a week to spank the monkey. Just to make sure you follow through, your paychecks are kept in escrow by the sperm bank until the end of the contract.
In the meantime, your sperm are cryogenically preserved to maximize shelf life, but not all sperm handle the freezing process well. So, your first two donations are put on ice, and at the six-month mark, they're unfrozen to check how they're doing. If your tadpoles are still kicking, congrats, here's your check. If your sperm has gone all Mr. Bigglesworth, however, sorry, hit the road.
They won't even deliver a eulogy.
Also, there are certain delayed onset diseases that can take a few months to show up on blood screens (like HIV), so they need to test you every six months to make sure your sperm is cleared to give to parents. By withholding the money, that helps ensure donors to come back for their follow-up tests.