#3. The Gobbler Guillotine Wild Turkey Broadhead
We don't mean to come off as anti-hunting here. Our food has to come from somewhere; we know that. And if you approach it with the right attitude, hunting is certainly more respectable than buying your meat at the store. It's just that so much of this advanced hunting gear isn't "treating the exchange of life with humane reverence" as much as it is "dramatically over-murdering furry things because they frown when I talk about doing it to people." But now, finally, there's a product that bridges the two worlds of humane hunting and rampant sociopathy! The Gobbler Guillotine is exactly what the name suggests: a specially designed arrowhead, engineered to instantly behead turkeys.
Essentially, it's an arrowhead with four branching blades, forming a whirling dervish of death that, once fired, comically pops off the turkey's head. Then rednecks high-five about it in their tiny homoerotic man-shelters.
But no matter what the horrible attitudes of those hunters imply, it really is a humane method: Instant decapitation is much faster and more painless than any gun-shot ... if you're an expert archer. And with your laser-sighted compound bow, camouflaged blind and night-vision goggles, you'd fucking well better be.
#2. The Internet
There's only one thing wrong with hunting: the outdoors. The killing's great, the free meat is great, the sense of undeserved confidence that comes with wielding a gun is fucking fantastic -- but all that fresh air and nature is a load of crap, isn't it? Well, don't worry. Just like every other terrible, morally bankrupt and probably illegal desire you have, the /internet has got your back on this one:
No, we should probably add another gun. These are rabbits we're talking about here; they're wily.
That thing is pretty much exactly what it looks like: A jury-rigged remote controlled gun platform hooked up to the Internet. This particular example had only three shotguns, but there were other platforms found in the area with upwards of six shotguns. You know, just in case you want to give that beaver the full "revolutionary firing squad" experience. Forty states have outright banned Internet hunting, but that doesn't stop people like Jay Williams, who created the above rig. He claims he set them up as hog control, but unless they're the hogs from Animal Farm, nobody's buying it.
#1. The Punt Gun
Are you ready? Are your sweaty fingers poised above the keyboard, your keen -- albeit somewhat myopic and beady -- eyes ready to spot the pixels? Here we go:
Nope, that's real, and it's not a mock-up or a model. Those are called punt guns, and they range from 6 1/2 up to roughly 10 feet in length. They're basically just giant shotguns that fire a pound of shot with every trigger pull. Here's a video of one in action, as narrated by Tony the Tiger:
Two things just happened in that video: One, somebody got a great sound clip for his animated 80s mascot snuff film, and two, that fucking gun just destroyed 50 targets and the entire table they were mounted on. So what was it used for, repelling bear armies? Assassinating continents? Mugging the moon?
Nope: duck hunting.
Well, duck genocide, to be accurate: It's said that skilled punt gunners could kill more than 50 birds with one shot. Sadly, the practice was outlawed in 1860. That's right -- the Death Star of the hunting world was invented all the way back in the 19th century. They're too big to hold, unless you're a skinny androgynous Japanese RPG character, so they had to be mounted on little boats called "punts" -- hence the name. Here's a video of what punt gun hunting looked like:
If you told somebody you were "going duck hunting" back in the early 1800s, you would follow that statement by strolling out to the dock, lying down on a scale replica of a battleship and waging naval warfare on flocks of unsuspecting waterfowl. Think that's an unfair analogy? Consider this: For greater efficiency, hunters would often work in fleets of 10 punts or more.
Fleets of these:
To get these:
Shit, we take it all back. We've been mocking the Shadow Shields and the explosive rounds as ridiculous, overpowered contrivances of the modern age; turns out that if anything, we've been toning the massacre way, way down over time.
Did you know you could kill a bear with our book? You should buy it before a grizzly mugs you on the subway. (Warning: Book does not actually have bear-killing powers.)
For more insane firepower, check out 7 WTF Military Weapons You Won't Believe They Actually Built and 6 New Weapons That You Literally Cannot Hide From.
And stop by Linkstorm to how many punt guns Cracked purchased for the zombie apocalypse.
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